i think i fear things being out of control. when things are out of control,i feel like a failure. like,i just can't keep it together. when,i have the illusion of things being in control,i feel secure,i feel...slightly stable,i feel ok,like i'm managing. like,i'm ok as a human being,i'm not so bad. i metaphorically feel like i'm falling,losing control,my hands are losing their grip,and i feel shame,but as i'm losing grip,i feel like i'm going to fall,and i'm going to let go,and find that bliss,but right now,my hands are still just starting to lose their grip,and i am just starting to feel the bad feelings of inadequacy for not keeping it all in control,for failing. the feeling is as if i'm on the verge of a panic attack for not being better.
last night,i felt like i was going crazy,i felt like on the verge of a panic attack. strong feelings of disassociation. feeling like i need to get away. i started looking up meditation retreats. that's partially why i think i wanted to check into a mental hospital those past months. i think i'm looking for a mental vacation,a forced quiet.i feel like i need to do an internet/phone cleanse for a while,and just long quiet/meditation periods. i think maybe that's what my soul is craving.i haven't done that in awhile. when i've done it in the past,i found profound healing,life changing realizations,and my vibration rose very high. i remembered "me." so,this is my next mission.
today,i missed my class and ate a ton of junk food. i think i've convinced myself before that i need to mess up from time to time,just to feel in balance..as if letting myself mess up a little bit,makes me feel stable,and more likely to do better,i don't know.
-going to whole foods today. i think just getting out of the house helped my mood a lot.
-sleep.
-leggings/yoga pants. my favorite things to wear
-cats.
-meditative realizations/insights
-water
-coffee
-sweaters
-chlorophyll
-stretches
-physical exercise
-the little heater in my room
-forgiveness
-getting castings
-gratitude
-updating my resume today
-updating one of my social media pages today
-doing a little reading
-doing a little work on the next article. each article becomes me being immersed in the topic of said article. i like it.
-TV episodes online
-entertainment
-music
-blankets
-beauty
-my hair
-vacuuming my floor today and M's husband mopping it for me
-embracing feeling
-connection
-my wisdom
-my goals
-ideas
-doing new things
-new apps for my phone that look interesting
-kindness
-started to get more into the idea of the law of attraction again
-doing a spiritual intentions exercise the other day
-having a work social this week
-hot tea
-lavender
-style
-self love and appreciation
-deep cleansing breaths
-the internet
-person i didn't end up meeting with recently wanting to meet this week.
-getting more flyers put up for S kitten and T cat and going looking for T cat
-clean clothes
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