Why can't I love?

[Chris_com28]

I used to be able to feel love. Now I feel only hate. I try to pretend that I'm happy but I still feel the hate insiode my heart. You know what annoys be the most. The word love. I hate it. I hate the way I can't stand it. I hate the way I've been betrayed by it. It's come to the point that it makes me feel physically sick. I feel words come to my mind that don't feel like mine. I'm always hating and the word "love" just makes me hate more. Is there anyone else that feels like me or am I alone with this? I hear about how great this emotion is and how cleansing it is but all I feel is betrayal.

PS: I am a bit drunk but I need to get this off my chest.

[sleeper]

It's a really good thing that you said it; it's actually really hard to admit things like that.

Dealing with the things that caused you so much pain will take time and be hard, so don't worry about rushing through that stuff. When you feel like the anger is taking over, remember that it takes more effort to harbor resentment towards people than to let go of it. While you certainly have good reasons to have gotten angry in the past, you have good or better reasons to have a fulfilled life now.

[Tom]

My guess is that most people using the word "love" don't even really know what it means. What really bites is thinking that everyone else has something you're missing out on and that you have to have it, too, to have a meaningful existence. Just keep in mind that this is not so.

[Chris_com28]

Thanks for replying. It means a lot for me right now

The thing is that I've delt with the pain and want to be through with it. I want to rush through it because I'm sick of feeling numb inside.

When you feel like the anger is taking over, remember that it takes more effort to harbor resentment towards people than to let go of it.

I would disagree. I mean I hate all the time now. It's like I'm not even myself. It's easier for me to hate, which is why I do it. I feel that love has let me down. I came to this company (it's a long story) with open arms in hope that they would help me. It turns out that they don't give a s*** about me and only care about profit (to bribe polititions no doubt).

[My guess is that most people using the word "love" don't even really know what it means. /quote]
I think you're right. There are two kinds. The kind of love that is expressed if you're following the line you're supposed to form. And there's the kind of love that has no such conditions. I think I know what kind of love you mean. I've felt something like it before, but I fall so quickly. I've felt the bliss of channeling reiki. It's the closest I can get the the kind of love that people describe. Then the next day i feel like ♥♥♥♥. Right now having reiki sessions is the only thing that keeps me from hating. Everytime I wake up I think about how much I hate people. It just doesn't seem like the person I should be, but it's how I feel inside.


[quote:3trgmt65][What really bites is thinking that everyone else has something you're missing out on and that you have to have it, too, to have a meaningful existence. Just keep in mind that this is not so./quote]
What do you mean? I really feel like I'm missing out on something. I want to be happy. i Want to have a wife or at least a girlfriend, but the fact that my heart is as dead as a dodo (sorry for the cliche) makes me think I'll be for the rest of my life, feeling like s*** and occiasionallly posting on forums my twisted problems.

[quote:3trgmt65]What really bites is thinking that everyone else has something you're missing out on and that you have to have it, too, to have a meaningful existence. Just keep in mind that this is not so.

[/quote:3trgmt65][/quote:3trgmt65]
Well I think they do. I can't read their minds but they seem pretty normal to me. I mean It's like I'm the only person who got their heart broken. Any happiness is short loved and I'm just waiting for a reason to hate. I'm just hoping that there's a way out of this cycle of hate.

[Chris_com28]

I'm not asking for someone to help me. I know that willl be too much. I'm just hoping that people willl sympathise with how I feel inside. Being drunk had nothing to do with it, it just allowed me to exress how I feel inside. I feel only hate and I feel it's their fualt. I had hope and they replaced it with hate. They put a blokage in everything and offer no appology in return. Everything they offer is an empty promise.

I'll think I'lll call it a night now. Good night.

[ButterflyWoman]

Hate is just a form of anger, and in almost every case, anger has its roots in fear. Underneath all of it, you are fearful of something, probably of several kinds of something. Only you know what the fears are.

I can tell you some of the fears I've had to deal with that made me hateful and angry, if it will help.

Fear of rejection, fear that I really am unlovable, fear that I really am worthless, fear that I am helpless, fear that I am without power, fear that I will be abused/hurt.

Other emotions included shame, in the form of guilt and humiliation.

Once I addressed these things, and really, all I had to do was find them and acknowledge them and then desire and intend to let them go, there was healing. It's not always immediate, though it can be. Sometimes it takes a while to heal, but with true desire and intention to let these things go and heal, you will.

I could write a big essay about the difference between the emotion that people call "love", which is really just "strong like" in almost every case, though sometimes with other stuff thrown in like concern, desire, affection, etc., and true, spiritual love (which is not an emotion but the energy of Source), but I'll save that for another time.

