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Re: GRATITUDE LIST
Things just suddenly got so crazy. I don't know what happened.
-ordering and having a 2nd humidifier arrive since this dry skin issue is really a big issue and problematic
-fixing my internet connection the other day
-nami ubering me out there and hoke when I wasn't doing well and was planning on ending my life. They helped calibrate me for almost 24 hours at least.
-my new bed I ordered arriving. It's bigger than I expected and takes up a lot of room. It's very comfortable and makes the vibe cozy but that it takes up so much room is another reminder I need out of here soon. How do the other tenants manage here in the studios?
-my spiritual crises lighting a fire under me
-my vitamin c moisturizer
-clean laundry and getting laundry done last night
-J coming back to me again. I still love him even though as recently as last night I was reflecting on how I feel like our connection is becoming more platonic and it's making me sad. Then this morning I suddenly felt a shift to loving feelings towards him and wanted to say loving things but didn't. He reached out 3 days ago with an excuse and we've been on and off talking since and he's been flirting and there's been some snapping then apologizing on my end. All this time, I feel like we've developed a connection as real people. Not just strangers. I feel like we feel more familiar to each other now and there's a little thicker of a bond, a little care there that grew from everything on his end. I've seen him change from day 1 to now. From an idiot, to a guy, to someone who ghosted me to a guy who really wanted me sexually to someone who had grew to have some care for me. From wanting to exchange numbers as neighbors to wanting romance to ghosting to reconciling to going crazy for me but wanting a mostly sexual connection to reconnecting and having some care as a human. I just don't think he sees me as only. I wish things had flowed more but I'm glad I still have him.
-my wide leg pants coming. They make me feel very stylish
-my sense of style
-music
-humor and laughing at things
-desire
-inspiration
-random kindness from others
-trying to be ok with V not talking to me since I was trying to cut her out first and it's actually mutual whyever she's stopped texting me
-movies
-having a connection with J and when he texts me
-finally getting my prescription for vyvanse. Just waiting on insurance details to have it finally in my hands
-my creativity
-trying to stay calm, positive, and determined
-my accomplishments
-cleaning wipes
-baby wipes
-knowing I create my reality and can win and switch things
-finding things to be grateful for
-hope
-my pink sculptural table
-deciding to get off topamax and having a plan to and seeing how negative it's been
-drinking water
-pierogi for lunch
-how cute my cats are
-my femininity
-being considered very attractive and high end
-my child like side
-being smart
-being kind
-the smell of rain
-colors
-peaceful storms
-m responding to me
-my hud charge almost being sent to investigation
-smell of cedarwood essential oil
-how attractive J is
-my food card being reloaded
-my resourcefulness
-reflection
-prayer
-asking for forgiveness
-trying to be open to newness
-my older friend J talking to me more
-almond milks and trail milks seeming to make my eyes work better
-trying to believe in a better reality
-doing written affirmations the other day
-showering
-four leaf clovers
-self compassion
-compassion for others
-nice pictures of myself
-being introduced to my older friend J in 2022 and having him
-being introduced to J last year and having him
-the photographer still wanting to shoot
-new ideas
-learning new things
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Re: GRATITUDE LIST
-getting the bulk of my money to cure. phew.
-vitamin waters and powerades
-despite being broke to do Botox and buy more makeup and being stressed, feeling more like i'm more attractive lately
-four leaf clovers
-wearing my four leaf clover bracelets lately and reattaching my four leaf clover keychain to my keys
-J seeming to care when I was having a breakdown and drunk and sent mean texts. He texted back sooner than usual while he was at work which he doesn't do and wanted to see me. He didn't judge me for being mean
-the on and off of J and I trying to see each other even though it still didn't happen unfortunately
-J being cute in how he reveals himself sometimes in his rudeness, it kinda shows he's trying to hide his real feelings in a very juvenile way
-the kind people who donated to my gofundme
-when p cat lays under the blanket with me
-accepting a date at the last minute with a guy who was offering me all the things of not having to pay rent, giving me shopping money, etc etc if I lived with him or was his gf. I decided why not go to lunch and when I said I needed to get cat food first he offered to take me to the store so went to the store and he let me get whatever I wanted his treat so I got two boxes of the smaller cat food they like, a bag of kibble, cat treats, Clorox wipes and Pedialyte because he thought it'd help my dehydration. We then went to dinner which was ok. I enjoyed the wine and bruschetta. Wasn't crazy about my lasagna. Then went to a dispensary and the lake and let him kiss me a little. The lake was nice. He wasn't too bad. He kept saying how lucky he was I went out with him and that I was there and called me baby girl and baby a lot. Said i'd never have to worry about cat food. It was nice getting out and feeling treated special.
-deciding once I got home from my date to still keep my plans to meet with the photographer since I already was ready and didn't want to make him wait again since I kept canceling days so he agreed to still meet and ubered me there to the Irish pub I had ordered food from before. It wasn't too bad. He didn't think I looked bad. I ordered a fun green cocktail with baileys. Then had a few more and he ubered me home. It was nice to socialize after having been going through so much stress and barely being social these days. It was nice feeling normal amongst the chaos. It felt like I was getting my life back. Thinner me, going on a date, being provided for, meeting a work contact, having drinks, going to the lake and having weed. It was a full day for me.
