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Johnthelegoman
12th December 2012, 10:10 PM
Hi posting this here for lack of a better place to post this.

My problem is kind of a two part problem

My family including my girlfriend don't share my views on spirituality with is okay but I feel that hey judge me for it especially for my choice of becoming vegan. It's okay that they may judge me but I'm still not fully okay with it

so part one of my question is how to deal with not being able to talk to your family and loved ones about spirituality. My girlfriend is the most accepting and she at least listens to me witch feels good.

I know things I can do I know I need to have more open conversation with them about the subjects it's just hard when they think I'm crazy! I just want to hear what you guys might have done to deal with this toe of issue.

My second problem is I alway feel the need to help people especially family and loved ones. I never act or think I know what's best but I always try to share what works for me. Witch is mostly meditation.

For instance my girlfriend is in college and gets stressed out like anyone should and I tell her to try meditation and she does but she doesn't really try and it's the same with anyone else but it's just frustrating when I see people who could really benefit from it nd wont even give it a shot it's just frustrating!!!


I do dislike being the baggy person that wants to help everyone i know I dont appear thT way it's just how I feel inside . I wish I could learn to just focus on myself and know everyone will sort themselves out when they want to.


Please help if you have any idea at all how I feel

Johnthelegoman
12th December 2012, 10:49 PM
One thought I have been Gavin lately but scares me is that it doesn't matter in the very least what y family or anyone else thinks...

Its hard growing up thinking one thing and then having another completely different thought come into your head. Not only do I feel there judging me doesn't matter I feel like we're completely different in almost every way and it's okay..

What scares me is I've always been told family is everything they didn't bring me into this world because I was adopted at birth but they've always been there thick and thin... Kind of....

Johnthelegoman
12th December 2012, 10:54 PM
Also I believe that I create my own reality. But there are some Problems I have with it. Can other peoples realities effect my own? Is it true that fluoride is bad for us and that it blocks some of our god givin gifts if you will.

Is this only true if I believe it to be? If it is bad for us is it only true that it's in our drinking water if I believe it to be? If it is true that it's in our drinking water and It I bad for us isn't that someone else effecting me? Or is it only if I believe it to be?


If some thigs like the food we eat and the water we drink do effect our realities the reality I want to create is to move to Maine live of the land with my own deep well and share this physical plane with everyone else to the best of my abilities


Thanks to anyone who answers this confused being

ButterflyWoman
12th December 2012, 11:00 PM
What you're wanting to do is not a simple task. All of your life, you've looked to your family and others for approval (we all do, it's just part of being human, and in some families, it's really enforced in a big way, too).

You can start by simple things like reminding yourself that your decisions don't have to match other people's expectations. When you feel all weird about their disapproval, use a simple phrase like, "It's okay to be myself" or whatever feels right to you. That will help somewhat.

But, in the long run, the only way to REALLY get to where you don't care about other peoples' approval is to basically rewire your entire worldview. This is something that can take years, and it's not always a comfortable process. If this is what you want, you can achieve it with a combination of intention (sincerely intending this to happen for you) and surrender (to the process, to the circumstances that arise as the intention manifests and unfolds). Keep in mind that this is like having your house rewired. It's gonna get messy, no matter what you do. It is, however, very much worth it; this path is difficult and sometimes painful, but at the end of the transformation process, everything is differently better. Took me decades to go through the entire transformation (my transformation was more than just not caring what other people think, though; you may find that a lot of other stuff has to also be unravelled at the same time).

I can honestly tell you that I sincerely don't care what people think of me, my life, and my decisions. I do try to avoid unnecessarily offending or hurting people (that's compassion, not caring about approval), but, meh, what people think is none of my concern. People can disapprove of me all they want. Basically, if people are going to be judgemental and disapproving, they're going to do it no matter what I do or don't do, so I may as well do what pleases me. ;)

This was not always the case, and that's an understatement. I was a pleaser, or at least, I sought approval (because I was taught to do so from an early age), and my entire self-image was grounded in what other people said or thought of me, or what I imagined they said or thought about me. I'm so glad that's gone now. Life is much more enjoyable when you live it for yourself, and not for other people.

