Re: Not sure...
Originally Posted by
farewell2arms
Some things that seem very clear at a certain point can go away or get covered up by the mind only to come back later. In the eariler days it freaked me out all the time, and I used to put a lot of effort into "bringing that state back" which of course, did not work out too well.
Yeah, that's the whole "ego thinks it can do this stuff" thing going on. "But wait! I can bring it back! Just watch!" Heheh.
I tend to think of it in terms of the tide coming in. Every wave is just a little higher on the sand, and then it washes out again, but eventually, you look and find that the water is several metres higher than it was before. (Of course, with the ocean, the tide also then goes OUT, so the metaphor only works just so far 
).
Originally Posted by
yortyort
Also, please excuse me CP for being nosy or rude, but was the pain you felt an effect of raising the Kundalini or more personal? Please don't answer if that's not a comfortable area.
Oh, it's okay. I've talked about it before on these boards (and in other contexts, too).
Essentially, I was a very dysfunctional person. I grew up in a very dysfunctional home, with very dysfunctional parents and very little stability, and it took its toll. When Kundalini started to do its work (I had no clue what "Kundalini" was, nor did I know of the concept at all, so I certainly didn't call it that or know what it was), it first had to get rid of layers and layers of accumulated emotional stuff I had never dealt with. Repressed rage was a biggie, but there was also shame, guilt, loads of fear, you name it. I had kept it all in sort of self-generated internal "rooms" and Spirit just started to dissolve the walls, and I had to deal with all that stuff, finally. Thirty years of never-dealt-with anger, pain, fear, etc., and done at a pace that was just barely within my ability to tolerate. In fact, I didn't always tolerate it that well, and I went off the edge a couple of times (spent some time in the psychiatric hospital, though not a lot).
The thing that made it worse was that I kept resisting, because escaping and resisting pain was one of my typical coping patterns. I just didn't accept it, didn't deal with it, fought it every step of the way. In some ways, this enabled me to survive with my intellect and ability to love intact, but then it made the healing process just that much more difficult. This is why I always advise people in any stage of awakening to let go and surrender to it and resist as little as possible. The more you fight, the more difficult it is, and if it's going to happen, it's going to happen, so you may as well just allow it and give up the resistance.
Not everyone ends up in the looney bin as the result of Kundalini awakening, of course, but plenty of people find their reality pretty wobbly and their ability to cope very ineffective. When your entire self is being, essentially, re-written, it can be quite difficult.
I don't like to scare people when it comes to spiritual awakening, because it is more worth it than any words can ever express. I would not go back to what I was for any reason, despite the pain and difficulty of transformation. But metamorphosis is difficult, and it's rarely without struggle and pain, and I see people who think "Oh, yeah, I'll awaken Kundalini and I'll be transformed, cool!" and it is, but it's not a happy, floaty-lotus, bliss-yourself-silly experience (though there ARE moments and even days or weeks of bliss, or there can be, anyway). It's not something to undertake without some awareness of what you're getting into as far as the process.
Even the esteemed Robert Bruce ended up having a difficult passage when it came to Kundalini awakening. I can't recall all the details just now (haven't had my coffee ), but I seem to recall that he underwent a period of great instability. He also notes that all of the cool new abilities that are said to come with awakening don't really become effective until after a period of reconstruction and until stability is restored (which I have found to be true, myself). I can't recall why Robert thought his experience was difficult (something about a back injury, I seem to recall, but I can't remember now and I'm far too lazy to look it up 
). I don't think he was especially dysfunctional (I would say "malformed" in my own case), but he had a hard time of it, too. Lots of people do.
I think you can compare it to undertaking a long, dangerous hike through mountains. If you go with the proper preparation, it's a lot easier and less likely to kill you than if you just get up one day and start walking, poorly equipped and without much idea what's ahead of you.
I seem to be terribly verbose lately. I've always tended to be, but lately... wow. It just pours out. And when I read it back I think, "What? I wrote that? Wow..." I think this happens when I write from standing in not-self. Self is a lot funnier and tends to write in shorter paragraphs.
May the light surround you, may you be blessed. May the light surround us, may we be blessed. May love and light surround us all, and may we all be healed and blessed. And so it is, and so it shall be, now and ever after.
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The more guidance I can get is so valuable! It must have been very hard to go through your journey without much guidance like I have. I feel extremely blessed to have Robert's books and this forum filled with great people 
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