this day is an emotional one. my beloved little sweet left this year and now the year is ending. the worst year of my life is ending and she won't be in the new year with me. i had hoped last week before all the crazy fights to see D tonight to distract from the pain and the hope of something good but haven't heard from him since he sent me those sexual messages and it's now nye. he may go on a date or kiss someone for all i know and i can't even get mad about it.i know it's his day off and he he hasn't accepted my fb friend request and it's been almost two full days since i sent it. he hasn't made any public updates though either,or added new friends since i sent i which is slightly better.
-to cry it out. release is good and today will be a day for that.
-to be ok with not having plans. B i think wanted to see me tonight and was trying to hint at it,but i'd rather just journal and have a nice meal and reflect on things.
-i seen something significant yesterday. D posted on twitter right after i explained myself about things the other day when he responded and i had that opening and right before he sent me the sexual texts,he posted:"respect.love.patience.understanding." not to be assuming too much,but it seems like it was directed at me,saying he is trying to be that way,especially with the timing he posted it,right at around midnight after i explained how i was wrong about things and before he seemed to try and make some kind of peace with me and i had mentioned the other day i seen in my twitter feed and he's said before he is patient as a quality to me when i said i go best with patient people so i think his post may have been a good sign. when i first seen it,i took it as him saying he has deep feelings and is trying to be mature and understanding. because his sexual texts after he posted that were about in a way like he was going to "punish" me for being bad and telling me how sexy i am. i do think he must still be uncertain though,so i guess i really hurt him,which has surprised me with how detached i thought he was this whole time but clearly i affected him with how he is being now.i appreciate he did have feelings and clearly did like me.
-i appreciate talking to B everyday since we met. it's been helpful with all this D stuff going on.
-B tagging me in pics from the party and using the pics isent him
-business partner sending me a ton of work to approve. so glad. she's been behind on things and wanted to catch up. with how addicted to work i am,this is great for me
-my desire to cleanse and renew
-newness on the horizon
-that i can blog tomorrow again for the month of january
-heat
-sleep
-how great my backside looks from working out
-knowing and meeting cool and attractive people
-that i'm still feeling forward moving
-the experiences i go through in life
-feelings and emotions
-my hair
-feeling determined to be positive today and doing so somewhat
-ideas
-things coming together
-the feeling of something brewing and culmination
-yoga pants
-my hair
-music
-water
-mason jars
-coffee
-physical exercise
-the changes i will be making and transformation coming
-patience
-being a woman
-pictures
-memories,like memories with D. it's hard also he was one thing this year that came into my life i enjoyed and now i'm ending the year like this with him. it's sad,but story of my life.
-my desire to make everyone feel more special
-photo app filters
-learning
-learning as a grown up,you don't need to see someone much at all to pick up where you left off from and get along and you can see someone once then a year or few years later and get on well.i actually enjoy this.
-being an artist and even my artist side and desires of someone to talk about lighting with