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dontco
16th June 2015, 04:14 PM
I noticed ALOT of people around here were saying they were bullied in school so I thought I'd post a thread about it so those who were will see that it happens to alot of people and you're not alone with this. I think it made me a better person on the long run- to be bullied. More empathic.
So if you were bullied- instead of looking it from the bad side- wgich is perfectly normal- think of what you GAINED from it (if you can) and write it down in here :-)

CFTraveler
16th June 2015, 04:28 PM
I was bullied in school the second I sprouted girl parts. A boy asked me out, I said no (I developed early in life) and he and his friends began a campaign of terror, constantly harrassing and saying sexual things (whispering, etc.) to me in class. They would sit around me and whisper stuff at me the second the teacher had their back turned. Finally I told my mom, who didn't know how to handle it (I was 11 and didn't want to go to school), she must have called the teacher (a nun, the worst one in the whole school, everyone was afraid of her) and she took the attitude that 'I must have asked for it.' When she took me into her office and started interrogating me and I broke down and spilled my guts, she realized that at 11 I knew nothing at all about sex, and she, in practical nun fashion gave me a booklet that explained everything in biological detail, to my surprise, since I had no idea what those disgusting boys were talking about. After that, the bullying stopped (behind the scenes, I was never told what she said or who she said it to, she didn't show me any mercy either, (I got a D in her class although I had good grades before that) and it all died down.
I never forgot them and didn't forgive them either, even though as an adult I've worked to try to.
This made me never to be afraid of sex and to never again let myself be a victim. I went from being a meek little thing to taking Karate and being scary after that.

ButterflyWoman
16th June 2015, 05:29 PM
The only thing I gained from being bullied was a deep understanding of how to deal with bullies. BUT... most of that knowledge actually came from dealing with the biggest bully in my life, my father. Still, the little bastards in school contributed to this knowledge, as well. I am now extremely good at spotting bullies and dealing with them effectively. (Don't ever think that bullying miraculously stops when school is over. Bullying happens all the time, in all kinds of situations, including work, social settings, politics, online gaming, etc.).

Sinera
16th June 2015, 06:35 PM
Yes.

IA56
17th June 2015, 10:17 AM
Yes I was and still are!!

Love
ia

dontco
17th June 2015, 04:46 PM
This made me never to be afraid of sex and to never again let myself be a victim. I went from being a meek little thing to taking Karate and being scary after that.
@CFT, your story really touched me :( but I think it's nice that you've grown from the situation, it made you a stronger person. I understand, it's hard to forgive...



The only thing I gained from being bullied was a deep understanding of how to deal with bullies. BUT... most of that knowledge actually came from dealing with the biggest bully in my life, my father. Still, the little bastards in school contributed to this knowledge, as well. I am now extremely good at spotting bullies and dealing with them effectively. (Don't ever think that bullying miraculously stops when school is over. Bullying happens all the time, in all kinds of situations, including work, social settings, politics, online gaming, etc.).


@BW, I understand... that's really upsetting :( I'm sorry. I also know what you're saying about bullying happening all the time- but... I don't know if I'm making any sense but it seems that for a couple of years- as I've replaced work places- I've had 3 different bullies (one in each work place) and it's seems like they were acting exactly the same way. Same bully, different face. So I thought- maybe the problem was with me? I mean if I'm creating my own reality. What do you think about that theory? Also- is there a way to feel less empatic? I tought I would ask you (or anyone else reading!) since I'm sure you know this well (I get sucked into every sad situation/story and end up feeling horrible). And maybe you can try to give IA some tips for dealing? it may help her so I would be very grateful :heart:

@Leon.C- I think it happens just as much...



@Sinera- seems to be a patten around more empathic and kind people. Others want to make themselves look strong so hurting others is an easy way to appear so.

@IA: I'm really sorry dear, you don't deserve it :( maybe if you could stay away from those people they would stop? I wish it would stop.

