GRATITUDE LIST

[buttercup]

-a shot of whiskey to relax me
-getting my eyebrows threaded today
-meditation
-forgivneness
-getting come coffee today,and how good it tasted with my cinnamon french toast sticks and banana fruit spread. so tasty and filling,too
-doing shopping today
-picking up a new purple sportsbra. a nice color pop.
-feeling pretty ok about trip and that when i get back new things to start working on,and putting in motion
-laughing at life
-fresh air from the rain
-my style
-my beauty
-my height and chic look when i wear mary-janes
-how i stand out when i'm out and about because of my stand out beauty
-getting my strength training in last night
-makeup
-my best friend and how amazing he is
-realizing everyone lies and to relax about my own imperfections. we always hurt the ones we love. i've been reflecting on that a lot lately. as long as we try to be better,more free,and are honest with ourselves,that is most important
-chakra healing music and listening to sacral and solar plexus musics with thetas last night.it really raised my vibration. for some reason,for me,lower chakras always need more work and cause me to feel more emotional whereas once i shoot up to the higher chakras,i quickly feel clear-minded and it's just easier healing.
-openness
-my spiritual wisdom
-hats
-hoodies
-just allowing myself to reflect,even if it's painful,and trusting that peace will come,and clarity,at the right time.
-instagram likes on my photos
-being feminine
-great quotes on femininity and feminine energy
-staying vegan even though i felt some emotions last night from more detoxing since giving up protein waters which have whey
and just all sorts of questioning myself feelings
-vegetables
-being smart
-my lips becoming more poutier and attractive
-ideas
-becoming more ok with imperfection
-my skin and face looking younger today. perhaps,the vitamin e

[buttercup]

-sportsbras and how great they look on me
-colors
-my style
-bananas and how great of a detox they are,and how easy they are to eat when they are medium sized and ripe. love them.
-realizing why i had the stomach ache today. i've been trying too hard,to go too high in protein which makes no sense for my lifestyle and bodytype after also talking to friend who has ideal body,much more active then me,and he only gets 40-something and i've been aiming for 50. Makes no sense. I even felt i had to get 50 that I ended up having an extra burrito even though nto really hungry yesterday and ended up with a bigger stomach,and a stomach ache. So,my body tight,but bigger. so,definitely going lower protein as i'm all about intuitive eating and diet should feel natural and 50 a day always felt like too much of an effort. So happy to realize this,and as soon as I did,stomach ache went away. Love natural healing and how identifying problems is often enough to make it go away
-going tanning today
-feeling shocked looking in the mirror today at how well-rested and young my face looked. it looked like i had slept perfectly and was extremely well rested despite not sleeping well at all,and feeling very tired. the undereye areas were very white,as if
i had applied makeup. i know this is the vitamin e. i'm amazed. will definitely keep using vitamin e.
-just now noticing music on computer has been playing straight with no problems without using headphones.i think my good mood healing my computer sound problem i have been having! love it.
-the sunshine today. it's so sunny out. it's brightened up my mood and my best friends. we've both been quite cheery and light mood today. it's warmer a little,too. love it.
-deep,full,cleansing breaths and how powerful it is.
-water
-the openness in my body
-cocoa butter moisturizers
-how pretty i am
-how tight my body is getting
-the industries i work in
-how amazing my ex A is,and that i've attracted very good first boyfriends actually that always made me feel very beautiful,and provided for me,and so on
-hoodie sweaters
-coffee,and how soothing it is
-those moments when you acknowledge blockages or when you are trying too hard. love it.
-the work offers i am getting
-all the new instagram likes and followers
-ideas
-deciding before bed that today would be a good day,and thus far it has been
-heart chakra musics and thetas i listened to before bed
-my lips getting more poutier shaped
-having a little direction of where i will with life come may
-mainstream people who believe in natural healing and are against big pharma and actually have empathy,such as dr.john mcdougall. big fan of him. he is my guide,really, for plant based diet.
-being smart
-style
-instagram
-embracing other sides to me more,like my writer side,and all it took was some positive affirmations. i feel it's one of the many things i repressed all these years,and somehow so amazingly,so many things i repress,i end up later embracing. so weird.
-realizing also about earlier item on list,that i prefer,and feel better eating lighter so trying to stuff myself with a bunch of food to be high protein just isn't me.. it's about enough protein. i think after going so low protein,i ended up overdoing it but now i get that medium point
-learning
-how memorable i am
-my power,and how extraordinary i am
-happiness being my "religion."
-minimalism and my desire to minimalize more and more

