GRATITUDE LIST

[buttercup]

-coffee
-water
-mason jars
-being a kind person
-my newfound passion for fitness and how 2014 became the year i got really into it and love how happy and puts a pep in people's step when they lose the little bit of weight they've been wanting or come closer to their ideal bodies.
-the wonderful box of muffins brought to me.i feel so spoiled
-all being back to normal with me and B and seeming to go well and us being closer
-getting good sleep.i feel renewed and look better,too
-the sun
-beautiful stories
-emotions and feelings
-upbeat music
-getting thinner and how sexy my stomach feels
-the time i will have to catch up on meditation and affirmations tonight
-contacting a former good friend and how good it felt to hear from her
-all of B's wonderful qualities and how he made me laugh with his text today after i said i love when people send me thank you messages and then he said thank you "my name" for texting me. cracked me up.
-dating
-getting things cleaned up and organized and feeling cleared up about a lot of things
-quiet time to reflect and just be
-the sun
-my desire to express
-beauty
-being feminine and child-like
-feeling sexy
-how relaxed i feel today
-colors
-brightness
-sweaters
-the things going for me in life right now and where i'm at and get to experience
-feeling well and healthy
-lip balms,body oils,and other beauty products
-unfollowing D on twitter,he never followed me back and i have no desire for him to be followed on twitter anyways by me
-allowing change
-project 21 starting off wonderfully
-beautiful models
-having great taste and being innovative
-learning
-thank you messages from people
-beautiful symbolisms
-new ideas
-the industries iwork in
-embracing the quiet feeling i feel today
-the ability to see
-eyeglasses
-smiling
-appreciation
-feeling and being positive minded
-working on myself and bettering myself
-loving myself

[buttercup]

