Ok now THIS is indeed a huge post but believe me it's worth it after you see the amazing discovery i made! By the way it was a lot bigger before i post it, i had a lot of trouble resuming parts and knowing what would be more important or not to write, so excuse me if i still write too much to descrive the problem.
After months and months of daily emotional abuse and picking on by my boss because of the mistakes i do at work in a daily basis i started to get real desperate and start trying psionic stuff/energy work since medication for anxiety obviously only made me have insomnia so i can't even take pills for this.
By the way my boss is my own oncle, this is a long story, all that matters is that i am completly stuck with this job to have money for bills and food and i have no other alternative because of my autism/asperger personality and besides the ONLY thing i am good at is computers, for example this is infact my first job even tough i was 27 years old when i first started this job. So to avoid making this topic longer, i won't be giving more details about him unless asked.
During 2007-2010 fortunately i only has gone 2 days a week on this job, but since dezember 2010, from monday to saturday it became a full time job, and of course my life worsened a LOT, it has become a living hell, i was forced to endure on a daily basis several almost permanent panic attacks and anxiety, along with very strong feelings of dread, fear and shame everytime i do a mistake and he notices it.
So since getting other job is even harder than winning the lotery here (yes it's true) i started to search everywhere in learning how to IGNORE/ACCEPT provocations, "belittling" and scoldings without feeling the need to arguing back and to not feel very strong negative emotions, this is the ONLY way to not suffer while keeping this job, because ever since i got to this job i started to develop a huge phobia from angry people and yelling (in fact i even suspect i am starting to get empathy, specially of negative emotions), and in top of this i already had some phobias since a child because of being bullied at school (in fact i AM being bullying/picked on by absolutly everyone in my whole life, mostly because of the asperger personality i have so i am treated like a child my wholelife even tough i am 32 years old because i interpret everything literally or in the opposite way of what the others are thinking) which causes me to always feel very strong feelings of shame and humiliation when being picked on or pointed for doing mistakes, and since my boss is almost like what it's called a "impossible person".
Also there is a few days that i have a UNSUAL surge of bad luck, it's almost like there is a "curse" on me or jynx because many times very unsual problems start appearing on the computer i use for my boss, and they usually happen almost all i a single day, ir in 2-3 days in sucession, sometimes a whole week, almost exactly like these problems are appearing JUST for my boss to get angry and blame me for the 100000000th time for them (remember he is a impossible person almost all the time mostly only when he is angry) because it's always computer errors that have absolutly no reason to happen, it's exatly almost like i have a jynx or something because i never see this type of unexplained errors in other computers i use. Sometimes i even wonder if i am being victim of psychic atacks or from negatives/ghouls.
Since i don't even have chance to go to shrinks or doctors (i can't even dare to ask him days off for that, and since he doesn't believe in shrinks and in top of that, he doesn't believe i have any problem at all, unless, of course when he is calling me crazy indirectly), i have to try to solve this on my own, ever since november i started making a very detailed study and diary about my daily life, for example, i take note everytime i get angry, which situations make me angry or feel specific negative emotions, the number of times and intensity that my boss gets angry with me and the level of negative emotions i feel, and also what i watch on tv, what i play in video games, and the kind of material i like in the strange sexual desires i have has a negative effect on my mind or not, because sometimes i wonder if the things i like in my hobbies (not the ones i mention on the profile exactly) this could be attracting "anger" to my life, that, or i must have a HEAVY negative karma from my past life, sometimes i wonder if in past lifes i was exactly like my oncle... (jeez i can't possibly imagine the tons of negative karma he is generating everyday, even tough thank god he doesn't do physical violence).
I also discovered the EXCELLENT advices that Eckart tolle says on power of now, and there was a major improvement on my life, i mean, by reading that book over and over this had some kind of priming effect on my mind, and a few days later i finally stopped dwelling on the scoldings and arguing, it was specially the dwelling on the negative emotions and in what i could have said to fight back and i couldn't, that made the anxiety happen i guess THIS was what is called "repressing emotions", isn't it?. BUT there was a problem with this method : this wasn't automatic, i mean, i always HAD to remember to be present for this to work, because it was such a massive habit to always react to the phobia triggers that i always completly forgot to remember to be present, specially when i am in constant massive pressure to do everything ultra fast and without a single error or even hesitation!
