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Genesis
25th March 2014, 03:59 AM
Hey everyone. I had no idea where to post this, but I really like the crowd on this forum so I thought I would let you know of my problem in hope I might get some helpful replies.

So here's my situation. I live with my parents and sister. My dad has always been an eternal kid. He's never held a "real" job, and he's been making money by questionable means all his life. He was making a lot of money at one point in his life. The problem is, he always wasted it as fast as he made it; women, drugs, alcohol and so on. He was "generous" with strangers as a way to show off, but never with his family. Lately, he's been running into money problems. Despite having made probably a few millions in his life, he has no savings. Now when my father has money and has his regular dose of drugs, he's generally in a good mood. However, in the last year or two, now that he has less money to get high all the time, he's in a terrible mood most of the time.

Today he went too far. I had gotten in a few fights with him in the past, but this intense. As soon as I came back home from work and school today, he starts calling me an idiot and saying I have no talent whatsoever and that I won't do anything good in life. I ignored it a bit, but he kept pushing so I replied calmly and explained to him what a mess he has become. This obviously enraged him even more, till he got to the point of calling me a dog, and saying that if he went and got a blood test he would be sure I was not his son, that I was a sissy and so on. I replied that I wish I wasn't his son and then he kept on yelling. I just left home and went to see some friends because I was tired of being around that type of energy.

Anyways, everyone in my family is tired of this. My mother and sister and I are now seriously considering moving out and leaving him on his own. My mom deserves better than this. He's treated her bad all her life and he's made it uncomfortable to even go home after a long day. I feel I can't truly relax and feel at ease here anymore. He's always negative and never had anything positive to say about anyone. He gets jealous when my mom praises me for my academical or work related achievements. I feel like I'm more mature than my own father, which isn't normal. I know he isn't a bad person deep down, as my mother often told me he was a completely different man before he started doing drugs. Still, he's the type of person that is so proud that he would refuse any kind of "help" and deny having a problem till the end. I would like to help him in a way, and I would feel a bit guilty in moving out, yet he's pushing us all away and even telling us that we are a financial burden and threatens he's gonna leave us and move, so why not just do it?

What do you guys think? Has anyone dealt with a similar situation? Please let me know. Thanks!

Dreamweaver
25th March 2014, 04:37 AM
Well.

This kind of situation is my job in life to heal. Here's some advice: you can't change another person. The best you can do is take good care of yourself. Having a toxic person in your life is painful. Do not expect toxic people to take care of your feelings or needs or to recognize, admit to, or want your forgiveness for the pain they have caused. You will have to take full responsibility for nurturing and healing yourself.

So nurture and heal yourself. It may be a good idea to talk with a counselor who is experienced in working with families and children of addicts and alcoholics. A support group may also be worth exploring.

I wish you the best.

IA56
25th March 2014, 05:13 AM
Hi Genesis,
I want to give my support for you, I know all about this kind of family because I grew up in one.
I have suffered a lot I left my home at 17 yrs old to survive...I end up in bad relationships because of my family background.
I was 24 yr and turning 25 when I met a really abusive man and he did lift up my whole issue what I had already forgotten, but by this horrendes preassure he did put me through I did get in contact with my HS and was educated in our indestructuble core and that no one can harm our core and that I shouldn´t be afraid of a man who is hurting my body, because I am not my body.
When I did get him out of my life I have bean working with bad memories and other memories to solve my issue with my parents and so on...today I am free from shame and guilt and I have forgiven myself and others so it does pay off to do the depth work...

I did counseling for several years first, until I did come that far that no psycholist no more could follow me into my depths and I have done this work by finding this group for instance, it did make a tremendeous difference to find RB and this community, to know that we are more than our bodies even I knew this already but to find people who know it also is very valuable and wonderful to be around, so welcome.

You have to find someone to support you and do the counselinge work as far as you need, AA has support groups for relatives to addicted parents...this is the best group as all who are in these groups do know what it is all about to live with addicted people....so do contact immedieatly one of these groups ...

I send you supporting energy and love.

Love
ia

ButterflyWoman
25th March 2014, 06:35 AM
First: My heart goes out to you and your family.