-again getting signs about J that he's mine in a big way. The song I strongly associate with him came on during dinner on my date. Then, sure enough after our date, this guy wanted to see me. All went well. He randomly got upset by something small that wasn't my fault and in mid Convo just started ignoring me.This doesn't happen. Another guy out of the picture since meeting J. I'm surprised I even was able to go on the date but ever since I met him guys end up out of the picture very quickly either by doing something random and weird that repulses me or they just randomly lose interest. I've even had guys who were friends leave my life permanently. It's almost spooky.
-The hud intake interview lady requesting a tro for me and filling out the questions for that and sending in my edits for the interview I did with her
-my feminine energy
-being considered beautiful and a prize, a bit of a showpiece
-new inspiration
-yoga
-walking
-my new wide leg pants
-my converse sneakers
-J is upset with me right now, I can feel it. I practically bribed him with the thing he's been wanting and threw myself at him and he suddenly didn't want it. In the moment he did, but then shortly after I haven't heard from him. He wouldn't just reject that. And he hasn't responded to any of my texts. I told him about my date the night before. I'm thinking now he's upset with me about that. Before I thought he was involved in something else that scared me, but now I think I was just paranoid. But,I think this shows it's not just using me for sex.It's really weird.
-having a random song come to me that I played and the lyrics and vibe were exactly the emotion and words and vibe I felt like he could be feeling or was feeling or a song he was listening to about me. It was strange. My psychic connection feels a little more on lately.
-remembering my dream I had just now of J where he changed his social media to the name of my ex who hung himself and had a wilted rose emoji in the bio.
-m's husband coming by to unclog my shower drain
-dreaming someone unclogged my shower drain the morning of
-sunshine
-sunsets
-ordering groceries off Amazon the other night
-finally ordering my astaxanthin vitamins recently
-ganesha mantras
-finding a Ganesha sound I can play while laying down or doing other things
-sleep and sleeping so deep lately
-sweaters
-mopping and cleaning the back of the kitchen floor the other day
-doing my written affirmations
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Re: GRATITUDE LIST
Things have been very spooky and uncomfortable. A lot has changed and I just am waiting for things to feel normal asap.
-court case dismissed today. I won.court record will be sealed. And resolved and now closed.
-that im a winner and tend to win things.
-getting a pedicure today to treat myself for my win and do something for my beauty since I've been feeling very unattractive the last few weeks
-darkening my hair color a little more the other day
-staying strong in m not hearing from her in over a week now and her phone seeming to be on do not disturb. Her husband not answering my texts or calls either. It's very hard on me what is going on.he had just came to fix the shower and said he'd come back in a day to drop off something for it. It's weird. J disappeared in the middle of nowhere too. I was patient until I realized no this isn't cool. He knows better by now how much it hurt me when he ghosted me before. I thought we grew better than that. It was in the middle of me throwing myself at him after i had a dream that he might be hurt or in pain. It was weird. And after I told him about my date and accused him of his friends following me. One suspicious timing and one that seems like he was hurt by me. I felt energy come from me a few days later, waves of sadness like I wanted to cry. After that I wasn't feeling his energy really. It freaked me out. It felt like he wasn't here. I think I started to feel him again a little since a few days ago.i also asked for a sign from him and nothing. Things kept happening as if saying I'm not meant to be with him now. I was suddenly having obstacle after obstacle with my court case and staying here. But I recently started getting signs. Hearing thunder right after I think of him and some stuff in YouTube videos that pop out buti can't remember if they count as a sign. I think I do but I don't remember what they were.
-getting signs from J and having a strong telepathic connection to him. That has to mean something.
-figuring out who I think was trolling me by finding a profile of mine and saying strange thing s like they are angry and want me punished.
-loving my cats and how sweet and beautiful they are
-colors
-my lavender Marc jacobs bag
-finding out that j didn't lie about his name the whole time. I looked at a pic I screenshotnof him and overlooked before hid birthday cake in a pic says that name on it
-the cat tunnel my cats play in
-drinking water
-using Aloe Vera as a beauty product and it going well so far
-sleep
-the weight off my shoulders from court bring dismissed
-my strength. I did what I had to do and it was soul crushing but I had no choice.
-the helpful people at the pawn shops and pawn shops in general since they gave someone like me a way to get a loan.
-doing my ganesha mantras
-my dad helping me out with a little money to get me through
-an angel friend venmo-ing me money when I needed it a week ago
-some good news at least to make me feel better
-finally getting an adderall prescription
-blankets
-moisturizers
-being able to order toner
-powerades
-candy
-trying to stay strong
-getting an insane glimpse into a possible future for me. I was watching psychic videos and one called out to me. It described a situation of mine with an ex I thought I hated and would never let back in my life. It was too eerie, the details. It showed ex j from a few years ago wanting to come into my life and that he's getting a divorce and there was more details. The things said were so specific, it was no coincidence. I then couldn't help but get curious and they do seem like they are going thru something of a divorce. Every video she had with him and pic completely gone. A tweet that exposed some info. It was insane. So, he might be coming back to me if this info is real and I can't help but think it is. Too many things. Another one said very specific similar things down to a not common phrase I used during the situation it was like it called out to me to verify yes, this is for you. Maybe he is just what I need and the one who would fix a lot of issues in my life.
And that he would forgive me for my side of things. I didn't think ever but it said he was seeing things differently now and seeing my side of things.