DarkChylde
12th December 2012, 11:09 PM
But, in the long run, the only way to REALLY get to where you don't care about other peoples' approval is to basically rewire your entire worldview. This is something that can take years, and it's not always a comfortable process.
ditto.

Johnthelegoman
12th December 2012, 11:32 PM
Thanks for your response. I've been getting the feeling / thought for a long time now that I'm goog to new to do some serious serios work to get to be where I want to e with myself.


The feeling I've been Getting makes sense with what yor sayin the solution is. The scary feeling is that almost everything I've been ever taught and socialized to be is not truly who I am but it is what I learned. And now i need to unlearn it to become who I want to be.

Johnthelegoman
13th December 2012, 01:05 PM
Butterfly for you is not caring what others thinking about you different from not caring about those you've created to be in your reality?

CFTraveler
13th December 2012, 02:15 PM
Hi John.
It's apparent to me that the conversation has progressed to talk of solutions.... but I just wanted to address something from the first post, that occurred to me when I read it.
Have you ever read a book that made no sense to you at all- you understood the words but it seemed stupid or simply was incomprehensible, as if the author was speaking from another planet or from an experience so foreign it lost all sense? And then, ten years later, you find the book, re-read it and suddenly you get it? Like all of a sudden it makes perfect sense because now you can get what the author meant, and realize the first time you read it you weren't 'ready' for it, but now it's invaluable?

Consider that your family members are at the stage when what you say makes no sense, because they just can't understand something that is foreign to their life - as if you were speaking a foreign language. So I would take it easy, realize that, like for you, there is a time when you're ready to 'get' something, and when they're ready for it, you'll be there to guide them.

ButterflyWoman
13th December 2012, 11:36 PM
Butterfly for you is not caring what others thinking about you different from not caring about those you've created to be in your reality?
Yes, it's different. I care about my husband deeply, and about my children, and about family members and some close friends. I don't want to offend those people, beause I don't want to hurt them. But the bottom line is that whether or not they approve of me, my life, my decisions really doesn't matter. Their approval or disapproval is their business, not mine. I may choose to do things that I know they'll like, but I do that because I choose to do it, not because I hope to win their approval or avoid having their disapproval.

Some families set you up so that you feel like if you don't gain their approval, you're actually HARMING them. Well, you're not. They're harming themselves with their attitude that if someone doesn't do what they say, it's harmful to them. I grew up in a family like that. I was twenty-six before I figured out that my mother was NEVER going to approve of me, no matter what I did or did not do, and I stopped trying to get her approval. The thing is, she set me up to seek approval from pretty much EVERYONE. Friends, teachers, other family members, etc. It took a long time before I got to where I realised that other peoples' approval has NOTHING to do with me, and even if it did, I don't need it.

Basically, I have no use for peoples' disapproval. People who habitually disapprove of me and my life are not people I keep around me. I haven't seen my own parents in eighteen years, just as an example of this. They don't approve, they judge, they try to control me with their judgement and disapproval, and I'm just not having it, full stop.

Happily, all the people I have in my immediate reality now are people who love me the way I am, quirks and weirdnesses and all. I don't get a lot of "disapproval" any more. I'm sure there are people who still disapprove (people who read various websites I've written or judge me by something I might post on Twitter, for example). Now and then one or another turns up to express their disapproval, but it's rare these days. I just don't want or need that kind of thing any more, and I don't need other people to tell me I'm okay. I AM okay, I AM fine. If others think otherwise, well, whatever.

DarkChylde
14th December 2012, 12:29 AM
i'm just going to add in another thought here , sometimes when an issue like this arises , we as tend to give other people the advantage of getting away , for example for a long time when something like this happened , someone with a conventional or a very conformed attitude would say "this is very bizarre , it's not normal , how do you expect me to approve of this ? no one goes around claiming all this spiritual mumbo jumbo , and i worry you'll outcast yourself or get yourself branded as psycho, you have any idea how hard it is to fit in these days anways as it is, why make it harder?"
My response would be to let the person "get away" with all that , afterall aren't we as spiritualists a minority?.