Yes, I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. My father wasn't a substance abuser (thankfully) but he was (and is) an obnoxious bully. Add to that, my mother was (and is) mentally ill most of her life, and they're both highly dysfunctional in all kinds of ways. I'm not going to go into details because it's not important, but suffice it to say, it was a very difficult situation, especially for someone acutely sensitive to the point of being empathic.

I have no real advice for you, because it seems that the situation is not something you're in control of. I hope, sincerely hope, that your mother will have the courage to leave him. Yes, because nobody -- NOBODY -- should have to take the kind of abuse your father dishes out. Yes, he's messed up, blah blah blah. He can choose to heal, to change, to grow up. Compassion is a fine thing, but not to the point of allowing and even enabling people to abuse you.

I will tell you this: He's 100% wrong about you. He's 100% wrong about probably almost everything. If he had any answers, if he knew anything, if he had any insights or vision, he wouldn't be the abusive mess he is. So while I know full well he's done a lot of damage to you and the rest of your family, believe me: He's wrong. You are a wonderful creation. We all are, but very few of us ever come to see it or understand it. He certainly doesn't believe that he's wonderful (he knows how messed up he is; he just lacks the courage and strength to do anything about it).

Maybe if he gets a wakeup call and loses his family, he'll get himself together, but right now, my concern and prayer is for you and your mother and your sister. Getting away from his poison will make you all feel infinitely better, as well. I hope that can happen. I hope he wakes up to himself, and I hope you and your sister and mother can get away from his abuse and start to heal. The situation is not something anyone should have to tolerate. :(

All my love and compassion to you in this. It breaks my heart. I wish you well.

John Sorensen
25th March 2014, 12:16 PM
The bottom line is that people on drugs can NOT be trusted. They are not themselves. Being on drugs is like a type of possession, it brings out all the worst qualities, and falsifies signals in the brain that further distort the personality.

I have no advice except endure, and know that this situation is temporary, and one day soon you will be free of this influence. If things ever turn violent, walk out the door, you can come back, but leave go to a friends place or otherwise seek an aid organisation. You DO NOT have to put up with that crap, it is NEVER justified and your father is clearly an incompetent parent.

CFTraveler
25th March 2014, 01:58 PM
Is he physically violent with your mother (or you or your siblings?) If he is, leaving him might be more complicated than logistics- there are shelters your family can try when you first leave. If not, I pray that your family heals so you can build a life from a good foundation, if possible.
Sending you some positive energy or whatever you want to call it.

Genesis
25th March 2014, 10:38 PM
Thank you all for your helpful replies. I really appreciate it.

My parents are actually divorced, but we got back to living together about 8 years ago. My parents aren't together still, we just decided it was easier to all live together since we all still got along back then. As for my dad being violent, he hasn't hit my mother ever since we live together but he has been violent on an ocassion or two in the past. He also hit my sister about a year ago for something quite minor. I wasn't around to stop him unfortunately. So yes, he is prone to violence when he's in strong need of drugs. I'm sure he would have already hit me if he felt he could do it without me fighting back. I obviously don't want it to get there, as I could hurt him really bad if I wanted but I'm not a violent person.

atsguy
26th March 2014, 04:29 AM
Here we are on a forum that has people leaving their bodies, developing psychic abilities and healing abilities, kundalini evolution and so much more. Yet, most of the time it seems like that area really doesn't help to solve anything relating to the major problems in our lives. Either that or most of us just aren't as skilled or developed to be able to use those abilities to create immense changes in our lives. And it really sucks because here we have a community of so many people interested in spiritual evolution, yet we cant really help each other that much.

Untill we get people at that level were they can heal, or change reality and offer advice on those higher levels. Then the best thing you can do is get your hands dirty and put in the work and effort to change things with your own mind and body.

I don't know how old you are kid, but you seem very smart and mature. I don't know your family situation or anything, but the best advice i can give you is that it might be best for you to take the mantle of responsibility of your family under your arms. And that means doing everything you can to bring about success in your life, and in so doing help bring about a better life situation for your family.

This may mean letting go of the people that hold you back, or sticking through and taking charge. I would also suggest you go to a counselor for advice.

