GRATITUDE LIST

[buttercup]

-ginger
-soda
-feeling like a weight's been lifted and just a little more relaxed the last day or two for some reason
-healthy digestion
-how exciting it is that my first prada bag is on it's way to me
-nice weather
-TV episodes on hulu
-buying some pet products sent to my mom
-getting medicine for the cats. they couldn't get their surgery because they are sick so they gave us medicine at no charge
-chile mocha coffee
-sleep
-going to pilates class today
-going for a walk after pilates class
-nightskies
-that i'm almost done with a round of jobs i've been doing for a client. i'll have to find new work asap and this was a nice consistent thing for awhile,but it'll be nice to have my sundays again and see what else is out there.
-sweets
-meeting cool people
-kind people
-taking the train again today and establishing it as a pattern of being normal for me
-fashion
-being excited for thanksgiving and M saying we are going shopping on thanksgiving
-M's husband giving me $20 today
-coffee
-doing some reading today
-art
-my medications i take
-getting draft done and sent to talent for review
-my job at the yoga studio
-positive possibilities
-reflection

[buttercup]

-ideas
-soda
-heating pads
-blankets
-sleep
-my calvin klein scarf
-my sense of style
-makeup
-giving the kittens and T cat from first litter their medicine
-laughing
-M's friend D and how funny he is and nice
-confirming another job today
-having a little bit of alcohol today
-going to the yoga class tonight
-coffee
-doing my job today
-TV episodes on hulu
-warm showers

[buttercup]

-ghee butter
-water
-my new prada bag
-getting my reporting done
-bringing the kittens in for a little bit today
-lavender
-soda pop
-M apologizing to me today
-ordering the gift i had planned on getting for M
-sending out more emails for jobs
-naps
-sleep
-my sparkly sweater from zara
-fashion
-coffee
-getting a ride to work
-doing some editing on an article
-lemon bars
-doing some follow ups on emails for first career
-TV episodes on hulu
-not having to work tomorrow
-stretches
-that the cat houses should be arriving any day now
-great deals
-free shipping
-cleaning my room and doing some more organizing
-my medications i'm taking
-ordering some yoga pants i've been wanting
-my weight going down
-my beauty
-cat hugs and cuddles
-straw
-laughing
-sweaters
-how much better my money is doing compared to this time last year
-goals
-getting the doghouse with straw moved to the downstairs level for the cats since it seems warmer there.

[buttercup]

-seeing T cat from first litter using one of the winter shelters the animal charity gave.i was so unsure of those ones,if they'd even use them and thought maybe if it's cold enough hopefully they then will and seen T walk out from it and i went to touch her and she was the warmest cat outside so it must be good.
-M making me a protein drink.
-soda pop
-water
-going to a fitness class today

[buttercup]

-seeing that everything is working out
-sleep
-TV episodes on hulu
-T kitten from 3rd litter coming in house and how funny he is
-great deals
-fashion
-things working out with follow ups and jobs during upcoming out of town trip
-my thigh gap
-motivation
-my medications
-smiling
-my cat slippers
-sweaters
-meditating today
-my desires
-my hair looking darker from shampoo i started using
-lipbalms
-stretches
-having such young and delicate features
-happiness
-how beautiful my eyes are

[buttercup]

-water
-T kitten. i feel a deep connection to the little guy,similar to the depth i felt when i first met his cat mom.
-that the cats are using the winter housing and feeling toasty in it.
-weather being a little nicer today
-getting in a good workout and sweating from it
-face and head massage that helped release a lot of tension
-stretches
-my buddha statue in my room
-my beautiful prada purse
-fashion
-M buying me more lemon bars
-going to the grocery store to pick up some food
-sleep
-my medications
-sweaters
-blankets
-coffee
-having a nice body
-my stomach getting flatter and more sculpted
-having healthy teeth
-healthy digestion
-having great cheekbones
-the job offers coming in for upcoming out of trip. so exciting.
-dental floss
-some good daydreaming today
-music
-interesting art
-soda pop
-tv episodes on hulu
-smiling
-laughing
-neck massage
-getting a saving account opened

[buttercup]

I have come to the conclusion that i am going to contact R from my past. I've been thinking about it for a few days now,contemplating the how and if i'm sure and it feels like something i have to do. whilst organizing my closet some more today,i came across journals i did not throw away yet. he may have been more important to me then i even realize. realizing good things i did not remember,and accepting the bitter parts,and getting a balanced perspective. he did like me,and i did do things to seem disinterested. i can see the blocks back then and reading through journals,i seen old patterns i still carry with me to this day.i found i had a picture of one of my first major crush's from the newspaper who had died back in h.s. i couldn't find anything on google the last years,it had been so long,but to see i had even saved his picture back then in my journal was interesting. even if my life was lonely and sad in parts back then,there was life and meaning and the feeling of aliveness. i wasn't as weird as i had thought.i was beautiful. And,R was dreamy and cool just ala the Trip character in the movie we both liked the virgin suicides. reading the journals gave me new affirmation,intrigue,and perspective. it must've just been that right time to go looking back to my past. It's been a hard and disappointing week or two but at least this is something to think about.
-realizing i'm done trying to compete with ex's gf R. I've been mad at M and after what's come about the last few days,i've been distant towards her,and skipping classes. she let me down and this proves things to me and i'm done now. it's time to focus on me,my wants,and finding my happiness. she brought me presents today as if that could make up for it. it was a blender,coffee maker,and sitting buddha statue.i thought i seen two books that looked as if they should be for me,but she hasn't given them to me yet.
-deciding i am going to iniate contact with R from my past within the next few weeks.
-contemplation and reflection
-my old journals
-cleaning out my closet and organizing
-soda pop
-hot coffee
-my outdoor cats
-cuteness
-my new sweater i've been wearing that i got last week
-my new winter boots i've been loving
-my new miu miu wallet that came today. it's beautiful.i think i enjoy my somewhat spontaneous purchases more then my more planned out ones.
-going to therapy today and to see psychiatrist. it's nice to allow myself to be "broken."
-having ideas about direction coming to me
-TV episodes on hulu
-giving M that gift i gave her over the weekend.it came out even better then i expected so am happy about that
-hearing M's sister asking M's husband how i was doing which was nice
-friendly people
-M's husband being nicer to me lately
-sleep
-creative dental solutions
-naps
-my mario badescu hyaluronic acid eye cream
-feeling my feelings
-the wisdom i've gained over the years
-water
-dental floss
-doing a little cosmic ordering on the cosmic ordering site
-stretches
-having a nice chest
-weather being warmer today
-straw
-the internet
-my phone
-positive changes
-new ideas

