GRATITUDE LIST

[buttercup]

awful day today. spilled tea on my keyboard,volatile emotions,and feeling all over the place with moods such as empty,lonely,guilty,angry,etc,etc. realized my root chakra is quite unbalanced too so listening to music heal that and move up as i do my gratitude list.
-not being average
-having a mindset that doesn't believe in the limitations and restrictions the average mindset does
-checking in with myself to see how i feel and how i can heal it so i can balance myself. like,my diet has been crap again the two days and my mood went down with it so that shows i need to get back on track with diet.wrists been bothering me which shows holistically a lack of movement and ease in life which makes sense so i will do yoga for wrists.my body has felt weaker in general too like it's stressed and feel like it's calling for yoga so i may do some deep yoga the next few days.
-the junk foods i ate tonight. i know it's not helping me inside but sometimes you need to let yourself eat crappy food and feel bad.iit's the equivalent for me of the girl getting dumped eating icecream. had hummus,coke,candy hearts,and crackers and enjoyed it very much. funny enough,that doesn't even sound that bad compared to what some may consider junk food but for me that is bad.it's funny and interesting how my body has gotten all this weakness and pains and i've been overeating ever since two weeks ago. it shows i'm affected by things.my poor shoulders,wrists feel awful and my body just is craving yoga and i've been wanting to eat everything which makes sense since i feel so empty it's like i'm trying to fill myself up
-this root chakra music i am listening to now. it is helping. if i feel drawn to something that will make me feel good,i will do it as long as i don't get obsessive about loa processes,it's ok to do things you feel drawn to.
-the sounds of the cars at night,and the sounds of birds chirping. so soothing.
-my ex A contacting me randomly. it made me feel good actually. he was being dominant in a way some may find offensive but didnt bother me and trying to kidnap me. lol. he was saying he was drunk though and it was early and it seemed i was better off declining the invite. i almost went as it felt the distraction may be good for me but someone told me their intution told them i shouldnt go,and i also felt maybe i should keep my standards higher since it seemed he possibly wanted to hookup.however,strangely,after i declined,i felt in a better mood. being invited out boosted my mood and got me more positive again.
-my cardio workout and how good it felt to jump it out.
-after ex invited me out,i came across an inspiring thread on loa forum about ex back and that put me in a good mood reading it and taking some inspiration from it and seeing i'm not forgiving myself at all,i keep trying to backtrack what i did wrong and am not forgiving myself at all.i had felt inkling of that too the other day,that forgivenes is something i need to do for myself to speed up healing.i keep worrying of this or that wrong and eff that. that's not loving myself. loving myself is loving me mistakes and all and not obsessing,but being ok with it,and letting it go. how are you going to manifest if there's any un at ease anyways? so,cleared that blockage up.the thread inspired me a lot with being reminded to love myself and kept my vibe up again for a few hours.
-the little bursts of visualizing i did and feeling my third eye chakra move and the strong hits of energy i sent and the idea i had to use sexual thoughts to make it stronger since i've not done that yet either and know that to be very powerful. i will start doing more visualizing. it's a great skill to develop and very empowering.
-best friend saying that's exactly the symptom he gets too when i asked if the forehead sensation i have is what he gets,too.
-realizing i manifested best friend to be really into spirituality.i had affirmed for that for some time now and today he revealed he even believes in the possibility of past lives now
-my personality
-healing
-how empowered i felt from visualizing and certain
-that i can only go up from here. all the symptoms,and now i'll heal each one and move up more and more.i haven't been trying enough because i've lacked the self love but now i will.
-the aquarius info from the message boards online that helped
-how inspired i am after the last of crabby moods and a fight with best friend that made me feel like i'm using this energy of pain and anger and all this b.s and i'm going to become better for it,and stronger,and have a awakening.i'm going to go back to august. that bliss of august. after the pain of losing loved one,in august,i discovered something achingly intense and beautiful and affirming of healing that changed me and i had just moved to my new apartment and remember i told myself when i took time out to sort of heal and do some meditations and went to a very meditative place,i told myself to remember anytime life gets hard,i can come back here,and i'll be ok then. that place. that meditative place. it was the beautiful porch balcony i loved,but it was metaphorically the meditative place i spoke of since i knew the next day i'd be going back to life again. that's what i'm going back to. i'm using this unexpected setback to inspire me to me better,and heal in new ways,and become better then ever at loa and manifest new deeply healing miracles because i found something back in august and it was amazing and i can always go back there. it's funny but a memory of the last reflective thing i had in my mind back then was A who is intense connection i feel that i've never even kissed,and he randomly messaged right after that. that place is a magic place that sorts me out and allows me to manifest easy things that only in a low vibe place do i consider them tricky.i manifested texts from D in that place,to a check i thought would never come,all from just gently guiding myself there. it's amazing and eerie how much time has passed but solace is knowing time is no time,is one time.lol. living in a riddle soothes me. i'm so grateful for the super inspiration i got from all this intense wtf pain. the inspiration to be stronger,better,and remember truth again. i've felt sooo guilty,and i forgot what you seek is seeking you. my favorite quote.i think i did get lazy a little with B stuff going on and that maybe all this happened to remind me of how much better i can be and how much more for me is out there,and to push it otherwise i would get too lazy and lower myself.i mean,i didn't feel that at all with B. i got a little content,yes but still felt inspired to go for it,i got a little attached,but still loved myself,but maybe if i kept going down that path,i would've started to lower my confidence and i would've gotten content and the universe wanted to remind that hey wait up,you are powerful and can have so much and need to make sure you keep growing. again,thought i was growing,but maybe i had to make sure i was really ready to see how powerful i can be. maybe i had to do these crazy things i wouldn't have done if B hadn't said this wasnt working out. trying these dating sites just to affirm for me,it doesnt work and that you only meet people when it's right,and to contact J just to see thats done and to just know,and of course,that look you are in control of your reality but you are letting your reality control you. it's been a bizarre two weeks. scary,too.
-realizing how much i need to get my life in gear. bad timing,maybe but maybe also good timing,point is,i need to get it in gear.i have no idea where these last two weeks went! but,i have intentions for this year.
-how loving and kind i feel and want to be towards others.i am inspired by love of the spiritual sense and how i see spiritual teachers i admire being. it used to seem fake to me but now i admire it
-all the inspiration around me
-all the things i want to do
-keeping my thoughts positive in the moment
-the awesome vday ecard that is hilarious to send best friend
-acknowledging my feelings and healing and guiding them. knowing i create my reality.
-believing in certain things healing
-when certain people from my past tell me i'm a ---- when i say something complaining about my looks basically saying i have no reason to complain and reminding me to have confidence because i'm very beautiful in an above average kind of way and have already proven that.

