GRATITUDE LIST

[buttercup]

-bumble app. i've actually am starting to taking a liking to it. there's an investment banker i've been chatting with a lot who seems nice,and a drummer i think i am starting to find attractive
-fashion
-my illustrator getting back to me.i was getting worried she had lost interest
-sunshine
-staying strong and keeping it moving when the going got tough today. two jobs i attempted did not work out due to rude people but my boss said i will still get paid. i have been feeling on the urge of nervous breakdown for days and cried on and off today and ended up calling the crisis hotline in the early afternoon to help me calm down.
-being easy on myself and taking things one day at a time. instead of rushing to another job when my head was all over the place after first one didn't work out,i calmed myself down,decided to be spontaneous and ordered myself lunch off grubhub then went to work
-taking my power back
-loving myself
-soda pop
-art
-creativity
-that my social life seems to be on the verge of opening up. i have someone from my work networking app who wants to meet up and a few possibilities starting to come about from bumble
-lunch
-T kitten. I love him. He lets me put the mini party hat on to take his picture while he is laying down and stands on both of his legs to try and get the treats when im outside feeding them. so cute.
-having some time to bring T kitten in the house for a little bit.
-water
-coffee
-pinterest
-my phone
-meditation and staying consistent with it
-upcoming creative projects to boost my career
-getting started on the next course certificate i have to get before i can do my job next week and that it's pretty easy so far
-physical exercise
-starting the course for the next computer skill course im taking
-mantras and affirmations
-having a kind heart
-my beauty
-framing the art photo of my passed on soul connection.i still prefer the look without a frame,though i think.
-uber
-rest
-my bed
-yoga
-my hair
-my intelligence
-relaxation
-unique beauty
-getting another recap done
-prayer
-my heart chakra spray

[buttercup]

Everyday I start to feel a little better and like I am shifting things for the better within but then something like i'll be home and all of a sudden M walks in and has just gotten back from what i'm guessing is going to dinner with her son ans his girlfriend and sounding so joyful and I just feel sick to my stomach. I feel betrayed and degraded. That she could spend so much time going out of her way to make me feel comfortable then one day her son threatens and manipulates her and she throws me down the bridge like it's nothing. I don't get it. At all. All this time we had tension,had I known I was risking this to happen,I would've made a far greater effort to fix things. I thought I could trust her. I thought she was mature enough and adult enough to not let what she deemed my being "silly" cause this to happen. I spent all that time being jealous of time she spent with son's girlfriend and she knew it,and this has got to be the coldest response in the world. I used to be able to ask for money or anything like nothing because they encouraged me to do so,now all of a sudden i feel strange to do so. To go from telling me they will treat me like a daughter to this. I know there is problems that I need to resolve. But,I also know that this isn't right,or anything close to a solution..that there can be a way of going back to how it was. This is just all so painful,frightening,and overwhelming. My plan is to go general,shift things within subtly,say strong on some general affirmations,pray,and let life get moving in other areas since i believe that's a key to healing things. I need to focus a lot on empowerment. I feel so victimized and that will help. I won't go down like this. It'd be a mistake for her son. It may be cheesy but I feel like I have to get strong to be like a super hero wielding any attacks executed against me and conquering the bad guys. I'm done being the victim. He ruined me for far too long and he's making some really bad choices right now to try and ruin someone who literally took all he did to me and never even fought back and to try and ruin me to pieces where I have nothing left to stand on. I never thought I'd be in war with the one I thought was my hero and best friend,and thus far it feels like the biggest war I've ever been in. I refuse to feel on edge for a whole year just to get the boot like i'm some stranger. Eff that. After all me and M and her husband had been through. No. That is not truth. I refuse to let that stupid ----- girlfriend of his who has no power whatsoever but who thought she did continue to think so. They are small and they are idiots. She is just a girl. And,I was the one who taught HIM the law of attraction.