oh man,what has happened. B and I haven't spoken today for the first time. he replied to my text saying i'm home and sleep well this morning just saying you,too and that it's not a peep all day and i felt a rift in energy as soon i awoke. all that i've given him and not a single how is your day going text...today has not been well. between the blizzard and not hearing from B all day after last night and the anxiety attack i had,on top of something happening to induce more anxiety in me,this hasn't been a well day at all. he also had a new bimbo facebook girl in his list today,too this morning.
-seeing B last night.it started with me feeling on and off emotional that day and the night before and i seen a dead baby bird in my path which i took as a good omen to mean end of negativity and new beginnings. part of me felt like I didn't want to see B because i felt so frustrated and distrusting and scared.but,i did. early on,we had an argument. i seen a pic in his texts and asked to see it multiple times before he showed me and it was a pic of him,his friend,and two girls. he was more in the back and not super next to the girl but still what is that? and,he doesn't even tell me about it,i see it in the phone and have to ask 5 times what is it and it's pretty suspicious his friend is texting him that. now,writing,this i feel even more upset about it,as i normalized it last night.it just seems like it is starting to be one thing after another. we ended up talking a lot and because i was mad,i brought up the label thing and he said he would do it right now and i said not right now,then he said playfully oh,not right now and we went for coffee and discussed the label and how and when we would do it with several options of now,in two weeks,or within the week and settled on next time we see each other and with him next to me. he explained he didn't see a difference between seeing me and a label and i explained the difference to me. we then walked around the city and talked more about deeper things for the first time like family and stuff and just a lot of deeper things in general of understanding each other. it was kind of nice. we got back to his place and right away he iniated sex. it was kind of quick and though kinda wasnt super in the mood but figured may as well. and, he couldn't perform. he couldn't get it up. he kept saying weird,awkward nervous things and just didn't know how to have sex. it was so awkward. i took it personal and kept saying will we be able to work this out and how can we move forward if we can't have sex and he'd say i hope so which i kept taking to mean it was my fault and he didn't know. it wasn't until hindsight,i realized he meant he hopes we'd be able to work it out because of his issues and he hoped i wouldn't leave him.i began asking questions to figure it out,and found out he's only had sex 3 times. the 3 people was one time each and he was under the influence of alcohol each time and we were both sober right now. we both wondered if last week we should've had sex since we both were buzzed and really into the mood with each other. not only that,but the last person he had sex with was someone he dated and they only had sex once and that was the last time they seen each other...which is not a good track record for him clearly. so,he's only had kisses and one time sex and one time dates and dating someone for a month-ish as his history basically. there could be no way he was faking this because he was extremely embarrassed by this and emphasized repeatedly he's never told anyone this and no one know this much about him to which i joked it gave us an obligatory closeness. i even tried to go down on him,which started to make him bigger after a little bit,which was hopeful and he was moaning and into it and i gave him a tip of how to guide me which he responded he hasn't these very often,to which i took to me,he may never had one before. quite odd,and kind of creepy.he admitted he's a different person when he's drunk and more confident and social ,which i seen myself from him. he has said none of his friends get much action. so,apparently they're all a bunch of nerds.i suggested maybe we could work up to sex and just do other things the next times we see each other like foreplay stuff and he seemed very into that idea and his face brightened up at that. he did seem like he wanted me to leave quickly and to go to sleep but i didn't leave right away. we held each other a little and kissed a little and i started to ponder did i even want him anymore. he had made cheap comments that evening saying starbucks was expensive,the cab was expensive and going to restaurants was expensive which irritated me.he couldn't perform sexually and was a big let down and on top of that wasn't seeming very trustworthy anymore.was i just becoming too desperate after all i've been through with guys? so,i knew i should leave soon and sat up and out loud starting listing some of the pros of moving forward with this and asked him what he likes about me and the pros. he said i'm attractive to which i said a lot of girls are. he then said i'm honest to which i said you actually like that(i'm blunt and random)then he said what he's shared with me/things he told me tonight(the uncomfortable things,which showed me something that he thinks after all that he feels closer now),and then out of nowwhere he had this habit of bringing up little things out of nowwhere that are perfect. i had made a joke half hour earlier about our mutual friend and him being impressed by that friend and me saying i don't see why and that i like that he doesn't find what i do impressive because a lot of guys do end up being user-y and i said he finds our friend more impressive then me or something like that and joked i'd tell our friend that he finds him impressive and well,when we talked about what we like about each other he out of nowwhere said shyly and humbly that he has told his friends what i do for a living when we first started talkign and that they said wow and got impressed and that he thought that was cool what i do for a living and he liked that.i also reflected about how things aren't perfect and was in a thinking out loud moment about how not all guys will be like J,all perfect and everything intense but that also tends to be short lived and so i said not everything has to be perfect to which he replied with perfect timing as if on the same page as me "nothing in life is." idk why but i like that and told him so and that it was perfect timing he said that. it seemed we agreed to still move forward. he even said when we talked at the end why he'd like the label too kind of joking about something and saying he'd like to see me more often when i said i was ok if we didn't but if he wanted to i would. our moods weren't lovey dovey by the time i left. but it felt like we were closer and as i left i almost walked off without kissing him,then turned around and he looked kind of stalled too like he was remembering that he kisses me before i leave. his face was that of a shy child's unsure what to do. so many things revealed. and,after seeing all that,there's no way he gets many girls or action so that made me feel like even more he should appreciate me i really have a lot of power here.i told him i think he can teach me a lot of things,and i can teach him a lot of things.i said a lot of flattering things to him,and was very genergous trying to help him.i did say one bitchy thing saying if i wanted another guy,it'd take me 2 seconds to find another one,and he said assuredly that he knew that. i started wondering about white lies not with his experience but with other things before bed. I felt for sure all was well though and then as i awoke,i felt a rift. Like,are we separated now? It made no sense. And,the timing is the worst. Ever since December 27th,we had never gone a day without speaking all day throughout the day,and now we had. I was so nice,and tried so hard to make it work and did nothin g wrong,so am quite heart broken by his behavior. All i can think is that he is holed up feeling embarrassed about what happened and can't let it go but is he really going to walk away because of that? Someone willing to work with him,and be his girlfriend? With all his lack of experience and trouble getting girls,it'd be so silly to do that. I am so hurt and have no idea what is in his head,just that i awoke feeling a sense of separation. We have so many random little things in common. Little things that are stupid,i seen he had coffee on his mouth earlier,then later on,seen i did,too. Or how he lovely green colors in his apartment and in some clothes he wears,and that's my favorite color or how he hardly ever has people in his apartment,and i'm the same way. Like,random little things. I appreciate that our issues started when mercury retrograde started because that means things aren't what they seem and are likely not truth so therefore all will be well. Just last week,he was so sexy and picking me up and spinning me around in front of his friends and now this week,he couldn't turn me on,and we couldn't have sex and just had a lot of offness that made me wonder do i even want him. No matter what,i want communication and to try and work through this.
-i appreciate that we agreed to the label,and that have a plan for it,and all the good that did happen
-my vibe lifting when i got home today after a anxious day from B not texting
-positive signs about B today
-beautiful photos of me and my perceptions clearing about them and new pics to post on facebook
-pretty things
-embracing the snow and blizzard a little and trying to enjoy it
-inspiration from best friend when he talked about how he visualizes and how his third eye chakra activates from it. and he doesn't even know about chakras,but telling me what it was,is how i determined it.healing energy from best friend
-best friend and business partner thinking B just sounds very inexperienced and embarrassed and that's why he hasn't texted me today because he feels very embarrassed by everything.
-getting to buy new tank tops
-colors
-my beauty
-ideas
-getting groceries
-roommate staying home tonight
-energy best friend sends me and how good he is at it,and how much it inspires me to get better at willing and intention manifesting
-coffee
-trying to stay positive
-my maturity
-smiling
-acknowledging my anxiety attack earlier
-my beauty
-knowing no matter what it'll be ok and to just go with the flow

[buttercup]

-the heat getting fixed today!
-singing affirmations 2-3 times so far to clear out my throat chakra and give a major vibration and manifesting boost and change my mindset. so far,so good and only going to get better
-the likes on my new facebook picture and how beautiful and sexy ifeel in that pic
-the sun shining today
-contacting AD today just because
-coffee
-french toast sticks and how lovely they smelled today
-how beautiful my face looks and also how beautiful i look when i raise my vibration and clear energy such as by singing or quantum healing
-my strange,nerdy sense of humor
-being young
-that B hasn't logged into that dating site so good signs so far
-getting clear on what i want
-new work images
-knowing to turn my vibration around right away and to do it,and knowing it's only going to get more and more higher higher very quickly
-strict focus and blunt discipline to manifest what you want and knowing to not f--- around with overanalyzing or ruminating even by asking questions or venting. no. over. detachment. clear mind and faith and focus on only the desired
-how good it's going to get
-pronoia
-vanilla spice hot tea
-all the opportunities available for me
-healing,wellness,and happiness
-knowing the truth of reality(law of attraction,etc)
-positive energy
-colors
-style
-transmutation
-happiness
-smiling
-deep breath
-affirmations
-all the techniques for loa,but knowing the masters don't use a lot of techniques and that it's not even needed but that just keeping your mind on the thoughts you want is enough and even just 17 seconds a day a few times a day can make miracles. doing a bunch of techniques tends to be for people who never manifest much
-the internet
-great holistic healing articles about chakras and healing
-sleep
-how damn good life is about to get,i already said that up above,but damn i feel it. i just know it. yes!!!!!!!!!!! i feel strongly that today,tomorrow,and heating up more and more by this week's end things are going to be heck yes! a mountain of miracles and positive goodness
-my motivation and pep
-my sexiness
-my best friend
-making others happy
-how i can help others
-vegans who are athletes and other things spreading the message to the mainstream
-my maturity
-all the desires i have manifested and changes i wanted that came about,even if it took awhile.
-doing really well so far with changing my vibration
-nice,clean warm clothes