For now, know that your hatred and anger is based on fear. This is always the case. Always. Get rid of the fear, you WILL start to heal. Take that from someone who spent most of her life filled with rage... (thankfully, I'm not that any more, though I still have my moments of falling back into old habits and I can get pretty bitchy ).

I'm just hoping that people willl sympathise with how I feel inside. Being drunk had nothing to do with it, it just allowed me to exress how I feel inside. I feel only hate and I feel it's their fualt. I had hope and they replaced it with hate. They put a blokage in everything and offer no appology in return. Everything they offer is an empty promise.

Sounds like my parents. Took years of work to overcome the damage they did. I still have to work at it, and I'm 44 years old now.

And I do sympathise, and empathise, as well.

[Chris_com28]

I guess the real fear is that people will betray my love and trust and turn it into feelings of hate.

Fear of rejection, fear that I really am unlovable, fear that I really am worthless, fear that I am helpless, fear that I am without power, fear that I will be abused/hurt.

Other emotions included shame, in the form of guilt and humiliation.

Thats pretty much how I feel, but shame is more in the solar plexus to me. It maks me have confidence.

I could write a big essay about the difference between the emotion that people call "love", which is really just "strong like" in almost every case, though sometimes with other stuff thrown in like concern, desire, affection, etc., and true, spiritual love (which is not an emotion but the energy of Source), but I'll save that for another time.

I think that would actuallly help if you made a post devoted to that (for othet people aswell). I'm starting to think that there's a conspiracy to think of love as merely a set of chaines to hold you down. I really can't destinguish between the two.


[quote][Sounds like my parents. Took years of work to overcome the damage they did. I still have to work at it, and I'm 44 years old now. /quote]
Just like my parents as well. At least they seem to be fighting my side, but for so long they took the side of the enemy. Each time it sent a splinter into my heart. They've ignored so much of my pain. I'm sorry for feeling like this but I feel totally f****ed by everyone.

It feels great that someone else emapthysis with me. It's just a shame that I'm probably going to wake with a throbing headache and a hate big enough to consume the Earth. Thanks for being there.

[ButterflyWoman]

They've ignored so much of my pain. I'm sorry for feeling like this but I feel totally f****ed by everyone.

You don't have to be sorry. Just be willing to release it. It will take time. I understand PERFECTLY what you're saying, and I've been there and done that. On rare occasions, I still get a bit close to feeling that way, actually.

It feels great that someone else emapthysis with me. It's just a shame that I'm probably going to wake with a throbing headache and a hate big enough to consume the Earth. Thanks for being there.

You're welcome. Actually, when I opened this post I got a big wave of dizziness and just the edge of what might be nausea. Typically, this is how I feel when I have too much to drink. So the empathy is obviously really there! LOL!

[Chris_com28]

Well I feel much better now. I feel a bit ood for opening myself up like this, but I'm glad people have been understanding. I just hope people understand when I act like a ba****d because of this. I just turn cold evey now and again and sometimes say things that I probably shouldn't have said. Well my heart chakra seems fine right now. Sometimes it feels so dead that I want to rip it out, but it's been feeling good the past few days.

The things is that I've been trying to release it for some time now. It seems it doesn't want to go. I remember once I got rid of my phonophobia (it's one of the causes of my problems) and my OCD brought it back. It probably means I have to gain some control over my OCD first. Sometimes I wonder if it's karmic; there's some reason for me being like this, for me to learn something. Well I guess it will probably go some how. It's just dealing with the pain right now. Some times it gets too much.

Actually, when I opened this post I got a big wave of dizziness and just the edge of what might be nausea. Typically, this is how I feel when I have too much to drink. So the empathy is obviously really there! LOL!

Lol. Actually I was feeling sick then. It was the reason I left the club, (I wasn't really in the mood for dancing, I just though it might help me forget my troubles) as I didn't want to look an idiot with all them people around. Though I think the nausea may be due to stress. I've had that before. I've felt so sick in the heart that I wan't to be sick.

I've had similar experiences before. It's pretty interesting. I once made the correct guest that someone was really tired when they made a post. It was quite funny as whenever I read it I felt like the person was falling asleep.

So you sometimes feel the same? I guess it's normal for a lot of people. It's good that you managed to get better from it. I guess I'm a lot better than what I used to be, though I think it's partly that I'm suppressing my rage or that it fades to hate and resentment.

[wstein]

I find that this kind of 'hate' (with rejection of love) is sometimes fueled by (being) hurt. Sometimes hurt is expressed as hate when we are unable to face the cause of that hurt. In a sense, one is screaming in pain. In cases like this its not really about love or hate. If this is resonating for you, try to gently consider who hurt you and how.