-prayer
-determination
-nami crisis line for helping me when I need it
-baby wipes
-my new four leaf clover notebook
-astaxanthin supplement I ordered recently
-the stalker text thing finally giving me some info
-my skin dryness healing
-my eye sight feeling better after quitting topamax
-feeling less depressed and less bogged down since quitting topamax
-makeup
-my femininity
-my sense of style
-buying my cats treats yesterday as a treat for resolving my court stress
-my pink sculptural table
-being creative and resourceful
-music
-looking at my ex's pic on my phone and it soothing me, making me feel stronger
-things slowly starting to feel a little more normal and like they'll resolve and get grounded
-laughing
-finding J's possessiveness kind of cute
-socks
-ordering new headphones because the ones I've been using are just too broken
-being able to reflect to try and understand my reality
-hope
-kind and friendly people
-getting congratulations on my court win
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Re: GRATITUDE LIST
-deciding to believe the bad happening right now is leading me to what I want
-coffee cakes
-finally donating plasma again, a small first step of doing little things in between getting jobs again and making sure i'm getting money. It felt good to suddenly feel that increase in ease
-my weight check since December and officially having lost 31 lbs now, half the weight I want to lose. Very proud of myself
-feeling like i'm clearing dark energy that's been sent to me over the last few years by people
-drinking water
-staying calm-ish during these very turbulent times
-aloe vera
-my skin becoming more hydrated
-astaxanthin supplement
-someone in their car calling me beautiful and God bless
-having a compassionate soul
-my love for my cats
-trying to process my fears and blockages to seeing my ferals so I can stop feeling so nervous to do it
-my four leaf clover
-my Uber driver being kind when I talked to him about stuff that was going on with the bullying texts I'm getting
-hope and perspective that it might not be J actually who did the stalking/harassement texts
-deciding I need to stop paying so much attention to psychic readings online
-sleep
-fashion
-my sense of style
-touching up my hair color and making it a little darker
-having nice eyes
-feeling like I'm being seen as more attractive again when i'm out and about which feels good
-hope
-doing some Hindu mantras
-how cute my cats are
-beauty
-ordering a toner I think will be good for my skin
-powerades
-applying to some jobs tonight
-yoga stretches
-feeling like I'm working on a plan
-doing some written affirmations and trying some new ones
-clean clothing
-botox
-my neighbor with the dog being friendly and chatting with me about my cats the other day
-being creative and resourceful
-how much better I feel off topamax. more mind clarity, better eye sight, less bogged down and depressive
-trying to stay determined and boost my productivity
-applying for utility assistance
-my femininity
-positive affirmations
-deciding I want to go on a spiritual healing journey
-beta blockers
-getting a refund on the nail polish that wasn't really nail polish
-quiet and appreciating it and the benefits of it
-fun things
-feeling like I'm getting more clarity in some ways on some things
-staying determined
-beauty
-working on my confidence
-baby wipes
-clorox wipes
-hand soap
-physical exercise
-cleaning
-my accomplishments
-things i've done before showing I can do it again since I've done it before and can look in it for inspiration and how to
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Re: GRATITUDE LIST
In times of extreme hardship, look for the good. Anything even the smallest of things.
-I got a free trial size vitamin c moisturizer with the toner I bought so I'm ok on vitamin c skincare for a little while
-how beautiful the sky looks right now
-crying and letting it all out, how I've felt about a certain painful situation going on for 2 years now and putting into words
-meditation
-walking
-having money for cat food
-getting my cats treats last night
-appreciation and remembering. Savoring some appreciation early morning for the night J and I had our first kiss
-learning about the moon, what phase it was in, some romantic details about the night we first kissed that adds specialness to the memory
-photography
-how beautiful the moon can be
-getting some slight ideas on things to do about my problems
-applying to a few jobs last night
-deciding to stop watching so many psychic readings
-sweets
-clean socks
-trying to be strong
-the writer side of me
-japa mantras
-having desires. That leads to clarity to where I want to go.
-blankets
-sleep
-realizing I can organize things a little bit so it won't seem as overwhelming or time pressured
-the light within me
-trying to tap into my ambitious goal oriented version of me again
-my clover pillow
-reflection
-letting myself cry
-the tunnel toy I have for my cats that they love
-believing in myself
-trying to break up what I need to do, the things that scare me into baby steps
-the weight loss I've accomplished. Half the weight gone
-great affirmations that give me hope and determination
-my love for my cats
-my skin dryness healing
-ideas
-baby wipes
-clorox wipes
-music
-beautiful things
-inspiration
-lights off and how peaceful it is
-my spiritual knowledge
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Re: GRATITUDE LIST
I wish the time would slow down. how has this much time passed? A month now since J and I were on good terms with each other, I heard from M and life felt somewhat sane
-drinking water
-listening to chakra music and chakra balancing
-my angel friend sending me money so I can do laundry
-going to the laundromat and checking off very slowly the things i have to do post before court chaos
-taking 2 Adderall instead of one and feeling much more upbeat and productive. I think that's the magic number for me I guess. 20 mg.