[buttercup]

-music
-getting an answer from B even if it was hurtful and a lie and he then ignored me after all the messages i sent after and he deleted me from facebook,too by the time i awoke. he is punishing me. it is amazing to me how something going so well could change so suddenly.
-all the people i chatted with today. going out of my way to text people and chat them and them chat and text me helps when things are in limbo or over with someone.i talked to anyone who would listen. it helped me get some perspective on B being so weird.i even chatted with a woman he knows and doesn't like to try and figure him out. everyone has been so nice,and the perspective and honest way based on what they see was helpful.i even talked to my friend E who is B's friend too for perspective. everyone seems to think B is a serious,chill,shyer less experienced guy. it's mind blowing how weird he is to me and apparent he has sex issues and is freaked out by it.
-deciding to post my status on fb about how i feel. it's good to post things sometimes about how you feel,and also it helps people remember you,and sometimes brings people to talk to you.i want to get more and more fearless with that
-my beautiful new profile picture and how goregeous i look in it,and that those pictures grew on me
-how great best friend can be with energy work and reminding him that not telling me what he does makes it stronger
-going tanning today
-laughing at the ridiculous and pain of how B has treated me because that's all you can do sometimes
-how amazing my body looked today
-my sense of style
-my beauty
-snacks. since my appetite is big today.
-coffee
-heater guy coming to fix heat again today
-remembering spiritual principles of manifesting to bring me calm and maturity and i surrender to all that is going on
-people
-baby talk
-the art of detachment
-conversations
-my hair
-my face
-laughing and in wonder at how much has changed since this time last month..it's insane i went from boo-hooing about D to all about B and now tonight talking to D again a somewhat good amount and boo hooing about B,all in the exact one month time frame.i don't want D,but was just bored and texting anyone who would talk back. it's sort of whoa how much can change in a whole month
-knowing for a fact B can't get any other girls so it's really his loss how he is being. And,that woman i talked to even said she heard B brought a date(me)to that one party because a girl told her and it was apparently a big deal for B to do something like that and surprising to everyone. why he would want to lose that is amazing to me.
-that it's mercury retrograde which means B and I ending is unlikely to stick just like me talking to D is not too surprising based on it being merc retrograde.
-empowerment
-being sexy
-vodka
-even talking to my mom today about this b.s from B.
-future possible plans
-things i want to try and do and maybe it'll be nice to take a mini break from B anyways for perspective. my love life is quite strange these days.
-being easy on myself-
-relaxation
-healing modes available to me
-being honest with my feelings
-loving myself
-being honest with my vulnerabilities
-curiosity about other blessings that will come to me now
-amazing men speaking up about things against the porn industry and masculine men who respect women and masculine men who respect animals

[buttercup]

-vanilla muffins
-water
-doing a nice cardio workout
-dishes being done
-the amazing surge of inspiration i felt last night after doing some writing to check in with myself
-my beauty
-how damn sure i feel that B and I aren't done and that he'll be back around
-all the people i talked to yesterday which helped me
-sleep
-all the amazing ideas i have to better myself and make my life happier
-getting D back
-perspective
-inner knowing
-getting a confirmation for a new tearsheet and new business press clipping
-new business getting good feedback that this could really work and only the beginning so far and small efforts put in,so that's good
-sweaters
-comfortable clothing
-acknowledging my feelings
-being a woman
-deciding to start wearing high heels more often for the benefits it will provide
-great articles to read
-all the law of attraction inspiration
-chakra music and other spiritual music and how helpful it was last night
-knowing that when you use the law of detachment,things flow easily and you have many options
-knowing the power of actions and using that as well
-my best friend
-that i have an opportunity to feel more secure and free as i pursue things to better myself and my life
-trying to see the positive side of B and use this this little time to love myself more and have me time. also,realizing B was all about me but the moment i was about him,that's when the dance of energy changed so i see now i really need to harness my energy to be more detached
-spirituality
-desires
-faith
-all the cool things to explore and do and experience
-forgiveness
-the good that will come
-my confidence
-my mind actually being pretty off of B all things considered.he hasn't been on my mind that much today. i had much more trouble with D. going to keep up with this and get him out even more.also,find it funny that i'm talking to D after wanting him back. i think B would be surprised by that as well and how quick that came about,too.

[buttercup]

