GRATITUDE LIST

[buttercup]

-that i walked up to B and kissed him over 3 weeks ago. being that bold and causing that scene and to this day,look what it got me. awful D gone,and a guy who is more enjoyable,more attractive,and less drama. taking chances really does do me good!
-realizing everytime D did something awful to me,i used that to make something good happen,so i'm thankful for that. whether i used it to reconnect with R from my past,to make iniations with work goals,to contact A who was on my wishlist for something,or even kissing B,i really used every bit of pain D gave me to make my life better
-water
-mason jars
-hips getting more toned
-an amazing breakfast of coffee,banana,and french toast sticks
-being me,i love my randomness,my softness,my interesting enigma side.i love that i do things that will make men never forget me and stand out in their mind such as randomly walking up to them and kissing them and rocking their world
-living a sexy life
-that B didn't give up on me that night.i walked away from him after making out and hanging out for a bit,and he kept stalking me lol saying mean things to me and trying to ask what he did wrong. he was quite the creep. lol. and then he texted me in the middle of the night saying something mean,and by morning,i told him to be nice to me,and he was nice,and normal and i found out he's actually a sweet guy,and look where we are at now. and,him saying on our last date,he acted that way because he "couldn't let it end like this." lol. like he was on a mission to win back the prize. lol. so cute.
-realizing again why i date,and the fun of it. all because of B. realizing some of my greatest fun,and interesting adventures come from dating.i really hope B and I become official,and I think were headed there,but if not,he brought me to a good place,and for that i am grateful
-feeling in a much better mood today,at least at first,then i spazzed out. getting anxious about B and worrying what if something goes wrong or is going wrong and if something is different and there's another girl. deciding then to withdraw a little bit,and get back to me so i can think clearly and not project D things onto B.
-getting my hair job out of the way today
-finishing article today
-kava tea
-my favorite tea company
-things to do and explore
-affirmations
-saving that pic from the party of me and B that B had sent me back when we first started talking. it is not a flattering pic and we both look like happy young dorks,but i love it,because he is in it,and it's from that night,and he looks very attractive in it,and young,and happy and awkward. we look like teenagers.i love it.i really do like him a lot.
-going tanning today and getting those light vitamins
-despite my feelings for B now,realizing i am idealizing him a bit because i like him,and to step back and realize he is not so great,not in a mean way,but in a don't put him on a pedestal way and go crazy
-how over D I am,and how quickly it happened. all of a sudden within a few days,it was like boom,gone. no more attachment.i don't even find him attractive anymore and when i see his pics,i feel nothing,and visually think yuck. if he contacted me,i wouldn't even be interested,i'd tell B about it just so he knew.
-beauty
-how gorgeous my hair is
-calming down and logic and realizing when my thoughts are out of control and obsessive compulsive and others telling me so as well so i can see i'm being crazy and step back
-stretches
-that ever since I started buying myself flowers,i've attracted more love into my life. weird and interesting.

[CFTraveler]

I'm grateful for my life in general, and for the great job I'm going to get.

[buttercup]

-drinking a ton of water
-my mason jars
-sweet,ripe bananas and having them with my breakfast,fruits in general,vegetables,and potatoes tonight for a vegetable i'm eating.i love eating more fruits and vegetables and how much better it makes me feel and makes my nails and hair look.
-my body getting back to normal slimmed out again. took a bit but i'm there again
-letting a bunch of things out after feeling a surge of inspiration and telling B he is inspiring my work writing i have to do. he seemed happy about that and to let him know when and where we can hang out again and said he thinks about me everyday,too.i then told him more about how D brought us together really and just how beautiful life can be. and told him let me think about it and maybe so and so neighborhood. it felt good being honest and gushing a bit,since it's what i really feel and how i like to be.
-amazing invites in my inbox today that makes the work i do feel worth it
-having a high end life
-that i'm almost done with all the writings for the project and then can try and focus on my primary career more again
-everyone telling me how paranoid and obsessive i'm being with B fears and letting that calm me down to stop being crazy on the inside
-embracing my hair since i seemed to cut it funny,and maybe working with it more,and to keep going until i got something i like
-confidence in my ability to do some things myself
-being able to cook
-having my own apartment
-my cat being in my dreams again. though,it worries me when she tries eating snakes in the dreams. friend says she is trying to be my protector...and,in fact,i can kind of seeing that being true now..and it's quite interesting as i've said before if she was still here,a snake would've never came into my last apartment and since my beliefs are she is still here,death is just a change,and my dreams make me feel close to her still,and i believe dreams are very connected to the reality we live in,and may be simply another reality,i in fact,quite like this,it's very interesting,and interconnected
-coffee and french toast sticks and always having a breakfast i love every time i awake
-a great cardio workout
-hot tea and how good it makes me feel. i love kava tea
-beautiful things and inspiration
-femininity
-how slimmed out my body lines are looking
-my best friend
-my business partner and closest female friend
-the surge of positive energy i felt while doing my writing and getting a base done and all the ideas that came to me
-tibetan singing bowls music to slow my mind down and calm me down to balance my very excited mood
-being a 'first job title.'
-my taste in things
-being someone of value
-the ethereal and esoteric
-beautiful,loving sounding music that takes me away,gets me focused,and healed and feeling amazing
-feeling so filled with possibility
-all the opportunities this year has waiting for me
-being a woman
-animals and my love for them
-my beautiful soul
-being ok with myself despite what haters may think
-healing
-feeling open
-dreaminess,and fantasy
-someone getting back to me about something work related
-beauty products
-wonderful reflection that's come about
-awareness

