I wish the time would slow down. how has this much time passed? A month now since J and I were on good terms with each other, I heard from M and life felt somewhat sane
-drinking water
-listening to chakra music and chakra balancing
-my angel friend sending me money so I can do laundry
-going to the laundromat and checking off very slowly the things i have to do post before court chaos
-taking 2 Adderall instead of one and feeling much more upbeat and productive. I think that's the magic number for me I guess. 20 mg.
-walking more
-organizing a plan for my ferals cats post whatever is going on with M and M that should have been in place several years ago anyways for the cats
-walking past the airport and closer to their house where the cats are to build up my confidence to go and build up endurance for daily life changes
-doing my food card redetermination
-checking my utility assistance update and uploading what they said to
-sweet, beautiful, pleasant memories. So many wonderful things i've done, moments i've had
-my love for my cats
-getting my lower body more toned and noticing results
-aloe vera gel working well for my skin and making it have more of a glow
-being able to plug in a humidifier in the bathroom, which is like the cart's bedroom since they go there a lot so that room get some more humidity. I feel the room is less dry since doing it.
-I had this strange, but beautiful experience.I was suddenly thinking of the night with me and J that hurt me a lot, and had another idea come in my mind that made the incident way less bad and n what I thought. Things connected from him before to that night and it just seemed to click and I felt J around the same time that night on and off maybe the night before too these loving feelings towards him. Well, during this thought process of J my mood suddenly lifted which makes sense, but my mind felt shifted, almost like it was under control. Like, as I was pondering if what if that wasn't the case if what happened that night, I just felt so great and neutral about that night suddenly. Like I was healed. So, I literally had a shift in my thinking come to me to change how I felt about that night, a mood change that stuck even as a little time passed and I wondered if that wasn't the case, and had been having loving feels towards J. The way my mind felt with that shift started to feel familiar, someone I was close to used to put energy on me. This felt like that. At first I just felt like I felt his energy and he wanted me to feel better about that night and forgive him like he was doing some intention manifesting on me.i just knew he was suddenly. I actually thought this was really sweet. He's manifesting me. It's one of the reasons I love him, he's literally manifesting me.
I never had someone do that before. I'm also surprised as heck he knows anything about mentalism or intention manifesting. But I was getting hints and didn't know it. I'd feel an overwhelming sexual energy come over me often. I thought I was just tapped into how he feels about me. Things constantly would go wrong with another guy so quickly after I met him even before I liked him and I suddenly couldn't get out of this apartment. Everything got elongated and went wrong as if to keep me here. I thought this was the universe's doing. It made so much sense. I couldn't tell if he wanted me to still be here or would prefer me to move but something nudged me he didn't want me to go. I remember him asking when does the grant happen when I was waiting on the grant when I thought my plans were going to be one thing and he doesn't usually ask me many questions, especially in text.I felt like he was maybe nervous but wasn't sure. Occasionally, I'd have thoughts he was a devil worshipper or something of the sort, like that he was into something of the dark arts. But that felt crazy so I dismissed it.The connection I had with him was so intense in ways. I'd hear thunder after thinking about him, once had my nose bleed during thinking about him(that made me wonder if it was a bad sign), I'd feel him on me in so many ways down to how he lurked my social media and timing of texting me.His cat's name is Juju. He has a hades tattoo on his arm. He has a friend who considers herself a witch and he followed a lot of girls who seemed like they were into witchcraft type stuff, alternative goth type girls. Why wouldn't he at least be open to doing intention work? I assumed he was probably accepting of those things because of that but never thought he might do it himself. He was definitely manifesting me the other night I had been posting about that night a lot how upset I was before he stopped speaking to me, and again the night before I let him manifesting me and that perception shift. I had thoughts when I started liking more law of attraction type stuff that he might see it and try intention manifesting. Normally, I'd think if a guy seen that he might think it's kind of weird i'm into that stuff or it's silly or they'd be one of those super powerful, ambitious types that I already could tell believes in thoughts creating reality but he is not like that and my initial thoughts were him getting inspired by it. and now I felt him manifesting me. It's made me think a lot differently of our connection. I don't know fully what to think. I'm flattered and it makes my feelings for him stronger. It was a love energy I felt that other night. Like he wanted me to think differently of that night and feel better.I can't imagine how he did what he did or what he did exactly in his thoughts since I never even thought he'd be into that stuff or believe in it, but he did something even if it was just asking his friend to cast some spell on me. The exact shift, how it made me perceive the night differently makes me wonder what wording or thoughts he had. I've felt loving, protected feelings from him. I used to feel safer walking after i met him and after we reconnected and pondered why before but let it go thinking it was his association in the neighborhood and then just my imagination but all this leads me to believe is he definitely was manifesting me the other night and maybe was manifesting me before. Maybe he does certain rituals to make me protected as well. He always did have a strange, eclectic energy. He always in some ways seemed like he knew more than he let on about me. And, it started more and more to become clear he really analyzes and plots towards me. He tests me.We could be really in sync with each other. It makes me think of the connection in a deeper way.It also explains why he got so upset about me going on a date despite him having no right. He's literally not wanting that in his reality and it happening upset him.I don't know what to think. I just know he was manifesting me the other night.