-nightskies
-T kitten and all my outdoor cats
-bumble app. if nothing else,it's nice to have a few people to chat without throughout the day.
-M's husband bringing me to my first job today. he's been busy with work but had the day off so it was nice to have some normalness
-sunshine
-M's husband giving me $100. lately,he seems to still want to treat me like a child. he's insisting i don't pay for things like dinner to go out with them because i need that money in case for some reason they cant give me money for uber,etc the dynamics of this literally contradict that of someone giving someone a deadline to be out of the house by.
-iced almond milk halzelnut latte and chocolate donuts i got for breakfast today
-getting chipotle for dinner
-seeing T kitten run to me when i called his name when i got home. so freaking cute.
-fashion
-staying strong
-that i don't have to work tomorrow
-seeing the law of attraction manifest my intentions
-the word thank you and wanting to use that word more to manifest my desires
-that i get to go to the dentist tomorrow
-facebook
-prayer
-working on another recap for the past week's work
-laughing at life
-heels. wearing them makes me feel more able to take on the day
-makeup
-my phone
-trusting in the power of the universe instead of trying to take on actions myself. I trust God is good and is taking care of me and will fix the negativity being done against me. It's in God's hands.
-uber drivers really liking me because i've started to take it upon myself recently to text them after i request,where i'm at. I do this to be efficient and because ever since uber started sending them to wrong addesses and the drivers keep thanking me lately
-being smart
-black leggings
-soda pop
-sweaters
-becoming more indepdent and growing as a person despite what haters say
-trying to keep my vibe semi high despite all that is going on
-a good psychic reading session today with animal communicator. even without me bringing it up,she right away remembered S kitten when I had called. She thinks T cat is with a family and even brought up an orange cat with white which matches the description of my mother's cat and gave me some advice about him for me to look into. I am thinking about getting a reading done about this situation with ex best friend and his girlfriend.
-faith
-all that i have going for me
-my creativity

[buttercup]

today,i was crying on the way to my appointment and planning on how can i go missing. with all the pain,and then uber app telling me it'd be $60 bucks there and back,i felt overwhelmed and had to hide my face so the driver didn't see me upset. but my day got better because my appointment went very well,and i read some of my book and practiced the techniques while in the car,waiting in the lobby,and so on it shifted my vibe.
-how well my appoinment went. this dentist office was the friendliest ive been to ever. the dentist complimented my hair,wasn't in a rush,complimented how white my teeth were,tried to make me feel calm and was completely fine with giving me a filling/bonding instead of gum surgery like every other dentist which was what i had been wanting. finally. so good to finally get this done.
-the uber price going down to $20 on the way there after initially being $30 and $35 for cheapest possible ride,and then only being $13 on the way home.
-my book i've been reading that's really been resonating with me. i was able to easily practice the techniques all in the car while in the lobby and on the way home. it even seemed like people started to seem friendlier to me. the book shifted my vibe and made me feel more empowered in an organic way.
-getting some dinner out today delivered when i got home from my appointment
-feeling more confident about my teeth now
-coffee
-brownie bites i found in the fridge to eat
-watching a TV episode online tonight which was nice to just zone out for a bit.
-antidepressants.
-having my appointment for a new doctor tommorow
-getting some journaling done after wanting to do so for a few days
-surrender
-organically shifting my beliefs to more empowering ones
-fashion
-bumble app. though,i'm not sure anything is coming out of it. so far,it's just little meaningless chats.i do hope maybe something does.
-seeing little possible signs sometimes from G from the yoga studio. it makes me wonder sometimes.
-sleep
-all seeming to go well with my recaps from this weekend
-my phone
-sunshine
-my bed
-my new hair barrettes i got in the mail
-my conviction
-my beauty
-peace
-my outdoor cats
-being able to look at things logically
-getting more done with the letter to M last night
-how great my skin has been looking
-physical exercise
-goals
-opportunities
-reflection
-flowers
-entertainment
-talent
-lip balm
-empowerment
-touch
-water

[buttercup]

