IA´s dream diary....

[IA56]

From last night I only remember one episode, I was in a pool and 2 of my friends was sitting by the pool. We where small talking and I was lying on my back in the water and pushed with my feet´s and floated to the other end...I pushed with my hands and floated back with my feet´s first...suddenly someone shout´s...there is a ghost hurry...and everyone run and I was left alone and the water resistans was so heavey that I hardly could move...so I shouted, please someone help me...so the women friend run back and lended her hand to me and pulled me up from the pool and we run....(I have never seen these friends before, a male and a female, yet I knew them)

[IA56]

I know why I had this dream last night, it must have bean triggered because my sister called me, and asked me if I am going to go to the big party what our first cousin is throwing up for his husband, for his 50 year birthday-party.

I told her as it is…if I am in this shape I am now, I am not going to go, but if I feel better then I might, but there is a big problem, I do not have any car but she said that can be arranged…..so the dream was like this….

I was with my x husband L..we where going to be married again…he asked me if I am sure now…I said…yes I can promise you to stay with you from now on…he said…stay with me…and I felt the deep meaning of his question….yes I said..whatever happens I will not divorse you again…but I said…I can not promise you the wedding night because we have not had any time to slowly again learn to know each others…and it will sure come later…he did be satisfyed with that answere and he went out to do some arrend…I went to bed, I was exhausted…he come back home in company with a mutual friend to us… I did have had a brief affair with this man after my divorse from L…he this man said…oh ia I see your dark curly hair, I have many pictures of that head on my pillows…I did feel at once…what did I promise to L…I feel awful, I can´t re- marry him again…I felt so embarresed and in shame…

This dream show me much about me, I make hasty decissions in the moment of now, but do not realize the consequenses of my decissions, what cause and effect they have in the long run…
This sure make me to start to see life differently and to consider my options more careful before making any choises, it matters how you decide, what out come it gives…it is very clear how easy it is to make easy choises but it has bigger effect than I could ever imagen.

Time to start to take more responsibillity and not make hasty decissions.

[IA56]

I only remember one sequense from last night...I was like over hearing a conversation between 2 people, ...

They said...I can´t call her, I have nothing wise to say....

I answered thelepatecly....You can ask how she is, it is enough reason to call.

[IA56]

In last night Dream it show clearly how ambivalent I am....the Dream was like this...I was with a male co-worker (have not ever seen him in real Life) Another co-worker a female did come down staires and she asked if we (it was like totally normal to her that me and this male co-worker Always do things togeather?) where going to eat in the Company diner, he asked what food they served today, she said something and he said no...he did like assume me to go with him, so I asked...shall we go out for a pizza and he looked at me like I was crazy..and he said firmly NO...okay I said and felt stupid....I really had liked to eat pizza...why did I not go alone out for a pizza?? I just adjusted to his wish...

Now I remember this sequense from last night...I am not sure if it was my sister or someone els but the feeling was it was her, and she did have my hospital journals, I was surprised and I started to look and read with her, and she said...there is a cat-skan do you want to see...yes I said please...I saw the x-ray Picture but my attention did go to a photo and I had hard time to see whom it was picturing...It was a christmas photo when my son was very Little, and they where dressed in White and read out fit´s..I was trying to look if I am on that photo too or not...I did show to my sister but at once she touched the photo it did change and now she had several other Pictures in her hand and she said...what do you mean...I said..now the photo dissapeared, and I was feeling betrayed....something she did not want me to know...I was dissapointed ...

In this seequence I am not sure but some relative maybe my sister or mother did call the Queen of Sweden...I was like...what...and I did see postcards written to my Brothers but no stamp on them...I was thinking to post them so they get them...

[IA56]

In last night Dream it show clearly how ambivalent I am....the Dream was like this...I was with a male co-worker (have not ever seen him in real Life) Another co-worker a female did come down staires and she asked if we (it was like totally normal to her that me and this male co-worker Always do things togeather?) where going to eat in the Company diner, he asked what food they served today, she said something and he said no...he did like assume me to go with him, so I asked...shall we go out for a pizza and he looked at me like I was crazy..and he said firmly NO...okay I said and felt stupid....I really had liked to eat pizza...why did I not go alone out for a pizza?? I just adjusted to his wish...

Now I remember this sequense from last night...I am not sure if it was my sister or someone els but the feeling was it was her, and she did have my hospital journals, I was surprised and I started to look and read with her, and she said...there is a cat-skan do you want to see...yes I said please...I saw the x-ray Picture but my attention did go to a photo and I had hard time to see whom it was picturing...It was a christmas photo when my son was very Little, and they where dressed in White and read out fit´s..I was trying to look if I am on that photo too or not...I did show to my sister but at once she touched the photo it did change and now she had several other Pictures in her hand and she said...what do you mean...I said..now the photo dissapeared, and I was feeling betrayed....something she did not want me to know...I was dissapointed ...

In this seequence I am not sure but some relative maybe my sister or mother did call the Queen of Sweden...I was like...what...and I did see postcards written to my Brothers but no stamp on them...I was thinking to post them so they get them...

I can´t understand how Deep all my dissapointment has gone...how can I really keep this to stay in my past?? How can I in the now not to be dragged back to my past scars?? I do want to be in the now...for in the now I am not dissapointed..I am happy.
But like these Dream I have had lately show how much unsecurety and letting others be telling me what and how to do...I see how easy I am pushed off guard and I adjust to others wishes...I want to keep my cool in every moment, and feel I am the one who decide if I will follow others or not...But not as it is now...I just ALWAYS do as others want. I just do not know how to take the lead in my own Life!!
This is the reason I feel I just want to be alone, when I am alone I have no problem to make decissions and know what I want, but it take´s only one person to make me stop having the lead in my own Life, I at once become a follower...WHY??!!

