Hey guys! Long time!

I woke up the other morning with an idea to seek advice from those here at AD in the forefront of my mind, I had no notion at the time what I wanted to ask. I am taking this just as an expression of a desire for assistance, which is, lately, something I feel I need.

I've been sitting on that for a few days but today I think I would actually like to get my thoughts out and into the open someplace(so why not here?), and if you're keen, some feedback on them

In short, I am unhappy right now. Why am I unhappy? Well, most of it comes directly from the impact that failing to fulfill my responsibilities has on the people around me, mostly the family I live with as I usually dont see other family and friends for months on end apart from brief occasions now and then. I say unhappy 'now', because I am aware that due to circumstance (unemployed, live in a rural region, patient family) I am shielded from much stress that I would otherwise be coping with. Its become apparent to me that I've slowly settled into a way of life that hides from myself, my own deficiency to live independantly, and because of that I wouldn't say I'm depressed, because I'm not sad(usually). I persist each day, some are good some are lost causes, to complete the usuall tasks. Alot of the time though I default to thoughtless consumption, my motivation ebbs and flows. Even then It's a toss-up whether I'll act on a thought. When I'm aware, roused from blindness say, by discussion with my Mum about my dependance on her I find this shocking. I try to do the best I can but when the covers are ripped off it hurts to see. I have been stuck in this funk for years and have been making strides so when I fell back into it recently my desire to speed change grew, I dont want to keep letting my family down.

I think it would not be ideal if it were possible to live simply while not being a burden to those around me. Even though I have gravitated towards that lifestyle in the past, I now seek another way. In super scientific terms, I want to turn up the knob on engaging with my existence.

How do I do that though? I dont remember making the decision to disengage.

I do remember times of total utter givieupness(real word) back when I was in high school driven by depression and anxiety which I had been experiencing on and off beforhand. Though, did the depression come first followed by disengagement or the other way 'round? Did I create habits that weren't serving me well? I guess the question is did I have any thing to be depressed about at that time or beforehand?

I'm not expecting any type of response and I may be barking up the wrong tree sharing all of this with you but I thought since you're a nice bunch I would see what you have to say if anything, about my situation, perhaps you have some experience here. I'm just begining(again) to work my way out of this hole and just to let you know I am also thinking of seeking clinical help.

Thanks,
Phoenix