-bumble chats
-art
-music
-connection
-candy
-quiet
-making it to my doctor appointment and doctor being nice and getting me on zoloft,the med i've been wanting,and some psychiatry referrals
-while being about to request uber,being offered the flat flare/ride pass again. i was so excited,and mentally yelled out it's a miracle..and then shortly later realized i had affirmed a few times in the last day for miracles.
-the book i've been reading by william atkinson. it's been really resonating with me,and i've been practicing it on and off ever since i started it. i notice besides feeling calmer and more empowered/my vibe a little higher that people seem to be a little nicer towards me. it's weird.
-getting paid today
-going to the grocery store today and finally getting more food
-nice weather today
-sunshine
-nightskies
-being assertive
-coffee
-getting the tooth bonded yesterday
-working on my to-do list today
-deep cleansing breaths
-doing my dishes
-physical exercises
-even managing to say a few words to M today which i credit to my practice from the william atkinson book
-getting the power book in the mail today and the way the book looked. just looking at it,and holding it made me feel good
-my phone
-seeing for example when an older man that was my uber driver today,i, in my mind,became calmer thinking how important it is to be nicer to older people,and unintentionally practicing the works in the book i'm reading and suddenly he became much kinder to me.
-buying some peacock print ribbon for a project i want to do
-going nuts with shopping and buying a pillow that costs almost $100 that will be a handmade portrait pillow of T cat who has been missing. i wanted it,then felt this overwhelming hunch for it so i went with it
-fashion
-watching some TV episodes online tonight to relax
-how affectionate H cat is
-having T kitten in the house and letting him cuddle on me. He likes to do his ritual where it looks like he is possessing me. He goes on my chest,starts kneading in my sweater while purring and his eyes are shut and he looks like he is in relaxation ecstacy and then he lays on me like i'm a couch. He feels ridiculously close to me.
-getting the alcohol certification i needed to do an upcoming job and this is good because sometimes it's requested and now i can do more jobs now that i have it
-my eyeglasses
-the lemon luna bar i had for breakfast
-water
-being intelligent
-my beauty
-having nice lips
-my bed
-the fashion industry
-kawaii
-opportunities
-my primary career
-my heart chakra spray
-ideas
-kindness
-creativity
-nonconformity

[buttercup]

-food to eat
-ghee
-my vibration rising
-feeling my third eye chakra awakening
-my bed
-getting the collars that came onto H cat and T kitten
-animal lovers
-friendliness
-getting my third eye shirt in the mail
-coffee
-donuts
-all the cute pictures of cats i take and all the cute things they do
-meditation and feeling like i started to go deeper into it
-peacock prints
-the color blue
-opportunities
-eye stretches
-cleaning the bed
-stretches
-pictures
-social media
-determination
-sertraline
-doing more reading on my telepathy book and practicing with it
-my phone
-the internet
-organically overcoming beliefs that no longer serve me
-sleep
-accomplishing goals
-manifesting desires
-spirituality
-lotus flowers
-flowers
-quiet
-drinking more water
-peace
-sweaters
-gratitude
-the words thank you

[DarkChylde]

-all the cute pictures of cats i take and all the cute things they do

sweater-sphynx-cat.jpg.653x0_q80_crop-smart.jpg

[buttercup]

I always feel bad for those cats not having a coat.

[buttercup]

my mood has been more up,i have done 3 things that could be why. meditating more consistently,practicing telepathy,and the zoloft.
-band-aids
-water
-my good luck scrub
-getting a lot done today. which maybe explains why by the end of the day,i got lazier.
-following my gut and being assertive even though i didnt want. after showing my dad the more recent illustrations of concept i directed that I wasn't as crazy about and him randomly reassuring about victims as sympathy for me i think,and saying not nice to look at,I decided it just wasn't me. The original concept was more subtle and dreamy but the more final ones were just too graphic for me so i politely told the artist while complimenting her.
-my eyeglasses
-art
-getting the food card fixed so it will be back to normal by saturday
-people seeming friendlier then usual to me lately
-how cute T kitten and H cat look in their new collars
-going searching for S kitten and leafletting flyers from a an allet cat organzation in the neighborhood she was last seen in
-coffee
-chocolate
-being ageless. more,and more people are thinking i'm a student and way younger then i am. today,my uber driver thought so and said i have a baby face.
-kindness
-finishing the questions for the illustrator for my 2nd business thing i do
-coming clean to my therapist today about the truth of my living situation and how well it went,and that she didnt think it that odd.
-seeing energy shift about the thing that happened last week that was awful. M's husband is already sounding different in wording and also suggesting he might call up his son's girlfriend and try talking to her. he also seems to kind think the way i do now about things such as sh(girlfriend) is jealous of me,and about how M is being to me.
-deep cleansing breaths
-cleaning up my dishes
-shopping.i am addicted. today,i ended up buying some lysine chews for the cats,some blue lotus chocolate,herbal tinctures i've been out of,and nail polish from a brand i've wanted to try.i wanted to buy more but resisted and instead just spent time browsing and pinning items i liked on pinterest.
-uber
-laughing
-that i don't work until evening tomorrow
-confirming some jobs for june
-sending out a bunch of emails for jobs last night
-doing more studying
-staying calm and working on doing inner shifting
-my phone
-how cuddly W cat is. he is the fluffiest cat and has a warm energy despite sometimes having a very aloof face expression. i love to pick him up and hug him.
-social media
-pictures
-spices
-empathy
-seeing W cat,and P cat today and it looked even more like they are a cat couple. she keeps following him around and today i caught her roll down in front of him and show him her neck and then he licked it. about ten minutes later,they were both on top of the scaffold laying together. They are both spayed and neutered. It makes me think maybe cats do have relationships. I've seen several of my cats pair off and forge different bonds with the others. ever since my outdoor cats came into my life,i have learned so much about cats. Like,dad cat is the only cat i've never seen mom cat hiss or growl at,even though she is very much the boss. W cat and E cat seem to be practically soulmates,the way they are. For awhile,it seemed P cat and E cat were having fights,and then her and W cat,but now she's just always around the both of them. Half the time the cats go to somewhere else,where i'm guessing is where the dad cat likes to be and the other half of the time they are in/near the yard where we feed them and have shelters. Mom cat has brought the cats the more domesticated side and dad cat has brought them their more feral side..though dad cat is the nicer one,and mom cat is the mean one.
-getting E cat almost in the house. It was weird. I opened the door and P cat got curious and kept looking in and then E cat was by her and did the same thing and started looking and coming closer like he almost was about to walk in. This would've been very bizarre as he is the most feral all the kids and mom and he's the only one besides dad i've never been able to pet or pick up.
-quiet
-sertraline. though,i do think i have actually gotten just the slightest bit spacey since starting it.
-hip openers
-having goals
-how much my resume has improved since this time last year
-being able to make a positive difference
-discovering new things
-animal lovers
-southern california
-the industries i work in