-walking more
-organizing a plan for my ferals cats post whatever is going on with M and M that should have been in place several years ago anyways for the cats
-walking past the airport and closer to their house where the cats are to build up my confidence to go and build up endurance for daily life changes
-doing my food card redetermination
-checking my utility assistance update and uploading what they said to
-sweet, beautiful, pleasant memories. So many wonderful things i've done, moments i've had
-my love for my cats
-getting my lower body more toned and noticing results
-aloe vera gel working well for my skin and making it have more of a glow
-being able to plug in a humidifier in the bathroom, which is like the cart's bedroom since they go there a lot so that room get some more humidity. I feel the room is less dry since doing it.
-I had this strange, but beautiful experience.I was suddenly thinking of the night with me and J that hurt me a lot, and had another idea come in my mind that made the incident way less bad and n what I thought. Things connected from him before to that night and it just seemed to click and I felt J around the same time that night on and off maybe the night before too these loving feelings towards him. Well, during this thought process of J my mood suddenly lifted which makes sense, but my mind felt shifted, almost like it was under control. Like, as I was pondering if what if that wasn't the case if what happened that night, I just felt so great and neutral about that night suddenly. Like I was healed. So, I literally had a shift in my thinking come to me to change how I felt about that night, a mood change that stuck even as a little time passed and I wondered if that wasn't the case, and had been having loving feels towards J. The way my mind felt with that shift started to feel familiar, someone I was close to used to put energy on me. This felt like that. At first I just felt like I felt his energy and he wanted me to feel better about that night and forgive him like he was doing some intention manifesting on me.i just knew he was suddenly. I actually thought this was really sweet. He's manifesting me. It's one of the reasons I love him, he's literally manifesting me.
I never had someone do that before. I'm also surprised as heck he knows anything about mentalism or intention manifesting. But I was getting hints and didn't know it. I'd feel an overwhelming sexual energy come over me often. I thought I was just tapped into how he feels about me. Things constantly would go wrong with another guy so quickly after I met him even before I liked him and I suddenly couldn't get out of this apartment. Everything got elongated and went wrong as if to keep me here. I thought this was the universe's doing. It made so much sense. I couldn't tell if he wanted me to still be here or would prefer me to move but something nudged me he didn't want me to go. I remember him asking when does the grant happen when I was waiting on the grant when I thought my plans were going to be one thing and he doesn't usually ask me many questions, especially in text.I felt like he was maybe nervous but wasn't sure. Occasionally, I'd have thoughts he was a devil worshipper or something of the sort, like that he was into something of the dark arts. But that felt crazy so I dismissed it.The connection I had with him was so intense in ways. I'd hear thunder after thinking about him, once had my nose bleed during thinking about him(that made me wonder if it was a bad sign), I'd feel him on me in so many ways down to how he lurked my social media and timing of texting me.His cat's name is Juju. He has a hades tattoo on his arm. He has a friend who considers herself a witch and he followed a lot of girls who seemed like they were into witchcraft type stuff, alternative goth type girls. Why wouldn't he at least be open to doing intention work? I assumed he was probably accepting of those things because of that but never thought he might do it himself. He was definitely manifesting me the other night I had been posting about that night a lot how upset I was before he stopped speaking to me, and again the night before I let him manifesting me and that perception shift. I had thoughts when I started liking more law of attraction type stuff that he might see it and try intention manifesting. Normally, I'd think if a guy seen that he might think it's kind of weird i'm into that stuff or it's silly or they'd be one of those super powerful, ambitious types that I already could tell believes in thoughts creating reality but he is not like that and my initial thoughts were him getting inspired by it. and now I felt him manifesting me. It's made me think a lot differently of our connection. I don't know fully what to think. I'm flattered and it makes my feelings for him stronger. It was a love energy I felt that other night. Like he wanted me to think differently of that night and feel better.I can't imagine how he did what he did or what he did exactly in his thoughts since I never even thought he'd be into that stuff or believe in it, but he did something even if it was just asking his friend to cast some spell on me. The exact shift, how it made me perceive the night differently makes me wonder what wording or thoughts he had. I've felt loving, protected feelings from him. I used to feel safer walking after i met him and after we reconnected and pondered why before but let it go thinking it was his association in the neighborhood and then just my imagination but all this leads me to believe is he definitely was manifesting me the other night and maybe was manifesting me before. Maybe he does certain rituals to make me protected as well. He always did have a strange, eclectic energy. He always in some ways seemed like he knew more than he let on about me. And, it started more and more to become clear he really analyzes and plots towards me. He tests me.We could be really in sync with each other. It makes me think of the connection in a deeper way.It also explains why he got so upset about me going on a date despite him having no right. He's literally not wanting that in his reality and it happening upset him.I don't know what to think. I just know he was manifesting me the other night.
-doing squats to get more toned
-the smell of the grass and bushes after it rains
-the breeze in the air I felt tonight
-nightskies
-nami crisis hot line
-makeup
-getting my recap sent in tonight
-pulling off doing my job the other night, my first one also since Feb. It had a lot of challenges. I was very scared. I had to walk and navigate myself to the train over 8 blocks away and take my table with me on the train. All of this was huge for me. I was frustrated at the situation I was in. That I didn't have the emotional support in case of an emergency. But, wow I felt so accomplished doing it. It felt spiritual. Like as I navigated, each block closer was putting a piece of the puzzle together to get home. it felt like a game.I did it on only have small amount of train fare on me as well.I felt frustrated on the train thinking about the situation i've been in, angry but when I got home I felt in such a good mood. I literally put music on and was dancing a little. I did that. I felt great. People supposed to care for me treating me cruelly and making me feel abandoned and I did that on my own, no training wheels or safety net. A full day of working to and from. It felt amazing.
