As I child, I enjoyed school much and often had good grades. At the threshold of teenagehood however, I started growing concerned about other’s perception of me, and I started feeling that others didn’t like those who stand out, especially not when it comes to good grades. Those were considered nerds and were left apart. And I didn’t want to be left apart; I wanted to be accepted and loved. And so, I would make sure not to study nor work hard so that I would have bad grades. Moreover, whenever I would get a bad grade, I would oddly spread the word about it, to let others know that I was `no better than they were`. ``Wow, you got a B! As for myself, I found that exam so difficult: I got a D!`` To my shame and dislike then, yet luckily for me, the teacher took me apart one day to discuss about this… I wasn’t open to discussion, but simply telling me he had noticed my behavior and expected a change was enough, for thanks to him, I stopped `aiming for bad grades` shortly afterwards.
A friend’s helping hand
Last week, a good friend sent me a link to a French radio show he had listened to. He said he recognized me much in it and that surely, it would give me food for thought. I listened to it, and indeed, it was my portrait, and the portrait of that girl who was aiming for bad grades to be accepted by others. It was the portrait of persons who feel different, marginalized, typically very sensitive, and easily hurt by how they feel they are perceived, who therefore try hard to fit in and be accepted. To do so, they choose to tone down their true self, what makes them different, what makes them stand out, as they believe differences can set one apart and make others uncomfortable, and they don’t want that. Yet by doing so, they shut inward their own light. The solution may seem easy then, but for one who has been caught in such a web of thinking patterns for years, it actually takes much work to free oneself from it, and much courage to dare to be different, to allow oneself to shine, may it be only to one’s own eyes.
Opening up has been an ongoing theme in my life for years, and interestingly, recent events all seemed to conspire to help me reveal myself more. Firstly, there was this radio show, but more was to come later on that day, as my friend was to write me another email to tell me about a dream he had had about me that night, very clearly referring to my reluctance to reveal myself…
The luggage (My friend’s dream)
March 18, 2012
We are on our way to give a French lesson to someone important, either the prime minister (Canada) or the president (United States). While we are walking on the street to go to his place, security officers stop us to control our luggage. It is a normal procedure, given the circumstances. My friend open his luggage without any problem; he brought his dictionnaries, etc. But when my turn comes, I become very strange, suddenly very closed, as if I didn’t want to show what was in my luggage, which is even padlocked. My friend doesn’t understand why I am behaving this way, and he is almost upset about it : ``We are only going to give a French lesson… It’s not like she is carrying lingerie or anything ambarrassing!``
Whether I am comfortable with it or not, it is mandatory to show the content of my luggage, and when the responsible asks me what it is that I am carrying, I answer timidly ``juste des petits jeux`` (just little games). From what my friend understands in the dream, these are educational games to teach French. He wakes up.
The issue…
When I am asked what I did during the weekend and I don’t want to say that I have been meditating, holding a tarot session, writing my dreams, reading and pondering about spirituality, and so on (not that all I do is so-oriented! ), I typically give an answer very similar to the one I gave to the dream security agent: ``des petites affaires tranquilles`` (quiet little things), which is true in a sense, but quite diminishing, as if I wasn’t comfortable with that side of myself, as if I was ambarrassed to reveal that I do these things and that I can even be good at it, and as if it was all too personal, too intimate (like lingerie) to reveal. Yet in the dream, I was clearly carrying nothing to be ambarrased about and nothing too personal to reveal.
That said, it’s really not the first time that a message for me is delievered through one of my friend’s dreams. I like to think that my higher self and guides agree -or conspire ()- with my friend’s higher self to do this when the message is important and don’t get through, or when they want to put emphasis on it, or simply want me and my friend to discuss the issue, as whenever my friend dreams about me, he tells me, and this is usually a prelude to a long and rich conversation in which we work out each other’s issues, which we did later on that night when we talked on the phone.
…And the solution
So in this dream, I feel I was shown what the issue was so that I could work it out with my friend, but there was more to that lesson, as interestingly, our conversation was to be followed by these meaningful dreams of my own I was to have that very night, which would each have a different purpose toward the same goal: freeing myself from what holds me back to let my own light shine.
A walk on the beach
March 19, 2012
I walk on a beach along the sea under a bright blue sky. It is warm, and I should be wearing something more appropriate for the beach and the weather. I think of a bikini, yet I seem to think that it would be way too revealing! I come to a compromise then, it seems, as I am now wearing a beautiful two pieces beach set of fine and lightweight white natural fabric. Not too covering, not too revealing. I feel very good and free, and as I walk lightheartedly on the beach, I see `my mother` sitting dreamily on a picnic table near the sea, wearing a beach dress of the same fabric. I notice how good she seems to feel too. A man is around also at this point. One I know and trust. (Quite possibly a guide.) I notice that my legs already have a little tan. ``The sun is strong!`` I tell them both lightheartedly ``Our skin will be tanned in no time!``
This dream seems to be inviting me to reveal more, but it seems like it’s fine to draw a line somewhere, and that I don’t have to walk around with no clothes on…like some do with perfect ease in very formal office settings! That said, it was also as if I was given the chance to experience ahead how good it would feel to open up, to free myself a little more from my fear to step in my greatness. It felt so good it was a sure thing I would long to free myself more, just like in the dream.
Homeworks
And as if this wasn’t enough, this dream was to be followed by another one, on the same night, which was sure to push me forward in the physical. I was going to be given `homeworks` to try out this freedom I longed for...
(More to come!)
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