-that the day passed and nothing bad actually happened.i had worries all day,and got through it with nothing bad.i know now tomorrow will be easier. and have a feeling by monday and sunday life will be better and smoother,and things will make more sense and good manifestations will come and that this time phase was just a mess but by then it'll be smooth sailing and clarity.

[buttercup]

-all the crying. it is a release i need and i know is helping me to heal and let go.
-understanding and learning myself through my wounds. i am learning i feel a lot of guilt right now and wanted B to feel my pain and the pressures i always feel that no one can understand and seeing how that's all connected.i feel not adequate and guilty about it.
-that it's the last day of eating junk food before back to clean eating and i'm excited for it.
-inspiration
-trying again another dating app just for being curious because i cannot fathom how people use these and seeing again this just doesnt resonate with me. i haven't clicked like to hardly anyone,and the 2 or so i did was just to have clicked anyone.i will be deleting this app probably monday. i think besides wanting to make sure i'm not being too old fashioned shunning these,i kind of wanted a one time rebound date to distract me a bit. no kissing or anything but drinks and a chance to complain about B to someone but that'd probably not actually help.
-my desire to open myself up and want to be vulnerable and expose my wounds.
-candies and sweets
-in the afternoon all of a sudden feeling that i don't care that it's valentines day in a happy sort of way,relieving way. it was then irealized i had subconsciously cared and made it out to be more important this time around and it was subconsciously making me less happy,instead of treating it like no big deal like i usually do. this made me feel such relief.
-the internet and all the cool creations on the internet in this day and age
-wanting to thank others and tell them what i appreciate about them
-all the things i want to do.i feel broken open. deciding i think i might buy some paint tomorrow and get into painting again and how healing it will be to get out these feelings and i want to write poetry too so maybe doing poetry paintings.
-something beautiful i really took to today,though i've noticed before but didn't take to it as much. playing with the tarot again,i dont know why i still do,but figured it was a good cue on my vibration for manifesting if nothing else and so pulled a card after asking question that happened to be a card in my head i said i hope,i don't get. then shortly after,i had been thinking about a different card i had gotten which was positive a few days ago,and got that. it was so inconsistent that it made no sense and was showing me the law of attraction in action! I was pulling the cards my subconscious had on it's mind. it was ridiculous and i had known it all this time,but it was showing me the tarot is a waste of time,and can be a very negative thing but in that,it showed me something powerful,the law of attraction at work! the perfect play tool to show the loa at work is to manifest picking a certain card. Think of that card,then draw it! I remember as a child having thoughts like this as the subconscious subtle inkling that we can choose things with our thoughts but i wasnt there yet with realizing it or believing it,as children we sort of know though,and adults when we arent clouded that if we are mischievious and think a certain thing,that's what we'll pull,and this applies to all things! we just get clouded and distracted and forget this truth. i know without a doubt all of this is my creation,because i can see years ago how i thought about it,and now it's here. even to things like the internet. it's very very freaky in fact,which is why i think the truth gets so distracted.i love this and love all my memories of flickerings of remembering when the universe was trying to tell me something and show me. pain is inspiring.i feel so broken up and am just now seeing the beauty of it. but,it's not in a soul lesson like others who were done,because i know B isn't done,this is different,i feel it.i didn't need to get broken open,i was in the midst of being on a path already from it,i think i'm just using this to open me up more while things unfold. because,it's going to be good,oh so good
-chatting metaphysics with best friend and realizing more things and saying how when you do energy sending on someone a few times,you never have to again,when they manifest back to you,because they end up always drawn to you from then on no matter what does on in your lives,doing that sort of creates a bind. the work now pays off.
-remembering i need to stop believing in psychic attack,and karma and other disempowering things or relying on someone else to send me energy as it weakens me to rely on that. it someone wants to,that's great,but i am the creator of my reality,and can change my reality.
-looking in the mirror and seeing how awful i looked today and aged. i appreciate that because it shows me what a low vibration and not taking care of myself is doing. i've been craving face yoga,yoga,clean eating,positive thinking,to get my eyebrows done,etc,etc and it's time to give myself more of that.
-all my ideas and desires.i want to go to sculpture park,paint,start doing more makeup and going glamourous with my hair and makeup more and take more pictures of myself as i'm really inspired by the power of makeup in the last months
-to start acting more glamourous and like a celebrity, not in a conceited way or annoying way,but in a being more charismatic way and holding myself higher and allowing myself to be an inspiration and to not care what others think but to trust myself and be a trendsetter. i imagine myself as a celebrity and can see it clearly and i'm beautiful and me,so that's how i will start acting
-that I HAVE gotten more of a control on my mind the last few days. it goes back and forth but it is getting better. it will improve even more.
-that i will clean the apartment start to finish as vday gift to my roommate
-a social possibility that popped up that looked fun. a meetup showed up in my email that actually looks like something i'd want to do and is the perfect meetup for me to go to. things are looking up,little by little,things are expanding.
-my power
-sweaters
-my favorite incense unlock
-the nice deep sleep i've been getting
-knowing how great I can be
-abundance
-the things i like
-all that i want to create
-positive energy
-how unique i am
-relief
-instagram
-relief that happens when you let go a little and get even just a little bit happy
-the certainty that if things don't happen anyday now because of my vibe,it'll end up happening super intense in a month or two but no matter what it'll happen because too much very strong energy for it not,to
-getting an online thing updated and organized a little. little things right now count,at least i'm being productive a little.