[buttercup]

-my medications
-water
-getting dentist appointment done even though again it didn't go as intended
-healthy digestion
-sleep
-art
-music
-creativity
-feeling back in the moment again of when i was 16 after reading old journals.i remember the feeling of aliveness again,and my roots and feel renewed.
-my plant-based logo t-shirt looking not too bad on me
-sweaters
-pizza without cheese
-hot coffee
-soda pop
-TV episodes on hulu
-taking some time to do some writing that was creative and partially practicing the message I will send to R from my past sometime next month
-interesting concepts
-the weather being nice and warm for this time of year
-T cat from first litter and how much she warms my heart. she is such a sweetie. she used to be the runt of them all and very panicky personality and wouldnt let you pet her,now she curls her head up in my shoulders when i pick her up
-nightskies and how soothing they are
-smiling
-cleaning out more of my closet tonight
-venting
-getting my check today
-stretches
-buying myself some fancy chocolates from bloomingdales that interested me
-my hyaluronic acid eye cream
-beauty
-inspiration
-fashion
-my sense of style
-feeling beautiful again
-goals
-my ambition
-not having work tomorrow
-relaxation
-getting confirmed for another 4 days of work from a client i've been working with one of the days replacing a day that got cancelled by another client so will meet my december minimal earning goals which is great
-getting the outdoor cats through the month of november
-being smart
-buying myself some cute ballet shoes i had been wanting
-warm showers

[buttercup]

another sad day. today,because work news coming about leading me to have make a business decision on 2nd career thing i do. i also felt spacey today,and apathetic and then cried in the evening.i feel so hopeless.and,have been having signs of eating disorder.
-R from my past. the one thing that makes me feel alive. he has been on my mind a lot lately. and,he seems more and more logical to be now.i feel like i'm back in the past,and it feels wonderful. the music,the way i felt,that young feeling,the feeling of being "cool," the crazy things me and our friends did like boys climbing in our windows,smoking weed,making out at the park,ditching school,etc.i did connect with him.i brushed it aside because of ex best friend that we didn't really connect but we did. my best friend at the time may have sabotaged me from him,too. she had been revealed later to be too-faced and spread lies,and in my own journal a friend once has said she's not as innocent as i think. she may have told lies about me or blocked me from seeing him on purpose. made him think i didn't like him,maybe. who knows. she did try and break me and ex best friend up and she did sleep with R knowing i liked him.
-my medications
-skipping a day without soda. wasn't hard either
-water
-hot coffee
-friendly people
-working today
-buying more lemon bars
-getting some editing done on article
-weather feeling warmer then it said it would be
-my outdoor cats
-pretty designer things
-ordering a beautiful designer jacket i had been eyeing last night
-sweaters
-my winter boots
-my phone
-getting a facial yesterday and a glass of red wine with it
-fashion
-naps
-dental floss
-getting a ride to and from work
-mom cat going in one of the cat houses we bought for her
-the amazing restorative yoga pose my boss put me in the other day
-compliments
-TV episodes on hulu
-my desires
-memories
-hope
-M's husband praying for me

[buttercup]

-music
-finding something amazing connected to R from my past that was emotionally moving for me in another old journal while organizing. i had asked for a sign and thought i didn't get it yet,but maybe i did.
-spending time looking people up from my past on facebook.i usually don't enjoy it as i don't care for anyone from back then,but this time i felt happy and intrigued by seeing how others were doing.
-R from my past. no matter what happens after i send him the message,he has become a muse for me now.i can now see why he was important to me,and why i was drawn to him. maybe all this is perfect timing and i'm meant to heal some things with him. and,i know now's the time,because we aren't getting any younger and it's already been so long.
-spending time writing out some things about R as possible things to use in a message to him down the line. once i send him the message,it'll be semi casual,but it feels important for me to jot down the other things as well.i really want to come clean in a relaxed,bold,yet casual i don't care kind of way. i've never made the first move on a guy before and had been thinking for some time lately that i want to as sort of a bucket list item for me,and he is that perfect person. he practically crept up on me in my mind and then couldn't leave it out of all the guys i had my eye on the last months.
-fashion
-my outdoor cats
-creative dental solutions
-my beauty
-getting some more done article i've been working on. it's now just about 99.99% finished and will be definitely releasing it next week.
-becoming more confident and competant
-rest
-cat hugs
-my chanel lipgloss
-taking some inspired action
-buying some dance classes the other day.
-my medications
-letting myself change
-water
-nonconformity and things unique
-my creativity
-coffee
-feeling better
-getting some organizing done
-my winter boots
-my venus dimples
-stretches
-laughing