Greetings!

At this point I'm just a few steps from chopping someone's head off (could be my own).

Well, I'm not really sure where to start off, cause I don't really like openning myself to others, especially when content of this topic is quite private and touches deeply down to my own soul.

I guess ♥♥♥♥ would be a good word. Anyway my wrecked life almost pushed me out to the point of no return, like i couldn't care less about my own existance, happiness and overall good of the world. For most of my life I tried to pursuit the great concept of the "Chosen One", at least in any matter i could. I tried to realise my passions, increase my knowledge, do the things I wanted and most of those "dreams" came truth. I seemed to be fairly happy along with all the bad experiences which after longer time I understood and forgave others for the amount of pain they drawn upon to my life. I also took care of my personal karma and even not concerning my own expectations tried to help others as much as I could.

Now I reached some kind of momentum where I really struggle to fullfill my own needs and desires and I feel somehow betrayed by those forces I placed so much faith in. I can regcognize current ego as more demanding creature who's all the good values were left somewhere along the way - could be because of throwing my whole ego away and being just an observer. Still, knowing all of that can't ease some strange emptiness and knowing that i can't share my happiness with loved ones.

I've became very, very numb. Last night I had first astral out of body experience, but that only could made me glad for a about 10-15 minutes and after which i felt agony again of this so slow and boring progress through even longer days. Smoking pot ain't giving much fun no more, socializing became more boring than ever, sports are not bringing me such good adrenaline based feelings and it's all spiced with my wolf-like lonliness that I bear for more than 2 years now.

I have no damn idea where to start fixing it. I tried hard working Kazzera, than Kundalini and many other kinds of meditations to clear out charkas and all that stuff for over a year now, but that ain't helping (or at least not yet) - just lights up my mood for a short while, but than i fall in despair once again.

Still from my own personal view I think it all depends on the most powerfull of all forces - love - as this is the factor that been pulling me down mostly last months. So here how the story goes:

Three years ago, I had a good time when I merged with flow of life and actually had loads of fun from it. However after some time I met an angel during my studies class and we were hanging out together for a while - she had a bf - but i still totally felt for her. Than as it was my first love I couldn't really handle knowing that she spends nights with another one, so I run away to the other side of the globe - Australia. Well that journey was in my head from high school and it was meant for us both to go, but as I felt weakness and need to rush I went alone to see the world. At first I tried to throw that feeling away and search for a diffrent love, but as the days moved past I felt much more and much more for her as I couldn't see such perfect being anywhere else. I had few very psychodelic travels along the way like I met God's messenger in white robes, but in the end whoever I asked they weren't really able to help me - or their advises didn't worked out. During my meditation in certain moment I felt an urge need to meet with her, (she was free for a while) so i rushed up and ended in Russian prison. When I came back to my homeland she was with him again and I could't do anything really. So i failed again and then she just - quote "I won't be with someone like you anyway." As I would believe in those words anyway. Still I became a broken drunk for a while with even more broken heart after everything I've tried to do for her and I felt the betrayal feeling for the first time (probably cause by love/freedom lost). From that point I pushed myself a lot higher - worked up, studied, meditated, played instruments etc. - but that wasn't a happy time for me. It all became like a fight for one goal for which I thrown all the others away. I mean - having familly with her and loving truly her -but as the time moved on I became so obssesed about it that in current state I'm close to kill him with cold blood and probably if I couldn't convince her with my new evil self - as the good guys never get any loot share - maybe even make her to carry my own children as any dominant alpha male would do in nature.

Do you think that's a good idea ?

Anyway "evil" became so much "better" with realisation that it's a dream. I tried asking every kind of spirit and preyed for the answers but never had any luck on that one. Oh! And yes! I'm pretty desperate. But the more good I become the less I recive and likewise. Why does it happen in my life? Does it mean to satisfy myself I have to play the bad parts? If i like to live an action life on the edge of the knife should i stop myself because of some buddism after-life? If I could achive it maybe another life-spawn? What about girl I love? Isn't it a damn game? Like the one from the book? How am I able to believe in any of good values if when I follow them i get hell loads of pain and suffering? Does it mean i still have to pay for karma from another life? Any kinds of ideas?