I'm having problems with persistent rage, please read and advise

[buzzcock]

I had a long relationship that was unhealthy and abusive on both sides and it ended a year ago. I was very overcome with anger and sadness for the time of it but have been feeling much better all year and especially for the past 4-5 months, even seeing my ex socially and feeling calm and forgetting. Anyway, I had some arguements with my ex last week and the rage has just come flooding back, I feel incapacitated, just overcome with rage and walking round my own apartment spitting, swearing, hitting walls. I haven't been like this for a long time. We have children and I was angry in front of them and not caring

also, I had a dream a few months ago that ..well I was with a youth worker I used to know and look up to, and he was talking to me calmly, and suddenly, I heard this beautiful music, (like choir singing but not human, like a guitar choir singing or something in ringing notes) and this kind of light ray of power swept over me. And, I could see and feel cracks and holes in my spirit being filled in by the light. I felt like I had been full of holes that got refilled. I felt better after dream for months. But now I feel back to how I was before and weaker.

Also, I was worried doing Tarot again was making it happen, as I used to enjoy tarot and I tried it again recently. I even did a tarot that made me feel peaceful and spiritual before my big rage. So I can't understand how i could go from being high on a peaceful tarot experience to raging, unless tarot was bad and leading me into untrustworthy states of weakness like a drug high would.

[CFTraveler]

Or, it reminded you of something that happened *way back* when you were doing tarot.

[Dreamweaver]

Relationship patterns are interdependent behavioral patterns - established and repeated in allostasis. What this means is interactions will be set and repeated according to observable, predictable, cyclical pattens. Your old behavior was likely triggered by old thoughts and feelings coming up again in response to exposure to your ex.

to stop the cycle I recommend individual counseling - all the better to increase awareness of the relationship between one's self-talk, and the feelings and behaviors that are associated and automatically arise from those assumptions (self-talk).

here's a saying I like - you don't have to believe everything you think or feel and you always have a choice about what you do.

[buzzcock]

thanks everyone. Basically I let her rage at me a lot and take out her feelings on me and scare me when she was going through a rough time and I thought I was being strong. Then when I couldn't take anymore I started raging back and being aggressive. I wasn't being strong, I was just storing up experiences that were driving me nuts.

[ButterflyWoman]

Basically I let her rage at me a lot and take out her feelings on me and scare me when she was going through a rough time and I thought I was being strong. Then when I couldn't take anymore I started raging back and being aggressive. I wasn't being strong, I was just storing up experiences that were driving me nuts.

You just described my relationship with my ex. When he cracked, he actually used to take delight in frightening and hurting me (he knew I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and used that against me), got physically violent, had me committed to the psych ward, tried to get me evicted (after he'd moved out) and turned into a stalker. I understand, with a couple of decades of hindsight, that he was just unable to cope with the changes I was undergoing (I was a complete wreck, and I really can't say I fault him for finding it all too much), due to his own pain (not all from me!) and his lack of coping skills. It was a really bad, nasty situation from every side. I was horrible (was undergoing what might be called a complete breakdown, but which I now recognise as part of a complete transformation, which was badly needed), he became horrible when it was too much for him to bear any more and his OWN issues started to surface in big ways.

I believe he got some benefit from counselling. He eventually married his ex-girlfriend and I understand they had a child, but that's the extent of my knowledge. He did seem somewhat calmer and more compassionate toward me the last time I saw him (in court, as a matter of fact).

[buzzcock]

You just described my relationship with my ex. When he cracked, he actually used to take delight in frightening and hurting me (he knew I had Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and used that against me), got physically violent, had me committed to the psych ward, tried to get me evicted (after he'd moved out) and turned into a stalker. I understand, with a couple of decades of hindsight, that he was just unable to cope with the changes I was undergoing (I was a complete wreck, and I really can't say I fault him for finding it all too much), due to his own pain (not all from me!) and his lack of coping skills. It was a really bad, nasty situation from every side. I was horrible (was undergoing what might be called a complete breakdown, but which I now recognise as part of a complete transformation, which was badly needed), he became horrible when it was too much for him to bear any more and his OWN issues started to surface in big ways.

I believe he got some benefit from counselling. He eventually married his ex-girlfriend and I understand they had a child, but that's the extent of my knowledge. He did seem somewhat calmer and more compassionate toward me the last time I saw him (in court, as a matter of fact).

that sounds just like whats going on with me. I am doing all the same things as your ex. I am very grateful for any advise and guidance. Thanks all.

[ButterflyWoman]

I am very grateful for any advise and guidance.

Basically: This isn't about her, it's all about you. Your stuff, your pain, your anger, your issues. You know this, but it helps to really own that. What she did or didn't do just triggered your stuff (I'm not defending her, as I have no idea what the situation was/is). So you need to find your stuff and fix it.

Sounds totally simple, yeah? That's where a counsellor can help you sort it out and get to the root of the pain. I can pretty much guarantee you that it's a lot deeper than your bad relationship with your ex, because that kind of rage is something that takes a long, long time to build up (for what it's worth, I had rage issues, too), but working through these things can be really difficult. It's hard to even know where to start.

I wish healing for you, and for your ex, for both your sakes and the sake of your children.

[Dreamweaver]

Being strong and holding stuff in is completely overrated. One can't expect that trauma and drama won't transfer from person to person. I hope you find the right environment to heal - you and your kids deserve it.

[buzzcock]

I live on the top floor of a 3 floor apartment building. the 2 couples beneath me are loudly arguing for past few weeks. I feel like I'm on top of some column of anger. And I worry...(mad thinking...) I caused it, as I project my emotions and thoughts sometimes. also I'm tired from it keeping me up. their thick cannabis smoke blowing up past the window makes me feel dizzy too. I feel sad and tired. But, maybe with potential strenth and improvement.

[IA56]

I live on the top floor of a 3 floor apartment building. the 2 couples beneath me are loudly arguing for past few weeks. I feel like I'm on top of some column of anger. And I worry...(mad thinking...) I caused it, as I project my emotions and thoughts sometimes. also I'm tired from it keeping me up. their thick cannabis smoke blowing up past the window makes me feel dizzy too. I feel sad and tired. But, maybe with potential strenth and improvement.

Dear buzzcock,

When there is misuse of anykind, there will Always be anger and low entities feeding on them.
You must understand that you are not causing theires problems, they have their own issues to solve, and you have yours.
Make sure to keep your cool and you have a good opportuinty to observe your fear and make it lesser, but if you all the time go into guilt thinking you are the cause, that is a big mistake, drop the guilt and be realistic about the reality, and take care of yourself, and stop focusing on others.
Be sure you do not misuse any substanses and you give yourself a good chance to heal your own hurt, tell yourself that you are ok and a good person, I Think you are, and you will lesser the guilt and fear to a level where you can see yourself clearer.

Love
ia