BTW all, sorry for reminding you of bad memories!
I try to forgive people who hurt me in the past a lot. lately. I usually repeat "I forgive you and release you" over and over until it feels right. It's very liberating. Also "I forgive myself" is an important part for me. For letting myself being a victim.

http://www.louisehay.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/louise-hay-quotes-forgiveness-everyone-past-release.jpg

ButterflyWoman
17th June 2015, 05:48 PM
I don't know if I'm making any sense but it seems that for a couple of years- as I've replaced work places- I've had 3 different bullies (one in each work place) and it's seems like they were acting exactly the same way. Same bully, different face. So I thought- maybe the problem was with me? I mean if I'm creating my own reality. What do you think about that theory?
Oh, yes. I know exactly what you mean. I kept drawing people who were just like my father.

But, yes, my experience is that you keep unconsciously creating the same experiences over and over for various reasons. It can be a lot of things, I think. Desire to "do it right" or "fix it", desire to have the figure to take out your anger on (a kind of surrogate for the original), even just because it's familiar, and the "stamp" in your subconscious is the same as its always been so that's what it stamps out. It's not your fault, per se, but, yes, I absolutely believe that our subconsciously held fears, beliefs, etc. create these situations.

As a point of reference, I rarely encounter bullies any more, but I do on occasion. Now, however, it's always remote, and never direct. By that I mean, I haven't seen my father in over 20 years, and we're entirely without contact. And now the bullies I encounter (which is not common or often) are in situations like online games where they can't actually do anything to me other than piss me off. Kind of funny. ;) That's how the beliefs/worldview/whatever in my subconscious has changed apparently. To know that bullies are out there, and, oh, look, there's one now, but, meh, he's just annoying and he can't really hurt me. ;)


is there a way to feel less empatic>
Not really. HOWEVER... you can learn to manage it with a combination of vigilant shielding, boundary setting, regular tie-cutting, and energetic cleansing (which I just do by taking a shower and picturing the shower washing away all the energetic/emotional junk that accumulates on me from other people). But, honestly, I mostly just do shielding now, and rarely need to do anything else. It's taken about eight years or so to become this proficient with it, but I'm quite good at it now.


I try to forgive people who hurt me in the past a lot. lately. I usually repeat "I forgive you and release you" over and over until it feels right.
It is liberating. But I still have a hard time doing it. So I had to start saying, "I forgive you for being screwed up." Because, honestly, anyone who hurts you is screwed up in someway (frankly, all of us are screwed up in SOME way). I can forgive someone for being thoroughly messed up, because I was certainly very messed up and I created a lot of drama and hurt when I was (and I didn't even realise just how much I was creating!). Forgiving myself has been the hardest thing of all, to be honest. But I can forgive myself for being screwed up, too. I mean, I know, after years of therapy and soul searching and so forth, exactly why I was so messed up, and I know that others have similar enough stories. I can forgive them for being messed up, and even for acting from that messed up state of mind, and I can forgive myself for the same thing. But it's still hard to forgive myself sometimes. I kind of fear that if I cut myself any slack, I'm going to end up being what I was, what I don't want to be. It's an irrational fear, of course.

newfreedom
18th June 2015, 01:42 PM
I noticed ALOT of people around here were saying they were bullied in school so I thought I'd post a thread about it so those who were will see that it happens to alot of people and you're not alone with this. I think it made me a better person on the long run- to be bullied. More empathic.
So if you were bullied- instead of looking it from the bad side- wgich is perfectly normal- think of what you GAINED from it (if you can) and write it down in here :-)


Yes, was bullied, various age stages, in various types of ways...