-getting creative to get things I want and pulling it off
-being a good mother to my cats
-my ex J, the one who's older than me contacting me. At first I was annoyed because I was like wrong ex. But, now I feel like maybe he can benefit me in some way. I can't take him seriously but everytime he's been in my life I do get a little bit of material things I need taken care of. So, maybe the universe sent him to help
-some fashionable items I have that I can "refurbish" by bringing them out to wear now and freshen up my wardrobe. Items I haven't worn in a long time so they'll feel kind of new
-my burberry sunglasses
-booking work for may
-new clients
-jack daniels and coke in a can cocktails. They taste so good
-food that tastes good and nourishing me
-my red light wand
-having another interview after I go to bed and wake up again
-being off topamax. I don't like how it made me feel getting off it in some ways because my life crashed at the same time and I have this thing where I associate meds with what happened in my life when starting them so I love Ativan because I remember suddenly feeling quiet and calm in my mind the first time I took it and it felt so blissful. I just felt like all will be well. and my cat who was missing returned that night. Wellbutrin when I started it I suddenly lost some of the weight I had gained and felt much more upbeat and productive and clear minded and almost kind of happy. Things turned for a positive direction in my life at the same time I started Wellbutrin.I've been nervous about weight gain being off of it but i've been on it long enough and i've gotten rid of all things that could have caused weight gain. I'm still on Wellbutrin which helps with weight loss. I'm going to be moving more and exercising more and have been and needed to adapt to that. And, I have Adderall now which also causes weight loss so it'll work out even if initially there was slight weight gain.
-having a baby face
-my dimples
-positive law of attraction stuff i've been following lately
-sleep. it's been feeling really good lately
-being smart and having an intellectual mind
-being considered beautiful
-having a nice body, it is improving and i'm starting to like the way it looks almost again
-having nice curves
-journaling and reflection, writing things down
-sitting outside and meditating
-patience
-counting my wins
-my older friend J who has been there for me still throughout all of this
-my dad still being there
-photo editing apps
-my accomplishments and beautiful photos of myself
-music
-deciding to stop with all the psychic online YouTube readings, I was giving it too much attention and it wasn't good for me
-my pink sculptural table
-doing affirmations
-baby wipes
-cleaning wipes
-newness
-staying firm on my desires
-listening to positive audios like from Louise hay the other night while walking
-others seeming to find me attractive
-my strength, resilience and determination
-my hair looking better now that I darkened a little bit but I do want to go back to blonde soon.
-the cool stories i've experienced in my life time
-being an interesting person
-my silver rain boots
-my sense of style
-changing things up a little with various life things based on where i'm at now in life
-doing a style/clothing update list of where I want my style to go, and items I need for my wardrobe
-that I can put my winter coat away since spring is here and has been for a bit now
-continuing to work on myself, and loving myself
-my child like side
-my wisdom
-my femininity
-showering and being clean
-compassion for self
-my blue water glitter ring
-four leaf clovers
-being unique
-being able to think for myself
-looking for the good even in the bad
-holding onto faith
-having a good heart
-my beauty
-my ability to do things others can not
-learning
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Re: GRATITUDE LIST
-going to the doctor finally
-getting meds for the new strange health condition I have and knowing what's going on with that and having pain relievers for it
-how amazing my doctors case manager is with caring and giving info and setting things up for me after my e.r visits
-making ravioli I got from the store and that it was good and only $3something
-getting my storage unit paid and cat food for the next week or so
-clean clothes
-going out to a new restaurant I haven't been to and trying new foods and experiences with older ex J
-my older friend J sending me more money again the other morning. Sometimes it feels like he's keeping an eye on me
-ordering pizza the other night just because. It may not be the smartest way to spend money right now but I wanted to do it
-not sure what I think of this but maybe it was a sign or sign my manifestation is near or that he's manifesting me. When my ex dropped me off the other day, he just happened to have to go a little far and passed the side J is on and I seen him outside in front of his house on his phone waiting for something it seemed. I'm not sure if he seen me and I did see him look over but not sure if he would have seen me from not the angle and whatnot.I never really ever see J outside. I'm not sure if he seen me and I told my ex to hurry and I didn't want to drive past that side and why and turned my head.
-well, don't know if this is a thing yet or not but randomly in the middle of the night after watching a documentary I connected the dots to my ex I was with in a disturbing way and felt distressed and emotional. Afterwards I wondered is this another person being vanquished because of J? It possibly seemed like it. We did talk still after that but he was more distant and weird and initially I wasn't sure what I'd do now after connecting those dots. It was pretty messed up but I need his help. They go away quick with J but not always instantly. Sometimes it takes a week or so and the person may come back in a little but again in a really repulsive way so I can't tell yet. I may have just happened to connect the dots which I do sometimes with things and his being distant could be from anything and he was less distant today and seemed like he had been expecting me to contact him which is weird and telling. So I don't know.
