Hello All,
Admittedly, I've been very absent, so I can't say that I even have much familiarity with everyone that comes around Astral Dynamics now. Several names here are still familiar, I haven't been gone that long, but probably long enough so that some of you reading this may have zero idea who I am. And who I am isn't at all important.
I came to say goodbye nonetheless. The long "search" for "enlightenment" ended today. It's over. Not that I went anywhere at all, other than away entirely. I didn't give up, there was just the last fatal seeing. The man I thought I was, was in fact a fiction. Funny, after years of meditation and reading about Awakening and practicing everything under the sun, there was only a madness about my head, a constant rustling and turning over in frustration at coming up with fumes rather than freedom. Awareness dodged me often. Just this churning ache to get free. Well...
This morning as I drove to my girlfriend's house the conflict reached it's peak and with one wide sweep of intent and urgency I planted my resolve to wake up. Wake up and do so without apology or thought for any other thing. I felt like a bomb going off from it all. Now or never. Now or never. Now. Now.
At around 2:00 today I was there again, in the struggle, trying to figure out how "I" was an illusion as The Buddha and pretty much every Advaita-thinking human insists or insisted on. How was it that I could will my hand to move if I didn't exist? How could I will thoughts forward in the mind if I wasn't willing them? No need to argue with the experience, things move, thoughts come, but there "I" was all the time. Everything to that point was restless struggle with mere intellectual knowledge.
Then came the snap.
The realization. "I" was doing everything all along, only, "I" wasn't Andy. Almost like possession with no entity possessing the body. The true mover is moving and here this mover saw nothing of Andy in this shell, only itself. Those "I" impulses were always the One, but with a mind like we humans possess, the impulses, thoughts, feelings, all got hijacked and turned inward, creating something it could comprehend and protect while blocking out the real source of thought, will and intent. But I won't bash the ego, that was all part of the plan it seems. Nothing has ever been out of place for one second.
I never had time to say goodbye to that man. There was no such thing. As I write, I feel rather stunned. This isn't the liberation Andy went out for years ago, but it's truth. There is one thing. Period. There is only One thing. Look in the mirror and see yourself. Look in your dogs eyes and see yourself. Pick any set of eyes and you're what's looking back.
In our dreams, mind creates an environment, a hologram of sorts and our dream self moves around there. Upon waking, the dream ends. In this case, one level up, while awake, when the dream ends it's the dreamer that's vanished and what was previously perceived as real is shown for what it is. Vanished is poor word for what was never there to start with. It's all negation. You ask, "Is it this?" to find that it's not "that", but something is forming in the white space between all the things you wonder about.
And as I write, whatever IS, is sitting amongst the ruins of what it had only been pretending to be all along. The jig is up. Game over. Thoughts of how to navigate this all are very present because there is no more reason for any search. There was nothing here without a point in being here before this. What now? There is no what. The last analogy that comes to mind is that of a stage.
"I" was on it all my life, playing the role of this Andy fellow, and suddenly he remembered it was all for fun, just fiction and his real persona recovered or is recovering from that long amnesia. Done acting the role, there's only this. The story is still writing itself, still there is movement and experience, but like a sock puppet or wind through an instrument. I figure that the neural channels in this brain are still so wired around the experience of what was that it will take time to settle with what is now, but It's all so very odd.
Before I sign off, I want to say this to anyone that's reading with interest. If you want to know what IS, you are slotted for it. It's in the mail. Be careful it's what you want--with truth, that is. I sought relief from suffering and never found it. When that longing was discarded for truth regardless of consequence--collapse followed rapidly.
Meditation is nice. Teaching's are nice but almost entirely churned out to make us energized and triumphant or better or more knowledgeable or fitter or happier or more realized, but that world is nonsense. Notice, there is no semi-apologetic tone here any longer. No more "IMHO", thank God. I'm not concerned about anyone's take on this because, as Nisargadatta Maharaj so aptly put it when asked why he didn't feel compelled to help others he said, "There are no others". You are me. I am you. One thing.
Just this knowing this.
I wish you all the best, please feel free to email or post here if you have any comments or questions. Just realize I'm holding no special position. It's your position too, whatever it is, and when I say "your" position, I mean it's really mine.
Andy
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Originally Posted by CFTraveler
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