Experience of living & coping

under stress
with emotional resistance
with struggle
with difficult life circumstances


So when i hit 'mad times'in 2006, i already had a foundation of experience within me, thus the previous info. now stored within me would allow these experiences to be easier 2nd time around, maybe

Saturn
19th June 2015, 04:18 AM
For me all the action was in elementary. If someone ever messed with me I was pretty happy to beat them up. I'd find them on the playground during recess and make them eat sand. I mean that literally, I'd push them down to the ground and put sand in their mouth. It didn't matter if they were bigger than me they were still going down. I was usually stronger anyways because my mom wouldn't let me leave the table until I finished my vegetables...
Things calmed down in middle school and high school.

DerFürst
19th June 2015, 06:48 PM
Hardship is a rough teacher but the equation balances out. Gentle may be easy, but it's slow and entitling. Pain is difficult, but threshold raising, humbling, and fast. A balance between the two polarities of teaching, through shifting from one to the other in cycles, is optimal, at least for now. I'm somewhat glad I was able to learn this lesson early in life, because it's given me the character necessary to go further far faster than I ever could have otherwise.

Dreamweaver
20th June 2015, 02:31 AM
I think it was Carlos Castanada who wrote about overcoming a petty tyrant as a initiatory prerequisite to becoming a Nagual. And - hasn't Bruce written about the process of overcoming negs as being like weight training? Bullies I think are participating in this sort of karma with their victims.

I have been bullied too - all throughout my life. I get to be in the line of fire a lot through my work as a matter of fact. I'm grateful to have developed some skills and fortitude because of this dynamic.

Dreamweaver
20th June 2015, 03:24 AM
Think though - what about people who have been abused, assaulted, raped, are living in war zones, and have been tortured.... and who still find a way to love. Being bullied is nothing.

ButterflyWoman
20th June 2015, 06:28 AM
Being bullied is nothing.
I have been abused, raped, and assaulted. I wouldn't say being bullied is "nothing" (and sometimes bullies end up abusing, raping, and assaulting you). Vulnerable people, seeing no way out, have committed suicide or murder on account of being bullied. In my case, the bullying was what convinced me that people in general are never to be trusted, and it's an issue I still struggle with to this day. Please don't belittle people's suffering or decide what kinds of suffering are more or less "worthy" or valid. I say that as myself, not as a moderator.

dontco
20th June 2015, 01:04 PM
@BW: Thank you for explaining, love! :heart:

Desire to "do it right" or "fix it", desire to have the figure to take out your anger on (a kind of surrogate for the original)
At first I thought that sounds a little like one of Freud's defence mechanisms: displacement. But then I realized- by definition- displacement is what a lot of the bullies do. But I think what you're saying is true. I think that if for example I would feel like a victim then I would attract these people to myself. There are also other explanations... I think it's possible that for example I chose this experiences before coming to earth, so I would be able to learn from them.
(Displacement is the redirection of an impulse (usually aggression) onto a powerless substitute target. The target can be a person or an object that can serve as a symbolic substitute. Someone who is frustrated by his or her superiors may go home and kick the dog, beat up a family member, or engage in cross-burnings.)


Not really. HOWEVER... you can learn to manage it with a combination of vigilant shielding, boundary setting, regular tie-cutting, and energetic cleansing (which I just do by taking a shower and picturing the shower washing away all the energetic/emotional junk that accumulates on me from other people). But, honestly, I mostly just do shielding now, and rarely need to do anything else. It's taken about eight years or so to become this proficient with it, but I'm quite good at it now.

Thank you! you're the best.


But it's still hard to forgive myself sometimes. I kind of fear that if I cut myself any slack, I'm going to end up being what I was, what I don't want to be. It's an irrational fear, of course.
I hope you don't mind me saying this because I know I'm not standing in your shoes but I think you should try. But I think we all deserve forgiveness. And you do, too. Did you see Louise Hay's movie? it's on YouTube. I wouldn't like to post a link since it's not very legal but the title is Você pode curar sua vida, por Louise Hay (it's in English).


