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susan
6th June 2015, 09:14 AM
Yesterday I was working in one of the care homes I visit every 6 weeks and there is only one lady I feel very uncomfortable around. She is elderly, does not have Dimentia , and uses selective hearing. I have NEVER experienced a woman's look before in the way she looks. Her eyes talk.
The problem is she is the mother of the owner and is residing in the home. She has had a very privaliged life and has known to always think herself above everyone else. ( especially to those who provide a service to her)
Having being with her for 30 minutes and feeling much relief leaving her I passed one of the other ladies where we talked, laughed and gave each other a hug.
Later the woman who is not nice to people was sitting in her wheel chair with everyone else in the lounge. She shouts out for the young girl who seems to take care of her needs . When she came this is what she said.

"Please Jackie will you give me a cuddle, please. Will you see that I get a cuddle sometimes, please. Can I have one every day?"

I could have cried but felt that if I was to give her one she may shove me away.
Let this be a lesson to me that even those who seem to put a hard shell around themselves are only hurting themselves inside.
She would never need to ask for what she so desperately wanted if she would just accept everyone as equal.( or maybe just keep her eyes and mouth firmly closed)

Sinera
6th June 2015, 10:12 AM
The tragic irony is that in order to get a hug she has to do what she always did: give commands to people who are already used or obliged to serving her. Really tragic, and ironic too, in some way.

IA56
6th June 2015, 10:18 AM
Hi Susan,

I hope you do not feel I lecture you up, this is a very good example how fear operates in people and self defences too in the lady who has a bad mouth...I am so sad and crying here why you who are so spritual do not see through this smoke veil....I can tell one likely story from my fathers nursing home...There are 2 men very angry and with bad mouths....They are mean to them everyone and the nurses as the visitors, so I had to show another approach to everyone...Me and my son was visiting father, my sister did take my fahter there and she did call me and crying that this is a bad place and telling about these bad elderly men being so mean and horrible...I did pray very intensivly for these men to calm down so my father would feel welcome and everything did calm down and I had to tell my sister when she said that one of the men should be moved to another place...he have bean there for many years and do be very dementic...so I asked my sister would you feel good if you did not have more senses then the feeling left...that you do recognize the hands who cares for you...and make you calm down...to be moved to a new place and not knowing anyone??...She did get new angle to think about...
So my father did say to me when me and my son did come to visit him not to talk to any of these men...but I did give both a hug...and they looked with big eyes because they always have bean met with hars words...so they did be so calm all our visit there and not be violent at all....so I did see the nurses also with big eyes..and I told them how I see them...and that they are so afraid so they have to be mean to keep everyone at distance....and therefore being bad mouth so when they know they be bad they are titeled to get beaten up....if not physically so verbally....so do you see...why not give another aproach to let them know...I see you...and be kind to them...give hug...or just joke away theires bad mouths.....

I cry for our society...why are we so afraid ??...We all need more LOVE and laughter...Hugs and kisses to you.

Love
ia

dontco
6th June 2015, 01:25 PM
This is very sad :( I don't know if what I'm saying is true for everyone- but this is my opinion. I think a lot of the times the elderly feel very lonely. They feel the society doesn't need them anymore. They are taken away from their homes (sometimes) and put elsewhere, only to be sometimes visited by the people they love. Mostly they are taken care of by people they don't know and sometimes these people don't care about them. Their bodies are not the same as they were before. They don't get the love they deserve and don't feel appreciated. They don't have a role in society.

I guess it's possible the more a person gets older the more defined his charecter gets. If one learns throughout life that smiling and being nice will get them what they want- they will do it more when they're old. This is what they know. And maybe this goes the other way around, too. I mean, this is what they know... Sadly, the ones who should won't change their ways when they're 90. But maybe this is a defence mechanism? They feel better than others because they're afraid they are going to not like them or hurt them. And... The ones who push people away usually get what they "want"- they aren't loved and they don't get affection.

CFTraveler
6th June 2015, 03:27 PM
Some of us react to pain by closing in. This is because as children we were open and expressive and were rejected or hurt emotionally, and being 'too emotional', were traumatized by it. Or we may have been socialized to please others and just can't take the pain and have learned to not express it overtly, and end up isolating ourselves, because 'why wait to be hurt'.
This then makes us appear cold and aloof, and sometimes critical of others, not in speech (but sometimes in speech), but in attitude. Then on top of it when you get to a certain age you stop trying to belong (at all) and just don't care what others think of you. This might be her problem?
Not that I'm speaking about myself or anything.

susan
6th June 2015, 07:22 PM
Yes, I can understand and agree with what you are all saying about people in general.
I think with this lady she finds herself in a wheelchair sitting around people who she probably would never have spoken to previously. She is watching behaviour from others that might frighten her. She knows now this is to be her daily life and it's not what she wants or likes.
IA, what I was trying to do here was to show her the respect and manners that I would have shown her in her own home which she would most definately have expected. To have suddenly put my arms out and given her a cuddle would not have happened in a situation like that. With someone who turns on selective hearing to suite it was so hard to open a conversation between the commands and " I cannt hear you! I'm deaf you know!
Oh well, another day another opportunity.