ButterflyWoman
26th March 2014, 04:45 AM
Untill we get people at that level were they can heal, or change reality and offer advice on those higher levels. Then the best thing you can do is get your hands dirty and put in the work and effort to change things with your own mind and body.
Situations like these are common, and learning how to get out of them and change one's own reality is part of spiritual growth and development for those who are in them. There are many here who have made that journey, and healed from untold damage to the mind, soul, and body. But it's not a path that has simple instructions. I can (and have) talked about my journey and things I've experienced along the way, but it doesn't really do much for anyone else, because each point of consciousness is unique, and each reality is unique. The best that can be communicated is to learn that you CAN overcome, and you CAN change your reality. Once you know that, you can set the intention to find out how to do that, but it's a lot of trial and error, because of the uniqueness of every iteration of reality and consciousness.

The idea that "people at that level" can magically fix a dysfunctional living situation is a myth. I searched for decades to find someone or something that could fix my reality, and fix myself, and the only thing I ever found that could was... myself. And in my case, the only way to do that was through the destruction of that thing I thought of as "myself"...

John Sorensen
26th March 2014, 10:43 AM
Situations like these are common, and learning how to get out of them and change one's own reality is part of spiritual growth and development for those who are in them. There are many here who have made that journey, and healed from untold damage to the mind, soul, and body. But it's not a path that has simple instructions. I can (and have) talked about my journey and things I've experienced along the way, but it doesn't really do much for anyone else, because each point of consciousness is unique, and each reality is unique. The best that can be communicated is to learn that you CAN overcome, and you CAN change your reality. Once you know that, you can set the intention to find out how to do that, but it's a lot of trial and error, because of the uniqueness of every iteration of reality and consciousness.

The idea that "people at that level" can magically fix a dysfunctional living situation is a myth. I searched for decades to find someone or something that could fix my reality, and fix myself, and the only thing I ever found that could was... myself. And in my case, the only way to do that was through the destruction of that thing I thought of as "myself"...

If someone could instantly fix someone else's problems, what would be learned? How would the higher self benefit from "no experience".

*I am agreeing with you here.

Do we learn from suffering? Sometimes.

Do we need to suffer endlessly, when we are learning nothing? No, it is pointless, always there are options, no matter the situation and how hopeless it seems.

Apparently I "chose" (before this life) to live with a person, who was a partner to one of my parents, who was verbally/emotional/psychologically abusive to me for about, well over ten years at least, I am not so good with numbers. This and other factors, eventually made me want to kill myself to end the suffering. I am glad I did not, because it forced me to evolve quickly, rather than slowly. It is not something I want to repeat and I would rather learn a different way.

As Eckhart Tolle says, my old self was mostly pain identification, and that self (metaphorically) died, so that I could become the person I am today.

Dreamweaver
27th March 2014, 04:09 AM
Often, people do not recognize wisdom until they have had sufficient experience to have become wise themselves.

eyeoneblack
28th March 2014, 01:04 PM
I can relate. You do understand that your dad is whipping himself when denigrates you. He is miserable and the drug deal is more likely a symptom than a cause.

Practically speaking, I'm guessing you're old enough to get along by yourself. If I were you (and I once very closely was) I'd find a room mate(s) and move out. It will be a challenge, but I believe you're up to it. What could be worse?

I didn't move out until I graduated HS, but I shoved my parents out of my life two years earlier. I went to school and worked like yourself so I didn't rely on my parents for a thing.

I have a trio of young friends who did just such a thing. They are great kids and survive on their own means.

Think about it.

[edit] I'm not saying this is what you OUGHT TO DO! Only, it's worth thinking about :).

p.s. don't play the suffering Christ role, they're big people mom and dad, and their well-being is not your problem.

Genesis
29th March 2014, 04:36 AM
Thanks for the advice. I get along really well with my mother, and we're both considering buying our own place and moving out. I'm gonna save up as much as possible and she's waiting on a few things till we can move. I hope it all goes well!

eyeoneblack
29th March 2014, 01:28 PM
Good luck, Genesis :)

atsguy
26th August 2018, 12:40 PM
How have things been going?