PDA

View Full Version : Just for Fun a joke ....OBE NDE Astrologically laughing



Aunt Clair
30th May 2006, 05:20 AM
Posted: Mon May 29, 2006 5:25 am Post subject: Funny Astral Joke
on AP forum :http://astralforum.kiwibonga.com/viewtopic.php?t=230

How the Twelve Signs Deal with Near Death Experiences:

ARIES: "Who's in charge here? I'd like to see God right now, please. Am I dead? Gee, I never thought that could happen to me! Where can I get a crystal palace backlit with white light like that one?"

TAURUS: Leaving the body, Taurus realizes that he or she no longer has a stomach and immediately returns to the body (thud!), without seeing tunnels, light, God, etc., making Taurus skeptical for the rest of his or her life.

GEMINI: The key thing to the zodiacal twins isn't the experience itself, but how they can embellish it when telling the story (or writing about it). Since Geminis are comfortable in all worlds, except those without telephones, they usually bounce back to the body fairly rapidly-- and the mouth tends to work before the rest of the body comes back to life.

CANCER: Cancerians can live to be 125 years old, and they don't usually have near death experiences, but they can come awfully close to having a near life experience when they get brave and venture out of their house for "supplies."

LEO: "Nooooooo, I am NOT dead. I am not, I am not, I am not . . . Who are those guys in the white robes? What's that they're singing . . . ? They're off key. I can sing better than that! Where's the choir director? I need a microphone immediately. Unless it's Rolling Stone or Spin, hold my calls."

VIRGO: Working a marathon 60 hours straight, Virgo collapses and leaves the body. She moves through that delightfully clean and sparkling tunnel of light, occasionally reflecting upon possible improvements . . . but soon becomes so worried by the thought of her loved ones "managing" without her that she snaps back into the body like white lightning, sits up, and calmly pronounces herself alive, glancing at her watch.

LIBRA: Floating out of the body, then in, then out, then in, and finally out again . . . Libra sees a tunnel and a vibrant being of light at the other end. "Wow, is that Jesus? Wait a minute, maybe it's Kwan Yin. That looks like something she'd wear." Never deciding whether to go through the tunnel (after all, what's death without someone to share it with?) Libra ends up back in the body by default, hounded by a mysterious compulsion to start a dating service for discarnate souls.

SCORPIO: Since most Scorpios have nine lives, they tend to brainstorm different ways to trigger the near death experience. Once nearly dead, most can barely get to the end of the tunnel without meeting some being with whom they have astral sex. When asked whom they prefer to greet them on the other side, 75% name a favorite vampire, and Medusa is a strong contender.

SAGITTARIUS: Sag floats out of her body and has to laugh at the stupid way she bought the farm. After somehow BREAKING the tunnel of light, she absolutely refuses to return to the body, since she's been trying to get out of it for all these years (via clumsy accidents). Because Sag is immensely curious about whether the so-called organized religious have any validity at all, this stroke of luck leads to some amaaaaaazing lessons, until, alas, the astral folks tire of her and trick her into returning to Earth for the duration.

CAPRICORN: It might take Capricorn a little while to realize he's dead because there are special rooms set up to look like executive offices for newly-dead Goats. A sharp-looking, older gentleman-ghost comes in and gives Cap an instruction manual titled HOW TO PROFIT IN THE ASTRAL MARKETPLACE, plus a "job evaluation" type assessment of Cap's achievements and mistakes over the lifetime, followed by a pink slip (meaning the body revived). Caps tend to return to their bodies quickly, unable to tolerate non-physical existence for long.

AQUARIUS: Aquarius gets to the pearly gates, sees that heaven isn't run by consensus, and opts for hell, where at least there is an appealing anarchy and rules are made to be broken. Ironically, Aquarian near-death experiences tend to be extremely traditional, i.e., God the Father, St. Peter, the celestial choir and so on (another reason to rebel and opt for hell). Once in the underworld, they bedevil the hell out of Satan and his cronies with their loud and vigorous campaigns for progressive reforms, and are quickly expelled back to the body.

PISCES: For some reason, our Piscean friends barely notice their near death experiences. Instead, during a typical day at the office, many Pisceans report seeing beings with long-suffering expressions on their faces and who patiently tell the Piscean to go back to his or her body.

Freawaru
30th May 2006, 08:09 AM
LOL, thank you, AC, for giving me these laughs :-D

BTW, I think the NDE of Saggitarius is ABSOLUTELY fitting, curiousity mingled with scepticism and a certain impulse to challenge authority (I am a Sag, as you might have guessed) ;-)

Dear, dear, now I know why I never could stay there - they tricked me somehow... ;-)

Thanks again :-)

CFTraveler
30th May 2006, 08:49 PM
LEO: "Nooooooo, I am NOT dead. I am not, I am not, I am not . . . Who are those guys in the white robes? What's that they're singing . . . ? They're off key. I can sing better than that! Where's the choir director? I need a microphone immediately. Unless it's Rolling Stone or Spin, hold my calls." :lol: :lol: :lol:

Freawaru
4th June 2006, 03:49 PM
LOL, CFTraveler, not one prone to inferiority complex, right? ;-)

Do you have an idea what the "breaking of the tunnel of light" for Sag refers to. I mean what aspect of the zodiacal sign induced this?

CFTraveler
4th June 2006, 09:16 PM
LOL, CFTraveler, not one prone to inferiority complex, right? ;-)

Do you have an idea what the "breaking of the tunnel of light" for Sag refers to. I mean what aspect of the zodiacal sign induced this?