[buttercup]

-things seeming back to normal with me and B not that they were ever abnormal,i don't think,but just my mind paranoid
-getting the last writing of project 20 done and what a relief that is and now to focus on other things and release project 20 in a day or two
-plans with B tomorrow
-water
-mason jars
-being a woman
-being tooken care of
-my face
-getting a donut for a treat later on tonight
-kava tea and how amazingly good it is
-hot tea in general and how good it is
-learning and understanding myself and my lifestyle and why some things will be more difficult
-acceptance of my body
-my great hourglass but slender curves
-my curvy backside
-my lower back and middle lower back obliques area getting slimmer
-fitness and how great physical exercise feels
-being a great writer
-being an interesting person
-music
-rest
-organization
-faith
-my beauty
-optimism and beautiful spirit
-child-like spirit
-best friend dropping about half his classes now from the neighborhood that's far south and not a great neighborhood
-deep breathing
-how beautiful and interesting the moon looked tonight
-high protein foods
-best friend considering giving up eggs or at least eggs that are visible(as in foods you can see have eggs but if you can't see it such as cake,still eating it)
-living in a big city
-my ideas
-my goals
-my motivation
-my desires
-feeling good and clean
-pillows
-laying down
-spiritual healing music and the abundance of different tracks to help with different healing aspects
-B keeping in touch with me tonight
-fashion and style
-my inner lifecoach
-living a life of style

[buttercup]

-Last night going so amazing. What happened was yesterday afternoon B and I had a fight and i told him we were done because i suspected some things. He told me it's not true and explained why and so far,i'm buying it or at least trying to. I also told him,besides that,that i want him to act like he likes me and kiss me,and like he wants to have f--- me,and that that's why i was done with him. We worked it out,after he accused me of being nuts for things i accused him of and explained him self. I then said fine i'd see him tonight and he said thank you and that he's a good guy and is innocent. He then said we'll talk and that so and so time i said is good. We met up,and he kissed me right away,which he never does and we made out a lot,the whole night,it was amazing.In the beginning he explained himself to prove he is innocent with the things i accused him of and acted like he was going to show me and started to show me a couple of things but i didn't seem to care so he stopped with one of them because i don't want that controlling kind of relationship where he shows me everything. He was also massaging me,and touching me a lot and it really,really,really turned me on. He is very sexy. He's like my sexy nerd. I also brought up the two questions i had because at the beginning of the night,he still seemed awkward and innocent despite iniating kisses. I said i want to know when we can have a relationship and that i wanted to be public with it and explained my thoughts on that and sex. He said he had been thinking about it ,too,the last few days,the relationship thing,and the sex thing,especially with what i said today earlier and said he got mixed signals from me because i told him not to show my picture to his friends last week. He also said one girl he'd go on like 8 dates with her and she'd refer to him as a friend and also just not seem to want more then sex.He then went to the bathroom without really answering me about the relationship thing,but then again technically i don't think he answered about sex,i just had less emphasis on the sex in my mind. When he came back,he said his friends invited him to a birthday at this place and he asked if i wanted to go. I was nervous but we agreed to make out lots and be pda and make a scene. He seemed really excited about that and very eager for me to meet his people. So,off we went. And,i met his friends. He did introduce me by name. I met his best friend who had a date with him and he was really nice and some of his other friends. The females were mostly not nice to me and kept acting really strange. They started behaving towards him unlike they ever have such as groping him and saying flirty things towards him. I later found out from him that they told him they liked me and was a great catch and really attractive. One of the females before that told me she liked me and tried telling him while she was by me. She also told me B is superficial but super sweet. I told him she said he's superficial and he was confused why she would say that. I found it flattering though that meant he is picky. We made out a lot in front of his friends,him holding me tightly,hand holding,him kissing me and picking me up while kissing me.I talked to his best friend for a minute while B went to the bathroom and said i liked B and thought he was he was really authentic and before that he said he's the one B turns to for advice and i kinda took that as a hint and made a joke and said i see and that's when i said that,and then he said he likes me a lot,and that B told him. so it was confirmed he talks about me which i already knew and me and B both admitted we told our friends about each other that night too. His friend also asked why didn't i join them on new year's even which showed B had been talking about me since the very beginning.

