GRATITUDE LIST

[buttercup]

-last night at the end finding the little positive little by little and raising up the emotional guidance scale clearing my perceptions of things,healing them a little and feeling better. thank god,i felt like i wanted to die yesterday.
-deciding to text D because a friend kept saying things driving me crazy and making me think i don't want to lose him and feeling turned on by D so i did
-making my first fake check in last night so it would look less odd that i texted D at that hour and he'd assume it was because i was out.
-deciding to then text D telling him how i feel and communicate that
-grape juice
-feeling spoiled today with people feeling bad for me when i dropped the pie i made and getting a heater brought to me when my heat was broke and no one came to fix it and getting a gas station apple pie brought to me since my pie fell.i didn't need the heater or the other pie. but i'm thankful for it.
-my cleavage
-feeling soft,feminine,and for some weird reason since last night,very maternal which has been weirding me out
-craving surrendering
-opening myself up more to my sexual desires and feeling sexy
-a vegan thanksgiving meal
-soft,sweet love music
-D deciding to text me a pic of him and his family at thanksgiving today for some reason after being short with me when i told him how i feel and not getting the hint
-positive tarot readings,though i should really cut out reading them
-a meetup i can go to this weekend,or meetup with D. i'm conflicted still.
-being tan
-my desires
-dreaming more
-memories
-feelings and letting myself cry
-meditation
-solutions
-taking it easy today
-feeling better today despite how emotional i felt,and a little crazy,it felt better then yesterday's feeling of wanting to die
-blogging
-for some reason D telling me today he's thankful he got to know me this way.i think he's just taking the whole thanksgiving thing a little too seriously
-rest and laying down
-my childish side
-the quiet
-makeup
-my hair being done and styled
-having two skinny days in a row
-beauty
-feeling peaceful somehow now all of a sudden

[buttercup]