[IA56]

In last night Dream I did make an Telephone call to a professor in cancer. The hospital´s initials is HS and I did say mine name and I said...I have bean treated for several conditions and now I need to know what kind of tests I can tell my doctor to take so we can solve my issues....He took my birth date and social security numbers and he said he will look into it...but I awoke Before he did get back to me...so I have several questions...Do I identifye my HS as a male?? Do I know Deep down that I have cancer but it has not surfaced yet?? Do this mean I have to really really stop to limit my self by fear even I am still like paralysed by it, or is it only what I Think I am??..Maybe the old tracs are fooling me still?? and I have to give me more time to heal and grief??

[IA56]

In my last night Dream I did meet total new people...specially one women with no fingers and not toes, I did not ask what had happent to her, she did thank me and she said she had left me a gift, I could get it from a Place she said to me...I asked for what...she said she wanted to thank me for standing up and speaking mine mind...oh I said..so to yell and be angry is paying off, and she laughed...I started to go to that Place to see what she had bought to me, but I all the time find myself in different places and I did not get to know what it was....

In this seequence I was buying new shoes....(new path Walking I assume)

[IA56]

Last night in my Dream I was going to travel by subway... There was a women with a small Child...one alone male Child...and me in the que...the women said she has to go first her Little girl is tired and hungry, so I let them pass, now I looked at the boy Child and I said, you can go Before me....he did not have any Money, I asked what do you have in your pocket and he did show me...a candy bag...with lakrize pirat Money candy..I did first give it the the lady who sell the tickets..but she gave it back to me and I did put it back in his pocket...I asked...are you alone...yes he said...I said to the lady that you maybe must call a police officer to take him home...and she did...Now I started to be in a bit hurry and I gave money to the lady to buy me a ticket...now it was here I noticed it was my mother...I said...give me a ticket...she did delay it and like did not want to sell me a ticket...so I said..how hard can it be...she showed me that it was complicated...and when she showed me the price tabel it was really complicated, I had to accept but here I awoke myself from the Dream....??

I did also got a name in the Dream...L William...and I was not paying attention enough...I lost it...the meaning why the name did be spoken...I did notice that I was distracted and it is why I do not remember anymore so much from my Dreams....I have to start to be more collected and not all over the Place with my attention, I can´t grasp all and Everything...trying too much I loose Everything...but atleast I now know now why I do not remember so much from my dream´s anymore...now I can do something about it, it feel´s good.....

[IA56]

In my Dreams last night I was in 2 different and challenging situations...first I was in a forest with wild animals attacing us, and I had Children and some grown ups to protect...we found a high Cage in the forest and I said, we climb up on the Cage roof and sleep for the night, the morning did come and I noticed that the side we climbed up to the Cage was very high, but on the other side it was low...the ground so to speak...it was horrible to notice that we where not at all protected as I thought, but not knowing about the true circumstances all Went well, but it did really make me Think in new patterns so to speak....


This seequence was me sitting in a car with a man, I can´t say who he was, he was the driver, and we was supposed to drive over a bridge but he refused to drive over it, and he said he want drive becides the bridge, I tried to tell him that it might be difficut to find a way to get back on the road again, and it might be obstacles we can not drive past...but he did want me to give him a go to drive his way, and I said...okay...all Went rather well and we ended up on the other side of the bridge but it was too steep the bank and I told him..see...we can not drive up here the car will not manage it to the road...so we looked futher down and noticed to see staires rather low so it would be managable to drive the car up to the road..but he now again wanted to drive backwards....he turned the car around but here I have had it...I did get out of the car and started to walk into the forest...suddenly I had a Child with me...but in somehow he dissapeared and I was all alone..now I did see a house on a hill and I was going there, I found a pathway and I was releved because Before that I was Walking in a high grass and it was difficult...now I felt something on my right leg on the caf but on the right side...I was too occupied to climb up to the house so I was thinking I will look into the leg later...now it was so steep and I was thinking...they can in no way drive a car on this road up to the house...I was totally taking all off me to get up to the house but I did manage...I got into the house and there was 2 women an older and a younger one...and some Children...I was so exhausted so she the younger said..lay on the couch for a minut...and I did...after a while I rose up and now I looked at my caf....it was 2 heded snake...not alive but like a braclese of some kind...the women did take it fast..and did not want to talk about it...so I only said...it must have bean on the couch where it did stick to my leg...and we did not talk more about it

There was more too but I am too comfused of the Dreams warying so much and so much of happening and strong feelings involved...I have to let it sink in....I might come back and fill in more if I see it nessessary....huh...what a night

[IA56]

The night Before last I did have an experience what I did not record because I was asking John if it was him in my Dream and if he was aware of it...I do not know how John look like...but the feeling I had was that it was him...the feeling I have got from his Writings here...the Dream was like this...I woke up in the Dream when I noticed an energy entering my sphere so to speak...Í looked at the right from where the energy was coming...and a Young mans face appeared ....I asked...who are you...he only smiled but did not say anything...Now a new energy approaces me from my front...and I at once see it is my first cousin M...and I grabbed her on her shoulders and said...Hi, it is me...do you recognize me...she did not...and is now looking total in fear at me...I started to Think...she does look like just as my cousing M but can not be her because she does not recognize me...so my thoughts go like this...do I not look like as me as I do in my flesch body??...how do I look like in my energy essence....so these questions did arise...but why did she look like her..but did not recognize me as me??....who can answere this to me...why it was like this??