[buttercup]

-pillows
-yoga
-how healing last night was. doing face yoga and yoga and cleaning up my eyebrows and cleaning the whole apartment i felt so much better. doing yoga last night felt so good,it was literally pleasure,that's how sore my body has been from stress.
-during sleep in and out of sleeping,thoughts back and forth telling me it's time to let go of B now,it's time to move on and detach. it didn't quite get there though part of me holding on a little bit,but at the same time trying to push it,to push the detachment since i needed to while being guided to do so is what i think it was.
-the crying i've let myself do and how releasing it is
-sweaters
-the little meditation breaks
-vegan chocolate and clean eating and supporting charities by eating it
-all the chakra music i've been listening to. it has been playing a part in helping
-yoga. it's so needed right now and i need to do more of it
-focusing on healing
-an opportunity to hang out with females and go dancing in a favorite neighborhood of mine next week
-expressing my feelings
-a delicious high protein vegan dinner
-coffee
-water
-mason jars
-smiling and allowing myself to feel an inner smile even if it feels almost psychotic to do so considering things
-the freedom i am finding from all i have lost
-the paint materials i bought,and the beautiful,healing,blissful two hours or so i spent painting and immersing myself in a creative outlet. listening to my favorite songs that make me feel,while burning my favorite incense,and having tea and chocolate and just letting myself feel my feelings and let go. i thought more darkness would come out,but my painting is so light it's like candy. and i love what i've created so far.i am so excited for this outlet,and the perfect materials i bought,last time after the first time i painted,i couldn't figure out the perfect materials i had originally used that worked so well,and now i have. it feels so good to have an outlet and to feel and just let myself express and to be an artist and to create
-updating online work of mine and posting it on a social media and getting likes on it. it's been so long since i've updated that,and it felt so good to do so again,and it made me feel so appreciative of the work i've done and seen myself in a positive light,better then i had in awhile,it felt nice to see myself good again like that and reconsider my perspective of myself in a good way. and to be productive and do something i've wanted to do and put myself out there again
-all my ideas and all the things i want to do. there is no shortage of actions i wish to take,and things i want to get done,that is for sure!i am alive with desires,at least.
-laptop working better,thought not quite working yet. staying positive and knowing it will work next time we try
-inspirations and all the lovely things i am drawn to and adoring. third eye chakra open inspired lately. all the wonderful info and learning and re-learning about and wanting business partner to illustrate it for me and immerse myself in art of the third eye chakra open since it's a chakra i really want to work with right now
-all the things i am drawn to doing and will do still to make myself feel better,and heal more. because,i am drawn to them,not because i feel i have to. keeping it simple,and following what feels good
-freeing myself from opinions and influence that don't serve my highest good
-all the delicious food ideas i want to try
-my beautiful red tulips
-being mature enough to accept certain things and be reasonable
-delicious macarons i have yet to get to eating
-being pretty
-all the positive comments on a new work photo on work site and the validation that the photo is doing good
-being sexy
-that i have now detached from B to the point of no longer needing him. obviously,i knew that intellectually since the start,but now feeling it in my heart,and seeing ahead the fun and great i can have without him in the near future. i'm literally about a 1% away from being fully detached.i can feel it. i'm just about right there. and,i'm enjoying the journey now to getting there. i'm enjoying the being broken open from pain and remembering the important things and loving myself and showing the world how great i am and the delicious ecstatic bliss that will come from the journey of attracting him back. we get so caught up in things being one way and when it doesn't panicing because we don't understand,not realizing the beautiful wonderful ways we can turn things in our favor and find a way to enjoy the unpleasant by,for example enjoying the walk back to love,the walk back to one another,etc,etc just like Abraham says in one of my favorite quotes about the joy of the process of manifestation and the joy of it manifesting. enjoy the process and unfolding not just the end point and there was some quote relating it to sex of how the unfolding is like the buildup and the manifestation itself like the orgasm. kind of out there but use contrast to your benefit.
-loving myself so much now,more and more and all the ways to love myself. skipping coke for the first day so getting diet back on track and not buying any for the week when i stopped at store
-being a king person
-getting groceries today
-all the abundance in my life
-acknowleding my feelings,my pain,my confusion
-knowing this week is going to be pretty damn good and a fresh new start
-my ideas still to write out all the qualities B had that i really liked and to do quantum healing so i can go in deeper to manage my ocd since that's one thing that has been in overdrive
-how insanely inspired i am and that i'm the kind of person who gets insanely inspired from their pain.
-remembering what's really important and to not let the more petty things(like B)get you too down
-all the things i love
-me,myself,and personality
-being confident enough to be me,and to let go of the opinions of others
-that i am beautiful
-that i am talented
-that i am kind
-that i am accomplished
-that i've done cool things in this life,and will continue to
-that i am a thoughtful person
-that i march to the beat of my own drummer
-art
-work things to immerse myself in tomorrow
-managing all that i have to do and staying calm about it
-music. music that makes me feel deeply and resonates to music that is sexy to music that is just fun and cool
-possibly a sign about B,but if not,it's ok i had doubt about the sign coming so i know it's all good and will still work out
-all the beautiful things in life
-how high vibration i am. the first time i've been high vibration since B told me it won't work
-poetry,lyrics,and beautiful words
-double the likes on some pics on ig of mine i noticed today