Also of course this wasn't enought to stop the automatic massive negative emotions to be triggered everytime he gets angry with me, or when i got provoqued so there's got to be another better solution that didn't envolved remembering to be present, specially because after a few times of reading the book the priming effect didn't work anymore and day by day it was more and more difficult to remember doing this on a daily basis on my own, but at least the dwellings on the negative toughts i never let them continue anymore for too long and thanks to this i have a bit less stress and doesn't reach unsuportable levels like before, but finally i found a better way!!
A few weeks ago, during the daily bus rides i have to take to get to my job (they are 40m long) i had a great idea, why not start doing a "faster" and short new energy ways exercice (since i am limited to 40m+-) to see if this has any effect on dealing with emotions? After all i already tried almost everything and almost nothing so far worked, not even breathing exercices or focusing on the breath, just the presence methods by eckhart tolle on "the power of now" and it was only a very temporary aid. So i start doing this to help me stop feeling such intense reactions from my ego from being scolded and belittled/provoqued. Since i am limited to 40m on the bus i now do this in a daily basis, NOTE that most of these brushing/wrapping mental actions using body awareness are done almost in a "hurry" and it's not very throught or intense, besides i have trouble fully concentrating on this, so i think that this energy work isn't THAT intensive on chakras :
- mentally brushing my foot chakra, then the whole foot top and the sole and toes
- wrapping the ankle
- brushing the front and back of my lower leg
- wrapping the knee joint
- brushing front and back of upper leg
- brushing hip joint
- repeat the above steps in the right leg
- mentally brushing my hand top and palm
- wrapping the wrist
- brushing the forearm, on the outside and inside part
- wrapping the elbow joint
- brushing the upper arm on the outside and inside part
- wrapping the shoulder joint
- repeat all the above on the right arm
- stirring action on the root chakra directly
- brushing action very slowly starting from coccyx and then up to the neck, each minute on a chakra level area on the spine (for example, i spend 1m brushing up and down a specific part of the spine near each of the major chakras)
- doing a brushing action very slowly from the body front, starting at the solar plexus area, then heart chakra area and then throat area
- a wide wrapping horizontal action around my neck, covering also throat chakra on the front, and the shoulders surface
- stirring action on the chin (ADMEITUS chakra) or sometimes brushing action instead, then nose point, then the 3rd eye chakra directly, then the back of the head (ERECHTHEUS chakra area), and finally the crown chakra (even tough i change sometimes the specific order of this)
- brushing wide action starting from throat chakra, passing through chin, lips, nose, 3rd eye, then to crown chakra going in a straight line inside my head starting from 3rd eye, then back down to my back of the back and ending at the neck, and then repeating this action a few times quickly, again starting from the throat chakra
- then to finish i do a mental brushing action in a straight line between my 3rd eye and ERECHTHEUS chakra area, almost like there was being a imaginary physical wire being pulled back and forth
- sometimes to conclude i do some kind of grounding exercice (there is a specific hand position in kundalini reiki that is supposed to balance energies, even tough i never was sure if that really works or not), altough i never noticed any negative side effects when not doing any balance, by the way i always have to do a 15m walk on foot to reach my job after i arrive by bus, maybe this has some grounding effect i don't know.
Well, in the first 1-2 days i don't notice anything different, BUT after 2-3 days i start noticing "miraculous" changes, instinctively i start feeling less fear and dread when confronted with the phobia triggers (boss yelling or getting angry), i notice that in the first days this gradually improves each day, for example usually it takes a week of n.e.w. to me feel almost no fear or panic/dread during those provocations or at least decrease a lot the frequency at which they happen (since they never dissapear completly), BUT strangely i noticed there is still a lot of intensity of the shame/humiliation feelings even tough sometimes i don't have them, so even the frequency of those get reduced as well. Also i don't think it's about emotions being repressed anymore but rather just them not being created anymore, or at least being created with a LOT less intensity.
And that's not all i even feel some internal peace of spirit during the "calm times" (i mean, when my boss isn't angry) that i don't usually feel, and i start working better and faster at work, BUT of course those mistakes i do because of being asperger and having literal thinking that can't be helped of course, so it's almost impossible to completly avoid getting misunderstoodings from my boss orders, but at least sometimes i feel a lot more confortable when being confronted by mistakes even tough the humiliation and shame emotions are still frequently present but even those seems to happen less frequently now. By the way the panic/dread feelings DO come back sometimes, but happen a LOT less frequently and with less intensity now.