[ctcarr]

I am grateful for the True Creator and myself and everyone working to be a better person. The more I follow my heart and write about what I wish to know, the more I am beginning to understand that this journey we are on is not short and we are all on it together. I'm starting to see that the Creator is here with us everyday and that if it wasn't for all the people that let the True Creator shine through them, we wouldn't be in the position we are today to become a great civilization that surpasses the laws of nature.

I am grateful for the knowledge that is being shown to me each and everyday.

Thank you

[buttercup]

ugh,so depressed and moody right before i leave,feeling insecure and jealous,and inadequate.
-seen that the crush,A, i had that always has seemed like a soul connection despite only meeting twice,technically 3 times,but seeming to be a twin type connection is in the same place i'm going for my trip. he never goes there! it's very,very weird. i'm even afraid of seeing him at the airport now. it's also weird,because i always see things that are very telepathic like we are going through very similar things,and it's very eerie. We are very aligned.i have no idea why this is,we've only even met three times,2 of those times being very serendipitous. i almost want to cut this cord because i feel like a crazy person letting someone i hardly know who isn't all that,though i do admire him,have so much power over me. i also feel like a stupid person for some of the things i've said and done in the past that seem naive,and probably are misinterpreted. it's annoying because i speak too much from the heart and then sometimes later,am like that's now what i meant,exactly. ugh. it's because there's so many ways to interpret things,and it drives my head,with how ocd it is,crazy. if me and him aren't meant to have something in this lifetime,i just want him gone. i mean,after YEARS,we get thrown into an encounter together which i thought meant we'd get a chance and that we were meant to be a couple,but in the hardest year of my life,i messed that up and then i experience all these strong serendipties with him,like he's my twin,and have him do these things like he's trying to say we are meant together by how he messages me after some time after i flake on him,and the weird very strongly moving serendiptious thing he vaguebooked that seemed aimed at me.on one hand,i feel like he's an angel,and he manifests into my life during very high vibration moments but then on the other,maybe i'm crazy and it's all in my head. the only pattern i can see,is very high vibration moments. it's like i need to be very high vibration to get him to manifest. it's odd.i just really don't get his point,but i feel it's a positive purpose and that he likes me deeply but then on the other hand,i feel like a crazy person and it's embarrassing. so,am i grateful for this,seeing him where i'm going? it didn't make me feel good,it made me angry. besides that,i seen my ex A is also out of town same time as me,right before me so that i thought was kind of serendiptous and cool since right after we hang out he left,and now i am leaving and didn't make me mad,but this thing with crush A has more reason to make me mad. it seems everyone is out of town,too which triggers my feelings of wanting to travel more then i do. on top of that,some jobs are having scheduling issues,so have to be re-arranged which has stressed me out and made me insecure.i feel inadequate about me,and my own life.i really do. i also know,i am ready to move forward with life,and am so freaking ready to when iget back because i've been nothing but feeling stressed since march about life,and feeling stuck.i know in my heart,i want to do more of primary career things.there is even one girl i found on ig,who is kind of exactly where i want to go with things that is an inspiration,you could say. i want to go hiking,and organize my life,and do more of my primary career things,and feel reconnected with people. so,there you go,i appreciate getting in touch with these things and for good measure,i appreciate that all of this just affirms more for me that reality is a hologram,a dream,that we create via the law of attraction,and that reality is subjective and that's why such weird as heck things happen.
-quantum healing meditating before bed
-getting call sheet this morning for first job. made me in a good and excited mood. thanks to meditating,too for helping with this
-business partner chatting and talking about hanging out
-great fashion photography
-deep cleansing breaths
-cleansing,cleaning,and detoxing
-coffee
-calmness and simplifying
-how damn young my face looks. it's almost shocking to me. vitamin e is really paying off.
-that ifeel very forward moving with tons of ideas on how to move forward,and desires to make manifest and just more direction coming to me.i just need to try and calm my insecurities down and feel motivated.i have noooo idea why my emotions have been more intense lately.
-knowing i can choose my vibration,and my reality,and clean and clear and change my perceptions,which is my reality
-music
-when just doing what i want,with less thinking,makes me feel better,and more clear
-cocoa butter moisturizer and how great it smells
-checking in for flight and getting good seats
-being a rockstar;one of the cool kids. that's what it's all about,just have to hold head high and believe it on the inside.i often radiate that charisma but at times do not and seem like a frazzled person who doesn't know who they are
-breaks
-taking steps to better my life and myself. jumping in even if i fail,so i can learn and be better