-sleep
-heat getting fixed this morning
-peppermint mocha latte today
-posting a new pic on instagram,getting more comfortable expressing myself
-exploring
-after being catty with D yesterday all day and night,then finally calming down and being more normal i decided to text him before bed telling we meet this weekend or we don't meet at all and this is his last chance and he can pick the day.at first he just responded literally with only ok which was very odd response from him he's never been that way then few hours later asking if i have plans set for this weekend to which isay i do and asking him why and getting more catty with him and him suggesting a different day then what i thought we originally said as an option last week but that could be because i had told him i had something that day and maybe me giving him options that were different then last time made that better for him. he claimed his brother came into town for a surprise visit but we could still do the day we had said or the other day. i sense he may be lying,idk but i said we can just do the new day and i said he seems to have a resistance and he claiming he doesn't think he's nervous and i told him he can pick the place and he suggested a half way point which i found really thoughtful since way back when we first started talking,i suggested that so it shows he is paying more attention to me then he lets on and also shows he isn't trying to necessarily get me into bed with him since a lot of guys try to pick places right in their neighborhood so it's easy after meeting to get you to go back to their place.
-finally deciding to tell best friend i've still been talking to D and telling him most of what's gone on and how much has changed since the last a little over a week. it felt good to let it out verbally and helped me get perspective. i seen how it makes sense that D is legit and means what he has said to me coming out with his feelings and after our fight on sunday morning he felt embarrassed and awkward from that one thing and so probably was slightly unsure if we would still meet up this week. then,when i ignored his text on wed evening from being mad at him,that may have been him planning to update me about our plans for this week,maybe late of him to do but he did contact me that day i just got mad and feeling worry that i ignored him until the middle of the night wednesday and early am where i let it all out. from there he had said he had hoped for saturday but i was catty all day telling him were never going to end up meeting to finally before bed telling him we better this weekend to which he gets weird on me after i suggested either saturday or sunday. maybe he was weird because i suggested a different day then original so was mirroring me,maybe also me suggesting sunday made him see that works better for me and i told him i had plans but could cut them if we meet so maybe that is why he said sunday(i do have a feeling he works saturdays,too so maybe sunday literally is just one of his better days) but laying it all out to best friend made me see to calm down,it's only natural we were slightly awkward after fight and that i'd be nervous after all these two months and that there was some communication signals that could've made D act the way he did. so,i'm trying to trust. Best friend says it sounds like D IS nervous to meet me and is just lying when he said he doesn't think he is nervous because if he's been nervous this whole time supposedly it'd only make sense he would be nervous now a little. Best friend says he probably is just trying to be confident like he said he wants to be for me and that he thinks D meant all that he said and that I do make him really nervous.
-knowing i have healing resources available to me to boost my happiness set point
-seeing all these guys who clearly are lurking my blog regularly based on the silly things they say to me. it makes me laugh how obvious it they're reading all about me and studying me
-feeling pretty today
-having another skinny day today.i don't know why but my jeans feel looser and my stomach looks flatter and my body just feels sexier.i don't know what i'm doing. i ate a full meal yesterday,skipped protein drink,didn't drink much water,and only did half hour of yoga but it shows me happiness and feeling sexy affects your mindset enabling your body to go to it's ideal
-quantum physics
-my interests
-my hair
-resourcefulness
-becoming better at expressing myself and feelings.i kinda like it. it's actually very unlike me to express to guys how i feel and althought i sound like a clingy,insecure girlfriend,it's actually in ways helping me because usually i suffer internally waiting for guys to do what i want and make things happen and express things. maybe this is part of the soul reasons D is here. idk. all i know is i want more then some eerie digital relationship. i think this weekend should go through though.i'm trusting him. i don't think i have a reason to not trust him. talking it out with best friend just made things so clear and seeing how D and i kept getting crossed. that facebook thing literally pissed him off back when ideleted him and after that fight in october,we made up but he thought i wasn't interested because he seen ideleted him from facebook. so he got distant and weird and showed signs he was upset and stopped flirting but kept texting just acting very detached though and like he was looking for things to say then boom after my vengeance plan with those texts and him not bending when i kept acting more and more demented to creep him out to get him to take a hint,he acted like he adored me even more and more. i then lay it all out telling him how he strings me along to which he finally comes clean,starts being normal and clingy to me,adding me to facebook right away and telling me how he really feels. there may be a lot of baggage to start with,but we need to at least meet to see what this is all about.
-having a good face day
-face moisturizer
-being able to get best friend to easily agree to rearrange some things for me so D and I plans can work out smoothly
-feeling ambitious and filled with desire and dreams
-my ideas on how i want to expand myself
-feeling a sense of deep peace last night after all the weird feelings yesterday and day before
-feeling an overall sense of peace today as well. maybe this really is the calm after the storm or the calm before the storm.i just feel like everything is ok and going to work out somehow,despite any little worries and insecurities
-ballet
-being a woman,being a girl
-dance
-wanting to get out there more and go to more parties
-music i love
-my ideas
-being an interesting person
-vegan orange cake
-water
-being young and the things i'm going through. the struggles and inner turmoil and conflicts of a girl in her 20's who wants love,peace,glamour,success,fun,and to feel as beautiful as those who see her as so
-sweaters
-fashion
-patience
-my femininity
-knowing no matter what,even if for some reason idon't like D after all this,at least i'll finally know and can feel soothed from having all this connection,and attachment to someone i've only ever known of through social media and talking
-living in the city
-understanding energy more and more. learning and observing it. if i've been as crazy and attached to D as i have been,and it's not like me to be so to someone i've never met especially,i literally even feel dizzy almost from it,i'm starting to feel like it's me tuning into his energy and how he feels for me. he hides these things and attempts to but things i know for sure he is include clingy,overthinks things,and high sexual energy. considering how highly claircognizant and empathic i am,and naturally in tune with others telepathically,i probably am driven as crazy by him as i am,at least partially because i'm being fed his feelings and energy towards me. also,the tarot cards pulled show he sees me as someone he idolizes,infatuation,and spying. back when he and i became distant for all those few weeks i kept getting tarot saying assessment which made me soo insecure now i know it meant unsure if i like him and assessing that. he was literally soo awkward i could not figure out what his deal was and it didn't even make sense that it was just stringing me along because i could feel he wanted to chat with me but couldn't think of a thing to say and would test me as if trying to tell me he's upset/uncertain. it always surprises me when a grown man can be insecure of little ol me,but it's true,men are big babies.
-my internet working well today
-my desktop therapist affirmations
-in fact,as much as i'm trying to back off the tarot,all this time messing with them has has me learn more about them and what they mean from things unfolding and looking back at them so that's kind of interesting
-giving up watching TV shows online again. my mind feels much more clear from it,and much more free time.
-physical exercise
-yoga
-thinking i may do some prepaving work for D and i meeting along with some mental planning(just a bit don't want to overthink it) about how i should be and details for the night.i want to seem calm,confident,detached,but open so he feels able to relax. i don't want to go into it bitchy because that will ruin my fun and why would i want to show him i'm unlikable so i need to let go of the grudges and i don't want to seem to friendly of course like i'm desperate and it's ok he is how he's been to me. i want to seem like a sexy friend who is meeting someone and just there to meet someone like no big deal. lol,random is cute how he says again he has no expectations those were the things i've repeated a month ago about telling him to have no expectations. he is so mirroring me and paying more attention then he lets on he. i think it's his virgo moon.

