Hello.

I came over a very useful exercise in John Selby's book "Quiet Your Mind" which I wanted to share. It is a process of uncovering a personal belief or emotional/mental pattern and challenging it, here adapted to anger:

Quote Originally Posted by John Selby
De-Beliefing Step 1:

First of all, state clearly who you're angry at and why. Express the underlying thoughts that are generating anger. For example: "I'm angry at Philip because what he said last night hurt my feelings." Ideally write your statement down.

[...]

De-Beliefing Step 2:

The second step is to honestly question whether the statement, and the beliefs behind the statement, are true. Why "should" another person behave the way we want them to? And why "should" they be held responsible for our feelings, if we're the ones thinking the thoughts that make us feel bad?

[...]

De-Beliefing Step 3:

The third step in the process is to ask, "How might I be benefiting, from believing that my reaction is valid?"

[...]

De-Beliefing Step 4:

The fourth step in this process is to ask, "How is my life being upset or even damaged by holding onto the belief that someone has wronged me?"

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De-Beliefing Step 5:

The fifth step, the primary provoker of rapid insight and "letting go", involves asking the question "How would my life change if I let go of the belief that this person wronged me?".
(John Selby, "Quiet Your Mind", pp. 83-85, Rider, 2004)

As simple as it may seem, you should put some effort into it, especially into looking into the other person's point of view in step 2. You don't have to adopt it, just see whether from their assumptions it has validity and if they could have acted differently. What was really disappointing - the person reacting according to an innate pattern we knew the person had or that the person violated our expectations, hopes, wishes?

The basic assumption is that we often cannot another person, but achieve a realistic relationship - to the person and to our own wishes, expectations and perceptions, which we can change.

I applied this process to an anger problem in my mind, with not much immediate change. Days later however I recognised how the anger had lessened by a good degree. It seems to untangle the emotional knot, loosen the ends, and start healing through inner insight.

Hope you find it useful, too. The book is chock-full of useful stuff like this, and also has detailed examples.

Oliver