[buttercup]

-fun
-beautiful,summery weather once back in town
-feeling completely rejuvenated now that i'm back in town.i am reminded why people who travel a lot are just generally more detached,and free flowing. i feel so moved forward from so many attachments.
-realizing from this trip how freaking too hard i have been trying lately,and how THAT has been what's blocking me. From makeup,to exercise,and work things,and so on,i have been trying too hard internally like i need to try and "perfect" myself before i am adequate to live is basically how i've been and now i finally feel free from that. i've also learned some simplifying things too to some of the things i tried too hard with.
-learning proper makeup technique from a makeup artist that is actually much simpler then what i had been watching and trying on my own and just seeing how simplified makeup is and reminded that with what i do for a living anyways,i don't need to be trying too hard with makeup,but just be myself and have fun and play with things
-amazing makeup techniques that inspire me and make me look amazing
-vegan cupcakes. soo good. and having the best cupcake of my life quite possibly
-places to eat where i traveled. why are the food places there sooooo much better? especially with my diet these days,i prefer the food there much more compared to before when i thought food where i lived reigned supreme
-working with people who were sooo nice and laidback and valued me
-creativity
-getting surprise money after a job. so amazing how the universe takes care of you.
-how amazing the service was at virtually every place i went to while out of town. why are people so much friendlier? it's amazing to me.
-being able to progress myself compared to a few years ago,and do things i didn't do before and see and experience that
-new ways i intend to progress myself now
-joining a new music listening site which makes life more efficient and that so far,i love
-great music
-being able to see business partner and that she offered to pick me up,and meeting her family which was surreal,and the things she gave me along with taking me out for a drink and some food. on top of that,all on her own,as if she knew telepathically she suggested a new game plan for our business which is perfect,and somehow knew i feel done,and she feels the same way. so woo-hoo,direction in my life with that area which is one of the biggest areas i had been feeling aimless about! on top of that,this new idea may be much more financially fruitful. so grateful. it feels like a breath of fresh air,and i felt no hesitation or blockages about this,it just felt really easy to let go and move
-going swimming and having a nice swim day that was secluded pool,and getting some sun and progressing with things related to that,including more body confidence compared to years. the sun was so soothing,and compared to years before,i also preferred the sun bathing more then being in the pool.
-best friend and how amazing he was and how much he's progressed and how he seemed more relaxed and present,too
-after anxiety on the flight in the beginning,deciding to identify things that cause me anxiety in general lately,and have gotten in my vibration and realizing there are a few things to either cut out or integrate to improve peace,and nix anxiety and i also read one of my favorite spirituality books which inspired me that this is my belief system and i really have been too negative lately,and that tarot is such crap and that I create my reality,and happiness is my belief and just how absurd and silly it's been that i entertained tarot at all. i have no desire to go back to that,it's just stupid.
-vegan food
-being back on a good sleep schedule now. another thing that had interferred with my peace,has been my awful sleep schedule before i went out of town the last months. now i'm back on a much better sleep schedule,and have so much more time and find things so much easier.
-realizing i have spent way too much time on the internet and paying too much attention to crap as well so that's another thing i'm cutting back on. just doing less!
-people actually even remembering you and your orders from the day before where i traveled. just so impressed by the great service
-beaches
-vitamin e. one amazing thing i noticed is i took a lot longer to get pink compared to usual when i'm out there,and i know it's the vitamin e. and then when i did get pink it was not as much as usual,and i pretty much went direct to tan(again,unusual for my skintone). it amazes me what vitamins do for you when you learn the right ones to integrate. so pleased!
-pictures i took
-flowers. so many amazing vivid blooms
-realizing and remembering an important part of me is the writer side and that i will be more of that now
-water. i got faint a few times from the heat. water was amazing with helping with that.
-having a stomachache the first day before a job but then very easily it went away right before the job. so amazing!