-relaxing a little bit about time pressure because I see some ideas, have things kinda organized and what else can I do so may as well relax and surrender
-music and discovering new songs
-getting my utility bill assistance approved for a 600 and something credit amount to my account so not having to worry about that now
-at least I have some good excuses for not making things on time that are legitimate and can possibly be used
-doing writing on a little bit of where I want to go in life
-my four leaf clover pillow
-trying to drink more water
-cute things cats do
-how good of a listener P cat can be and how receptive my cats are
-showering
-cleaning a little
-cleaning wipes
-that the plasma center should be open again or about to be
-aloe vera gel and how great it's been in healing my skin
-sleep
-blankets
-nightskies
-warm water
-sunshine
-nice weather
-how beautiful it can be sometimes being outside sitting or walking
-watching a lot less of those YouTube psychic readings. They weren't doing me good and at this point give me a headache
-meditation
-quiet outside
-walking more
-doing creative writing at times and how healing it is for me
-watching movies
-my accomplishments in the entertainment industry and fashion and having done some really cool things
-being a considerate and kind person
-having really beautiful eyes
-ideas
-being smart
-having a little bit of a baby face
-being thinner than I was this time last year
-confirming a lot of jobs for next month
-fashion and having great style
-inspiration
-hope
-having more energy after taking my meds from the doctor today
-my beauty
-having a beautiful soul
-how sexy I find J
-how much J and I have in common in little ways
-law of attraction audios and inspiration
-listening to positive mind food when I go for walks
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Re: GRATITUDE LIST
-self reassurances
-physical exercise to get more in shape
-my femininity
-working on boosting my confidence
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Re: GRATITUDE LIST
-manifesting another J experience since him being out of my reality which is weird. I feel the disconnection of energy, mostly. Occasionally i feel his energy but it's not like before but it is intense sometimes. I never had this kind of intense energy exchange with someone. First he was in front of his place in the morning when i was being dropped off last week and just in a way where it was almost surreal. I never really see him outside so it was a strange occurence to have done so. It wasn't nothing. I'm not sure he seen me. Well, today another weird thing happened. I seen a strange man looking for someone in his place him or someone else. The person walked in the back of the units like he was unsure then walked on his steps was there for a few minutes then walked to the side of his building a little. He looked insistent to find him or whoever and maybe concerned or something. It worried me.It seemed so red flag like it was confirming to me more that he does some shady stuff like drug dealing or some other crimes. I was worried about him. It's so insane how all those red flags about him, just attracting someone like him in my life. And then pondering what if something really odd is going on how does it make me feel about me and him as a possibility? Like could he only ever be this interesting almost dream like character that moves in my little in subtle ways that are impaceful and never being able to be deeper or serious? Almost like he's a figment of my imagination? It's weird and that's the way i felt after the first two times we hung out as well. Like he was this surreal character like was he even real or just a dream in a sense? So, i'm grateful i guess for caring about him. I texted him about it, because if it was me i'd want to be told.Maybe all this is some kind of the truth is going to be revealed to me soon thing. I never seen any activity by his place before nor him now some strange guy looking for him seemingly? I prayed for him and affirmed positive things after the situaton. This made me fee further from him despite it causing me to text him and me feeling that genuine worry for him.
-my beauty
-compliments
-organizing what i have to do to feel less overwhelmed by it all, and formatting the how's of some stuff
-my cute four leaf clovers notebook
-surrendering to ex J wanting in my life again thinking maybe it's a vessel for how i will get the help i need to be steady and stuff.
-ex J and I doing ok so far with each other and vibing relatively calmly so far. It's some ease which is nice. He's being nice and helpful, I'm talking to him and being open and it's been ok.
-ordering pizza the 2 nights in a row the other day. It was so good.
-J ordering us morrocan food last night. Trying a morrocan cookie. It was fun having good food and new experiences.
-J being good at picking out food for me when i don't know what to order or what i'd like
-doing a few pieces of laundry last night at J's place
-J being nurse like and letting him see my rash and him putting lidocaine patches on me
-acyclovir antiviral for healing my condition i'm dealing with right and making some improvement on how the rash looks and feels
-talking to J and him agreeing to give me money to hold my pawn shop items that is due in a day or so. Him venmo-ing me the money today for it
-having big beautiful eyes and a great eye color. Having eyes that make me look young and doll like
-my sense of style and my cute outfit i wore today the oat colored top and trousers with my silver rain boots and bomber jacket.
-my marc jacobs bag
-my silver rain boots
-reassurances from life
-prayer and affirming
-staying strong
-forgiveness
-music
-how good the sun felt on my skin today. It was so relaxing.