[buttercup]

-a lot of things back to normal. heat being fixed. youtube sound being fixed so i can listen to my music easily today
-being so spoiled i actually feel kind of bad.i had all these considerate messages and emails and pies brought to me,offered to be brought to me,and offered to be made for me.
-physical exercise and how good it makes me feel and look
-water
-going groceries shopping today
-sweaters
-getting laundry done today
-getting a peppermint mocha latte today
-sportbras
-my skintone being darker and how good it makes me feel and look, the mindset boost from the light as well
-finding out i'll get peppermint oil bought for me which is great i wanted that for my throat chakra
-colors
-moods and inspirations
-vegetables
-being complimented all the time
-some very disturbing stuff happened last night with D. I wonder if it's a sign because i asked the universe for one. I all of a sudden had it hit me that D is doing something creepy to spy on me. it made me feel very uncomfortable and violated. so,i did something which ended up being a test,too that affirmed he is.i posted on my blog saying feeling really creeped out and minutes later,he texts me. it's random for him to do RIGHT after i posted that,like ten minutes later and then not only that but he said if i want to chat about anything,i have his full attention. he never says anything like that..i don't post links to new posts or anything to my blog. I'm aware people find it and read it but i thought they go to it,i found out he is literally getting notifications sent to his phone privately every time i post. I didn't know that people could even do that. I then gave in talking to him more saying why does he does he seem ok after all the dark stuff i revealed to him and stuff about my past and he is normal at first saying he's not a judgmental person but then says he likes my dark side.i should be flattered about that,i guess. but there's more and also the dark side he is referring to is me telling him i've been raped before and the demented rape and abuse text i sent when i was mad at him back before as part of my plan to creep him out. he then starts complimenting me more and i tell him he makes me nervous and he then starts saying my name and sexual things to me. he ignores what i say and he keeps asking me what do i think of this good or no(sexual things) getting me to reply to him and repeating himself. he keeps ignoring me as i try talking about things with him and sounds weird and his texts become sloppier and it's become pretty obvious he is masturbating to me again. it's pretty creepy. also,that it happened during personal omen number timings for me. he is masturbating to me constantly and is keeping major tabs on me. it's like he is literally obsessed with me. i'm worried he may even have a sex addiction. in the morning,he ignored some of my texts not answering them for some reason which made me kind of distant then started acting friendlier and told me where we were meeting tomorrow. so,i'm grateful for that. it seems it is actually going through. maybe he was really drunk and realized he was crossing a line and didn't want to talk about it.i also noticed he is changing his personality to try and be what he thinks i like and possibly getting into interests i like and studying them and not posting social media things i don't like(for example feminism). maybe im reading too much into that,but i've suspected he is manipulating his social media since the beginning to gauge reactions from me and now lately to conform to make me like him. today,was more normal at first but then i said something making a joke i shouldn't have and he said something really offensive which pissed me off and we got into a fight again. he said it was a joke and obviously he wouldn't want that what guy would want that and for some reason i revealed more about myself thinking maybe he'd have some empathy and he seemed to not get it and said the most offensive thing ever again that was extremely insensitive and i called him a f----- a------ . before that in the fight he was saying he doesn't like how much i don't trust his word on things and that he doesn't like how much i talk s--- about him.in hindsight,that wording even makes me paranoid.i had assumed he meant how i say things to him but now i worry he meant something else like from spying on me somehow. by the end of that he said he understands now and we seemed ok and he was telling me his plans and sent me a pic of the train he was about get on. he then got weird again trying to find out what i was doing today then again trying to find out what i was doing tonight and when i said plans he said he figured that but what plans. obviously this came from the whole me saying saturday or sunday text for our plans back when i was worried he'd not go through with our plans saturday and said we better meet up this weekend and he then chose sunday because of how i worded it saying i have a thing saturday but can cut it and sunday i have errands but can rearrange. so he clearly wanted to make sure i wasn't going on a date.i then asked him to leave me a voicemail later telling me how the christmas market he was going to with his family goes and he said he will. so,there we go. he's clearly got some issues but at least we are definitely on board to meet. on one hand,i kind of like the darkness of whatever is going on with us it seems it can make for an interesting relationship but on the other he makes me nervous and repulses me. i feel i'm attracting a dark relationship in my life from him.i also revealed last night when D was being majorly creepy that i don't want him to forget me ever no matter what happens. i was feeling vulnerable about other things with friends. i shouldn't have said that,though.
-feeling kind of annoyed and down after seeing friends from early this year clearly have moved on from me and not including me or making effort anymore and deciding to feel inspired from it and it's time to reemerge and make new friends. i'm really inspired by newness lately and wanting new people who are in alignment with the new me. i can do better then them anyways. they were kind of dorks.
-feeling very feminine and seeing what it attracts to me by being this way. i seem to manifest easier and am in a better place of receiving this way.
-finding things cute
-a new follower on instagram today from a very cute animal
-beauty
-inspiration
-looking forward to the month of december and how it will unfold. taking a break from personal blog,focusing on other things,career,the things i want to try,etc the free space in my mind and how ambitious and forward moving i feel right in time for the month
-my hair and how long it looks and attractive
-clothes still fitting kind of loose on me
-appetite shrinking ever since D and I have gotten closer this last week and half or whatever it is. we fight constantly,he creeps me out,but still we have seemed to have stayed close since things got clarified with us.
-veganism
-holistic wellness
-my desires and things i want to do
-my creativity