B said those females were being really weird towards him and he has no idea why and that they're never like that and he thinks it's because of me and because i'm very attractive. I have a feeling they're not used to seeing him have a girl with him.Apparently,they groped him like 3 times. I told him i thought that was very rude of them to do. He was like a different person,seeing him in his scene and also being more bold making out with me a lot. He seemed a lot more confident. He then asked me to go back to his place back to his place and I said yes but no sex. We only made out a lot. I was very turned on but didn't want to have sex. I know he really wanted to and was disappointed we didn't but i felt with the fights we had,and things still being unclear that we should wait. He said something about next week during passionate making out,and i said very likely we would. It felt like having a boyfriend and felt so good. He turns me on so much and is very sexy. He has such a weird dork-ish sense of humor and is strong,and sexy.the words we seeing each other have officially been used by both of us,too. In our fight before we seen each other,he said he is not dating or sexting or texting or facebooking or twittering anyone else or any of the garbage. One thing came up that we kinda had slight arguing and tension about but he explained himself so i'm trying to trust him. I'm really super turned on by him,and now things in that department have heated up,he is showing me to friends and saying he's not seeing anyone else,which had already been implied since the beginning but also saying the words seeing each other sounds nice. i like how he did say while we were making out intensely that "i want you to be mine." He also admitted early in the night before our making out got heated and when he was till a little shyer and more sober that as bad as it sounds it actually turned him on for me to be so jealous earlier when we had fought. I love how he holds me really tight when we are making out,i find it so sexy. He also likes to play like he's not going to let me go,doing play wrestling and making me squeal all girl-ish but then when he accidentally has like my teeth hit head he quickly stops and ask are you ok super concerned about it and apologizing. He also seems to like to make fun of and tease my girlyish side sometimes.Like he kept teasing how i said ew about something that had to do with an injury and soccer. He also said he was making out with me more when i said he is like a new person because he took the cues from the messages i sent and picked up on what i want from that because he didn't know that's what i wanted before but now he did.His height was officially not an issue tonight,either despite wearing shorter heels. idk why,he just didn't seem so over tall,it seemed just right. He turns me on more then any guy in awhile has,his smell,his build,how he kisses,and his personality. he is really good at making out. i like his slightly bossy and possessive side. we seem closer today,too. i texted him things before i fell asleep feeling still distrusting and when he awoke and answered he at the end said "lastly what are you doing awake at 7:30 am" like he was third degreeing me. I explained i went online for a few minutes and showered and that i sometimes have trouble sleeping when i drink a lot and then he got sweet on me telling me i should take a nap and saying it's odd i showered so late and calling me ms.beautiful. this is going to develop into something really good,i can tell.i am enjoying him so much.i also like we now seem to have a set every saturday night seeing each other thing since he's said those are the nights he prefers since friday is when he likes to relax from work week and is tired and sundays he works early the next day.it feels like i have a boyfriend and it feels wonderful. i like that he's not even the slightest bit aggressive about sex.i like that when i left he kept making out with me in the doorway and holding me tightly not letting me leave. I've met his friends now and they like me,we are using the words seeing each other,have it official that were not seeing or pursuing others,are now making out a lot and i laid my cards out on the table of what i want,and he seems to want the exact same. he is so yummy. i love his preppy,sporty side,and having similar interests in fun.the mental connection. that i see myself in him. his weird awkwardness like how he just says things that are just why would you say that.I also like how he kept saying my name throughout the night a lot. he had never done that before,he usually doesnt really say my name at all.
-going to fun places last night with B and being out and about with B
-being shown off by B,it was so fun and him dancing with me and holding me tightly,holding hands,and picking me up while making out with me
-water
-mason jars
-attracting a guy who is more in alignment with what i deserve and desire
-a response for new career venture this year that made me so excited because i seen it on accident online vs checking email and it making me so excited i almost passed out,not literally,but it made my heart swell.i think my raised vibration from B attracted this, it was so validating as i was losing hope early on in this venture but seeing that made me feel like i can have this as a new way to make primary income so it was super exciting
-booking a job for first career for Feb which is nice i set the intention to book one for Feb to get the ball moving a little more
-my beauty
-being a -----(first career title)
-confidence to just post a picture if i want to and not care what others think
-changing facebook pictures from being bored of what i had
-my fashion sense and style
-B complimenting my hair last night,i didn't think it was that different but did blog about changing my hair. it was sweet of him.
-my body getting back to thin again,flatter stomach,smaller chest,leaner looking silhouette,very happy aboutthis.
-how great my lower body looks
-how amazing i feel and my positivity
-my kind heart and helpful,nurturing side
-being a woman and my femininity
-how attractive i am
-nice places
-project 20 just about done
-going shopping today,getting things like orange juice,black opaque tights,and beauty products i'm excited about and that will be helpful
-realizing i'm even able to be more patient about a label if i know B and i are seeing each other every week,and only each other,and he's being trustworthy and not acting like he doesn't want a label or to be public. i realize now it'll happen and everything is on the right track and date 1 my radar was blurred with D so waiting until 4rth or fifth date may be ok.as long as i can do other things,like count on him,and if i wanted take pictures together and stuff like that,what's the difference then really. it feels as if we are moving in that direction and coming out with it little by little and that us is becoming less and less of a secret,not that it ever was one,but it's becoming more obvious we have something to others as well.
-B making dating fun again and how happy i am with him
-best friend considering and feeling torn about giving up eggs,he really wants to and it's starting to really affect him emotionally as he is driven closer to give up another animal product from his diet
-techno music
-my face
-fun
-my ideas and motivation
-things coming together
-that guys really do listen to what you want,you just have to tell them what you want or give them some cues instead of playing games about it acting like you don't want it. guys are more straightforward and learning in my experiences that when you finally give them cues,they quickly put them into action but when you give them mixed signals,you slow things down

