CF's dream diary

Last night I had a very disturbing dream that brought back a feeling I hadn't had in years- a feeling I had at a certain time of my life in which I felt unloved, unwanted and completely alone- you could say that I was 'loneliness' personified.
In this dream I was in the same mindspace/emotional place as I was then, and I was reinterpreting things that have happened in my life (and inventing things that didn't actually happen) to justify the way I felt- I was feeling alone and rejected, so I was reexperiencing happy moments in my life (past successes in my professional life, past relationships that ended because I was done with them, and other things that were the exact opposite of what I was now experiencing- as if I were rewriting history in a very negative way, in effect denying the happy moments I have had in my life.
This was very frightening because it felt like it was me, and not 'an aspect' of me- in other people's retrieval accounts, I have always interpreted their retrievals as objectified remains that are experienced as external to yourself, but this was not this- this was as if that part of me had remained in the same train as it was at that moment and as if my life had been different- and it was horrible, something I couldn't live with.
Most of the aspect retrieval techniques I have read about involve treating the aspect as an object you integrate with, while in my case it feels more like an attempt to take over my mind with false memories and very strong, very negative emotions, emotions that threaten to overtake my own, or so it feels like that.
So if anyone has any ideas about how to deal with it, I'm all ears.

It seems like you encountered the "negative editor." Memory doesn't exist in an unaltered state, I'd say, but there is a certain amount of editing going on - not so much of the memory itself, but the reaction we show when remembering it, the attached emotional energy that comes with it. You can see here how the editor works - the same events can appear in different light. In fact, these were memories you seemed to be sure of their positive nature.

In this sense, you can see how such an editor works. I wouldn't worry too much about the specific memories, I'd think they rather served as examples. The retelling of one's own life story is a powerful way to assert trends in the ego, which leads to suppression of memories that can challenge the story and editing of memories to suit the story, till finally the memories seem to mostly match up with the story one wants to tell about oneself - even to oneself!

The emotional state might you found yourself in might have been a clue to the core of such a negative editor within you that might still operate within you from that feeling. Maybe you can ask to release that feeling, especially in your dreams, and use this as a way to trickle the editor's energy up at the root.

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The emotional state might you found yourself in might have been a clue to the core of such a negative editor within you that might still operate within you from that feeling. Maybe you can ask to release that feeling, especially in your dreams, and use this as a way to trickle the editor's energy up at the root.

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I'm going to have to chew this over as it seems like a very difficult thing to do. If you have any more information about this I'll be glad to look into it.

Just a simple before-sleep affirmation should help prime your dreams. Maybe turning into that feeling again for a short while and then doing the affirmation.

Another dream with a similar (past association) theme- This time I had been hired at the company I used to work at (which is now owned by a different corporation, and prob. no one I know works there anymore). The whole place was different, and I was given "my old job", to be shared with another woman. She and I were doing some work, when we were called in the office. A man said to us that the company had to cut costs, so we would be given some tests to see which one of us would stay.
At first he gave us a bunch of paperwork to do and he seemed intent on intimidating us. In my head I was thinking about my old boss, who was great, and whom I got along wonderfully, and wondered how this tool could be doing his job.
Then he gives me a test, and he asks me to identify the fragrance in question 4-B. When I look at the paper I see that there are questions 1 to 5, but no number 4. So I point this out to him. He laughs and said it was a trick test. Then he tells me he was going to fingerprint us to see if we were wanted anywhere. At this point I have closed my eyes and can see through my eyelids, (in a meditative state). He then takes my fingers as if he were fingerprinting me, and at the same time I am being told he is trying to intimidate me. I then think that at this point I am not going to turn back, I've gone too far to give up.
I think I finish the test in this state- I answer all the questions and complete whatever I was doing, and then the phone rang and woke me up. I'm not sure if I was "done" but I have the feeling that this experience (which started out as a projection, but after exit symptoms I simply decided to go to sleep) was part two of the last one, with the childhood issue.

I find myself in someone else's house. There are a variety of people there, but the room I'm in is a girl's bedroom, and she is supposed to be a friend of my son's. (Not one I know in waking reality). I see perched in the door of a closet (on the outside, hanging) what I know (or am told is) a Tetragrammaton Robe. I wonder if I"m supposed to put it on. I then take it, and look at it, and start looking for the name that's supposed to be embroidered on it. I see that the robe is many colors and has many symbols- in all the alphabets and some symbols that I don't know.
At some point there are other people in the room, and a man that looked a lot like Dr. Oz. He is there, watching as I inspect the robe, and a girl enters the room. I assume it's her room, but she is as ignorant about the robe as any teenage girl would be, so I start explaining to them what the robe signifies.
I ask both of them to help me search for the hebrew name of God on the robe, and as we go over it, I see the Hebrew name of God, http://0.tqn.com/d/altreligion/1/0/2/i/2/syhvh.jpg
and I then see (Idk how, because I don't read Hebrew) that the other names of God are in it in pillar form towards the back center of it- E'he'ieh (or however it's spelled) Jehova Elohim, Jehova Eloha Da Vedas, Shaddai el Chai, and Adonai Ha Aretz. I then begin to explain to them that these are the names of God, that when told in order, speak of a beginning Universality and Unmanifestation, go into the Creation of the World (and as I go downwards, I explain about God being the Word, and then being Man, and I start to wake up around the legs down (to the part when I explain that Adonai is the most individualized and 'Old/Modern' interpretation of God, when the people are too afraid to say his name because they consider him a "Lord", and how it's evolved from nothingness to concreteness.
I then start to get my marbles back, and completely wake up after having explained this to them.
As I was speaking, I got the impression that the "Dr. Oz" type already knew all this and was pleased at my interpretation/teaching. Like he was training me to teach this stuff.
Ps. this interpretation of the Middle Pillar Exercise I didn't get from studying it, so I don't know how correct it is (I do know what some of the words mean but I haven't read enough about them to know anything, really.)-So the interpretation is either subconscious, or a guess.
I guess I have some research to do.

Very impressive and detailed experience.

The fabric felt very nice too. Like silk but not too slippery.

July 25, 2011-The night before last night:
I was having a conversation with a woman, and we were arguing. She was complaining about something, like making a few points, when, in the middle of the exposition she began to blink slowly and fell asleep without completing her argument. As she did this, I saw her transform slowly into a cat, that looked just like my deceased cat. As I observed I was thinking "just like a cat to lose her train of consciousness" or something of the sort.

July 26, Last night:
There was a a young couple with a baby. They were both black. They gave me her baby and said it was mine too. I was surprised, but it was expected. I took the baby which was sleeping and went to the kitchen to look for baby bottles, and found that the ones I had prepared the last time the baby was in my house were old and spoiled, and I couldn't find any formula in the house.
I was having all this anxiety because I was not prepared to care for this baby that was somehow mine at times, and I couldn't even find regular cow's milk in the refrigerator either. It really wasn't my house either, the people of the house were somewhere else and I was stuck at the house with a little baby and nothing to feed her. (It was a little girl) After much searching I finally asked the man of the house about milk or formula or something and he simply brought me to a garage which had another refrigerator with milk and clean bottles and everything I needed to feed and diaper this baby.
I woke up, kind of stressed out.

C.F. I probably don't have to tell you that babies may reference new projects and responsibilities and that you can often work out which one in particular the dream refers to by the baby's age. Since it's yours and belongs to others as well it may be a group project.

Of course, other readings are possible.