Clumsiness? Others go through it, Sag breaks it... :lol:

Satori
5th June 2006, 06:44 PM
"Who's in charge here? I'd like to see God right now, please." :lol:

Akashic_Librarian
5th June 2006, 08:17 PM
Good Stuff

wstein
6th June 2006, 05:23 AM
"Who's in charge here? I'd like to see God right now, please." :lol:

Look in the mirror.

Beekeeper
6th June 2006, 10:52 AM
That was really funny, Aunt Claire. Oh, but maybe it wasn't. Anyone interested in joining my dating service?

CFTraveler
6th June 2006, 12:31 PM
That was really funny, Aunt Claire. Oh, but maybe it wasn't. Anyone interested in joining my dating service? You know you made me look through the whole thing just to look for the dating service thing.

6th June 2006, 07:19 PM
I like my biscuts ;)

CFTraveler
6th June 2006, 07:34 PM
I like my biscuts ;) OK, now you're messing with me. Let me guess- Taurus?

Beekeeper
7th June 2006, 07:18 AM
What's this about curiosity and cats, CF?

7th June 2006, 08:02 AM
I like my biscuts ;) OK, now you're messing with me. Let me guess- Taurus?

Of course :)

CFTraveler
7th June 2006, 12:31 PM
What's this about curiosity and cats, CF? It's a sickness- :lol:

7th June 2006, 07:24 PM
Astral sex, vampires, and Medusa...yeh, that sounds just like me. :roll:

On the other hand, hmmm...I have wondered what astral sex is like, I love Anne Rice books, but I don't have snakes sticking out of my head. :lol: Maybe I just can't see them.

I sound pretty dark! Muahahahahahahaha! :twisted:

8th June 2006, 03:00 PM
PISCES: For some reason, our Piscean friends barely notice their near death experiences. Instead, during a typical day at the office, many Pisceans report seeing beings with long-suffering expressions on their faces and who patiently tell the Piscean to go back to his or her body.

:lol:

Scorpyn
9th June 2006, 12:07 AM
:lol:

So this is why I plan how I'm gonna write the words in the journal while I'm doing the MAP stuff 8)

Beekeeper
9th June 2006, 09:57 AM
You know, Painterhypno, I thought to myself, "I knew CF would be a Leo." My next thought was, "I wonder if Painterhypno is a Scorpio or a Gemini?" Now you've answered my question.

But, in typical Libran style, I'm about to qualify this with, "I don't believe in 12 categories of personality." I'm open though to the possibility that it's the alignment of other planets in the birth chart that makes all difference.

CFTraveler
9th June 2006, 12:57 PM
Beekeper wrote:
You know, Painterhypno, I thought to myself, "I knew CF would be a Leo." Must be the bossiness/self-involvement combination. :lol:

9th June 2006, 03:29 PM
Beekeeper wrote:

You know, Painterhypno, I thought to myself, "I knew CF would be a Leo." My next thought was, "I wonder if Painterhypno is a Scorpio or a Gemini?" Now you've answered my question.
Ackk! I've been found out!! :lol: I always have thought that Scorpio is the meanest, cruelest sign of the whole Zodiac. :cry: I do have something rising or on the cusp, or whatever that doesn't make me typical. You can tell I know a lot about astrology, huh! LOL!

It's funny that CF and I both felt the need to respond. :oops: Freudian?

Beekeeper
10th June 2006, 01:18 AM
C.F two of my dearest freinds are Leos. Painterhypno, the other best friend and my sister are Scorpios. My kind of people.

I'm an air sign. Put air with fire (Leo) and it burns more brightly, put air with water (Scorpio) and you get bubbles. Lots of fun!

"I always have thought that Scorpio is the meanest, cruelest sign of the whole Zodiac."

That's so something my sister would say.

I've got a Scorpio rising, btw, so we can both work on our meanness and cruelty together. :lol:

Freawaru
10th June 2006, 06:58 PM
Do you have an idea what the "breaking of the tunnel of light" for Sag refers to. I mean what aspect of the zodiacal sign induced this?

Clumsiness? Others go through it, Sag breaks it... :lol:

Oh, yes, LOL, the accidents... see how clumsy I am not even seeing the obvious ;-)

You know, my husband is a Capricorn and he got me really rolling on the floor laughing when - while the subject zodiacal signs came up in a discussion with some friends - he declared "I am a Capricorn and Capricorns do not believe in Astrology!". :lol:

BTW, I always thought the Scorpions are the most funny ones. My Astrology book declared their typical way of dying "to be shot - in the back!" ;-)

Oh, and Patty, it seems to be also "typical" for Scorpions to be perfectly unlike Scorpions. You know, the All-or-Nothing ones :shock:

10th June 2006, 09:19 PM
Freawaru said:

he declared "I am a Capricorn and Capricorns do not believe in Astrology!".

That's hysterical! Sounds like something I'd say without thinking. Hehe!


Oh, and Patty, it seems to be also "typical" for Scorpions to be perfectly unlike Scorpions. You know, the All-or-Nothing ones
Yeh, that sounds like me, too. "All or Nothing". I'm constantly "accused"? of delving into something, becoming consumed by it to the exclusion of many other things, and then dropping it and moving on to something else to be obsessed by. :lol: Ok, now you're giving out ALL my secrets! :oops: :lol:

Skydancer
14th June 2006, 06:01 AM
I'm having one of those nights where I just can't sleep so I'm here reading. Thanks for the laughs!!! I think Libra would see both Jesus AND Kuan Yin instead of just one or the other. Why decide if you don't have to is my motto. By the way... that doesn't mean i'm a libra... of course it doesn't mean I'm not... :) Now if I can get just a little more sleepy I might try a conscious projection tonight since my mind is so awake. I laughed so hard reading scorpios blurb. Too funny!

Cheers!