-

[buttercup]

-the story that's unfolded between me and B. it's beautiful and i want to shout it to the world. tomorrow marks one month since we met and from here on out,i'm going to start taking more pictures and things when we are out and about. the first month is a special time and i'm grateful for all of it.i'm so grateful i met him.
-giving myself space mentally from B. he has legitimately pissed me off today. we were all normal today in texts,i can tell he seemed to appreciate all the texting,and all was well then i made some comment about wanting him to be sweet,and innocent because that's what i like and then he got really weird on me. first responding saying saying he doesn't like that word innocent because it sounds like something you'd call a girl so basically being rigid in sex roles then basically randomly before i seen that text,he sent another like twenty five minutes that sounded like an insult which was saying he doesn't like girls who talk s----.i was quite thrown off by that,and it seemed quite clear it had to have been a hit at me since he knows i'm blunt with things and so i get upset telling him i've only been good to him and never talked about him and trying to ask him if he's upset about something and saying i guess he's not a sweet guy and doesn't like me then and went back and forth him trying to tell me he was saying in general that he doesn't like girls who talk smack because they think it's normal and sweet but it's not cute and that i'm good in his book and that ishould give him a chance to say what he meant if i am not sure and when i asked for an example of a girl talking smack he gave one saying in november a girl asking him why is he so tense when he was stressed out and when ididn't understand he said she seemed frustrated by it...so yeah,definite red flag all this. suffice it to say,it lowered my mood a little and made me want space from him. the only thing i can think is he sent that text that seemed at me right shortly after a friend request on facebook got approved in my list that was male. and we did argue about facebook saturday and i did have it in my head before if he is one of those people who would get petty about facebook friends.i don't know many guys who are like that at all,but it was something that came to me saturday and friday. as he is someone who doesn't have a lot facebook friends in comparison to me,and gets easily jealous and i even told him I met D through facebook and reconnected with another guy i knew through facebook,i can maybe see facebook bothering him. either that,or he was trying to tell me something when i said i like guys who are sweet and innocent,like maybe he knew i said that feeling insecure and nervous still about our fight on saturday and was trying to tell me to not start with him again and to shut up.i don't know what's worse. a guy getting upset about a facebook friend request and deciding to use it to say something to make me wonder,or guy who is fed up with insecurities trying to tell me to not talk smack to him.i think he sensed i didn't like his behavior because after that he seemed to be texting more then usual and asking me more questions about my activities. ever since i told him to act like he wants to f---- me,and that i want a relationship,he's been acting weirder. more possessive,and bossy,but also more sweet at other times. it seems i cannot have a day go by now without him telling me to not do something. and this isn't even like D where i fought with him a lot.i haven't fought with B much at all,only on saturday. D was quite aloof and not possessive at all compared to this guy. maybe it's a european thing that is why B is like this. or,maybe it's a height thing. my ex who was european and very tall was also more possessive and rigid sex roles then average,too. while i find the possessiveness cute,i do not like what happened tonight,it was very wtf and red flag,but since it was in a text,and you cant tell tone,and it's been mercury retrograde for days,i'm sure i just am misunderstanding him.i think back to when B and i first met,though,and again,first meetings can be telling. he kept looking at me i knew he was about to come up,he looked very into wanting to approach me,and got up and said something but was obviously unsure of himself.i'm sure i seemed shy and submissive,too. i then teased him playfully,he then was a few feet away from me,i then walked up to him and started making out with him. he was very into it,and we kept making out. then he kept following me around like a puppy,i wanted space so ditched him. then he proceeded to keep following me around acting creepy asking what he did wrong and saying mean comments to me,such as am i trying to make so and so my hero and just hovering over me even when i had guys by me to "protect" me. he then kept trying to talk to other girls while staring at me and i left early and he texts me something mean in the middle of the night. from there,the next morning,when he responds i tell him to please be nice to me and find out he is so sweet and nice,and we've talked everyday since. on our first date,he tells me those guys were NOT on my side with a stern,stoic expression on his face. the second date,he keeps telling me all these guys are looking at me and getting annoyed saying they look like they want to come approach me. and,the funny thing is,i cant tell him this,but,the night we met,after i ran away from him,well,obviously he kept staring at me,but i do feel kind of was looking out for me,and watching me.i just have this vague memory of even when i fell when me and two friends all fell ,of him kind of watching me not in a creepy way but a making sure i'm ok way,but not wanting to cross the line by trying to