I have been abused, raped, and assaulted. I wouldn't say being bullied is "nothing" (and sometimes bullies end up abusing, raping, and assaulting you). Vulnerable people, seeing no way out, have committed suicide or murder on account of being bullied. In my case, the bullying was what convinced me that people in general are never to be trusted, and it's an issue I still struggle with to this day.
If you want to talk about anything, I'm here. And I really do care. Really. And I want you to feel good. Sometimes it's easier to talk to someone you can't see, it's somewhat like writing a journal :-) (of course writing a journal is also possible, it can help)

ButterflyWoman
20th June 2015, 01:16 PM
If you want to talk about anything, I'm here. And I really do care. Really.
Thank you. <3 I'm actually okay with all that now, though there are still lingering traces of anger now and then. I've actually done many years of counselling and had a complete breakdown and I worked through most of it. Now and then something will pop up that surprises me, but I work through it fairly quickly when it does. Many years of practice. ;)

dontco
20th June 2015, 01:27 PM
@Newfreedom: I'm sorry :(
@Saturn: I never heard of anyone who did that. Maybe it's a lot of people's fantasy.

@DF:

Hardship is a rough teacher but the equation balances out. Gentle may be easy, but it's slow and entitling. Pain is difficult, but threshold raising, humbling, and fast. A balance between the two polarities of teaching, through shifting from one to the other in cycles, is optimal, at least for now. I'm somewhat glad I was able to learn this lesson early in life, because it's given me the character necessary to go further far faster than I ever could have otherwise.
You're right, it has really been humbling. A hard lesson, buy perhaps an important one.

@Dreamweaver

Think though - what about people who have been abused, assaulted, raped, are living in war zones, and have been tortured.... and who still find a way to love. Being bullied is nothing.
I don't agree with this. I think a lot of times you can categorize bullying as abuse. Physical and mental. I won't get in to what I went through too much but I will sum it up with a quote from "Perks of being a wallflower".
In the entire book (and movie) he kept on repeating "somebody else has it much worse" and then in the end, he said:
“I think that if I ever have kids, and they are upset, I won't tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it wouldn't change the fact that they were upset. And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have.”

ButterflyWoman
20th June 2015, 02:52 PM
I think a lot of times you can categorize bullying as abuse. Physical and mental.
In some cases, sexual. Not all sexual abuse is about being raped. One particular kind of bullying that springs to my mind was a group of thug boys who liked to go around snapping the bra straps of girls who had breasts (and therefore the need to wear a bra). Harmless prank? Well, what if your boss, or a police officer, or a stranger on the street were to walk up to you, grab your underwear (bras are underwear!) and start yanking on it, particularly if it also included hurting you in the process? Definitely sexual assault.


“I think that if I ever have kids, and they are upset, I won't tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it wouldn't change the fact that they were upset. And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have.”
That is correct. Just because someone the street over from me may have a broken pelvis, that doesn't make the arthritis in my knees hurt less, nor does it make walking any easier for me. "Oh, but that guy can't walk at all!" Understood, and I have deep compassion for that, especially if walking is something he really wants to do, but in what way does this make me better able to walk? And how does it lessen my pain, exactly?

This has been a peeve of mine for a long time. I used to spend a lot of time in the abuse recovery community, and I saw a lot of this. Not only people trying to outdo one another with their stories about how much worse they had it, but also people sitting in judgment of those who, in their opinion, didn't suffer enough.

dontco
20th June 2015, 09:54 PM
One particular kind of bullying that springs to my mind was a group of thug boys who liked to go around snapping the bra straps of girls who had breasts (and therefore the need to wear a bra). Harmless prank? Well, what if your boss, or a police officer, or a stranger on the street were to walk up to you, grab your underwear (bras are underwear!) and start yanking on it, particularly if it also included hurting you in the process? Definitely sexual assault.
@BW: Did you read this story (http://stuffhappens.us/a-boy-at-school-snapped-her-15430/)? it had gone viral a while ago. Just what you said in other words... (even though some say it's a fake story, but I don't know) Either how- I think it should really be treated like a sexual assault and should not be taken lightly.