[buttercup]

I'm staying strong but some moments of the day I feel powerless as if it's literally in my core,my solar plexus. When I felt myself shifting out of my vibe earlier,I made sure to practice telepathy on the way to work and it helped me get back up again.
-stretching
-body movement
-my eyeglasses
-working today
-my job making me feel more attractive. when a bunch of hot guys want to take a picture with you,and say things like can it be on their facebook,it's bound to make you feel a little better about yourself.
-getting another check in the mail today
-getting two free shirts from work today
-having been getting more independent in this last year
-soda
-water
-makeup
-my heart chakra spray
-uber
-my escentric 02 fragrance,it's been my favorite of the moment
-all my outdoor cats
-ordering some dinner out today for delivery
-TV episode online
-sleep
-naps
-sertraline
-warm weather today
-sunshine
-nightskies
-having this really weird experience AGAIN that's kind of trippy-today,I seen dad cat and he looked different again. NOT the cat who we keep thinking is him that lost a lot of weight lately. This one lets us get a little closer to him,but still very feral and he's bigger like we remember dad being,with more of a golden look to some of his brown. So,who the heck is that cat we keep seeing who we think is dad cat that we thought lost weight that some of the kid cats go by? I remember recently thinking when seeing that cat gosh,S kitten(who went missing) looks exactly like dad. She always has looked like dad,but that cat made me think especially so. So,is this S kitten? I had been praying and affirming we'd find her andshe'd find her way home. I even had a serendipity thing that sometimes happen before manifestations where a similar or minor version happens before it,and we did some across a friendly tiger print cat who came to our yard twice about a month ago or so.This one had some white on it so we knew it wasn't her. This cat looks exactly like dad,but smaller and S kitten would've gotten bigger by now,and some of our cats have been going by the cat. When she returned she could've easily returned to the 2nd home spot mom cat has which is somewhere across the alley wherever dad goes. Half our cats spend more time there. If it had been months,she could've just felt too scared to start coming up to us again. She always was a more timid one then my T kitten. The cats all always go back and forth who they bond most with,too. It's always seemed like the more feral of our cats go more by dad and the softer ones stay in our yard more. Unless this is just some weird matrix glitch but my mind was blown when I seen dad cat in yard. It was NOT the same skinny cat I had kept seeing. I had been feeling worry for months hoping the cat I thought was dad was ok because he had looked skinnier. Plus,this cat has been around...kinda often. Won't eat around us but probably does eat. Dad cat is a lot more irregular with how often he comes around.
-fashion
-bars
-fun
-hot guys
-dimmer lights
-kindness
-slowness
-confirming 2 jobs today
-pictures
-more signs M's husband is on my side
-heels
-love
-trying on my new mint green hoodie and how great it made my skin look
-my curves

[buttercup]

-physical exercise
-cleaning the room
-the color blue
-sertraline
-my bed
-sleep
-having some positive dreams..i had two dreams very randomly of L,the L i liked who seemed very interested then uninterested and cocky, contacting me
-confirming a job today
-rest
-style
-my phone
-the internet
-technology