Phoenix's Journal

[PhoenixAndTheAbyss]

22 May 2017, 6:00pm

I had another nice day today, I didn't feel restless about lacking motivation, and still managed to do some things without any real pressure. I'm realising that getting bent out of shape about my spotty motivation was not helping the situation, I've noticed today, and previously, that I do have little bursts throughout the day where I have a bit of energy to get something done, I'm noticing as well that these moments can get drowned out if my mind is really busy or I don't take the time to relax or calm my thoughts.

I spent more of today than yesterday doing tasks and it didn't feel overwhelming, I fixed up the animals in the morning like I always do then cooked breakfast, I added a feature to the journaling program I am building and using, to output the contents of the journal so that I could post the entry I wrote last night online. The program is in the early stages but it's functional, well the important bits are. I even went for a walk, all the sitting recently has made my muscles sore so I thought I should get the blood pumping before I have a stroke or something from being so sedentry, and that was nice. Also did a few more loads of washing, cleaned up the dog poops on the deck and then fixed up the animals again this evening. I'm not doing everything that I think to do but I am just happy to be getting some things done without much fuss. Between all that I took the liberty of sitting about and relaxing without feeling like I was going to get caught out for being so lazy. During this time was when I'd suddenly think of something that needed doing and I'd sit with it for a bit then I'd be up and at it, it was magical but something I've experienced infrequently in the past.

Something that I experience often but have been paying more attention to today and yesterday, is a sudden feeling of needing something, well that is pretty broad but I mentioned it in yesterdays journal entry as a feeling of wanting to be entertained, and that can take the form of watching a video from a favorite youtuber or movie, or just browsing the web reading about things that interest me. Potentialy anything that is not what I'm currently doing, and this feeling is stronger when I'm having a rough time, I think psychology calls it task avoidance behavior. I don't think seeking entertainment is inherently wrong but I do have a pattern of spending large amounts of time doing these things that essentially amount to nothing, but hey, I feel it's a coping strategy for a seemingly dysfunctional way of functioning in life. The reason I bring this up is because I noticed today and yesterday that the feeling wasn't as strong and I could sit there with it and it would sort of, pass on. I was sitting at the time and sure it's not the most exiting thing, was relaxing though, I get the feeling to check on the post I made online not half an hour before even though I was almost certain no one would have looked at it yet, I'm not sure why these moments are so enticing, maybe it's a dopamine thing, or is it seratonin? Anyway I guess it is a promising thing that they didn't have such a hold on me. And I resisted the temptations even though I'm not sure they represent a threat to my two day peace or not What is so wrong about the current moment that I have to stop and do something else anyway? When does accepting the current moment become non-acceptance of the next, I cant really get my head around that.

One of the reasons that I am aware of for wanting to stay away from letting loose on the internet: social media, entertainment platforms and such is because I can start to get a bit fancifull, is that a word? Maybe it's the wrong word. I mean that my fantisies can get away from me and take on a bit of a life of there own, and perhaps It's related to what I mentioned before about not feeling the best and almost certainly related to my sense of purposelesness (okay that's for sure not a word) though that sense has largely diminished as I've gotten more comfortable with the idea, it does flare up from time to time. These fantasies, while nice, and... orienting, don't last long and can send me a bit off course. I'd like to keep things simple right now, without the ping ponging between the fantasy of the week.

I've been cooking more food for myself too which is a plus.