wstein
21st June 2015, 12:24 AM
Think though - what about people who have been abused, assaulted, raped, are living in war zones, and have been tortured.... and who still find a way to love. Being bullied is nothing. That's like saying being run down by a car is nothing, it could have been a truck, train, or tank. Just because there is worse out there, don't discount what has happened to people.

wstein
21st June 2015, 12:28 AM
Hardship is a rough teacher but the equation balances out. Gentle may be easy, but it's slow and entitling. Pain is difficult, but threshold raising, humbling, and fast. A balance between the two polarities of teaching, through shifting from one to the other in cycles, is optimal, at least for now. I'm somewhat glad I was able to learn this lesson early in life, because it's given me the character necessary to go further far faster than I ever could have otherwise. I assume you are very happy there are murders, rapists, and stalkers. If only you could have benefited for all of them. Sorry you are so disadvantaged.

There is no 'balance' to this type of stuff. you take your damage and hopefully find a way to avoid it the next time.

Dreamweaver
21st June 2015, 05:52 AM
Sorry guys - I did not communicate well. I did not mean to diminish anyone's experiences. I also have been bullied - from being abused and neglected as a child, to being picked on and called nasty names in junior high, to having narcisstic/sociopathic/controlling behavior and abuse directed at me in my first marriage and multiple times in my work places by clients, collegues and supervisors. I have experienced parental estrangement due to my children being used as tools in my divorce, I have been held against my will, sexually assaulted, been threatened with other types of harm, had my vehicle vandalized, been bullied with frivolous legal threats and actions, and on and on.

I also have a caseload of clients who are multiply chemically dependent, often criminally centered, with extensive incarceration and legal histories who also not pnly have been perpetrated against in their own lives, but who have perpetrated. I work with people who have been emotionally, physically, and sexually abused, who have PTSD, who have complicated grief and loss, who have destroyed their lives and the lives of their families and children.

I come from a military family - my father/husbands/son/brother are all military and all have PTSD.

Let me tell you - I know what pain is. I work hard to transmute and requalify it 40 hours a week. I also by the way have been psychically attacked more than once.

Just know - to me, at the least severe a bully is an immature egoistic pissant. A coward - a nothing. At worst - yes, bully is a word that also describes sociopathic tools of evil.

Getting bigger than evil is a hard job. I think healers respond to wounding in such a way as to transmute and requalify. I have the deepest most profound respect for people who are in the process of overcoming.

Dreamweaver
21st June 2015, 06:38 AM
Wstein - the balance - the value is in the overcoming. The soul stretching. Getting bigger than. Turning the compost until the garbage and scraps yield rich fertilizer. In the wisdom that realizes that evil is an energy that you can choose to not participate in, in spite of the fact that it has touched and shaped you.

DerFürst
21st June 2015, 06:45 AM
I assume you are very happy there are murders, rapists, and stalkers. If only you could have benefited for all of them. Sorry you are so disadvantaged.

Murder, rape and stalking are beyond the scope of bullying, beyond the scope of this thread, and outside the intended context of my post. You passively hinted at wanting all three things to have happened to me. Even if I hated someone I wouldn't want those things to happen to them. It's very important to be aware of the meaning of your words and the direction of your intent. If you intend to be hurtful, at the very least be direct and obvious.


There is no 'balance' to this type of stuff. you take your damage and hopefully find a way to avoid it the next time.

This simply isn't true. There's far more to suffering than merely striving to avoid further pain.