wow. i've been so down in the dumps i haven't done in my gratitude list in 2-3 days. crazy.
-eyeglasses
-almond milk and it making my bitter coffee taste better
-a clean diet
-vegan food
-tarot cards and using them in proper and not taking it too seriously ways
-embracing my feelings of apathy today. apathy is one of the worst feeling imo,but instead of discarding apathy,maybe,just for a day,it can be ok.i haven't felt apathy in quite some time in fact,it's weird.
-chakra and theta musics to heal. i know for me,chakra music really helps when i'm going through a heartbreak. and in the beginning of january,listening to chakra music in combination with energy friend sent me,and some loving creative music i listened to a lot at the time,i healed super quick and had good luck with love matters. thinking of that music and chakra music reminds me of B,he commented on it a bit back then when i told him about it and encouraging me to listen to it. i fmiss him.
-finding out the picture of us may not be deleted like i thought.i'm not seeing it,but the number of pictures on my fb page is the same as it was,it hasnt gone down. so,this is leading me to believe there's some glitch keeping me from seeing it since he blocked me. also,it makes no sense why he would delete the pic even if he did hate me,it wasnt even a couple picture. that made me feel a little better.
-water
-stretches
-being easy on myself,changing things up,changing plans
-best friend and i chatting about energy on a short drive today and the energy he sent me in jan. after me blaming him a few times this week(i know i'm not right but i just felt something off about this whole month and was upset),we realized energy wise what changed with him sending me energy by me asking him and explaining to him how energy works since he is great at doing it but not as knowledgable about the metaphysics behind it. as it turns out,he did stop sending energy right before my last date with B.he is sending lots of energy right now and has been all week. it may take time for some things but i know all is well.
-the proof of energy sending by seeing it such as when best friend affirmed i'd get really angry and text B to ask him to talk to me and 15 minutes later i did back on monday. he didn't tell me he did this,i just got angry all of a sudden and felt the urge to tell him to at least tell me what's going on. best friend is getting so good at sending energy lately and doing it more often,he is like a pro. it was quite eerie. things like this affirm more for me that this is real and not that hard to do and inspires me. january did feel like a spell.
-the law of attraction and all the wonderful proofs of it such as when my mind has been on releasing attachments and then i seen things constantly bringing it up
-how inspired and willed i am to keep my thoughts focused on exactly the reality i want to create and taking away all thoughts off what i do not want even if i feel a need to "understand." keeping B out of my mind more and more and only having thoughts for the reality i want to create in my mind. faith. using setbacks as a challenge to rise up to be better with mastering the law of attraction
-the spiritual lessons of this B situation coming to me as simply mastering the law of detachment since that's the true nature of reality and mastering the loa since that is the true nature of reality. i fail when i get anxious. it really is so simple sometimes,there is no divine reason for why this happened with B,because B and i aren't done, i feel this with all my heart,this is simple a setback to help me get back on track with being less attached and keeping my thoughts stronger.
-excuses you can use for the positive manifestation to help the logical mind believe in it
-heat
-stylish comfortable clothes
-inspiration from B about neighborhoods i want to move to next
-all the little things i have in common with B that show me he isn't random and so therefore this isn't done
-manifesting D back. simply because i had set the intention to and it is affirming to see intentions manifest
-learning all about online dating because in pain and apathy,i created fake profile to troll on dating site B is on. i've learned so much that affirmed everything i thought about online dating is true and not for me at all. and,i've had conversations about my experience with B to get perspectives from strangers so that was nice
-laughing at my silliness and unique personality
-my positive life coach personality
-tarot advice of being confident,having pride about the B situation which also guided me on how to proceed.be myself,work on myself but don't try too hard to be more awesome then ever and exhaust myself just so B can see. but instead follow my desires and pour my pain into bettering myself. already have several things i'm doing.
-remembering powerful loa advice from an loa forum someone messaged me that was anytime someone says something about something that i believe that ticks me off or annoys me,it's my own inner doubts speaking back to me in the form of that person.i had resisted that concept not understanding it for sooo long until august but now remembering today when someone on a forum was saying things that made no sense that angered me,i calmed down and realized,hey on some level they are speaking to some doubts you must have,even if they're slight otherwise it wouldn't come up so rise up to the challenge to see what's really going on within you so you can clear it. this is so good! a pivotal part of my spiritual learning it was back in august when this clicked for me. the world is a mirror concept. be so thankful! think back to those times you felt so sure of something then sure enough other people seemed doubtful and it annoyed you a little,so sure enough your vibration lowered a little,too,instead use that to empower you every time you see that because it's the universe showing you what to clear up! so damn good and beautiful.
-remembering beautiful unfolding moments of spiritual learning concepts with others involved too and involving serendpity that show you if you observe your self in this reality as a curious person who is experiencing the "amnesia" as you walk back to remembering little by little but still have to keep reminding yourself of it.
-knowing the reason we are here,is to master the playground we play on via the law of attraction and to keep walking back to love. so good! pain happens to teach us to master the loa and remember love and choose love and setbacks happen for polarity and to teach us to master loa . rise to the challenge. get up! see what you did wrong via your thoughts. the universe loves you and is always speaking to you and life is a neverending adventure of play!
-vibration rising in little moments
-instead of being sad for having no date or anything like that for the first time in a bit this weekend,embracing it a little and instead using the time to get organized.i will organize online things this weekend. something i've not done in quite awhile! it'll be healing.
-love songs
-stylish music
-beauty
-creativity
-cool art
-inspiration all around me
-my beauty
-feeling my feelings and sadness,my vulnerability,and my wounds
-my strength
-getting to go to my favorite coffee shop tomorrow
-my goal i'm working on now to master using ride sharing apps so i can use that instead of expensive cabs
-smiling
-laughter
-colors
-knowing anything not at ease in my life,i can change.anything i feel bad about,i can turn around
-knowing anything can happen!
-going for a nice short walk today. embracing the insane amount of snow. this day will never come again. may as well enjoy the moment.
-how great january was.
-thinking today how much has changed since this time last week and how sad it made me feel then quickly turning it around and remembering,but look how much can change by this time next week! it's all good.
-stumbling upon a cool looking event to go to on valentines day weekend at my favorite hotel
-forgiveness
-all my ideas
-who i am as a person
-knowing it was time to stop asking about B now and lay off the advice and also let him out of my mind now.
-loving myself
-feeling love again little by little
-that mercury will be direct again next week and i just know life will be better because of it
-how high end i am
-new instagram followers
-my femininity and that i'm not afraid to be a feeling,crazy woman
-yet at the same time a contentment with myself in some ways with not needing a date on v-day like some girls and being ok with doing some things myself
-sweetness of B. i know he'll come around. i remember sweet things like us had barely just met and him offering to cancel his new years eve plans to spend the holiday with me. he is a sweet soul,i know he is just lost and will have empathy for me soon. i dont think i've ever had a guy offer to do something that sweet. to have just met me a few days ago and want to cancel his new years eve plans he bought tickets for just to spend the holiday with me. he was concerned about me spending the holiday alone. that'll always be one thing that sticks out in my mind about him that i liked.i almost wish i had gone,and what kind of time would we have had. he acted serious about me from the start then dropped me like nothing and has the nerve to delete me then block me when i didn't even act crazy when he said he's done with me.
-trusting my first hunch that he blocked me because he was going crazy about me and affected by me and probably checking my page alot
-trusting he probably deleted me seeing our mutual friend liked my new profile picture

