I'm having problems with persistent rage, please read and advise

[buzzcock]

I had a long relationship that was unhealthy and abusive on both sides and it ended a year ago. I was very overcome with anger and sadness for the time of it but have been feeling much better all year and especially for the past 4-5 months, even seeing my ex socially and feeling calm and forgetting. Anyway, I had some arguements with my ex last week and the rage has just come flooding back, I feel incapacitated, just overcome with rage and walking round my own apartment spitting, swearing, hitting walls. I haven't been like this for a long time. We have children and I was angry in front of them and not caring

also, I had a dream a few months ago that ..well I was with a youth worker I used to know and look up to, and he was talking to me calmly, and suddenly, I heard this beautiful music, (like choir singing but not human, like a guitar choir singing or something in ringing notes) and this kind of light ray of power swept over me. And, I could see and feel cracks and holes in my spirit being filled in by the light. I felt like I had been full of holes that got refilled. I felt better after dream for months. But now I feel back to how I was before and weaker.

Also, I was worried doing Tarot again was making it happen, as I used to enjoy tarot and I tried it again recently. I even did a tarot that made me feel peaceful and spiritual before my big rage. So I can't understand how i could go from being high on a peaceful tarot experience to raging, unless tarot was bad and leading me into untrustworthy states of weakness like a drug high would.

[CFTraveler]

Or, it reminded you of something that happened *way back* when you were doing tarot.

[Dreamweaver]

Relationship patterns are interdependent behavioral patterns - established and repeated in allostasis. What this means is interactions will be set and repeated according to observable, predictable, cyclical pattens. Your old behavior was likely triggered by old thoughts and feelings coming up again in response to exposure to your ex.

to stop the cycle I recommend individual counseling - all the better to increase awareness of the relationship between one's self-talk, and the feelings and behaviors that are associated and automatically arise from those assumptions (self-talk).

here's a saying I like - you don't have to believe everything you think or feel and you always have a choice about what you do.

[buzzcock]

thanks everyone. Basically I let her rage at me a lot and take out her feelings on me and scare me when she was going through a rough time and I thought I was being strong. Then when I couldn't take anymore I started raging back and being aggressive. I wasn't being strong, I was just storing up experiences that were driving me nuts.

[ButterflyWoman]

Basically I let her rage at me a lot and take out her feelings on me and scare me when she was going through a rough time and I thought I was being strong. Then when I couldn't take anymore I started raging back and being aggressive. I wasn't being strong, I was just storing up experiences that were driving me nuts.

You just described my relationship with my ex. When he cracked, he actually used to take delight in frightening and hurting me (he knew I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and used that against me), got physically violent, had me committed to the psych ward, tried to get me evicted (after he'd moved out) and turned into a stalker. I understand, with a couple of decades of hindsight, that he was just unable to cope with the changes I was undergoing (I was a complete wreck, and I really can't say I fault him for finding it all too much), due to his own pain (not all from me!) and his lack of coping skills. It was a really bad, nasty situation from every side. I was horrible (was undergoing what might be called a complete breakdown, but which I now recognise as part of a complete transformation, which was badly needed), he became horrible when it was too much for him to bear any more and his OWN issues started to surface in big ways.

I believe he got some benefit from counselling. He eventually married his ex-girlfriend and I understand they had a child, but that's the extent of my knowledge. He did seem somewhat calmer and more compassionate toward me the last time I saw him (in court, as a matter of fact).

[buzzcock]

You just described my relationship with my ex. When he cracked, he actually used to take delight in frightening and hurting me (he knew I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and used that against me), got physically violent, had me committed to the psych ward, tried to get me evicted (after he'd moved out) and turned into a stalker. I understand, with a couple of decades of hindsight, that he was just unable to cope with the changes I was undergoing (I was a complete wreck, and I really can't say I fault him for finding it all too much), due to his own pain (not all from me!) and his lack of coping skills. It was a really bad, nasty situation from every side. I was horrible (was undergoing what might be called a complete breakdown, but which I now recognise as part of a complete transformation, which was badly needed), he became horrible when it was too much for him to bear any more and his OWN issues started to surface in big ways.

I believe he got some benefit from counselling. He eventually married his ex-girlfriend and I understand they had a child, but that's the extent of my knowledge. He did seem somewhat calmer and more compassionate toward me the last time I saw him (in court, as a matter of fact).

that sounds just like whats going on with me. I am doing all the same things as your ex. I am very grateful for any advise and guidance. Thanks all.

[ButterflyWoman]

I am very grateful for any advise and guidance.

Basically: This isn't about her, it's all about you. Your stuff, your pain, your anger, your issues. You know this, but it helps to really own that. What she did or didn't do just triggered your stuff (I'm not defending her, as I have no idea what the situation was/is). So you need to find your stuff and fix it.

Sounds totally simple, yeah? That's where a counsellor can help you sort it out and get to the root of the pain. I can pretty much guarantee you that it's a lot deeper than your bad relationship with your ex, because that kind of rage is something that takes a long, long time to build up (for what it's worth, I had rage issues, too), but working through these things can be really difficult. It's hard to even know where to start.

I wish healing for you, and for your ex, for both your sakes and the sake of your children.

[buzzcock]

thank you very much. Yeah, I have a lot of sadness about life. i had a rough time with parents and their problems in childhood. I've been trying to practise self help and spiritual/occult for years. anyway thanks.

[John Sorensen]

It takes a lot of effort to work through any kind of personal issues, alone it is hard enough, when it involves someone we have been intimate with, it is even harder.

But it is worth the effort, so keep doing whatever is working for you.

Remember to forgive not only others, but your Self too. Forgiveness, in my view should complement (but not replace) any other practice you go through, be it your personal practice, or seeing any type of professional.

When we allow forgiveness in ourselves, the hurt is still there, but we can bear it a little better, and after some time, we can see our hurt as just an experience, it is not who we are, but what we are witnessing.

[ButterflyWoman]

i had a rough time with parents and their problems in childhood.

Yeah, you and me, both.

One other thing that occurs to me is that you need to do some tie-cutting and shielding, specifically in response to her. Relationships of any sort create psychic/emotional bonds. Those can linger long after the relationship has ended, and it can be worse if you see the person regularly (though separation is no guarantee). You may need to do a tie-cutting/shielding routine daily (even more than once a day) for a while. I had to do this with my parents, and certainly with my ex.

I find it interesting that I can speak civilly to you and even with compassion. I probably wouldn't have much for my ex were I to speak to him again. Even many years of separation, completely new lives, and great distance hasn't really made me feel very kindly to him. The best I can manage is to acknowledge my very real part in the situation (whether or not I was doing it purposefully) and that I hurt him deeply and profoundly, and I actually am sorry for that much. But I still regard him in a less than charitable way, unfortunately. Until pretty recently, I was still having nightmares of him now and then. So this kind of relationship can have some very deep tendrils, it would seem...

This is clearly an area where I need to have greater healing. I don't need to hold these resentments any more. It only drags me down. *sigh* Life can be stupidly complicated sometimes.

Anyway, I still wish you well. And soon, I hope to be able to say the same about my ex.