i really need to get over bad memories

[buzzcock]

I am living alone after a 5 year difficult relationship. We have children which my ex has with her. I go there on the train when I can to see them.

The relationship was a nightmare a lot of the time, my ex has masses of issues and i have tons of bad memories of her being aggressive, screaming in my face, humiliating me in public shouting at me in crowded places, keeping me always confused and unstable by asking me for conflicting and self contradicting things, making chaos and confusion. I keep having stages where I'm OK for weeks and the bad memories crash in and I'm sick ffor days, self harming, punching myself, getting ill.

She's like 2 different people,she turns from a vulnerable, gentle kind person into a cruel mocking person and she doesn't remember what she does when she changes, she denies it.


When she's miserable she just pours despair and anger on the people around her, angry at people on the radio, angry at the newspaper, she just sits in the corner talking about how crap we all are and how crappy her and her family are, in a mocking triumphant voice, and i can feel it pulling me down like sinking into mud. Nothing wins, I've tried shielding and ignoring her and she just turns back into the gentle self and apologises and then pulls me back down again when I trust her. Then lose control at the constant bad feelings dumped on me and become aggressive and she smiles triumph "I told you all men were violent". If I point out that all her family don't want to see her she just uses that to do more despair moaning.

If you look at the wiki page for destabilisation that describes how it was and how I feel.

There have always been times she improved, last year I was living apart but close and I was seeing friends and she decided to sort herself out and stop being negative all the time and got out to see friends. But she started arguing with her relatives again and dumping it on me, asking me round so she could shout at me about her relatives, using me to dump her bad feelings on.
After months of this I screamed and pushed her over and she moved away 3 hour train journey.

When I go and visit she's either being seductive and ass kissing or difficult and miserable. and it's just the litte things, like always I'm fine and she starts saying, what's wrong with you,why are you being weird, and its her in a bad mood not me.

I just can't describe, I worked so hard helping with the kids,I did so much, and she just screamed at me and gave me putdowns the time. Even now she was giving me little putdowns about my body when I visit

[buzzcock]

Anyway, I made the thread because, I currently do not see a permanent way out of being angry all the time. I'm fine for months and then it comes back and I'm self harming. I just felt like ♥♥♥♥ for so long, set up for constant failure, being Told constantly that I'm hated and in the way, being told constantly that I messed up , being screamed at for everything going wrong, and then begged back with suicide attempts when I tried to leave. Holding her while she talks in a baby voice "please don't leave me again, I know I act crappy but please forgive me and stop leaving me" and then being told the next day that I forced her to let me back in, when it was her begging me. I just dream of punching her all the time. I have bruises on my body from hitting it all weekend.

[IA56]

Anyway, I made the thread because, I currently do not see a permanent way out of being angry all the time. I'm fine for months and then it comes back and I'm self harming. I just felt like ♥♥♥♥ for so long, set up for constant failure, being Told constantly that I'm hated and in the way, being told constantly that I messed up , being screamed at for everything going wrong, and then begged back with suicide attempts when I tried to leave. Holding her while she talks in a baby voice "please don't leave me again, I know I act crappy but please forgive me and stop leaving me" and then being told the next day that I forced her to let me back in, when it was her begging me. I just dream of punching her all the time. I have bruises on my body from hitting it all weekend.

Hi buzzock,

I know exactly how that feel´s, I was raised up in that kind of inviroment....and when I at 17 yrs old had had it...and moved out, it was not just to leave as you may think, but being screamed at that I do not make it without them??!!...I was never appreaciated as I am...I should have be born boy...and when that did not happen, my mother accused me for being arrogant and be born to make her feel bad??!! I have tried to talk to her about these things, she does deny to ever have said these things to me....

so....buzzock....there are a saying that illustrates that we never can please everyone...so the best thing is to find out what makes me feel good and just try to please myself in the first Place and learn to say NO what is harming me...

The saying is: The one we bow infront of...will see the one who is standing behind our back...will accuse you for mooning at him....??!!

Make a stop in your life...make a good rewiew how your life is now...and take away all what harms you ...and start to say NO and get more control whom you will spend your time with...YOU are tittled to OWN life... you was not born to be a pleaser to them who does not value you or appreaciate who you are....even if they are your family...if they do not change theires behaving towards you....tell them that you can not live under harrasment and confusing...back and forth behavings....

You are strog enoug to start to value you as you are...perfect!!

When you visit your Children, you do not have to spend time at all with her...get the Children out for a play time, or take them to your home, you do not have to listen to Childrens mothers bad behavings...You have only obligations against your Children, take responsigillity as a good father, keep your mind healthy and well...so you will give quality time to your Children and take them out of that inviroment where she harrasses you infront of the Children...show to your Children that is not okay...otherwise you will give wrong Picture to accept bad behavings....you must be a good and healthy role-model to your Children...how on Earth will they know that theires mothers behavings is wrong and harmful?? You have to show them and make it stop your ex wifes bad behavings!! by saying NO...and only say..you come to see your Children, and if she does not behave good, you will not tolerate to be talked that way at.

Love
ia

[buzzcock]

Thanks. I feel embarrassed now at all I wrote. Its stuff from the past that is finished, over. I've been having a great positive time with lots of friends. But I got down and poorly Fri and it all fell apart. I need to get back in touch with positive good energy. As for your mom not admitting what she said I'm sure she never will. My ex called my mom the c word. Later said I'd made it up as she is a feminist who would never use the word.

[IA56]

Thanks. I feel embarrassed now at all I wrote. Its stuff from the past that is finished, over. I've been having a great positive time with lots of friends. But I got down and poorly Fri and it all fell apart. I need to get back in touch with positive good energy. As for your mom not admitting what she said I'm sure she never will. My ex called my mom the c word. Later said I'd made it up as she is a feminist who would never use the word.

Dearest buzzock,
You should never feel embarressed and it is good to get all the negativity out of you....That you had to tell this once again, was not maybe for you, but someone other out there needed to hear this too, so remember we are living in a multi dimential World with many many layers and habitants of conciousness so to speak....the only way to make a difference is when we are in a bound form...as in a body....so...Think next time you need to vent your feelings or what not...that you might have bean triggered by other none physical one who need it to be expressed in the formed energy level....
Does this at all make sense to you??

We are here to help, right??!!

Love
ia