[buttercup]

-how great i feel today and back to normal. the first day since the day after I last seen B that I feel back to normal again.i am sooo so grateful.i feel cleansed.
-sportsbras and how great i look in them
-inexpensive tanks in lots of great basic and young looking bright colors that really add to my wardrobe
-my lovely tulips and the great pic i got of them
-my lovely painting session i had last night and that I get to paint today again
-how free i feel from the pain of B and detached that I can cry almost. freedom is a great feeling
-deciding last night to text D before bed apologizing. I don't know why but i kept feeling drawn to the last few days so i just did. maybe i was worrying about karma and my harshness after how things got with B out of nowwhere which i don't even believe in or maybe i just was craving peace after B abandoning me,but it helped texting him
-makeup
-going for a nice short walk today
-the sun shining
-getting signs today! little ones that are subtle but still from the meetup changing to the place where B and I had a significant date of ours after it had been at a place he mentioned before,to getting an animal symbol twice,little things like that which make me go hmm
-my friend E texting me today.i was a little worried if he would or not but knew he had to and there was no reason he wouldn't and he did and invited me to a party this weekend oddly,enough,it might be a party of someone i met before which isn't the odd part,but that the person may know B,and definitely knows the woman B hates and other people B knows if it's the person who i think it is's party and I don't think E is close enough to me or B to try and keep me and B separated from running into each other or even would know to since it's not his party. i doubt B will be there,and he may not even know this person well enough but it's on his side of the city,and either way,i'm also getting more into E's circle which is some of B's circle. and,a chance to meet new friends.
-getting things done today.
-all the social media things to post
-that i woke up earlier today for some reason. a good sign,since i've been sleeping late and deep lately
-coffee
-all the likes and compliments on new work i posted,i even wonder if that played a part in E contacting because he seen that
-music
-how lightened my to do list now feels and how it doesn't feel like i have too much to do now
-art
-creativity
-how empowered i feel that i create my reality
-being above average in appearance
-abundance
-how much time i have today to do things
-how clean my apartment is
-being in the fashion industry
-my confidence going up
-that being patient with my healing has paid off
-smiling

[buttercup]