-having nice lips
-being told i have nice eyebrows recently
-getting complimented on a certain sexual thing of me that felt affirming. I joked can i save that text as a testimonial
-being told by someone i was their first crush in the city i'm in when they moved here
-ordering a gray cover up spray, finally because it's getting ridiculous and making me so insecure. I can look relatively young but then that's going to make it not seem like that even if people in their 20's have that happen
-getting a lot of style and fashion inspiration the other day for where i want to go with my style aesthetic and upgrading my wardrobe
-the humidifier in the bathroom making the air better
-red light therapy really doing wonders for my skin
-positive affirmations
-having nice weather lately
-taking things one day at a time to rebuild, and build. It's hard but it's making me a little more present
-predisone making me feel really nice and a happy boost a few times the last week and for helping my pain and inflamation
-having ravioli for dinner and that it only cost 3 something for a bag
-how good prego sauce is
-laughing and humor and funny things
-doing some yoga and a good heart chakra pose and how good that felt
-working on my solar plexus chakra
-being able to provide for my cats and take care of them and get them cat treats today to help with the food anxiety issues and just because. It sounds silly or like a little thing but i was thinking about how i've been taking care of them on my own. My first adult cats that are house cats, completely my responsibility, no one helping. I've had childhood cats, feral cats but these are my first on my own cats and i think i'm doing pretty good and that makes me feel good
-makeup
-my femininity
-my child like side
-showering
-cleaning wipes
-baby wipes
-cleaning some of the floor by the mirror yesterday. There was so much dirt that had gotten over there. i'm glad i took care of it
-sleep
-cuddling with my cats
-seeing my cats cuddling with each other and them being by me and how cute it is, and how much of a family we are
-the love in my heart and my determination to reach something i need to that feels tricky and has made me feel frozen in a lot of ways the trauma of it, but the love in my heart i'm determined and praying and affirming
-manifesting almost $400. I called about a rewards card from my insurance seeing how i could get it to work knowing i'd need a new one that mine was an old one and invalid and expecting to maybe get $25 on it or something that is able to be used at walgreens. Well, actually i have a balance of almost $400 somehow and she said she would send me a new card since the one that had been sent out didn't come to the address i get most of my mail at. And it can be used mostly anywhere on most things not just walgreens. This was super cool
-manifesting a last minute job for this week that pays well and will really help me out
-blankets
-doing a burning sage then breaks all incense ritual where i did my kali mantra then after some mirror affirmations
-having standards
-being in touch with my feelings
-walking
-my step tracker app
-doing creative writing and how helpful that is
-working on my correcting my charge
-getting comfortable with wearing slightly less clothing/layers as my body has trimmed down and it's time to accept myself more and go with it as i work more and more on getting where i want to be
-opening a new bank account
-drinking more water
-my pink sculptural table
-new experiences
-trying to have compassion for myself
-the medications i take to help me do life
-the awesome, fun, great experiences i've had in life
-entertainment
-sitting on the porch and walking with ex J. Through the cool alleys in his neighborhood to get our food and stuff was fun.
-my laptop
-having a phone
-flowers and seeing them blooming outside
-my watermelon aha bha acid toner
-my skin being less dry and healing from that
-doing my follow up doctor appointment today
-my blue glitter water ring
-learning
-being smart
-being resourceful
-reflection
-having self awareness
-positive audios i listen to while walking
-getting a lint brush finally today
-art
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Re: GRATITUDE LIST
A lot has gone down since my last post. Apparently J was robbed. Texted me the next morning his place was robbed and his cat was missing. Accused me of being involved 5 times which is insane. It really changed the dynamics with us again. One being we are speaking again, and me seeing how hurt he was or distraught broke my heart. Ever since too i've been more jumpy about the incident. It's like we are trauma bonding at this point. It got us back to speaking again though, just not in a way i'd ever want. We are now civil with each other and it's like what happened broke down the barriers that kept us from talking, mine being that after how he treated me i felt so hurt, how could he type stuff i can't just let him in again type stuff but this wasn't like that, it was crazy outside circumstances that broke through that because the other stuff didnt matter. Again, this weird thing as upsetting as it is almost seemed fated to happen to bring us together because why me that seen the weird guy when i never see him outside really or anyone relating to him, then that. And then but a day or two later, a fire truck and ambulance drove by in front of my place and two of them asked if it was for me. I said not this time. Then, like in such a surreal this can't be real am i a movie moment it drove further up and then turned to front of J's place. I was very nervous and watching. I didn't think I seen him but a younger looking guy talking to the paramedics. It's all a blur now but then someone going into something and i think being put on a stretcher and the fire truck that was in front of his house going off kind of quick and seeing what looked like a stretcher with a body on it like a dead body. I tried seeing who the kid was and observing and trying to hear but then realizing that what the body on a firetruck means i went inside quickly. I thought he was dead. With everything that had just happened and then this. I was so scared. I texted him several times. Called him and left a vm. Tried going out on the backporch a little to see if i could see something that might give me a clue but i dont even know what that would be. I then went on instagram and messaged him where are you.I even messaged a friend of his i seen in his list last summer from 2 of my profiles, i even said i loved him in one of the messages to his friend. I was crying so hard and so scared. Then J responded. I was freaking out still telling him what happened and that i'm sorry. He wasn't mad and now the other day he wants to see me.I just know all of this is a turn of events really, but especially that i told his friend i love him. So, yeah that' been the last week including dealing with getting my life a little more afloat and back to normal and dealing with shingles pain, etc.
-I'm grateful J is alive. The fear i felt. It was awful. I was just so scared so i'm grateful he's alive.
-that i know i did the best thing with what I had and knew with the robbing incident and I think J agrees. He wouldnt have wanted me to call the police from what it sounds like. I mean, he wasn't going to go the police so i can only assume that based on that but even if not i did the best i could with what i knew of him and the incident going on.
-seeing J again as a twin to me. Seeing him mirror me in ways with things he does like the bizarre accusations. I just tried to be patient and show him love.
-that J and i are speaking again
-that again with the ambulance incident i did the best i could with what i knew and my own natural subconscious responses.