Over the years I've learnt that my opinion is just as important as anyone else's and i refuse to be made feel badly about it.It wasn't always like this.

I come from a very religious Islamic background , its very male-dominated , very homophobic and orthodox - from a very early age (as far as i can remember actually) i took a lot of heat and disdain from people for just being myself , everyday i'd come home from school roughed up (because i'd refused to be bullied) , when people i knew "friends" would tell me that things would smoothen out if if only i would just "give in" or "put up" with it silently - I realized in my formative years that people only accommodate what they understand and fearfully despise what they don't and that had nothing to do with me.

Still much later on ahead , slowly overtime i stopped reacting with any anger or aggression whatsoever , what happens is that when your view itself changes "you stop punishing yourself for someone else's stupidity" , which is exactly why i don't even find myself reacting to animosity , disdain or antagonism (stupidity).

On a more spiritual level this has helped me immensely to "cull" out people effectively , iv'e dropped the toxic friend , iv'e disengaged the serial gossip , iv'e cut out the intentional offender - after all isn't the whole point to surround yourself with love light and laughter? .......ok i think i unintentionally quoted AC lol :D

Johnthelegoman
15th December 2012, 04:11 AM
Butterfly. I love my girlfriend very much I'd even go so far as to say we are soul mates. Not fully understanding what that term really means that is. But none the less I care for her deeply

But at the same time I have this thought/feeling If she passed away I would miss her very much but at the same time I know I would be okay I would get through it an still be able to be happy. I don't think she feels this way. And I kind of feel guilty for feeling this way.

Were you ever in my shoes or understand what I'm saying?

ButterflyWoman
15th December 2012, 05:43 AM
I kind of feel guilty for feeling this way.
Her feelings are her business, and guilt is a completely useless emotion that solves nothing.


Were you ever in my shoes or understand what I'm saying?
Well, I've never had a girlfriend. ;)

I know what you mean, but I can't recall any relationships where the other person was that dependent on me. Maybe one or two, but a long time ago, and I was pretty messed up and codependent myself at that time, so I can't really say how much I was contributing to the mutual-neediness.

I can tell you that these days I would never last long with someone who expected me to make them happy. Happiness is from within, and while some situations are less pleasing than others, nobody else can make you happy or unhappy. You choose to do that to yourself. I know this because I spent years making myself unhappy and blaming it on other people, and now I recognise it when I see it in others, and I generally back away slowly from people like that. It's not that I lack compassion, but it's too easy for me to get drawn back into those cycles of drama and codependence, so the minute I get a whiff of it, I'm outta there (as kindly and as politely as I can)

If I'm responsible for my own feelings and attitudes and perceptions, well, so are they, for their own.

[EDIT] And I just now saw this and thought it appropriate to share in this thread:

513

Johnthelegoman
15th December 2012, 04:02 PM
Wow thanks so much for your response it was every helpful. My happiness definitely comes from within and part of my struggle I think is that I care for this girl and want her to realize that her happiness also comes from within.

I really like her and think she is capable of realizing that even tho right now I dont think she does but I don't want to make her.



Looks like I've got a lot of thinking and prioritizing to do.

Johnthelegoman
15th December 2012, 04:18 PM
Did a quick re valuation thanks to you butterfly and realize I am in a somewhat codependent relationship. I do know my happiness comes from within tho and know I would be okay and live a full beautiful life regardless of what happens.

Any advice maybe some kind of meditation or guidance that could help me. I want her to realize her happiness comes from within I think it would help her relaioznship a lot.

I know this is not your problem whatsoever so I am extremely grateful for whatever input you have for me of any.

On that note I also think our physical world that we seem to share ( in my eyes at least) we are only as weak as our weakest link. So maybe it's your duty to give me advice! Forgive me if that sound UHm arrogant and lazy of myself i don't really think its your job to help me or ayone else