-meditation
-an inner smile
-mood perking up after a crabby start
-vegan dark chocolate
-protein water
-tofu eggs
-coffee
-going tanning today
-great music and discovering new songs
-a nice cardio workout
-getting the things iwanted to get done so far and having plenty of time to focus on some quantum healing meditating and visualizing exercises that i've not done in about two weeks
-my best friend who i can talk to about things when i'm upset
-positive attention and brava for work i post
-being inspired
-knowing i have to catch up,and distract myself positively to move forward and bring about my desires as hard as it may be.i don't know why after how great january was,feb had to turn so awful,but i'm too close to analyze and understand right now,and just need to pick myself up more and more right now
-great law of attraction advice
-open minded people and concepts
-funny comments online from people
-calmness
-yoga and that my body feels back to normal now after all the stretching
-that my health feels good again after waking up this morning feeling weak and having allergies
-spiritual cleansing work
-taking things one step at a time
-E inviting me to a st.patricks days party which i had wanted to have st.patricks day plans so that is now manifested and seeing he is now putting me in a little closer again of his friends which eases my paranoias and also keeps things flowing naturally for things to open up
-work people being cool with things i was unsure about
-seeing myself listed next to some famous people on a press thing. that was pretty amazing.
-being myself and being fearless enough to be myself
-all the praise i got on my art work i posted
-how talented i am
-high protein foods
-my beauty
-cool art and creations out there
-fashion
-the fields i work in
-being a cool person and knowing i have a lot going for me
-very positive good sign astrology for the week
-positive signs in general
-being opened up from my pain and unexpectedness of it all
-not being afraid to admit to myself i liked B and almost felt in love,all his traits,i even like his job
-that this week is going much better then last week and i feel much stronger,and that i've gotten rid of low vibe things such as dating app and am refraining from checking on low vibe distractions such as negative forums
-being easy on myself and gently reminding myself to better feeling thoughts
-learning myself and knowing myself
-sweaters
-paying attention to my feelings. for example,feeling urged that now is a time of change and a bubbling beneath the surface feeling that is making me almost antsy to make things manifest in my life for forward movement,not even knowing exactly what yet,just that change is calling.
-how great my body looks,perfect curves and slender
-how sexy i am
-people who try to keep in touch with me,or ask how i am,or think of me
-my third eye chakra and how much stronger it is getting
-all the different meditations out there
-being a positive person
-my authenticity
-exploration and new things to do

[buttercup]

-feeling clean
-third eye chakra opening sensations
-how real manifesting is and vibration raising is. it works!
-vanilla muffins from my favorite grocery store. soo good.
-coffee. so good,i want a second cup
-how abuzz life feels. it overwhelmed me today but i am calming now and also something sort of kismet feels about it,this surge of busy feelings and feelings of change needing to come and coming.
-all the social invites that have popped up. even though not all my desires have manifested,obviously,a lot of other smaller ones have popped up like crazy and with ease. that says something if you look..the other things WILL manifest. follow the smaller manifestations and appreciate them,and they may also bring you to the other manifestations
-that happiness is the way to everything we want
-deciding to post a travel notice for upcoming business trip and all the offers i already got
-first project from high end person i want to work with out of town offered today. super excited! it's happening.
-a good,but passionate talk with best friend about goals that was tense,but helpful
-deciding to go bring laptop in tomorrow
-possibilties
-energy from best friend bending reality about a fear manifesting and seeing it actually was something way different then biggest fear which also i had feeling about anyways that it wasn't something to think the worst of
-seeing how often i assume the worst and am wrong. and adopting pronoia since that's more often more accurate
-creative director being more chatty today
-all the people texting me lately
-my body feeling nice and sexy and tight
-feeling sexy and more confident
-staying mentally confident
-painting and how healing it is
-hot tea and how good it is
-being inspired and all the inspiration around me
-finding a picture i was looking for last night
-change
-getting more followers on instagram
-seeing people who rejected me paying attention to me
-yoga and how good it feels
-my new fitness routine i am changing to now again which will be light cardio,strength training but shortened in half to what it was and adding in a little yoga to fill in the rest.
-moisturizing lip balms and how good they feel
-an inner smile
-being kind to myself
-inner click telling me to change the story,and that this is all me,etc,etc during certain moments of quiet and clarity
-high protein foods
-how much better this week has been and appreciating the two weeks before that as part of the path,though still missing and preferring january truth be told. but it's all good,at any moment things can change for me,in miraculous ways
-law of attraction and law of attraction inspiration
-spirituality
-my power
-wonderful information
-all the quantum healing meditation i did last night,but only got to about 50 minutes so going to dedicate tonight to more and hopefully go for 2 hours if not i'll just keep doing it the next few nights until i feel caught up.this clears so many energy blockages for me and manages my ocd
-a quiet mind
-hypnosis

[buttercup]