[CFTraveler]

I'm grateful for my life, just as it is.

[buttercup]

-finally met D after allllll this time. it went through. i appreciate that. he was much different then i expected. more normal.i thought he might be a creepy,dark guy who is kind of nerdish and shorter then i thought. he was actually taller then i thought. he may even be taller then me without heels which is super surprising. he also is pretty open about some things,in true sagittarian style,whether you like it or not. he was open about the fact that he has dated other girls for example and even completely stared at my face and studied it as he told me he was on a date last week. it was super super weird how he did that. it made me feel very naked as he stared at my face super super intently as he told me that like he was really concerned how i would react and wanted to study that. i also realized some of his offensive comments he would say in texts really are harmless he is just the kind of guy who says stupid things not thinking anything of it like in a dirty joke kind of way so seeing that made me feel like,look he's not a cruel,unsympathetic person he is just literally not meaning harm..in true sagittarian style. funny how much he seems sagiattrius in person. i also realized he's just the kind of guy who is going to do what works for him and he doesn't care what people think but it's not an intent to be harmful for example multi dating.i also realized even though he's multi dated,he's actually is a respectful person and doesn't mean he is bedding them and literally is doing it just to hang out with people and he didn't even try to get me to go home with him! which is very rare for me when i go on a date with a guy and i even hinted things implying i've had sex on a first date. he was sick,though. i felt bad he came out even though sick,i told him we could reschedule but he still came out and had tooken tons of medicine.i also told him i went on a date in october,he actually asked! and i implied i slept with the person.i just said i went back to their place after. he didn't seem phased at all.all in all,he actually seemed very classy and open. just the kind of guy who will say dirty things but never with harmful intent but just blunt,not thinking intent. he does seem forgetful but that is sagiattarian thing,too. the whole time in person,i wasnt sure i was feeling it. but,we did kiss and makeout. lol.i do like pda alot so it was nice to see he clearly doesn't mind it because we definitely made a scene. another sag thing,too. my sag ex was really into pda.the waiter made a joke saying he really likes me once during the night which was really funny. i didn't know we looked that much into each other,we must've looked something to even have a joke made. it surprised me because i wasn't sure if D liked me in person until hindsight(right now). within the first few minutes of getting there,he said i'm less intimidating in person and in my head i'm like what is that supposed to mean thinking he meant i'm less beautiful and pretty but i know now after relaxing that he meant how super shy and submissive i am because in texts i come off more bitchy and in photos i look more bitchy and fierce too but in person i'm really bad eye contact,very emotive face and very soft spoken,and shy body language. he was staring at me sooo much when ifirst got there and throughout the night like for up to 10 seconds in a row intervals,it made me feel so awkward. so clearly he finds me very attractive. he also did other typical signs he likes you things like asking what's on my shirt,touching my hands and legs alot,sitting really close to me. he admitted certain things to him are casual and what means something in his eyes and also claimed he hasnt done anything that has to do with our big fight back in october and that he wishes he would tell me what when i told him little bit of what i was saying he said he didn't but saying he wish he knew who i was talking about and when i said they're not in my facebook saying he wishes they were so he could find out who they were then to know exactly who i was talking about since i told him i couldn't say but i did give him some details.so assuming he's being honest,it made me feel better he outright said he hasn't asked out any other girls who do what i do for a living besides me or is even talking to any. he also said he noticed the facebook thing(me deleting him back then) with a tone of that being a big thing for him he didnt like and noticed when we were talking about our issues from the two months so that affirmed even more that was one of the things he didn't like that and it was what caused our downfall back then. he asked me again about my plans from last night so he seemed curious about that. overall,it was even more clarifying. he said he thought back then in the beginning he thought i was just humoring him when i said i'd go out with him back we first started chatting. he seemed to think i'm less difficult in person and more easygoing. he said we are both passionate. he wanted to end earlier then i expected but he was sick and he hailed me a cab which i thought was nice of him making sure i get home and he kissed me goodbye and told me to text him when i get home and i told him to text me too when he gets home and he texted me then said am i home yet before i even got home. so we chatted for a few minutes when i got home before he fell asleep. he said i was different