Quote Originally Posted by buzzcock View Post
Well, I have had some bad times with relatives and family in the past. I often, very often replay arguments and fights in my head where I "couldn't win" because the other relative had "ran rings" around me, said things to me that would make me guilty if I said them back to them, even if the putdown applies to them as well, smirk at me when I ask them not to hurt my feelings, then have no memory of it afterwards so I feel crazy. I often obsess over ways to make them see and things I could have said to defeat them and stop them driving me crazy. I try RBs method of imagining it on a polaroid which I turn over to see my image of whatever is sticking the memory to me, then attacking the image with visualised tools, but theres so many little memories, they feel like non stop infestation of little insects in me or something sometimes.

Thing is..some of these people, I have defeated them, I've refused to see them for years until they were contrite and tearful and now they're different..but it does nothing for me. I needed to have defeated them at the time, ...the person they were then, not the weaker needier person they became who was easier to beat. I dunno, I feel nuts. I've said horrible things to some of these people, things I would never have gone out of my way to say to someone unless they were mentally wrecking me for so long first, but i feel disgusting. People dragged me down to their level, and though I fought to stay calm and keep my head they fought on and on untill I gave in. And I did and said horrible things myself.
Dear buzzcock,

What is to win?
and
What is to accept?

There is nothing to win ever, period.

To understand this ...sit down and make lists where you write a column with adult and Child.....when you where Child how horrible this do sound you should obey your parents, even the truth is there is horrible parents who never should have had Children, because they only take their own hurt on their own Children because they was not able to speak their mind when be a Child....
Then compare to be adult and how you would have bean able to speak your mind in same situation...and if you can see from where your parants are coming and what happened to them, then you will understand why they treat you so bad or to take out their hurt on you, because they can, and this make them feel powerful, but they have forgotten the hurt child they whare from beginning, and this made them to become bad parents.

Forgive and brush it off...be a bigger person...it is not easy but there is never anything to win, and trying to do so it only feed wars.

To see the difference between being a Child and adult, has helped me to forgive people who hurt me for these reasons, they where not able to defend them as a Child and they have become horrible adult to take out all this on Children, because they can.

Forgive yourself for being carrying this hurt so long inside of you and feeling bad.

Know you are Worth all the Love and happiness there is, and there is plenty of it, it will never stop and everyone, everyone will get it if they stop purshing it away...LOVE is for EVERRYONE!!

Accept this has happened and make love grown in you.

You are perfect and Loved as you are.

Love
ia