What is amazing in this is that this happens NATURALLY and automatically, i DON'T have to conciously try to be calm, or to remember to accept the present and the emotions like i did before, this is exactly what i needed, because with all the huge pressure i have to do everything at the speed of light and without mistakes and of course when the mistakes happen, my boss imediatly started yelling and belittling, calling me crazy or a baby in 1001 indirect ways and of course it always caught me by surprise it's impossible to remember to not react, but when doing n.e.w. i don't have to worry about this anymore, altough sometimes i still react with some anger BUT even that has a lot less fear and panic behind it...
Also after i started doing this n.e.w. noticed i frequently get small aches/needle like pain in my throat and heart chakras always at the front part of the body (not in my back) and even on the crown chakra, this of course almost never happen when i didn't do n.e.w.), but it's always small aches so i guess i am not working that hard on them, also it's on a different chakra each day, somedays it's on the heart chakra, other's on the throat chakra and others on the crown, but fortunately those are the only "negative"/pain related side effects i had so far, by the way even after doing that n.e.w. even for several days, the pains DON'T get worse so i guess it's still on a acceptable level, i say this because i know we shouldn't overwork the main chakras or avoid touching the main chakras directly. Oh i remember now sometimes i also have a ache on the spine level of the solar plexus chakra or heart chakra, but this is rare.
And now another amazing thing, after 2-3 weeks of doing this on a daily basis, i started to get tired of doing this on a daily basis (this was that problem i discrived in my first post yesterday about the face muscles tensing), so i tried stopping doing n.e.w. interely to see what happens, and you can believe what happened?? After 2-3 days of stopping doing it gradually it all came back to "normal" !!! I mean, the fear and dread emotions just came back everytime the phobias are triggered, and of course the internal peace was completly gone after a few days! This was by the way, a even bigger shock than it was when i noticed those improvements when i started doing n.e.w., because i was still thinking this was just coincidence, i never tought n.e.w. would REALLY be the responsable for the improvement of the negative emotions handling, and to be so strong to the point of being able to afffect that, because never before i had any indication that n.e.w. ever did any benefict to me when i did it a few years ago, because at the time i only measured it's level of effectiveness by seeing if there was improvement on psychic habilites or perceptions training, but now recently this was the first time i starting doing n.e.w. after i got to that job, so this time i was able to finally notice any major improvements by using n.e.w. and now i discover that these effects are ONLY temporary, that is i have to keep doing them on a daily basis... So i decided a week later, starting to do again n.e.w., the same way i used to do before, and AGAIN by the 2nd or 3rd day the peace of spirit gradually came back and starting getting much less intense negative emotions in 2-3 days just like the last time, almost everything improved the same way, i start having the same results again, it's amazing, it's no doubt now this is NOT coincidence it's really n.e.w. that it's doing this since i AM able to reproduce these results!
Altough i noticed that there IS still problems pending, since i can't still completly avoid getting strong negative emotions completly, so maybe i have to get real SERIOUS on n.e.w. and start doing the full work more often, or maybe tweak the current exercice, because as i said before, having therapy with professional help is absolutly impossible without losing my current job.
The goal of this post is mostly to know if anyone else had this kind of n.e.w. beneficts or if this is a isolated case? And also what you more experienced guys in energy work think of that n.e.w. routine, could it be done more effeciently? Is it too "heavy", since i am working at main chakras as well ?
Besides i would even like to advice this method to other people suffering from the same kind of abuse i am and that have absolutly no way of getting way of the agressor, altough of course first i need advice, since maybe this won't work the same way on other people and probably the method can still be tweaked. Also i already thought about skipping certain parts of the body in the energy work to see in which ones the phobias get strong again and the peace goes away, probably it is on a main chakra i don't know, but it would be GREAT to be able to pinpoint exactly which body part the energy work is making these strong emotions being weakened and the peace of spirit/relaxing appearing, but probably this is only because i work in all those areas as a whole...
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But yeah, N.E.W. is pretty great and I use it myself.
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