One can allow bullying to damage oneself and perpetuate the sense of victimhood, or one can transmute the fear into courage and use the pain as motivation to get out of it. I'm speaking from experience. Early in life my ex-army blackbelt father would beat me, and try to indoctrinate me with neo-nazi white supremacist views. For a long time I was a broken and sad child, afraid to speak, or even think my own thoughts. I was being molded into a sociopathic individual like him - cruel, stripped of empathy, and only deriving pleasure from hurting others, physically and emotionally. I'd take out my bottled frustration on other kids my age, perpetuating my disconnection from any feeling of love or self acceptance. I was bullied by several kids for always feeling sad and down on myself. They took advantage of my pain to feel better about themselves. Some of them pushed me to the breaking point, and one of them I even sent to the hospital for stitches (though thankfully no one believed I was capable of it when he tried to say it was me, otherwise I'd probably have been expelled.) I had one teacher who hated me so passionately that I'd get in trouble for things I hadn't done, and would be forced to accept them as my own lest I be punished even more severely. I was miserable for most of my childhood and had no lasting friends. The only things I truly loved were animals and my mother. She had been beaten and strangled on multiple occasions as well. She went through the same pain I did. I didn't want to suffer any more, and I didn't want to see her suffer either. After enough talk in secret with her, I had convinced her to divorce him and escape. The day came and, while my father was still at work, I helped my mother load a moving truck, and then we left. I did not receive any true therapy afterwards either. I only met psychologists working for the court system who wanted to evaluate me for the divorce case.

I love my father and I forgive him. This is coming from years of hating him enough to murder him in his sleep. I'm not bothered that I missed out on childhood or a proper father figure. Instead of continuing my father's cycle by becoming wicked, vengeful, bitter, and hateful, I used the experience to open my heart and to understand human suffering. Suffering is not necessary and that has been the message all along, but paradoxically, in order to understand this, one must have suffered. I hope you learned something from this.

IA56
21st June 2015, 10:21 AM
I start to write what I have seen why I was bullied and what I notice it was for to teach me.....We moved to Sweden from Finland when I tuned 9 and startedhttp://cdncache-a.akamaihd.net/items/it/img/arrow-10x10.png (http://www.astraldynamics.com.au/#14146280) 3th class...I was bullied for coming from Finland...so I felt Swedish children bad taught and fostered ....I did become so hurt so I went silent, I did not talk in 3 yrs only to answser when teacher did ask me something....what I learned by being silent...was to listen and observe....that has bean the foundation to develop my skills...

Love
ia

newfreedom
22nd June 2015, 09:31 AM
Murder, rape and stalking are beyond the scope of bullying, beyond the scope of this thread, and outside the intended context of my post.

After reading


beyond the scope of this thread

i had to check to see who had started the thread, as i had thought Dontco had started up this thread, not Derfurst

So....does /shouldn't Dontco have the 'last say' / be the 'authoritor' /the overall 'high commander' on the what the 'scope of this thread' is or isn't / should or should be ?

Just say'in.... Don't wanna get into 'bossy-ness / bullying attributes in a 'were you bullied?' thread, me thinks... or it could get Toooooo complicated, yer think ? :shrug:

newfreedom
22nd June 2015, 09:41 AM
@Newfreedom: I'm sorry :(

Thankyou Dontco :heart:

I 'held my own', 'gave as good as i got' but never quite felt that i ever managed to 'get my own back'.

Only ever had one 'breakdown' over all the bullying & that was when my 'girlfriend group' turned on me too, for 2 weeks as well & my big sister also found out what they were all calling me & asked me about it.

I was 11/12 yrs at the time & was in suicidal feelings/thoughts

dontco
23rd June 2015, 08:00 PM
Only ever had one 'breakdown' over all the bullying & that was when my 'girlfriend group' turned on me too, for 2 weeks as well & my big sister also found out what they were all calling me & asked me about it.

I was 11/12 yrs at the time & was in suicidal feelings/thoughts
Oh I'm so sorry... I send you love and hugs!


So....does /shouldn't Dontco have the 'last say' / be the 'authoritor' /the overall 'high commander' on the what the 'scope of this thread' is or isn't / should or should be ?

I don't really mind, actually. I know this is a touchy subject for many people...