from he expected too and that he liked it. during the date,he mentioned going out again and i made a joke saying yeah in two months(how long it took our first date)and he said no,let's go out this week. he also said he wished we had had our date back in october instead of waiting all this time.i told him more things then i expected.i don't know he brings out an openness in me. he is really nonjudgemental(love that about sags).he complimented me several times. one thing that surprised me which i enjoy is we actually connected a bit on a mental level..i had felt before meeting this was going to be more of a physical/lust connection but in fact,we had some good mental clicking going on that i did NOT expect,it kind of was attractive. he said several times when i said i'm not a feminist and explained my views,he said yes you are,you are so a feminist.i actually liked that,that he was calling me out several times saying based on my views i am a feminist. i know he's into the feminist thing but i don't like the label but idk,it was just kind of cool having a intellectually stimulating conversation.we even had a discussion get passionate when i told him work things with one job about how i get looked over if i don't flirt and downplay my accomplishments and accept party invites and he told me that's bull----- and that i should not change who i am or downplay my accomplishments,etc,etc getting passionate about it.i liked it,the mental connection was attractive to me. i liked his freckles too. lol. he looks more irish in person. so,yeah,overall,the whole time i felt unsure of him while meeting,but in hindsight,i think i like him still. he's just more normal and healthy seeming then i expected this whole time. and before meeting,this whole time i was unsure but felt a connection but was so insecure what else he is doing and how genuine he is but now meeting in person i know more what to think and expect,what to stop assuming about,etc. i don't know what will happen next.i just feel a release.i had thought of him as an energy sucker this whole time and a doomed to never meet connection. he definitely seemed to like me a lot. he was actually 15 minutes early and i was about twenty minutes late but all good.i don't know how 100% trustworthy is. he said the name of his last ex who's name doesn't match up at all to what his facebook said which is kind of weird....but maybe that wasn't her real name or something. also,when he said he went on a date last week,he said it was a girl who invited him to a concert and i remember seeing him post about that concert he mentioned tonight
on social check in site and that was the same night when we were better after getting clarified and he started sending me those weird texts so he was sending me texts saying kiss kiss the same night as that..makes me wonder if it wasn't that great of a date he was on to do that.i realize also it's so pointless trying to assume about him because i've been wrong so many times and that who knows when he was with someone.i don't know what ithink of him so i'm going to proceed slowly. it's such a trip though how different he is now after meeting.
-all going well with getting cabs tonight
-that i didn't have sex tonight.i thought that might happen..i even had a bad dream in the morning that would make it lean towards that but no sex and i think that is better we didnt
-getting what i want
-chips
-food
-that i did something forward moving with my life today
-that i can go to sleep soon
-tarot readings..they've actually been pretty darn accurate actually..
-the body oil i bought from the store the other day and how amazing it's made my body feel. very sexy and super smooth
-that D is reliable in his way. he did leave me that vm this morning,too.
-my black mini skirt
-lessons in relaxing and seeing how i misinterpret things
-someone to talk to.i dont know what will happen with D but it's nice to have someone new to talk to
-my skin being darker now it makes me feel more confident about my body and my face looking more attractive
-my michael kors purse
-that D even suggested talking on the phone saying even for one minute just to pick up the phonewould probably clear up a lot of miscommunications we have in texts
-makeup and makeup looking better on me now with tanner skin
-being able to relax
-just that today happened. it's weird. a chapter actually really did end. idk how i feel about it. i rushed and rushed wanting to meet D after all this and now i realize it won't ever be the same. the first two months was us chatting and never meeting and as annoying and confusing as it was,it had it's enjoyment and pleasure,it's innocence,it's secrecy,it's sacredness,a certain sort of newness and something to be tucked away and enjoyed. and now,that's been unwrapped and exposed into a new layer and we can never go back to that again.i didn't think i'd miss that. but the D i met and the D i have been talking to are definitely in ways two different D's and you can't go back to the first D now. the mystery and wonder of who is he. it's so weird how life works,i didn't think just texting could mean something,that it could be a whole chapter upon itself but it was. i'm a bit sad to never have that again.so funny how i always say i want to savor more and not rush things because it passes so quick things you will then look back on as beautiful but then before you know it you know it you did rush and never savored enough.
-my phone