-that after anxiety on the flight,i read a favorite loa book i brought and starting sending positive affirmations and visualziing things going well on the trip and amazingly the first day was quite perfect
-just being able to travel. it is so healing
-new food,unique foods.i used to be so boring for the longest time and basic,and i'm quite proud of the unique foods i get to eat and try now
-lemons and lemon water.i finally tried that when i got back and was pleased with how i felt almost drawn to keep drinking it,and it made my nails harder. i really need to tune into insights more often,as it was an insight that drew me to lemons
-all the instagram likes
-lemon tea
-coffee
-my digestion going perfect again as soon as i got back to town. that's one thing that wasn't so great,is because i wasn't drinking enough water due to time and there not being many public bathrooms where was at.
-that i'm more confident and independent in some ways compared to last time going where i traveled
-doing things that i never did before independence wise this trip
-taking uber to airport and back which had never done before for going to this city. was so nice.
-feeling like i'm still out of town and also deciding to just slowly ease back into normal life things again
-yoga
-being me
-cocktails
-whiskey
-how slim my arms
-how tight,and toned,sculpted,and small my back side is. in clothes,i have a really great looking backside
-how easy it is to get protein and realizing that as soon as i stopped resisting that,it became sooo easy,an example of this as yesterday where i didn't even think about it,and naturally exceeded the amount.i block soooo many things by trying too hard with protein,beauty,exercise,and so on and then wonder why i dont get results i don't want. but when i relax,and am non-resistant,things are easy and feel natural
-high end people commenting my instagram photos
-all the instagram likes and follows lately
-that it's springtime which means certain things are only going to get easier
-being able to keep my door open because it's nice out
-nature
-my talent and skills,and things i'm good at and can offer the world
-finding more people who are against doctors and vets and hearing their reasons and stories which makes me feel so much better to not feel so alone in my views.i almost break down into tears when i hear these other people including a certain doctor who is against big pharma.
-realizing about some past things i feel regret and pain about that i've had to heal,that things aren't as bad as i thought,and flowed,i cared,kept my loyalty,and was going through things that made my decisions best for all involved and i'm not as bad as i think. just more healing of my perceptions in general and forgiveness for myself
-all the new life ideas and actions i'm ready to integrate
-already taking a positive action the day i came back that's been a small minor blockage that will be cleared
-realizing how stupid i can be with being hard on things and not seeing things clearly(ocd) and worrying what people think just to later on realize how stupid i was and that i was better then i thought,and to just be myself and that people end up doing things just like me anyways later on and to just follow my path. be inspired,but follow my path,and embrace where i'm at,and accept it
-getting some new flip flops while i was out of town since shoes i wore were no good for where i was at,and all the walking
-my style,and how naturally without trying,i have a great style fitting in where i traveled that was effortless and on point
-nice basic tank tops
-that i'm slimmer then i think
-all my ideas
-freedom
-dark chocolate that is vegan with cherries. so soothing
-my porch
-entertainment
-nightskies
-the sun
-being more comfortable with being confident,and being me,and not being afraid to come off as conceited to some,and having a soft confidence.i am in a certain industry where it's ok to be that way,and others may not understand
-my wisdom
-how relaxing tonight has been
-relaxation
-my computer
-realizing i sit too much and so one thing i will also do better,is moving around more when i am home
-movement
-freshness
-new energy
-newness
-the sounds of the outside at night. it is so soothing to me
-the moon
-scalp massages
-face massage
-feeling very optimistic about the future
-breaks
-just the energy of where i traveled integrating in me
-the glamour of my life
-people who support me
-romance
-art
-love
-letting myself cry when needed. i totally burst into tears on trip and there was something that went wrong,too but overall it was all good,and i believe all happened for a reason
-getting that last minute high end job offer
-my beauty
-having a very fashion,high end look and embracing that more instead of trying to look more like a glamour type look
-just how much i've grown as a person
-my kind heart
-that i've become the kind of girl who can cry at the slightest emotional heart string being tugged now.i've always been sensitive but never cried this easily.
-that my lips have become poutier
-that i have a sense of humor
-