-coffee
-almond milk
-music
-vanilla muffins
-art
-creativity
-talent
-creation
-being inspired by sex and using that as a primary artistic &creative inspiration for the next months or so
-the third eye chakra opening symptoms i'm experiencing.
-moisturizing lipbalms
-observing my feeling crazy,not able to sleep feeling and third eye chakra symptoms without letting it rule me
-water
-mason jars
-deciding to not complain all day
-my old work from primary career as a -----
-a new loa forum
-happy news in animal welfare
-painting as an outlet and how helpful it's been
-deciding i want to start dancing as a hobby for sex issues i have and noticing i seem to turn to painting for abandonment issues and dancing for my sex issues
-computer getting tooken in today
-all the meditation i did today and planning at least 1-3 more days of lots of quantum healing meditations
-best friend dropping another fitness class today so he can move forward
-my beauty
-my femininity
-my wild side and that i have a very sexy,free,feminine,unconventional personality compared to the average girl
-calming down on all i have to do and focusing on one thing at a time and staying in the moment
-smiling
-heat
-all that i have going for me
-finding a new loa forum i joined
-all the possibilties i have to make myself a better person in every way and more interesting
-style
-things to focus on to take me through my pain
-information online that soothes me that B situation is not something i'm alone in going through and that male virginity is a huge trauma/hit to a man of his age and for all i know it may have even made him cry after i left which makes me feel bad. he did look quite sad the last i looked at him as iwalked off.
-my faith
-all the strong energy from pain and visualizing and in combined with friend as well visualizing just knowing it'll hit back soon very very strongly and how exciting that'll be to see unfold. if not in the next few days or so,right when friend and i are off and have forgotten about it and onto new things,it'll unfold like a strong hit that'll be like wow
-all the past experiences to recall of sending energy intentionally and unintentionally and seeing how intense it would have something manifest even years later. it always works if not right away,eventually,it will and it always ends up feeling like a miracle and bizarre
-putting the fun into visualizing and energy work and realizing how enjoyable it is
-writing out affirmations before bed as i lay down and was drifting just because i felt inspired to,not because i felt i had to,and felt it'd make my mind feel a little cleansed and secure at a vital time since right before bed is an important time to have your mind on point
-style
-how great things are about to get for me
-how positive i feel without even really trying
-working in such a cool industry
-how amazingly supportive best friend has been
-how sexy i am
-being over D. already felt like i was way back in jan,but after texting him those few times this month,i feel like not only am i over him,but also there's peace too and not a feeling of what was that.
-learning
-reflection
-ideas on how i want to better myself
-support from others
-being easy on myself
-clearing my mind on overthinking and worrying what other's can think and realizing i am an engima and authentic,people can think anything but who knows really
-feeling filled with desires
-my quality tastes and having an eye

[buttercup]

-coffee
-how beautiful i am
-that i got my monthly time of the month finally. feels nice to have that after waiting
-the scalp massage i got last night and how needed it was and how much resistance it cleared. it was so ahhhh. felt so good.
-following what i feel will heal me,better me
-all the deep healing meditation work i've been doing and how much it's raised my vibration,cleared energy blockages,caused me to look different when i look in the mirror(better) and just feel more clear minded along with tiny little side effects such as the things they call "glitches in the matrix." i've had several of those and i celebrate them! because i know it's proof my work is working.
-the positive surge of happy emotion that came from my meditation deep work i was doing last night without me even trying. it made me feel so good. visulazation works so powerfully! keep doing it. even if sometimes it feels less powerful or harder,,keep at it,it will pay off and work,and get easier.i still have times where sometimes i struggle but last night,i stayed calm and focused and kept at it,and it paid off big time! it's a muscle you have to exercise. just like you'd work out your body.
-that my third eye chakra feels a little sore since i know it's from all the work i've been doing
-all the positive energy around me i'm feeling
-that i have abut 6 more sessions of the quantum healing meditations before i feel caught up based on what my goal was and will do them tonight
-vanilla muffins. yum
-manifesting that you can now edit instragram captions! wow! a little thing,but i've wanted this for so long and then after deep healing work last night,i felt calm enough to look at a post and figure out a way to write something more and added to it and found out i can actually edit the whole caption. this will save me so much from always reuploading and people thinking i'm weird for how often i do and give me so much peace! so grateful! i updated the app today so ican now do edit captions and also grateful that after that healing session,the words came to me to how to add to my post in the comment in a way that made me feel at peace
-how healed i feel,a life of healing,and loving myself.i'm seriously at a point now where i feel again,that i have desires but that i can also be happy RIGHT now and feel good
-time spans where B isn't even in my head. i'm so damn close,i know it and it feels so good!
-cleared energy. it's such a weird thing to explain to those not in the spiritual realm of things,but you just feel slightly different,calmer,and cleansed and just ..clearer. sometimes,when things are a mess,it takes a little more time,to untangle and find the exact method for clearing that's best,but it always feels so good and always works.
-that i slept. i had trouble again,and woke up late,but i did sleep
-how things manifest,little things right after energy work sometimes,like the time of the month and instagram ease of what to write as a comment and that i can now edit captions,too. little little things,but i know it was a release of resistance that attracted it
-that i'm not on dating sites or apps and don't need to be
-another work offer for business trip coming up that i'm interested in accepting
-focusing on upcoming business trip as a primary thing to distract me and feel good and how good it feels
-taking things easy and one at a time,and calmly,and not feeling rushed but just it'll all be fine and how great that feels
-that best friend manifested me another offer with place he got me an interview at before who turned me down because they couldn't afford to pay. it's part time work a few blocks from my house. he is really urging me to go and i didn't want to when he first told me since they already told me no and i feel so busy as it is but now i feel inclined to go ahead
-emails with K,a friend from the past and seeing how much i've changed since we last talked all the time and hung out. my desires,and who i am as a person are so different from 2013. i'm more mature now,more relationship oriented,more open with my wounds but loving and forgiving in a deeper sense,less petty,and my interests have changed slightly,too.i love it actually. and,love realizing life can be so good if you do the inner work and infuse joy and allow yourself to change without fear.it's amazing to see where i'm at and what i enjoy and desire now compared to then.i feel so much more evolved.
-feeling filled with possibility
-enjoying maturity and making maturity me,still having a child-like spirit but with the joy of allowing things to evolve.
-smiling
-an overall good day. nothing super exciting but just in an overall good mood today
-my wisdom
-the work i'm doing on loving myself placing careful attention of my personality
-deep breathing and how cleansing it is
-writing out affirmations in my notebook as i drift to sleep just because it feels good to and i'm inspired to.
-knowing i'm an amazing person,and feeling valuable without conditions placed on myself.i am loving myself unconditionally.
-that i create my reality
-things to look forward to
-being open with myself
-how beautiful my personality is
-the beautiful sounds outside of the wind blowing,cars driving by,trains,etc
-quiet.i haven't even listened to any music today yet. i love it. i'm really appreciating the silence
-the surge of happiness and how open i feel my heart is becoming and the surge of emotion i feel i almost want to cry,it feels so good.
-buddha and buddhism and the inspiration it gives me
-allowing imperfection and letting go
-all the learning and reflection.i so desire to blog and write but i know it's not time yet.
-root chakra healing.i did that after feeling i might need to and how up my third eye felt,and it put me right in balance after that! so good.
-spirituality
-insights coming to me more clearly now. like,the other night feeling like the quiet/empty feeling makes me sad but something telling/reminding me to sit with it like the Buddha and surrender to it,and that will bring me to a beautiful place and heal me,and now here i am today enjoying the quiet so much. it's true,quiet at first you may not like it and fight it,but keep sitting with it,and you'll enter a deeper place and cleanse from it and heal on a deeper level.

