i am a mental health therapist (bbs registered mft intern). i started a new job where i have to practice psychotherapy with Chinese clients. Chinese is my first language but I lack proficiency in it as I was born and raised in California and can use English much better than Chinese. I hate it..I struggle with it. i never even intended to take on this job. In fact, I never had interest in applying for it but only did so because it was referred to me. I declined their job offer initially. They called back and I told them why I declined. They talked me out of it and I negotiated with them for a higher salary. I got what I wanted in terms of salary, but I dread going to work. I feel so out of place. I feel so handicapped. I hate the way that I have to operate within the confinement of the Department of Mental Health. I hate the system. I feel like the way psychotherapy is being practiced in these government funded programs are deviating from traditional counseling and are largely based on symptoms management rather than working on the roots of the problems.
I feel low in confidence. I know I should be grateful for even having a paying position to do what I do. Many of my friends who graduated the same time as I are working for free or getting paid minimally. I am feeling overly emotional about this. I feel knots and pressure on my solar plexus chakra. I feel like my kundalini energy is amplifying these feelings. I feel limited. I feel like I must go through these experience in order to grow a thicker skin. I have worked really hard to get my degree. I have reached a point where I feel like I don't want to continue to push myself this hard anymore. I am apathetic. I used to be so good at staying on top of things. I used to be very anxiety driven and that has brought me much achievement. I don't want to operate like this anymore but I feel like I have to resort back to operating this way in order not to drown. I know I am merely perpetuating these negative feelings by being fixated on my negative attitudes and complaining. but i also have to be realistic and acknowledge that i don't like it at all....I hope I can get through this. I ask my higher self and spiritual guides and I pray and pray and pray. I don't know what else to do. I know I have to stop fighting my resistance and to just let them be and continue to strive. I don't like where I'm at right now.
On top of that, there's this girl I'm in love with. I don't want to acknowledge that it's probably more of an infatuation or an obsession. She doesn't seem to want anything to do with me anymore and I want to respect that. I feel like I've ruined our friendship. I really genuinely feel like I love her but my personality/ego is obsessed with her. I don't wish to possess her, I only wish the best for her whether it is with me or not. I want her to be free. I feel like Kundalini has amplified things and distorted my judgment that led me to carrying things out impulsively and now our friendship just isn't the way it used to be. I find it hard to accept that. I find it hard to accept that I can't reverse the damage I've done. I am in conflict with myself....
there's a lot more i can say but that's all for now...
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