help me up,almost as if,if i was in trouble,he would've been there to make sure i'd be ok. i remember him telling me on a date or in text this girl who had a crush on him kept trying to kiss him when he was trying to help her friend who was passed out from drinking on a party bus.he hasn't brought up me falling either,that's one thing he never brought up from that night,whenever we talked about it,even though i have this vague memory of him being like on the other side a few feet away watching me. he has asked softly and cautiously how did i fall,when i brought it up but in a way like he seen the whole thing and doesn't want to make me feel awkward since i had started crying after that and cried in some strange guy's arms. he also never brought that up,either.but,i know he seen it,and was probably worried at the time i'd kiss that guy.i had reassured B on our first date,i'd never kiss two guys in one night,and i knew what i was doing by kissing him.i reread B's love song he wrote me sometimes.i want to tell him that when i cried in some stranger's arms,i remember kinda looking towards B wishing i could cry in his. when B drives me nuts tonight,i remember,he may have been mean and red flag now,but he fought for me. i ran away from him,literally,and he chased me that night,and he didn't give up on me.and he even said on date 2 "he couldn't let it end like that." with me just running off. i remember that love song he wrote for me on date 1 saying he will fight for me until i'm his. and date 3 saying verbally he wants me to be his. he may be a weirdo(and i'm not allowed to call him that) and he may be a nerd who says the most random why did you say that things,but he is for me,and i adore him and he's soft,i know he is. he's not even the slightest bit sexually agressive and when my teeth banged against his head while he was playfully wrestling with me,he stopped and got super concerned saying am i ok. how he always wants me to feel really beautiful and cannot comprehend how i ever would not..posessive he may be,and maybe that comes out mean,but i know we'll be ok. i'm grateful for getting this all written out. giving myself space and WANTING a breather from him since getting closer can make one feel a bit smothered and intoxicated.i wonder if it was love in first sight for him. i am grateful for all these ideas from writing this out,i think i will use this to express some of it,to him in a valentines day gift. i had wondered what to get him,and what could be more beautiful then expressing myself to him things i wish i could say but cannot.i have not had this good of a love story in so long,and feel he may finally be the guy i fall in love with next.i haven't been in love in so long,but we seem to be so on the same page,and he is giving me what i want and it's all unfolding. it's so perfect.
-reassurance
-this forum
-water
-mason jars
-a place to write things out and look back
-going for a walk today
-getting project 20 released today! woo hoo.
-ideas
-how much B and I have in common and are similar.i so see myself in him with things. like,the awkwardness. it's adorable.
-B and I coming closer to each other,and besides the saturday fight and clarifications brought up,and all that good saturday stuff,but how were talking with each other now more often and detailed it seems. ever since passionately making out on third date,it was like going back to when we met again,getting reacquainted with each other's mouths,and how turned on we make the other. there is a strong,strong kissing and physical connection.and all the kissing again after dates previous of not much to none,was like an ice breaker to bring us to some normality and closeness and drop some barriers
-how flat and sexy my stomach feels today
-all the ideas and inspirations and the unfolding of them to bring things together to manifest
-my business partner
-my teeth
-waking up earlier
-getting a lot done today
-doing dishes
-how great my backside looks. small and round and in shape looking
-vitamins
-how big B's tongue is,it's such a weird thing,i'm never turned on by a tongue but his has grabbed my attention. it just feels really sexy in my mouth when we are kissing.
-feeling clean
-hot tea
-stress release
-meditation
-free time
-being feminine and getting more cues that B seems to prefer women on the more feminine and submissive side based on what he's been saying and acting like since we met
-my amazing,positive good mood today,until B got weird on me that is,but that just needed space
-desires
-my beauty
-colors
-love
-romance
-that B is preppy and sporty and i'm girlish and artistic. love it,it's beautiful,the opposites attract.
-how happy i've been lately. i am so happy with B,and with how forward moving i feel about life. january has been amazing.
-smiling and laughter and how good it feels
-the winter love life...without D. lol taking his advice to embrace the winter love life,just not with him. have been so over him.
-being patient with B.he's been all about me since the beginning despite knowing i was just ended with D and then i caught up to being all about him,so if he needs time to trust that,and catch up,too that's ok with me,too. it's an energy dance. i kept him posted all along the way about D and he's been nothing but good to me and putting up with me so if he did go through a few days of doubt back a week and half ago or so of my interest in him or what we are,that's fine.he hasn't said that at all but that's when i got worried he seemed different very slightly,but now are caught up and clarified and that's beautiful and real.
-the mental connection with me and B. we are quite in tune telepathically,and even how his apartment has lots of green decor,which is my favorite color.