[buttercup]

-holy crap an amazing night last night,will just go over that in one bullet point for ease.
so,i went to hang out with E and that was nice. E and I got on well with each other and talked love life updates and i got it confirmed by seeing in person that him and B were not close at all and he didn't know we were seeing each other until I had told him. chatting with E and all going well and getting to chat about B and seeing as they werent close going ahead and telling him why B and I ended seeing as it wouldn't harm anything.realizing how close E and I had gotten after all this time.E telling me early in the night i'm super super hot. E's friend Y showing up and remembering me well and being nice to me though teasing me some and trying to flirt with me and being really nice to me as was everyone i told about B stuff including gf of one of E's friends when they showed up and her talking to me about it. My friend A showing up unexpectedly which was wonderful since i worried he was mad at me when he didnt respond to my last message and on his own without anyway of knowing I was going out with B,i talked to him about B and revealed to him about B and he knew exactly what B's problem was as he is seeing the girl B went out with before me and he told me she left him because they tried to have sex and he didnt know how and he couldn't get it up and that B is very awkward and inexperienced and that he thinks something happened to him in his developmental phase and it's messed with his head and that it wasn't me at all because what i told him was way too familar sounding to what he heard already from girl he is seeing of what she said. This was super healing and gave me a lot of closure. This all matched up to details B had said too and also reassuring was the girl A is seeing that B was seeing i found out is not the girl i had worries and jealousies it was,i figured it wasn't but on A's own I had confirmed who it was and that other girl i had worried is just some random girl A met once. Also from talking to E and finding out opinions on what he thinks of two people B knows that are his friends and that the older woman is considered unlikable apparently and that B's best friend is considered very awkward with girls and weird. It felt so good hanging with E and A again like I did early last year and it was such good vibes and i felt very reassured and confident. The birthday guy telling me I supposedly was already fb friends with him but deleted him which is so not true,i don't know where he gets that from and he showed me my facebook in his recent search activity which was interesting so apparently he's googled me before and he then added me to fb right then and there which is kind of weird so apparently i'm getting well known in their group of friends. Y hacking my facebook for a minute to wish a goofy message on birthday guys facebook wall after hearing that. random girls from the group being really nice and chatting me and pulling me over to join them and talk which i thought was very sweet and one girl saying she met me before who i have no idea who she was.E buying me a drink in the early part of the night. A buying shots for everyone in the middle of the night. Y buying a few of us drinks at the end of the night. When I was ready to leave,A and E looking surprised and saying why and suggesting we go somewhere else,so a group of us all did.A saying something thoughtful about how people like me and him like people like B because of what we do and how exciting it is,we crave that opposite factor in a partner,that stability. i thought that was so thoughtful. A groping me not because of liking that but because he did it in a joking way in front on everyone and i think E seen. dancing with the gf of one E's friends and how nice she was. E and and Y joining and how we all danced.A had left by now and someone else. E and I were dancing now.We were kind of close. I didn't think anything of it. E had been looking at my chest a lot before this point before we started dancing. I notice he does this sometimes. Then,he kissed me. We made out. The 3 people left of our group seen i'm sure. It was kind of a big scene we made. A year and half of tensions and vibing and saying to each other we are just friends and how great that is and now this. I had pulled a tarot reading before i went out and got the tower. i clarified it and got the ten of cups. now i understand. i also clarifed it again and got king of wands. somehow i can see how this all makes sense if i wanted to follow that tarot.i had felt bad for E because before we kissed his friends were lecturing him to just go for it and he was frustrated about asking a girl out and how to do it and we had both talked about our love lives in the early part of the night. maybe i always did think of E as a hero sort of since he was a good guy and always had invited me out and introduced me to friends. we talked after we kissed. i maybe said too much but also didn't say much. I revealed to A and then later E during the night after he kept saying he's not judgemental person that I cut myself after the B thing because of how hurt I was. it was an amazing night. it was chill and good vibes,and lots of compliments and feeling respected by women and wanted by men and like my friends care for me and that I win and am closer to them then B was. it's a small thing,and i don't want B to lose them or anything but I also knew B wasn't close to them anyways. Finding out too that B had texted E twice in the last two weeks which i think is quite odd and E had declined hanging out saying he was busy. Also,remembering that E had texted B when we first went out randomly and B had thought that was odd. They're not close to each other at all and i feel this is because of me possibly and it's kinda interesting. I had always wondered if one day E and I would kiss and something would happen later on down the line. Well,time flies and maybe now is that time. I have no idea what will happen now or what i want. I just told him no matter what i don't want to lose the friendship. We talked after we made out and kissed a little during and even kissed goodbye. That's not something you do to someone you just had a random make out with and that's it.
-all the pictures i took last night. and the pictures A took of the group of us
-A complimenting a selfie i had in my phone of my face
-coffee
-almond milk and how much better it makes my coffee taste
-french toast sticks
-finally trying uber out on my own for the first time and free credits it had so expenses going down last night
-getting my eyebrows threaded and how much more attractive it made me feel and younger it makes me look
-l texting me last night i think checking up on me and a little jealous
-how simplified life feels now. i had a lot to do and simplied and told myself i felt most best thing to do was eyebrows and go out last night,and then it came to me to try the uber since it was another thing i wanted to do and would kill two birds with one stone as i also wanted friend to finally figure out how to use it and now after playing around on it,he knows how
-my creativity and resourcefulness
-feeling in a high vibe mood and honestly,a little moved forward now from B and of course again,super super reassured
-how great a good night out makes me feel
-feeling like i'm winning again.i worried about feeling like a loser and now i feel like a winner and feel hot and remembering B is the nerdy one which in a way also almost makes me feel awkward
-sounds of the birds chirping
-how much more independent i'm becoming.i forget the progress i've made,but i actually am getting better and more independent and confident with things like getting around the city on my own and such
-how open everyone was last night.it was like it was just my night to shine and do whatever i wanted.even the meetup girl i thought i might go to later responded right away and was very open and that doesnt tend to happen with meetup people
-A revealing he is closer to B then E not that any of them are close to him just that out of any of the two it would be him because he's going out with the girl B went out with first