[buttercup]

-love songs
-chips
-the abundance of vegan food options
-water
-how healthy my vegan diet makes me.i made out with a guy who was super sick and i'm still just as healthy and feeling physically great.i feel like i have a superpower.
-not being sure of D and telling business partner finally we had been chatting and finally met and telling her story. deciding D and i just are too incompatible and something is missing but after telling best friend this that i always just know and have doubts and doubts isn't knowing and i cant help how i feel i wish i could feel differently and best friend telling me(we used to be in a relationship that lasted years) that didn't i say the same thing about him when we first met. him saying that made my jaw drop because he is right. it made me mad because i already felt flickers of D being meant to be someone significant for me in some way and in some ways reminding me of past lovers yet i don't feel compatible with him and he always pushes my buttons and says awful things. as soon as best friend said that i replied to him don't say that and then felt like is this a sign,him saying that? it makes me mad. maybe in life not all first dates are meant to be perfect and love at first sight type feelings. maybe sometimes some connections are meant to be practical. i just honestly dont know if i'm feeling it or 100% attracted to him. the multi dating thing turned me off and even as he stared at me super intently like he was studying my expression as he told me he was on a date last week made me uncomfortable.i still feel a little insecure maybe he thinks i'm not as attractive in person.i kissed him yes and i don't kiss if i'm not attracted so some attraction was there but i was buzzed. plus,he's a hipster and i'm not into the hipster thing at all.meeting has just made a lot of things seem pointless now. but then why did i have the dream i did the morning of our date and weird dreams last night?
-sales. yay for discounts
-a new month
-taking a month off from blogging. it's tempting to blog right now with all that's gone on but that's why it's even better my month off starts now.i can use that for journaling instead,healing,and focusing on other social media outlets for expression.
-my desires
-how thin my upper body looks
-body oil gel and face moisturizers and how great they make me look and feel
-sweaters
-feeling normal today and new somehow. i don't know why but i woke up feeling in a new chapter and feeling ok.
-spirituality
-that D clearly pays some attention to me even though he is forgetful and acts like he doesn't such as noting my interest in spirituality
-my body being sore from recent workouts. love it.

[buttercup]