-that I think, i have a feeling that the ambulance incident brought us closer together like it maybe changed something in him seeing how much i cared and that i cried for him and all that and told his friend i love him. At first i thought it meant nothing to him probably and maybe he was weirded out or annoyed or that he just doesn't care about me and i need to let it go, yes be there for him but get him out of my head. I've been feeling his energy on me a lot ever since and he asked me to hang out the other day. I think he's happy i contacted him on instagram. I think he was really upset when i first unfollowed him and then when i later recently blocked him so me messaging him there as silly as it is, i think he likes that. It was even the first place he responded to me. Maybe this will change the dynamics with us finally. Maybe seeing my acceptance and genuine care through all this and that i love him did something more than i know
-that J wants to hang out again
-pain from shingles going away more but it's still there
-the rash from shingles being faded a lot now
-proving the haters wrong
-working last week an event that will bring me half my rent money
-finishing my reasonable accomodation letter and being ready to send it first thing early a.m
-manifesting almost $400 on a giftcard that arrived yesterday
-the really nice guy who seen me crying and got someone for me and kept an eye on me asking if i'm ok. Because of him, i made sure i went to my job. I was so anxious i considered walking away but he brought out one of the bosses who was very nice and encouraging to me and made me feel like i could do this. She said i'm already ahead of the game, i'm gorgeous. She was very motivating and i was able to walk in and do my job.
-free lunch and dinner at my job
-being able to feel that feel good feeling of being productive and doing something good
-learning new route and more with directions when ex J had me meet him about 5 blocks past my job and it ended up being a little bit of a puzzle, could i do it but i felt safe knowing he was going to find me if i got lost and surely enough i found where i had to go which felt really exciting.
-getting some sun and how good that's been for me
-spending a little time in the outdoors just from walking outside to get to J, or my walks and so on
-getting the gray tank top i ordered in the mail
-getting the gray coverup spray and how much it's boosted my confidence covering up the grays that sprout up
-making my pawn shop payment i had to make
-getting asked out a lot
-ordering myself the cute ballerina sneakers i wanted since i deserve a treat
-getting closer on my walk by midway airport to marion's to practice overcoming the fear, getting the endurance i want, and working up my plan for the first thing i'll do regarding the cats. I'm almost halfway now. The walks are relaxing but i will have to do them earlier now that i'm getting further into the distance for safety.
-music
-my skin healing and finally starting to just be more hydrated and looking nice with the aloe vera, the watermelon and aha bha acid toner i use that hydrates my skin and the red light therapy etc.
-my watermelon glow hydrating toner. Never heard of a toner that hydrates but this one does and seems to be doing really nice things for my skin
-how cute my cats are
-having patience with my cats
-savoring the moment with my cats
-getting my cats more treats
-thinking about what new cat toy i could get them
-actually being in a good mood yesterday thinking about what i manifested:J wants to see me and almost feels like a start fresh energy, getting my pawn shop loan payment to hold for another month paid, the weather being beautiful, the gray coverup spray working so my confidence lifted and the gift card with almost $400. It made me feel like everything is going to be ok. Abundance is here. I can have what i want and heal what's happened in march and april
-that ever since the ambulance incident, i feel J's energy again a lot. It makes me feel weird mixed feelings because it means the disconnect was likely he shut off from me and that hurts Like, eff me and just detached. But, i feel it again like i did before things got weird in march.
-coffee cakes
-the rain we've had a few times recently and how peaceful it sounds
-the smell of fresh cut grass
-night skies
-sunshine
-the beautful sunsets we've been having
-aloe vera gel for doing an amazing job helping my skin
-how hydrated my skin gets from red light wand
-prednisone helping me feel better
-my femininity
-getting an idea more of where i want my style and look to go for the next year or so
-how smart i am to come up with the reasonable accomodation by having the idea, doing the research, finding a reasonable accomodation letter template and then filling it in and altering parts that made sense for my state's code since it was using a law citation from california so i had to look up my city's
-seeing another thing i forgot about before in research that protects with reasonable accomodation
-being smart
-my hair feeling nice and healthier lately
-trying to drink more water
-raviolis from the dollar store and how good they are and only about $3 a bag
-beautiful things
-positive affirmations
-prayer
-sleep
-my accomplishments and the cool things i've done that have given me a high status image
-sleep
-candy
-super sour gushers
-inspirational videos
-having desires
-feeling wanted
-having a good heart
-all these ideas i have for things to do and ways to make my life better
-yoga
-walking
-physical exercise
-doing some crunches today
-cleaning out the freezer
-becoming healthier and more self sufficient and slowly rebuilding what fell apart, it's very slow, but i'm hoping it'll pick up the speed soon. Right now i'm just starting to get afloat.
-inspirational videos
-funny videos
-laughing
-having beautiful young looking eyes
-clorox wipes
-cleaning
-having great fashion sense
-having a beautiful feminine face
-having a lot of work booked for the month
-the silly but cute things p cat does
-having a kind heart
-healthy digestion
-growing as a person
-embracing what is
-having good morals
-baby wipes
-the air in the bathroom feeling better since i started humidfying it. Still think it's insane the air here is so dry, i can FEEL it
-the desire to get back to creative pursuits and be driven and ambitious again
-inspiration
-standing up for myself
-new experiences
-people who are friendly to me
-seeing i have a vitamin d refill left that i never filled so requesting it
-trying new restaurants with ex J
-ex J giving me money to hold my items for another month
-ex J giving me money to uber the other day and to have more on my venmo because there's fees to withdraw and a little extra he gave me
-hoodies
-having a few shorts i can wear here
-feeling more confident in my ability to request abundance and certain lovers to me