[buttercup]

-B and finally having someone where it feels like a real relationship. texting daily,seeing each other weekly,posessiveness,meeting friends,etc
-going tanning today
-how great my body is looking,more toned,tiny,and flatter stomach,rounder bottom,slimmer lines,etc
-blogging and getting out my feelings
-poetry
-brilliant ideas that come to me that i love and are creative and getting to use them
-that B seems to want to do whatever i want to do
-how high vibration life is right now
-today being an amazing day
-finding out best friend has been affirming a lot for me,and that it seems a lot of things are on my side right now
-my style
-cute clothes
-being comfortable with my cute gawky beauty and realizing how sexy that and striking that can actually be
-one month since meeting B and all going well and smooth still and all being consistent
-another success for secret business venture that business partner told me about.i was so freaking excited.i thought two weeks ago it,this idea might not work out and i may need to return to another idea for income,but this is happening..i may just have a primary way to make money that is perfect for me.i could cry that's how excited i am.
-getting presents in the mail
-realizing it's mercury retrograde so that explains some of the communications with me and B and that it may be better to not push being official until it's over,but if it does happen,i will allow it of course,and maybe in his eyes we are,i have no idea
-perspective,wisdom,authenticity,and maturity. traits in myself i admire and in others
-all the work activity going on and things abuzz,it seems my positive love vibration is attracting good in other areas
-the little things i can appreciate and feel grateful for
-the little auto save button i found since i just accidentally shut this window
-smiling
-how long my hair is
-feeling feminine and feeling good and in shape and young but mature
-how nice the weather was today,it felt as if spring was near and the sun was shining bright and was lovely
-how good it feels for project 20 to be released.
-getting brava for work that makes me feel very accomplished and successful
-getting things going

[buttercup]

-music
-how amazing and super high vibration i feel,i feel like i'm on clouds
-realizing B is everything i want,he is super sweet yet masculine and possessive and wants me to be happy and realizing i need to trust him more
-remembering i can do some quantum healing to work on my trust with B and heal some things
-all the positive energy my best friend has sent me
-getting gifts in the mail
-instagram
-getting samples from a p.r secured that i can use for a project i've been working on
-so many things coming together right now!
-the sun
-leaving my door open despite it being cold because it's nicer out
-my slimness
-my style
-water
-mason jars
-liquid diets for dinner a few times a week and how good that is for you
-my personality and uniqueness and attractive and cool inner qualities
-sky blue nail polish
-getting caught up on workouts last night
-my amazing accomplishments and someone from organization i admire wanting to share work we did together publically and what a compliment it is to be recognized by high end people
-making people happy
-my motivation and cheerleader attitude
-my flexibility and dancer's poise in how i move my body
-my clumsiness too,because that is cute
-all the cool people i meet
-all the forward movement that's come about
-being a woman
-that this month has felt like magic,and already much better then the majority of the last year. such a high note to this year
-poetry and fairytales
-the industry i work in
-all that i have going for me
-the magic of life
-life feeling new and fresh
-the interconnection and oneness of life
-deep breathing
-feeling abundant and secure
-my hair
-my nails
-my increase in energy
-my hair,nails,and energy ever since becoming vegan and how it's transformed
-orange extract
-my creativity

[buttercup]