[buttercup]

-that it's monday and back to normal with things
-sleep since it heals a headache
-friend A also revealing on his own he doesn't work with this company and hates this guy i hate,too from company and complained about over the summer to him so now were officially on the same page,too so that was cool.i did say,i told you so.lol
-sound therapy. crystal singing bowls audios to quiet my mind down now and chakra healing music last night
-seeing how much that full week of intense meditating and healing work paid off by having me manifest easier,having more people drawn to me,and looking better so reminding myself to keep up with things i did last week. things aligned so well and i didnt even have to prepave(loa exercise)simply because i was meditating so much and following what feels good. meditating is everything.
-feeling clean
-coffee
-water
-warmth
-more then enough bookings for upcoming business trip that i can double book starting now if i want to
-a meeting tomorrow at gym that can now afford to pay me if i want to work there
-stomach being nice and flat
-feeling very sexy
-noticing ever since i started getting flowers regularly and doing loving myself things,my dating life has been much more active.i actually enjoy it. taking away societal conditions and just following things that invite more love into your life works like a charm.
-flowers. how much they intrigue me. from their beauty and their symbolism and femininty to watching how they respond to my energy which is creepy,to how they somehow invite more love into my life,i am so in love with flowers.
-my beauty,my face,my eyes
-feeling wanted
-how healing saturday night was and how it gave me a lot of closure.
-how active career life is as well
-makeup
-my love of beauty and dedication to it.i dedicate myself to beauty,femininity,and being beauty and femininity because i love how it makes me feel. it raises my vibration and balances me.
-how supportive friends were saturday night
-my friend K who i'm still emailing with regularly
-forgiving myself
-my eyebrows and how great they look
-the sense of relief i feel,and simplified.i think the feeling of waiting for something is what is now gone.i feel i got whatever it was i waiting for me. maybe the closure.i still want to hear from B,but also don't care if i don't..which is really,really,strange.
-a new instagram picture to put up that is social that i like how i look in and getting likes on it
-my goals
-a new selfie i like as well that i may post soon
-that i can now use today,and this week to keep on realigning my life
-smiling
-calmness
-the sun shining today
-knowing no matter what happens with career 2,i'll be ok,and have learned a lot,and will have a lot i can do and focus on
-all i've learned from career 2
-feeling very go with the flow with dating life and career life
-my fame
-living in a big city with a lot to offer and do
-fashion
-my style