[buttercup]

-how amazing i feel right now after realizing things and getting more clarity and getting back to myself little by little and healing little by little and learning and affirming things that bring me back to me by stepping out and trying things. love it.
-deleting my fake okcupid profile today. it just hit me like ok,you had decided to only join for a day to get some info and learn and now it's been two days and it is killing your time and you've learned all you had to learn and any longer you stay on is just making you a weirdo and is no longer useful so i knew it was time to go and deleted it. there was nothing i could get out of staying so deleted both profiles.i learned online dating is not for me and that it's mostly the kind of people looks wise and personality wise i wouldn't want to meet. i learned the girls on there arent that great of catches and that the men are hardly getting any opportunities.i learned that for me authentically meeting people in real life is the only way to go. online dating is just too cheesy for me.
-after that i got more and more curious about tinder. i thought i want to meet more people. this is a desire of mine and i felt drawn to join tinder,but didnt know why.i felt like it wouldn't be so bad and since it's like a game it could be fun and efficient and just part of keeping up with technology so started with a fake profile. it was depressing. it wasnt fun. it was boring. and mind numbing. all the guys were douchey and so i looked for women too to see what men are seeing. nothing to worry about there.i messaged with one person who seemed ok and he made it seem multi dating is a common thing and also confirmed most guys don't have more happen then a few messages back and forth.i started saying to the person that i like the magic of meeting someone organically and felt myself sad as i said this wondering what am i doing on here. it wasnt making me feel better.i thought about what am iwanting. do i want to just go on a bunch of "dates" with random people i chat with? no.i don't want to take away the magic of dating and meeting people that i feel. from how i met B and how magical that felt.that wouldn't happen meeting someone on tinder. but,still i thought it'd be fun to see friends on here and iwasnt so i finally thought,ok,maybe i need to just join tinder as me to see once and for all what matches it shows me and maybe i'll get better ones since it pulls from facebook info so then i'd meet more people like me. fail.in two minutes,i deleted my tinder. it was so awkward. it culled my photos and info right away before i got a chance to choose more snapshot-y pics and it made me look like a famous person on tinder. it was still showing me douche-y looking men.and,i just realized,as conceited as it sounds,people like me don't join tinder. even if i did put a snapshot up,it'd be too desperate. only my 9-5er friends seem to be on tinder based on conversations i've had anyways. leave tinder or them. for what i do for a living,and how i look,it just looked really awkward for me to be on tinder,and affirmed things for me in a good way such as my attractiveness and status and that again I don't need to worry so much about B or other guys moving on quickly from me,i am a great catch and these guys can go on all the dating sites and apps they want,most of them are still hardly getting dates.i realize now that maybe i needed to do this. with all the talk of tinder in the last year from people and then D making it on my mind more worrying about it being very vile and then even B doing okcupid before and all this stuff,i think my mind needed to know how these things actually work from the inside out,and it made me a lot calmer,more confident,and less jealous and seeing these things as less of a big deal.i have more of an understanding of them now. i just don't see them as a big deal. it's funny life can open up so many avenues to us and we can still be lonely and still the universe will bring us magical people when the time is right. sometimes you do need to open yourself up to new things you may think you don't like,and other times,you may see you were right all along.i can understand why some would use those sites but i think one blessing in my life is i don't need to. this really really helped me a lot. it affirmed so much for me including that i don't need to go and try and find others to pursue me,or that i'm so easily replaceable because people like B and D use things like that.i just need to be myself,work on myself,and trust in myself,and the magic of life of bringing me people in the right time for me.i still don't know exactly how i'll satiate my desire to meet more people,since that was a desire of mine today and yesterday and the day before with doing this as well.i did want to meet more people in general such as friends but now i don't even care about that.i trust that as long as i work on myself the opportunities for friendship and putting me in the place of people will come and new solutions for me to better my life will come. i'm grateful for all of this. we should keep trying things to expand ourselves and not be afraid to say well that particular action/method is not for me.i'm glad i didnt lower myself to have profiles on these sites. it would've been below my standards for me.
-protein water
-going to my first vegan restaurant today.i hadn't been to one yet in the 8 months i've been vegan and today i finally did. i'm glad i did that finally. grateful for trying a vegan cupcake for the first time and also the meatball sub was sooo good.was grateful to go out and go somewhere too since it's a saturday night which is usually date night for me and B and now B is having a b-day party and not speaking to me
-instagram. an app i do like! and,putting a new picture up on there tonight so if B is lurking me,he'll see i'm living life still too which tarot seemed to hint at i should do
-dreaming about B. i don't remember what about,it was mundane and lucid but everytime someone is in my dream ifeel they're about to manifest or close to me on a psychic level at the moment
-talking with best friend and realizing more i think B is mad and wanting me to hurt based on his actions because he is acting in a way that is angry not just a way of being done with someone. also,realizing with his actions that he may have been using things against me i told him such as knowing i am sensitive about being called crazy because of D and me mentioning how i just drop people(i remember him randomly saying he cant just drop his friends when i never said he should) and him taking it wrong and now dropping me like nothing using me telling him i do that against me not to mention his facebook actions when he knows i've brought up facebook things before with D and with him. i know he paid attention to me with things and used that to understand me and ease me and make things work with me,and now he's used things against me to hurt me. but,why? if you done with someone,wouldn't you feel guilty and not want them to hurt? he's clearly angry and affected by me and wanting to punish me.
-all the aquarius astrology info online which has helped me feel better and understand B more and made sense
-telling myself today would be 20% better then yesterday and it has been and that the day after would be more better and monday even more,each day building up getting amazing.
-candy
-almond milk in my bitter coffee to sweeten it up
-being easy on myself but taking myself out of the apathy and laziness from B stuff little by little.
-my unique personality
-all the cool neighborhoods in my city
-remembering i had said to friend and to myself how i had wanted some me time,and girl time and just social time with rushing to B right after D and never got that and now i do have that and i am enjoying that a little. the positive side of all this.i can get back to me a little. i miss nonstop dates but it's only been on week.i can have that again very quickly.
-quiet time and non distraction so i can heal.
-stylish music
-knowing i have soo much going for me.i will be ok.
-knowing i always win it,when someone messes with me,so it'll be all good
-remembering the importance of getting back on the meditating,exercising,affirming route.i got lazy and apathetic but that cant go on any further
-enjoying the little bit of madness that is me
-detaching from negative assuming
-all my viewpoints,opinions,and learning i want to express
-laughing at how silly everyone is really,despite the image they try to express to the world. we all are so imperfect
-being a woman
-knowing all will be ok,even if i don't know what the next page holds.
-body oil gel and how great it makes my skin feel and look
-being able to find and see purpose in meaning in each day,and each week and see the positive
-the potential for amazing to come
-just knowing this month will be great,even if it did start off quite bad
-best friend saying he had actually been looking forward to our plans today
-fake friend request still hasn't been updated since i denied proving to me more that it's B which is also creeps me out considering the effort put into it was more then two minutes. what is he up to.
-being a cool person.