Osiris
6th June 2015, 08:32 PM
greetings
On the flip side I was in a nursing home last year, with my father in law whom I promised to take care of, (he was there for rehab for a couple months) While there I helped out a few of the ahhh immates if you will... most were distant, some pleasant enough....But 1 man I offered to push (there all in wheel chairs) where ever he wanted to go...threatened to "Bust me up beside the head, and asked me if I was looking for trouble". My father in law has since lost control of his senses and cusses, throws things and bad mouths my sister and I Constantly despite his total dependence on us and our continued vigilance on his behalf. But if a stranger walks in the house to meet him he is a wonderful, pleasant little saint.
I know most of the elderly esp in Nursing homes can have mental/issues...Alzheimers, dementia ect but unfortunately some just go from feelings of helplessness and self pity to cruelty and abuse out of shear anger and frustratiion with there situation, and the world in general, so much so many of them end up on anti-psychoic drugs or mood stabilizers to settle them down.

IA56
7th June 2015, 06:41 AM
Yes, I can understand and agree with what you are all saying about people in general.
I think with this lady she finds herself in a wheelchair sitting around people who she probably would never have spoken to previously. She is watching behaviour from others that might frighten her. She knows now this is to be her daily life and it's not what she wants or likes.
IA, what I was trying to do here was to show her the respect and manners that I would have shown her in her own home which she would most definately have expected. To have suddenly put my arms out and given her a cuddle would not have happened in a situation like that. With someone who turns on selective hearing to suite it was so hard to open a conversation between the commands and " I cannt hear you! I'm deaf you know!
Oh well, another day another opportunity.
Hi Susan,
I understand, but what I was trying to say was to see the lack in persons make you understand theires behavior. But maybe it is that we have got our specific abillities and yours was not to see more than you saw...I have a bit difficulty to get out what I now see more off, but canīt express it properly. Sorry for my disabillity, as I have said many times, I know more inside of me than I can express in wordīs. Forgive me.

Love

ia

susan
7th June 2015, 08:19 AM
IA, I want you to Never feel you have to say sorry to me, or ask forgiveness.( well so far anyway).
Firstly English is not your first language. I can not fluently write in another language. ( although I think I understand your meaning here that what you are thinking and perceiving you have no way to explain even in your own language.)I have never read anything you have written to anybody that has not seemed so sincere and meant with all your heart.You have tried to help people who post on this site that most of us I think would not have the right words for them to hear.
Take a reality check and know that you are all good.
Bit more self love I think. Blessings to you.

IA56
7th June 2015, 08:52 AM
IA, I want you to Never feel you have to say sorry to me, or ask forgiveness.( well so far anyway).
Firstly English is not your first language. I can not fluently write in another language. ( although I think I understand your meaning here that what you are thinking and perceiving you have no way to explain even in your own language.)I have never read anything you have written to anybody that has not seemed so sincere and meant with all your heart.You have tried to help people who post on this site that most of us I think would not have the right words for them to hear.
Take a reality check and know that you are all good.
Bit more self love I think. Blessings to you.


Thank you dearest Susan, you are such a darling :-)

I did not aske forgiveness for me but for my lack of abillity to express myself clearly, I am learning but it goes very slowly and that I am sorry for.



Blessings and love to you too. I do love myself because I feel so blessed to have my awareness even I canīt express it out.

Love
ia

IA56
10th June 2015, 06:19 AM
IA, I want you to Never feel you have to say sorry to me, or ask forgiveness.( well so far anyway).
Firstly English is not your first language. I can not fluently write in another language. ( although I think I understand your meaning here that what you are thinking and perceiving you have no way to explain even in your own language.)I have never read anything you have written to anybody that has not seemed so sincere and meant with all your heart.You have tried to help people who post on this site that most of us I think would not have the right words for them to hear.
Take a reality check and know that you are all good.
Bit more self love I think. Blessings to you.

Hi Susan,
I feel I have to be more specific and make a second answer to your post.
You say ...Take a reality chech and know that you are all good...What reality check do you refer to??
My reality what I call real reality that I call "HOME" here I know I am accepted and loved.
The earth reality I am constantly deceived, countract, and lied upon....I have nearly died because of doctors who have decided not to help me....after 5 doctors whom I had to change out and find another...at last I found a good doctor...young women, very highly developed and sensitive hearing...she have brought my body back to life...so this reality ...earth reality are very hars to me, and I have hard to cope with....today I am going to 2 meetings about my future....wish me luck.

So dear Susan...what reality check do you refer to??

Love
ia