-doing squats to get more toned
-the smell of the grass and bushes after it rains
-the breeze in the air I felt tonight
-nightskies
-nami crisis hot line
-makeup
-getting my recap sent in tonight
-pulling off doing my job the other night, my first one also since Feb. It had a lot of challenges. I was very scared. I had to walk and navigate myself to the train over 8 blocks away and take my table with me on the train. All of this was huge for me. I was frustrated at the situation I was in. That I didn't have the emotional support in case of an emergency. But, wow I felt so accomplished doing it. It felt spiritual. Like as I navigated, each block closer was putting a piece of the puzzle together to get home. it felt like a game.I did it on only have small amount of train fare on me as well.I felt frustrated on the train thinking about the situation i've been in, angry but when I got home I felt in such a good mood. I literally put music on and was dancing a little. I did that. I felt great. People supposed to care for me treating me cruelly and making me feel abandoned and I did that on my own, no training wheels or safety net. A full day of working to and from. It felt amazing.
-getting creative to get things I want and pulling it off
-being a good mother to my cats
-my ex J, the one who's older than me contacting me. At first I was annoyed because I was like wrong ex. But, now I feel like maybe he can benefit me in some way. I can't take him seriously but everytime he's been in my life I do get a little bit of material things I need taken care of. So, maybe the universe sent him to help
-some fashionable items I have that I can "refurbish" by bringing them out to wear now and freshen up my wardrobe. Items I haven't worn in a long time so they'll feel kind of new
-my burberry sunglasses
-booking work for may
-new clients
-jack daniels and coke in a can cocktails. They taste so good
-food that tastes good and nourishing me
-my red light wand
-having another interview after I go to bed and wake up again
-being off topamax. I don't like how it made me feel getting off it in some ways because my life crashed at the same time and I have this thing where I associate meds with what happened in my life when starting them so I love Ativan because I remember suddenly feeling quiet and calm in my mind the first time I took it and it felt so blissful. I just felt like all will be well. and my cat who was missing returned that night. Wellbutrin when I started it I suddenly lost some of the weight I had gained and felt much more upbeat and productive and clear minded and almost kind of happy. Things turned for a positive direction in my life at the same time I started Wellbutrin.I've been nervous about weight gain being off of it but i've been on it long enough and i've gotten rid of all things that could have caused weight gain. I'm still on Wellbutrin which helps with weight loss. I'm going to be moving more and exercising more and have been and needed to adapt to that. And, I have Adderall now which also causes weight loss so it'll work out even if initially there was slight weight gain.
-having a baby face
-my dimples
-positive law of attraction stuff i've been following lately
-sleep. it's been feeling really good lately
-being smart and having an intellectual mind
-being considered beautiful
-having a nice body, it is improving and i'm starting to like the way it looks almost again
-having nice curves
-journaling and reflection, writing things down
-sitting outside and meditating
-patience
-counting my wins
-my older friend J who has been there for me still throughout all of this
-my dad still being there
-photo editing apps
-my accomplishments and beautiful photos of myself
-music
-deciding to stop with all the psychic online YouTube readings, I was giving it too much attention and it wasn't good for me
-my pink sculptural table
-doing affirmations
-baby wipes
-cleaning wipes
-newness
-staying firm on my desires
-listening to positive audios like from Louise hay the other night while walking
-others seeming to find me attractive
-my strength, resilience and determination
-my hair looking better now that I darkened a little bit but I do want to go back to blonde soon.
-the cool stories i've experienced in my life time
-being an interesting person
-my silver rain boots
-my sense of style
-changing things up a little with various life things based on where i'm at now in life
-doing a style/clothing update list of where I want my style to go, and items I need for my wardrobe
-that I can put my winter coat away since spring is here and has been for a bit now
-continuing to work on myself, and loving myself
-my child like side
-my wisdom
-my femininity
-showering and being clean
-compassion for self
-my blue water glitter ring
-four leaf clovers
-being unique
-being able to think for myself
-looking for the good even in the bad
-holding onto faith
-having a good heart
-my beauty
-my ability to do things others can not
-learning
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