-coffee
-water
-mason jars
-being a kind person
-my newfound passion for fitness and how 2014 became the year i got really into it and love how happy and puts a pep in people's step when they lose the little bit of weight they've been wanting or come closer to their ideal bodies.
-the wonderful box of muffins brought to me.i feel so spoiled
-all being back to normal with me and B and seeming to go well and us being closer
-getting good sleep.i feel renewed and look better,too
-the sun
-beautiful stories
-emotions and feelings
-upbeat music
-getting thinner and how sexy my stomach feels
-the time i will have to catch up on meditation and affirmations tonight
-contacting a former good friend and how good it felt to hear from her
-all of B's wonderful qualities and how he made me laugh with his text today after i said i love when people send me thank you messages and then he said thank you "my name" for texting me. cracked me up.
-dating
-getting things cleaned up and organized and feeling cleared up about a lot of things
-quiet time to reflect and just be
-the sun
-my desire to express
-beauty
-being feminine and child-like
-feeling sexy
-how relaxed i feel today
-colors
-brightness
-sweaters
-the things going for me in life right now and where i'm at and get to experience
-feeling well and healthy
-lip balms,body oils,and other beauty products
-unfollowing D on twitter,he never followed me back and i have no desire for him to be followed on twitter anyways by me
-allowing change
-project 21 starting off wonderfully
-beautiful models
-having great taste and being innovative
-learning
-thank you messages from people
-beautiful symbolisms
-new ideas
-the industries iwork in
-embracing the quiet feeling i feel today
-the ability to see
-eyeglasses
-smiling
-appreciation
-feeling and being positive minded
-working on myself and bettering myself
-loving myself

[buttercup]