[buttercup]

-chakra healing music and how much it is healing me. listened to heart and some throat before bed and now listening to third eye and crown.
-vacuuming and cleaning my front room and how great it makes my mind feel to have the room clean
-the amazing energy best friend sent me today and finding out it didn't kick in right away and learning about energy more from that and that it doesn't always kick in right away. it made me so hyper and i just felt so confident and certain all is going to work out and food tasted so good,i felt my tastebuds come so alive from the energy while eating a muffin after the energy shortly kicked in and felt like dancing and was being goofy and silly
-positive readings
-another dream with B. two in a row. we are psychically close.
-ideas i'm drawn to such as picking up some strong incense which will happen tomorrow since no time today
-all the healing and vibration raising ideas at my disposal that i haven't even got to because i slacked with how depressed i got. i have so much i can do tonight that i will do tonight that tomorrow is guaranteed to be amazing.
-my strength
-yummy foods i bought today while grocery shopping such as dark chocolate since i feel very feminine and like i need to nourish my feminine energy and spoil it
-how beautiful i felt i looked after energy was sent to me,too. it's amazing what strong hits of positive energy do to you and what it says about perceptions and the metaphysical nature of reality.i've done intense energy work before clearing blockages just to look in the mirror later and find myself to look so beautiful. it really shows all of reality is a perception and blockages and unhappiness clouds the perception.
-accepting and loving myself
-how great my lines look of my body
-good sleep. despite last week being awful,i have been sleeping better the last day or two
-my chakra coming alive and feeling the activation energy in each center
-healing quite quickly but at a natural pace
-my desires and all the things i want to do for me,things i want to explore for fun,etc
-appreciation
-coffee
-positive signs of things and serendipity
-taking the time to love myself and nourish my feminine energy
-the weather getting nicer and snow melting away
-letting myself cry a little which happened to happen right before my vibration raised a lot. letting out your emotions allows healing to come so much quicker!

[buttercup]