ugh,idk what happened but what a day.i ended up having a freakout about my appearance after taking some pics and feeling really really insecure and then right after from my anger ended up feeling slightly sniffly and slightly sore throat but i did burn my mouth from eating too hot of soup so hoping it's that.i started questioning everything like maybe i looked chubby when i met D and am not as attractive as i think all these years and maybe i've gained weight,etc,etc.i felt so ugly and was reanalyzing things from our date and couldn't even remember right maybe some perceptions more positive then i thought. i felt so embarrassed like oh my god i let myself go and he met me and didn't think i was as beautiful as he expected and so now i can't see him again and must lose weight. from that feeling came strong ambition,decisiveness to change,and detachment from him. though,really i've been pretty detached from him all day actually.
-i appreciate my inner ambition and certainty to drop 10 pounds within the next 2 weeks or however quick i can.
-earlier in the day before that,deciding while at the salon to start getting more regimented with my workouts as that seems to be a missing ingredient for me that will really work for me,for example,from now on tuesdays,thurs,sat will be abs days for toning
-going tanning today
-my skin looking darker
-that i haven't texted D telling him this isnt going to work out,blah,blah,blah because it's not necessary and is rude,and just looking for drama painting him out to be the bad guy like i'm trying to tell him i'm not happy,fix it,you must be punished because i'm not happy. no. while i may be unsure we click,he does seem like a genuinely caring person and nice guy from what i know and is a person with feelings. what is better to do,is to be normal and polite and let myself sort of my feelings and when the topic comes up,i'll let him know what i think based on how i feel by then.he texted me today. it was minimal. my hindsight has been interesting. it's allowed me to see i may have said some things he may have felt insecure by on date. and that he does mirror me a lot. to the point where i do wonder what is really him. i cant even remember straight but i was wondering if he said that comment i'm not as intimidating in person after i said he seems more normal in person....and if i said that first how did he take that? did he take it rudely? and,why did i say that? i'm really starting to wonder if i did say that first. just piecing together how things came together. because he mimiced many other things that night.i called him a hipster then he called me one.i nibbled his ear,then he nibbled mine,etc,etc. and i think i did sense nervousness if i look really closely enough so maybe it's just a matter of two people who in nerves weren't perfect. plus,he was sick.i cant even imagine how i'd come off if i was sick but i'd be much less myself,and way less perfect. in text throughout this time he seemed so into me then in person seemed more aloof and i had worried he thought i was less attractive but he was sick and he's seen my unflattering facebook pics and various types of pics to have had a good idea of my looks. me and him seem to suffer so much from misinterpreting one another.i am almost positive i said he is more normal in person first.
-towels
-peppermint oil
-hot tea
-coffee
-water
-having a place to live
-working things out with business partner and discussing work things some more and more of what i feel in my heart about things
-makeup
-that i get to go to sleep soon
-carrots and how delicious they are and good for you
-mainstream people speaking for animal rights
-feeling determined
-quietness and breaks
-not being haste
-sale being extended and picking up a few items
-appreciation and inspiration
-getting some things done today
-colors
-holistic wellness
-animal rights issues seeming to be spreading
-getting perspective on several things really
-tarot cards
-comfort
-my ambition
-cuddly feelings
-understanding and empathy. back on the D issue,he also seems to come from a world of online dating which i do not,and alters his views and ways compared to mine and he may not be the most suave guy,which is also shows his nervousness
-other girls doing my job older and older now which gives me faith i still have time to accomplish more and makes me feel better about my age.
-motivation
-how good my stomach feels when iwork it out
-physical exercise

[buttercup]

-protein shake for dinner
-echinecea tea. had four cups so far. soothing to my not feeling well
-feeling cozy,peaceful thoughts while being under the weather
-telling D that i have to be myself and am not going to multi date that and that i'm a feelings person and life should be magic even with the downsides,etc,etc.i didn't do this for him or a reaction but just to be myself.i didn't expect a amazing result or anything but felt confident when i said it and free.
-feeling pretty detached towards D yet neutral towards him too.
-inspiring videos i watched after texting D that made me feel really good and motivated and one was even very serendipitious as it was about and titled life is secretly magical which made me feel like the universe was telling me good job on my decison and i'm right don't give up on magic.
-still doing my exercising despite not feeling well
-not feeling well still feels more mild and bearable compared to when i used to not feel well
-the nice nap i took
-somehow even got some work done today,too
-tarot readings
-being pretty
-clarification about D things that came to my mind last night that have made me feel better about things
-feeling like i don't even have to date D right now and can come back to him years later maybe when we've both grown as people and evolved and the time is different. once a connection is iniated,the wonderful thing is,you can never go back. true,it's not like a sex connection where things can never really go back,but still. we were strangers and after all this time,we know each other. maybe life will have us come back to each other next year or something and we'll already get each other.
-lipbalm
-dreams
-that i didn't cheat on my diet today,though i was tempted
-feeling proud and happy with work,2nd career
-some positive energy going today
-relaxation and quiet
-that i'm a unique and authentic person.i may be weird,i may not have a lot of friends,but through the years i've always left a strong impression on people and tend to inspire them
-all my interests and talents and ideas
-souls who really resonate with me
-feeling warmth towards D despite what he's done and that i even suspect he lies to me a lot. almost everytime we chat,i feel like this has happened before.