[buttercup]

-vegan burritos
-pineapple soda
-how great my digestion has been
-water
-lemons
-going shopping at store i've been wanting to check out for while
-very cheap wine at the grocery store so picked up a bottle
-getting some new makeup
-travel pics to post on instagram
-all the new instagram followers and likes
-vegan icecream i bought today to try made with coconut milk
-the beautiful,warm weather and how great it feels to not have to wear a jacket and to wear flip flops and shorts
-getting on a nice sleep schedule and how wonderful it feels for my body to feel ready to sleep at that time
-getting dishes done
-spotify and all the great music i've found
-being myself
-sleeping deep,and all the dreams i had. on top of that,i've felt weird feelings not coming neccessarily coming from me,including B.i am not interested in him at all though so he can go ahead and lurk me all he wants. also had dream of ex A giving me hair products and chocolates for some reason. i've had two people with the same name,perhaps the first one was the presynchronicity of sending me an invite all of a sudden. I'm not sure if i felt E thinking about though,he is the one who sent me the invite that triggered irritability in me.i feel completely moved on from him. this trip did that for me,as in..from the friendship,too. it's so sad,but i feel i'm ready now to just let go of the friendship. what other choice do i have? it breaks my heart i never got to be part of his regular friendship circle,and it'd make me jealous a little and then i see he invites me to this huge party he is having this summer where he has invited everyone,like tons of people,more then i've ever seen on an invite of his.i clicked maybe at first,then changed mind and said no. i need to let go and not hold on. i even see B's best friend on the invite so for all i know B himself could be on there even though you'd think he hates B. It hurts how some of these people have treated me but they can all go F themselves. E is nothing but a rich kid who can't even get a girl and plays constant games. All i can do is ride it out and be happy and align with new people and experiences entering my lives. Funny this happens today,on a significant number omen day for me,but yeah,today is the day I let go of E as a friend and am ok if i never see him again. Maybe he's been thinking about me a lot because he's left my mind or maybe he's got a gf now but i was afraid of losing the friendship back in Jan,Feb,March,and April,and now i finally am ok with if i never see him again. Like,really ok. I don't know why my fate tends to be friends who are only short term or people i only see once in awhile but it's all good. I really thought E might be different.
-emailing K. she had sent me an email so i replied to that tonight
-realizing i am mad at myself too. seeing certain things like crush from the past A is moving really close to me has affected me a bit and just made me feel very stupid in ways. just about how internally i try soooooo hard,and am not trusting enough of being myself and it's just a lot to think about. it's certaintly a season of change and a whirlwind of transition
-the feeling of newness.i feel ready to find new people in my life,i feel ready to go and do things that will make me happy and bring me joy. so many things have gone away,from my friend A,and J,and so many others,it's just life. It's just E's turn. The only difference is,I had closure on those others,and understanding of why things came to be. I had thought E's purpose might be to prove to me I can change the pattern but clearly,i couldn't and he was nothing more then an acquintance who had a crush on me.i feel like i don't even know him.
-the rain. i love the rain so much in my apartment,because it's so peaceful to sit on the porch while it rains. the view while keeping dry is so peaceful and nice.
-my vitamins and how beautiful they make me
-that i can create my reality. the power of happiness and that I can create things i want and how empowering that is. i can create opportunities,miracles,reconnecting with others,new people,and so much more and how fun it can be to play with that!
-my dancers poise when i am in certain positions and poses that naturally is there
-evolving and change
-discovering new songs
-being me,my tastes and preferences in things

-

[buttercup]

