Clearing blockages/recovering memories
I am on MAP day 30.
From my dream diary:
Quote:
At another point, I had a dream I was at a store with a very high ceiling, like home depot, with my mother. She had fiddled with a nail in a beam structure which caused a red cagey ceiling thing to fall on a group of people. She talked to people in the store, and it seemed like she was about to sign some legal document. I told her not to sign anything, and that it was not her fault. Then she went and touched something else and another thing, or maybe the same thing, fell down on some people. She ran out of the store and jumped onto the ground, trying to hide under her car. I told her not to do that, she had no reason to run, because it was not her fault. For some reason, I don't know why it would come into my head since it does not fit the situation, I started saying over and over again, "I forgive you." As I did I felt energy course through my body, and then the dream ended.
To explain: Most of my life I've felt this animosity toward my mother. Growing up, she was always angry, I always felt like she was taking things out on me unfairly. I have never felt very attached or connected to her. I mean, she raised me and I can't even speak the same language as her. More recently, I just don't think of her much, she seems as relevant as a stranger to me. At least months ago I realized it is not wise to hold a grudge, and decided to take on a forgiving attitude. Anyway, another night, I had a dream that I walked into a bedroom where someone was hidden under the covers. I asked them, "What can I do to heal?" And the person said, "forgive your mother", in my voice. After waking up, I just thought, what am I supposed to do to forgive? I don't sit around thinking about how my mother has wronged me anymore. In my mind, I realize, she's just another imperfect person, if I was in the same situation as her I might have been the same way, I can say that I forgive her. But how do I really forgive her, deep down? I decided to just let the idea germinate inside of me, that it would probably just happen one day if I stay open to it. That was weeks, maybe months ago, now it looks like I've made another step.
Another experience: Last week, one night my long-term partner came home from work very late. It upset me, and soon I remembered one night when I was a little kid: One night I sat stood on my porch waiting for my dad to come home from work. When a car would appear I would hope it was his, but then over and over again, it was not. It's odd because if you asked me before that, I would say I never had a problem with the fact my dad was not around much. In my mind it just seemed like one of those things that always was, that I never knew anything different to expect more from him to begin with. After that recent incident I realize now that there probably was a point where my expectations of him were crushed, a point where an emotional blockage/neg attachment point was created.
Physical: One time while working on my main energy centers, I got this uncomfortable pain in my neck that even went to my collarbone. Also, when I started working on my root chakra I got these shooting pains in my lower back. Yesterday while walking around at work I got this bad pain in my perineum area. I have gotten that last one before, but not anytime recently. I assume those have to do with clearing energy blockages but I suppose I don't know for sure.