[buttercup]

-feeling totally positive vibes right now and like it's all going to be fine. lucky december.
-deciding last night and this morning what i'll say to D for sure and when about how were incompatible and that multidating is an excuse to be player and you can't have that great of interest,etc,etc. i wrote a bunch of notes on it. lol.im just waiting for him to invite me out and then ill say it in response.i actually googled and hearing stranger's opinions online about multidating affirmed even more for me that it very much is an insult to my soul.i feel fooled and like D is a fake acting so relationship like to me all this time then to tell me that on our date and like i wasted my time. since i take this as an insult as well,i've been inspired to become better in many ways so he'll see what he lost out on lookswise,success,etc. just knowing all this time all the declaring how he feels about me and compliments and vile texts and personal things he's shared and pics through his day knowing he's could've very well done that to others is very very fake to me. i mean,the day he had went on that date he told me about was same day he told me he likes me and is being as clear to me as he can and sent me a pic of himself on the way there,and told me kiss kiss and that he wants to kiss me someday,etc,etc to find out that's the same day night he was on that date he was like that to me shows his character
-despite being sick getting a lot done today and yesterday and starting to do lists today. i feel that is another key to me being better so i wrote out all the actions and things in my control i can do that will make me happier or better right now this month.
-getting work done today
-p.r asking me to do a favor and feeling inspired from it and also after doing work realizing how excited i am to do this and what a big person this is to interview and that i'm ready to do events like this again and that i'm so ready to be back at it
-obsessing over a pic that was old and deciding to just go ahead and delete it since i couldn't move on of feeling insecure about it and that i can always reupload in a random pics album later on or post it instagram my new way to curate moments from life and also being inspired from this realizing i want more pics with people and more pics in general in my life to be taken and that i'm going to do that now
-vacuuming and cleaning my apartment and feeling better from that and the more cleaning i will do later tonight
-contacting my crush A. been wanting to ask him something for awhile and with wanting to move from here sometime soon and feeling insulted and inspired by D i just did it. and he responded quickly and very responsively. he's sick,too. A makes me feel good.i took the action as an inspired action and felt casual and fearless as i did it. my plan is to build up chatting with him and then ask him.i want to see him as just a person not someone who makes me nervous. I always felt is D even good enough for me and i notice i always end up resenting guys i feel better then and today business partner also said D isn't good enough for me.i rather gravitate towards people who are high vibration. someone like A,even if he doesn't have romantic interest in me,is someone i just want to in his realm that's how much i adore him.
-echinacea tea
-hot soup which helped me sinuses
-clean towels
-feeling like dancing today
-being pretty
-upbeat dance music
-the opportunities life gives me
-that i'm always the kind of person who uses my pain as fuel
-opening myself up a little to what life can offer me
-business partner texting me a lot today before i even woke up. i had slept in extra late from being sick.made me feel kinda nice to be wanted and that she had all these ideas.
-making apple pie that i can use for breakfast for the next days
-trying to be a little more normal today
-beauty transformation ideas
-how productive i can be when i focus and am in the get things done mood. i get so much done and so quick.and realizing i can get so much more done and that i just don't manage my time well and really do slack off a lot.
-moisturizers for lips. they get so dry when not feeling well.
-how great work project looks and how high end and legit we look

[buttercup]

-not pregnant! after early period again,finally took a test and am not pregnant. it's just the drama from D. same thing happened years ago with a guy i dated,but hadn't yet slept with i'd get my time of the month super early.
-waking up feeling almost 100%. was worried since i went to bed feeling worse but sore throat is gone and only a little congested. feeling great.
-masculine energy
-taking riskes
-not regretting that i contacted A at all
-looking in the mirror and being surprised at how my abs looked. they have definition lines. my new plan is the right plan and is working. highlight of my day. made me feel so good.
-coffee. so good.
-hot soup and how delicious it feels when it clears your sinuses
-healing sleep and lots of lucid dreams
-how amazing i'm becoming
-that i'm well enough to meditate again
-falling asleep in an adventurous mood to start living my life as an adventure and start taking risks and breaking more rules and living in a nothing to lose mindset after all i've had been through this year. it's amazing how much D inspires me even though he and i didn't work out. he said he asked me out because he had nothing to lose and ever since he told me that,i've had those words in my head.
-living my life with my pain and stories allowing me to live deeply and more fearlessly
-memories and perfect life moments
-feeling intense pleasant feelings
-feeling like it was spring time today
-living life like it's a poem
-that best friend got 6 classes dropped from one neighborhood so now he can start teaching at better ones
-fitness
-feeling good
-toning exercises and following a plan now that is mostly toning
-changing my perceptions in ways that better me
-feeling optimistic
-appreciation for others even when they let me down and still seeing them as great