oh man,what has happened. B and I haven't spoken today for the first time. he replied to my text saying i'm home and sleep well this morning just saying you,too and that it's not a peep all day and i felt a rift in energy as soon i awoke. all that i've given him and not a single how is your day going text...today has not been well. between the blizzard and not hearing from B all day after last night and the anxiety attack i had,on top of something happening to induce more anxiety in me,this hasn't been a well day at all. he also had a new bimbo facebook girl in his list today,too this morning.
-seeing B last night.it started with me feeling on and off emotional that day and the night before and i seen a dead baby bird in my path which i took as a good omen to mean end of negativity and new beginnings. part of me felt like I didn't want to see B because i felt so frustrated and distrusting and scared.but,i did. early on,we had an argument. i seen a pic in his texts and asked to see it multiple times before he showed me and it was a pic of him,his friend,and two girls. he was more in the back and not super next to the girl but still what is that? and,he doesn't even tell me about it,i see it in the phone and have to ask 5 times what is it and it's pretty suspicious his friend is texting him that. now,writing,this i feel even more upset about it,as i normalized it last night.it just seems like it is starting to be one thing after another. we ended up talking a lot and because i was mad,i brought up the label thing and he said he would do it right now and i said not right now,then he said playfully oh,not right now and we went for coffee and discussed the label and how and when we would do it with several options of now,in two weeks,or within the week and settled on next time we see each other and with him next to me. he explained he didn't see a difference between seeing me and a label and i explained the difference to me. we then walked around the city and talked more about deeper things for the first time like family and stuff and just a lot of deeper things in general of understanding each other. it was kind of nice. we got back to his place and right away he iniated sex. it was kind of quick and though kinda wasnt super in the mood but figured may as well. and, he couldn't perform. he couldn't get it up. he kept saying weird,awkward nervous things and just didn't know how to have sex. it was so awkward. i took it personal and kept saying will we be able to work this out and how can we move forward if we can't have sex and he'd say i hope so which i kept taking to mean it was my fault and he didn't know. it wasn't until hindsight,i realized he meant he hopes we'd be able to work it out because of his issues and he hoped i wouldn't leave him.i began asking questions to figure it out,and found out he's only had sex 3 times. the 3 people was one time each and he was under the influence of alcohol each time and we were both sober right now. we both wondered if last week we should've had sex since we both were buzzed and really into the mood with each other. not only that,but the last person he had sex with was someone he dated and they only had sex once and that was the last time they seen each other...which is not a good track record for him clearly. so,he's only had kisses and one time sex and one time dates and dating someone for a month-ish as his history basically. there could be no way he was faking this because he was extremely embarrassed by this and emphasized repeatedly he's never told anyone this and no one know this much about him to which i joked it gave us an obligatory closeness. i even tried to go down on him,which started to make him bigger after a little bit,which was hopeful and he was moaning and into it and i gave him a tip of how to guide me which he responded he hasn't these very often,to which i took to me,he may never had one before. quite odd,and kind of creepy.he admitted he's a different person when he's drunk and more confident and social ,which i seen myself from him. he has said none of his friends get much action. so,apparently they're all a bunch of nerds.i suggested maybe we could work up to sex and just do other things the next times we see each other like foreplay stuff and he seemed very into that idea and his face brightened up at that. he did seem like he wanted me to leave quickly and to go to sleep but i didn't leave right away. we held each other a little and kissed a little and i started to ponder did i even want him anymore. he had made cheap comments that evening saying starbucks was expensive,the cab was expensive and going to restaurants was expensive which irritated me.he couldn't perform sexually and was a big let down and on top of that wasn't seeming very trustworthy anymore.was i just becoming too desperate after all i've been through with guys? so,i knew i should leave soon and sat up and out loud starting listing some of the pros of moving forward with this and asked him what he likes about me and the pros. he said i'm attractive to which i said a lot of girls are. he then said i'm honest to which i said you actually like that(i'm blunt and random)then he said what he's shared with me/things he told me tonight(the uncomfortable things,which showed me something that he thinks after all that he feels closer now),and then out of nowwhere he had this habit of bringing up little things out of nowwhere that are perfect. i had made a joke half hour earlier about our mutual friend and him being impressed by that friend and me saying i don't see why and that i like that he doesn't find what i do impressive because a lot of guys do end up being user-y and i said he finds our friend more impressive then me or something like that and joked i'd tell our friend that he finds him impressive and well,when we talked about what we like about each other he out of nowwhere said shyly and humbly that he has told his friends what i do for a living when we first started talkign and that they said wow and got impressed and that he thought that was cool what i do for a living and he liked that.i also reflected about how things aren't perfect and was in a thinking out loud moment about how not all guys will be like J,all perfect and everything intense but that also tends to be short lived and so i said not everything has to be perfect to which he replied with perfect timing as if on the same page as me "nothing in life is." idk why but i like that and told him so and that it was perfect timing he said that. it seemed we agreed to still move forward. he even said when we talked at the end why he'd like the label too kind of joking about something and saying he'd like to see me more often when i said i was ok if we didn't but if he wanted to i would. our moods weren't lovey dovey by the time i left. but it felt like we were closer and as i left i almost walked off without kissing him,then turned around and he looked kind of stalled too like he was remembering that he kisses me before i leave. his face was that of a shy child's unsure what to do. so many things revealed. and,after seeing all that,there's no way he gets many girls or action so that made me feel like even more he should appreciate me i really have a lot of power here.i told him i think he can teach me a lot of things,and i can teach him a lot of things.i said a lot of flattering things to him,and was very genergous trying to help him.i did say one bitchy thing saying if i wanted another guy,it'd take me 2 seconds to find another one,and he said assuredly that he knew that. i started wondering about white lies not with his experience but with other things before bed. I felt for sure all was well though and then as i awoke,i felt a rift. Like,are we separated now? It made no sense. And,the timing is the worst. Ever since December 27th,we had never gone a day without speaking all day throughout the day,and now we had. I was so nice,and tried so hard to make it work and did nothin g wrong,so am quite heart broken by his behavior. All i can think is that he is holed up feeling embarrassed about what happened and can't let it go but is he really going to walk away because of that? Someone willing to work with him,and be his girlfriend? With all his lack of experience and trouble getting girls,it'd be so silly to do that. I am so hurt and have no idea what is in his head,just that i awoke feeling a sense of separation. We have so many random little things in common. Little things that are stupid,i seen he had coffee on his mouth earlier,then later on,seen i did,too. Or how he lovely green colors in his apartment and in some clothes he wears,and that's my favorite color or how he hardly ever has people in his apartment,and i'm the same way. Like,random little things. I appreciate that our issues started when mercury retrograde started because that means things aren't what they seem and are likely not truth so therefore all will be well. Just last week,he was so sexy and picking me up and spinning me around in front of his friends and now this week,he couldn't turn me on,and we couldn't have sex and just had a lot of offness that made me wonder do i even want him. No matter what,i want communication and to try and work through this.
-i appreciate that we agreed to the label,and that have a plan for it,and all the good that did happen
-my vibe lifting when i got home today after a anxious day from B not texting
-positive signs about B today
-beautiful photos of me and my perceptions clearing about them and new pics to post on facebook
-pretty things
-embracing the snow and blizzard a little and trying to enjoy it
-inspiration from best friend when he talked about how he visualizes and how his third eye chakra activates from it. and he doesn't even know about chakras,but telling me what it was,is how i determined it.healing energy from best friend
-best friend and business partner thinking B just sounds very inexperienced and embarrassed and that's why he hasn't texted me today because he feels very embarrassed by everything.
-getting to buy new tank tops
-colors
-my beauty
-ideas
-getting groceries
-roommate staying home tonight
-energy best friend sends me and how good he is at it,and how much it inspires me to get better at willing and intention manifesting
-coffee
-trying to stay positive
-my maturity
-smiling
-acknowledging my anxiety attack earlier
-my beauty
-knowing no matter what it'll be ok and to just go with the flow