-manifesting another J experience since him being out of my reality which is weird. I feel the disconnection of energy, mostly. Occasionally i feel his energy but it's not like before but it is intense sometimes. I never had this kind of intense energy exchange with someone. First he was in front of his place in the morning when i was being dropped off last week and just in a way where it was almost surreal. I never really see him outside so it was a strange occurence to have done so. It wasn't nothing. I'm not sure he seen me. Well, today another weird thing happened. I seen a strange man looking for someone in his place him or someone else. The person walked in the back of the units like he was unsure then walked on his steps was there for a few minutes then walked to the side of his building a little. He looked insistent to find him or whoever and maybe concerned or something. It worried me.It seemed so red flag like it was confirming to me more that he does some shady stuff like drug dealing or some other crimes. I was worried about him. It's so insane how all those red flags about him, just attracting someone like him in my life. And then pondering what if something really odd is going on how does it make me feel about me and him as a possibility? Like could he only ever be this interesting almost dream like character that moves in my little in subtle ways that are impaceful and never being able to be deeper or serious? Almost like he's a figment of my imagination? It's weird and that's the way i felt after the first two times we hung out as well. Like he was this surreal character like was he even real or just a dream in a sense? So, i'm grateful i guess for caring about him. I texted him about it, because if it was me i'd want to be told.Maybe all this is some kind of the truth is going to be revealed to me soon thing. I never seen any activity by his place before nor him now some strange guy looking for him seemingly? I prayed for him and affirmed positive things after the situaton. This made me fee further from him despite it causing me to text him and me feeling that genuine worry for him.
-my beauty
-compliments
-organizing what i have to do to feel less overwhelmed by it all, and formatting the how's of some stuff
-my cute four leaf clovers notebook
-surrendering to ex J wanting in my life again thinking maybe it's a vessel for how i will get the help i need to be steady and stuff.
-ex J and I doing ok so far with each other and vibing relatively calmly so far. It's some ease which is nice. He's being nice and helpful, I'm talking to him and being open and it's been ok.
-ordering pizza the 2 nights in a row the other day. It was so good.
-J ordering us morrocan food last night. Trying a morrocan cookie. It was fun having good food and new experiences.
-J being good at picking out food for me when i don't know what to order or what i'd like
-doing a few pieces of laundry last night at J's place
-J being nurse like and letting him see my rash and him putting lidocaine patches on me
-acyclovir antiviral for healing my condition i'm dealing with right and making some improvement on how the rash looks and feels
-talking to J and him agreeing to give me money to hold my pawn shop items that is due in a day or so. Him venmo-ing me the money today for it
-having big beautiful eyes and a great eye color. Having eyes that make me look young and doll like
-my sense of style and my cute outfit i wore today the oat colored top and trousers with my silver rain boots and bomber jacket.
-my marc jacobs bag
-my silver rain boots
-reassurances from life
-prayer and affirming
-staying strong
-forgiveness
-music
-how good the sun felt on my skin today. It was so relaxing.
-having nice lips
-being told i have nice eyebrows recently
-getting complimented on a certain sexual thing of me that felt affirming. I joked can i save that text as a testimonial
-being told by someone i was their first crush in the city i'm in when they moved here
-ordering a gray cover up spray, finally because it's getting ridiculous and making me so insecure. I can look relatively young but then that's going to make it not seem like that even if people in their 20's have that happen
-getting a lot of style and fashion inspiration the other day for where i want to go with my style aesthetic and upgrading my wardrobe
-the humidifier in the bathroom making the air better
-red light therapy really doing wonders for my skin
-positive affirmations
-having nice weather lately
-taking things one day at a time to rebuild, and build. It's hard but it's making me a little more present
-predisone making me feel really nice and a happy boost a few times the last week and for helping my pain and inflamation
-having ravioli for dinner and that it only cost 3 something for a bag
-how good prego sauce is
-laughing and humor and funny things
-doing some yoga and a good heart chakra pose and how good that felt
-working on my solar plexus chakra
-being able to provide for my cats and take care of them and get them cat treats today to help with the food anxiety issues and just because. It sounds silly or like a little thing but i was thinking about how i've been taking care of them on my own. My first adult cats that are house cats, completely my responsibility, no one helping. I've had childhood cats, feral cats but these are my first on my own cats and i think i'm doing pretty good and that makes me feel good
-makeup
-my femininity
-my child like side
-showering
-cleaning wipes
-baby wipes
-cleaning some of the floor by the mirror yesterday. There was so much dirt that had gotten over there. i'm glad i took care of it
-sleep
-cuddling with my cats
-seeing my cats cuddling with each other and them being by me and how cute it is, and how much of a family we are
-the love in my heart and my determination to reach something i need to that feels tricky and has made me feel frozen in a lot of ways the trauma of it, but the love in my heart i'm determined and praying and affirming
-manifesting almost $400. I called about a rewards card from my insurance seeing how i could get it to work knowing i'd need a new one that mine was an old one and invalid and expecting to maybe get $25 on it or something that is able to be used at walgreens. Well, actually i have a balance of almost $400 somehow and she said she would send me a new card since the one that had been sent out didn't come to the address i get most of my mail at. And it can be used mostly anywhere on most things not just walgreens. This was super cool
-manifesting a last minute job for this week that pays well and will really help me out
-blankets
-doing a burning sage then breaks all incense ritual where i did my kali mantra then after some mirror affirmations
-having standards
-being in touch with my feelings
-walking
-my step tracker app
-doing creative writing and how helpful that is
-working on my correcting my charge
-getting comfortable with wearing slightly less clothing/layers as my body has trimmed down and it's time to accept myself more and go with it as i work more and more on getting where i want to be
-opening a new bank account
-drinking more water
-my pink sculptural table
-new experiences
-trying to have compassion for myself
-the medications i take to help me do life
-the awesome, fun, great experiences i've had in life
-entertainment
-sitting on the porch and walking with ex J. Through the cool alleys in his neighborhood to get our food and stuff was fun.
-my laptop
-having a phone
-flowers and seeing them blooming outside
-my watermelon aha bha acid toner
-my skin being less dry and healing from that
-doing my follow up doctor appointment today
-my blue glitter water ring
-learning
-being smart
-being resourceful
-reflection
-having self awareness
-positive audios i listen to while walking
-getting a lint brush finally today
-art
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