-going tanning today
-coffee
-tofu scramble sandwich for breakfast
-after breakdown last night,the calm i felt in the evening. i felt very rational and relaxed.i hurt myself. pretty bad. i wanted B to know how hurt i was.it got triggered by such a stupid and impatient reason.i wanted to post something online to express myself inspired by B stuff and it kept glitching even though i had written something very inspired and nice and it triggered all these feelings when i couldnt. i got my post up later with a much more shortened post. the writer in me likes to tell a story,but sometimes,you have to go with the flow which i really did not. after the breakdown in my calm,i realized it's time to go full no contact with B if i want any chance of him back quickly. i now am not mentioning him to friends,checking anything online of him,doing tarot on him,or googling how to get him back type stuff. today is the first day of that,and it's hard. it takes willpower but i feel a little better from it,too and like my intuition is strengthening.i realized that even just 5 minutes total of checking someone online can lead to them being in your mind for like 2 hours total a day plus addthat to mentioning them,and it's no wonderyou can't detach with all that you do keeping them in your mind. i realized today i really do let the guy's i like consume my mind.i also realized the dance of energy with things of why from the metaphysical reason me and B fell apart and it was pretty obvious. i was on the pedestal from the start and the moment i realized i did like him i said oh s--- and worried and kept having things manifest to worry about. we even had little arguments the days before we met up the last time and the last night before i met up with him that last time,i confided in a friend how much i wanted friends night outs like B has and how much that would've helped me and i remember thinking and telling another person how i wished i had some space between D and B a little bit,because i feel I rushed into things with B.irealized with perfect clarity last night it went from B being the one more into me and me on a pedestal to me putting too much energy on him by the end.i got attached. That's exactly when it fell apart. I learned playing it cool isnt playing games,but it is something that is beneficial to do with all things from an energy/loa perspective to keep us balanced and things in our favor. i had wanted so much to give everything to B(metaphorically)and to not play games and to just be "real" and now i realize as much as i should love and comfort that desire of mine,playing it cool isn't being fake,but is something that is beneficial to us,for our own healing and balance and staying centered. there is no big soul lesson with B that's been revealed,which is one of many reasons i don't think we are done,the universe just wanted me to check myself and get me back on the right path,and have me see is this what I even want.i think i needed this time to see things more clearly and it makes sense loa wise how this happened now. i feel almost a sense of dejavu as i write this.i took myself off the pedestal way too quickly. if i had played it cool like i did from the beginning,this never would've happened. i was acting low value by the end.i'm glad the lessons of why this fell apart has come to me.i thus far believe B and I are meant to explore more with each other,and this was just the universe's way of saying time out and check with yourself about what you are doing and what's really going on. with how bizarre things have went since we last saw each other,that's the only thing that makes sense. By tomorrow,i will likely stop mentioning him on here and another forum as well,to more fully implement no contact,since that's the last thing i need to cut that has anything to do with him.
-deciding that i iwll spend 5 minutes every hour until i go to sleep to just sit in silence.i guess you could say it's meditation but less regimented.i did this once,and got a lot of clarity from it. so much good and healing happens when you give yourself nothing and that space of nothing.i think my more regimented meditation isn't as disciplined and i will change how i do it since it's guided and i lay down and think too much during it. taking 5 minutes an hour to do nothing is somehow much more powerful.
-the color green.it's my favorite color. B wore green sometimes and had some green in his apartment. i had been wanting green in my apartment for some time now and i think i will start looking into that finally. it's such a healing and energizing color.
-almond milk
-clean diets
-finding something cool i wanted for valentine's day
-being a witty,and thoughtful writer and really good at writing notes,and online dating profiles. i'm quite good with words.
-weird things that stop me in my tracks and go hmm. such as today,at the salon,they played the exact song as last week iwas there the day B officially told me this wont work out. this lyric kept standing out "when everything's made to be broken,i just want you to know who i am." this song seems to sum up me and B quite well. both of us being very in tune saying nothing in life is perfect and how he has these things he was hiding and i found them out and it made him vulnerable and embarrassed and that's when he ran away. i adore him.i want to say love because i'm a spiritual person and feel those feelings perhaps somewhat easy but that's nothing to be ashamed about.i never thought i'd go out with a nerdy guy,and fall for one,but even with his dork-ish traits that sometimes slightly embarrass me,i like him.i feel a kismet connection to him.
-my loving spiritual music i found in january. how healed and loving it makes me feel listening to it.
-my desires
-getting my ambition and desire to be productive back again. today has been the most normal day since this time last week so that is good.i feel a little lonely and empty and have since B did this to me,but i know i'll be ok,and to be strong and embrace it
-the weather being nicer and snow melting
-serendipity
-things that come about reminding me of my own spiritual awakening
-the little things in life
-my best friend and how amazing he is and that God sent him to me.how much he's grown as a person.
-colors and what can be done with colors
-the sun
-fresh air and how great it feels
-my wisdom
-how soft,open,and vulnerable i feel. it's maybe scary for some,but it helps me relax actually. it's a deeper surrender to feel cuddly,and wounded,and a desire to love and be loved,and to admit i feel really hurt.i feel helpless,sort of and though that's not an empowering word,i think it's ok to admit weakness
-my goals. as hard as it may be to believe in certain things ever happening,and as heartbroken as i feel about many things in life,i know,in good time,things do manifest
-my maturity and that all the things i've been through and has made me a more accepting person then the average person
-observing reality
-my accomplishments
-the things that intrigue me. for example,buddhism lately is intriguing me. not sure why.
-time slowing down this last hour. a good sign.
-yoga pants
-nice people
-knowing that this month and next are significant so just to sit tight and not worry about things.and,by then april,well that'll be a hard month,plus it might be eclipse again. these next few months will be intense.i shouldnt and am not trying to predict and control life,but i do think starting now that the next few months will be interesting and a lot of unfolding
-all the work offers kicking in and how busy my life can get depending on what i accept
-dreamt of B four days at least in a row now. wonder what that means.
-relaxation and surrender
-all the epiphanies from even just 5 minutes of real meditation. so grateful. im still feeling the affects.
-inner guidance
-how thoughtful iam
-my desire to love and be love
-getting my favorite incense yesterday
-not taking things personally especially after seeing some people have negative biases and just want to shut down all kinds of things no matter what even when it makes no sense and so is clearly just a negative bias they are projecting.