-the sun
-starting yoga outdoors on my porch and how amazing that feels
-how my face is changing somehow,and it's amazing. i think it's the vitamins.
-the power of non-resistance and how as soon as i let go with protein and decided on a lower amount that i think is best for me and more natural..i now find myself exceeding it and telling myself how easy it is to get protein
-pineapple soda
-clean eating nourishing food
-police in my district for making me feel safe after a very creepy incident happened with hearing odd sounds of soft repeated steps followed by just as get to my door to lock it,someone shows up on the top of the stairs! i had quite a panic. the police caught him,said his story matches up and was unarmed and brought him to train station and police even came back a 2nd time within 30 seconds after i panicked and thought i seen him again and stuck close the first time they left.i am grateful.i still can't get over how eerie that was and wondering why that really happened,and have been jumpy at nighttime ever since. even this whole incident,feels dream-like,like something i'd dream,and makes me wonder more about the true nature of reality,and multiple realities and symbolisms and dreams.
-wheel yoga pose and going back to doing more yoga.
-creating my own workouts
-rompers
-lemon water
-my ex A wanting to go to dinner with me this weekend
-right after getting really mad at E and even writing in my notebook about what do i want and writing i want E to stop being stupid,lo and behold today he texts me! first time in almost two months. the power of letting go,i'm sure since that's how i've felt.
-how strong my arms are getting from wheel pose,and how slim they are
-vegan ice cream made with coconut milk
-all the job offers kicking
-the social offers kicking in
-the interesting things i'm curious to possibly do kicking in
-talking to roommate about how certain thing affected me with feeling like i have been a little trying to keep up with the joneses perhaps,and maybe would be ok with moving to a neighborhood not far north,but that it makes me mad that i've been triggered twice recently especially the last one,to finally feel like there's nothing wrong with living in my neighborhood or side of the city,nor do i need to feel embarrassed and how stupid that is. and,that i do want to move out of my neighborhood but might be ok with staying on my side of the city i'm on but just going a little more north. it makes me mad though that i've not seen how part of me was being and that my true desires,i'd rather just more freedom above all else.i don't like feeling like i've been influenceable,but the truth is,every single person is,at least sometimes,on some level. for so long,i thought north side would give me more freedom,and everyone i know is on north side,and seeing more people are on or going to south side now,has made me annoyed,but maybe it's a lesson from the universe to dream big,but also be yourself.i just also realize every time i covet a neighborhood,eventually that person moves anyway,and how stupid it is,and to just be myself,and follow my own path,as not everyone is living in those upscale neighborhoods.
-my new sleep schedule and how much earlier i wake up now
-music and listening to music on with my headphones on music site and all the songs i'm discovering
-the warm weather today
-all the travel inspirations. even food in my city is dulling me now
-how moved forward i feel
-how happy i feel today
-being confident
-my ideas
-how admired i am and how influenced people are by me
-movies
-how much more peaceful it is going to bed at a more normal hour
-hearing my brother tell me about an experience the day a loved one left that he experienced too and him saying this on his own and out of nowwhere about how the day i told him,the sky and the outside just seemed really quiet and peaceful and how weird that was. I felt the exact way and have no doubt in my mind that was something. And,was a sign that the universe had just had an angel enter heaven. I was crying on the porch remembering that worst day of my life,and how peaceful the sky felt. I love her so damn much and it really isn't fair.
-i must be in a really surrendered state because another thing,is i picked up a bottle of wine the other day just on instinct,and sure enough found a use for it,as my mom wanted to stop by for my brothers birthday and so we had wine. so perfect. love being in the flow,and those kinds of experiences and following instincts. it was also eerie,bittersweet,and sad how much of a moment it felt like for them,like i had really done something by having them over. it just seemed like one of those moments that would playback later on down the line in a flashback of life moments..it's weird when that happens..when you have those moments that you feel are that,not even by your own intention but just the feeling you get
-reassurances
-desires
-my beauty
-feeling filed with possibility
-how open i feel
-getting work done this week
-detoxing
-how high end i am
-my kind heart
-following the intuitive way,for diet,life,style,fitness,and more
-how new things feel
-chakra healing music
-how flexible my lower back is
-well written and interesting stories
-how i curate and my personality
-coming back to myself,more and more
-how i've changed over the years

[newfreedom]

vegan ice cream made with coconut milk

... sounds good x

[buttercup]

... sounds good x

i love it.

[newfreedom]

i love it.

i've never actually tried it, must make an effort ! xxx