[buttercup]

-coca cola. a vice but i'm being easy on myself during this time
-pretzels
-candy
-valentines day.i could care less about society and guys who are jerks,it is one of my favorite holidays and to me is about love in general and all month i consider it love month.
-after getting upset yesterday telling friend i believe in loa you'd think i'd be a better manifestor and i do believe in it with all my heart,but i havent been a good manifestor in years. what went wrong? i made it too complicated over time by trying too hard with different methods and not even controlling my mind in the moment. it's so simple,it's hard. but,it's not that hard. it's just training,discipline,and a little bit of willpower. going back to the basics again. simple thought control and daily simple non guided meditation. i've seen so much when i actually make the little bit of effort of what it's all about how quickly things change but intead i choose to be lazy and do methods. keep it simple! just control your mind.i really dislike law of attraction coaches and such for this reason. they make it so complicated. even the secret does! sure,it's got it purposes,those things,but overall,they only made it more complicated for me when iread more books and things onilne,because it makes it too much of a process such as ask,believe,recieve,and you worry about letting go and you worry about if you are accidentally blocking it with your thoughts by not having perfect wording,which is ridiculous. if you just control your mind,that's all you need to do. you don't need perfect wording or to let go. letting go comes naturally anyways as does raising your vibration when you control your mind. don't think about steps or the mechanics or the ways you will get in your way. just keep your mind generally clear and only think the thoughts you want. i made an loa challenge to myself to do this for a full week. the insane amount of change in someone's life to keep this up for a week would be miraculous. i failed after two hours and let a little doubt curtail me but in those two hours,i manifested some little things including a friend getting back to me and being a little chattier and getting awful knots out of my hair super quickly and just an overall more peaceful,clear mood. i'm back on it,and doing it again. this is so easy,just don't complicate it and don't get lazy. the feeling of well being that will take over you is amazing.you will feel yourself gently smile and feel relaxed and it's not in a super excited way,but just a nice,sane,rational way. it's really good. i'm grateful for getting back on track with this,and will keep it up.i manifested likes on a post i made real quick where the me before the last 48 hours would've expected none so i know it was intention manifestation. stop expecting. stop waiting. stop looking around. just feel good. be natural. think the thoughts that feel good. it'll all work itself out when you do this.
-deciding in my pain last night after the doubt thought curtailed me to contact the lost love...that's kind of huge...like really huge,really..and i did it so randomly..all the pain of 2014 has just made me a lot more i don't care anymore and more fearless.i would rather know things these days. it didn't go super well,but again,i think i just wanted to do it just to not feel it weird anymore. it made me think more he is a sociopath. he is J. he acted as if i was just a faraway stranger and crazy and like he was being nice talking to me and like i was the one in the wrong. and he did it all in a way where it was supposed to be charming. he wasn't mean. he responded right away and quickly. and he just sounded very off and eerie.maybe he really just didn't know how to respond but his way of responding definitely had an odd tone. it was as if he was a celebrity talking to some girl he used to hang out with years ago but was never close to and pitied. it made me sad that you can spend time with someone,and years can pass,and they can be meaningless to you. it made my mind wander to B,even except B is not a sociopath and I had hunches J was back then. It just made me wander to a lot of people and if i dated more jerks then i realize and am too into them in comparison to me. but,i know it's not true.i seen J's face when we had accidentally had that weird running into each other occurence almost year after we stopped speaking and it was priceless.it made me wonder about other guys and people who i hardly knew or did know but drifted from. i'm usually someone people can meet only once and can remember vividly years later. I mean,even A,all those years later,and he acted like we were long lost buddies when i ran into him and like he had been hurt by me. it made me see A is a good guy and is more real at least,and maybe more of the real thing then J. it seems,also i know a lot of superficial people,and i am one,too and we focus so much on our success and careers and egos. the J messaging was just awkward,but in a way helpful,as right now i affirms i am someone people remember years later and not depending on how much we hung out,and that people put on all kinds of facades and to just keep affirming to be the person i want to be.i meet a lot of people in my life,and i am someone who makes an impact. it's not odd for me because of my field to meet someone once then years later talk to them like it's not a big deal,or to really enjoy talking to them again,but maybe for some others,it's weird to them. that's their problem.
-color therapy
-desires for my apartment to add green since it's my favorite color and to decorate it more green and how healing that will be
-ideas
-best friend being on the spiritual path now,finally,it seems.i remember i had wanted that for awhile. guess that's another manifestation.
-moisturizing lip balms
-water and how good it is for you
-tanning beds and how good they make me feel
-getting a little work done last night,so getting back to being productive again
-how beautiful i am
-how young and feminine and european my face looks
-the J stuff giving me clarity even if it hurt about being more detached and kinda helping me have more closure in some ways and to just follow my pleasures instead of feeling in bondage by lost loves and potential loves
-yoga pants
-sweaters
-style
-my success and all i have going for me.i just need to see it more,and focus on it more in a way that brings me pleasure
-getting things started with getting organized tonight and yesterday finally and updating a little
-a really nice,tasty,high protein meal last night
-vitamins
-high protein foods and how great they make me feel and look
-getting back on track with exercise again and how great that makes me feel
-using J as inspiration to be more into fitness and more into success and winning,and keeping my thoughts only on what i want.i already am like that,but J makes me want to bring it out more. i am very emotional. he is very not. his lack of emotions enables him to sail through much quicker.
-that even if it takes time,i always do win it anyways
-abraham emotional guidance scale to help me see where i'm at when mood boosting.
-music
-love
-romance
-being a believer in things that others think is crazy and being myself and not giving up on that.
-freedom and the nothing to lose mindset that comes the more you lose
-new photos in my email that i had been waiting for and that they are not so bad
-my wisdom
-my personality
-knowing it's all me,it's all about the inner work. anything in disarray on the outside,it just something that needs healing within me
-that beauty that is like mine has become much more popular lately and trendy even in magazines that are catered to a men's magazine audience since that makes it mainstream and sexy
-instagram
-my innocence
-fun moments that make me laugh and laugh remembering them. the silly moments that when reflecting look so cinematic.
-being a fun person
-how accepting of a person i am and nonjudgemental
-beauty
-the sexy moments i enjoy remembering and the romantic ones