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buzzcock
6th February 2016, 10:13 AM
I work with someone I am finding it hard to deal with. He's just creepy and awkward all the time. He is the longest working person in our little area and considers it his job to make sure everyone works properly. He's just creepy. I don't mind when it's him and me and a group, but shifts where it's just him and me alone I am finding hard to handle.

He is gay and I don't know if he has a crush on me, or hates me, or some weird combination of the two, or if he is going on at me because he's socially awkward and can't think of anything else to say. He always stares at me, and asks me to do a task then stares at me for the first few minutes while I do it, if I ask "is something wrong" he shrugs and says "that's ok" crossly or he makes some complaint "no I wanted you to do it like this" and then he hangs around and stares more.

And he has these really awkward conversations with me where he asks me to do something, or makes some mild complaint about how I should do something differently, and then when I say "sure I'll do that", he just stands there for minutes staring at me, without speaking, as if he's working up the courage to say something else...whether to ask me for a date or attack me, I can't tell. And he always leans over me creepily and too close when he does this. Or I'll be working and just look up and see him staring. And he says something like "I want to see you doing that right".

I'm not the only person who doesn't like him at work but everyone else's complaints are just that he's too strict and fascist (for example he doesn't let us come in the area to chat or collect stuff when not on duty though everyone else does) or that he skips his share of work while walking round trying to check on everyone else.

But honestly with the stress of other stuff there I have come close to violence at him sometimes ( not that i would, but i feel close to it). And to complain to someone higher up, I'm not even sure what I'd say. I've described it here as best I could and I'm not sure they'd take his side. It's just vague creepiness, standing there staring and fidgeting without saying anything, standing to close all the time.

IA56
6th February 2016, 10:27 AM
I work with someone I am finding it hard to deal with. He's just creepy and awkward all the time. He is the longest working person in our little area and considers it his job to make sure everyone works properly. He's just creepy. I don't mind when it's him and me and a group, but shifts where it's just him and me alone I am finding hard to handle.

He is gay and I don't know if he has a crush on me, or hates me, or some weird combination of the two, or if he is going on at me because he's socially awkward and can't think of anything else to say. He always stares at me, and asks me to do a task then stares at me for the first few minutes while I do it, if I ask "is something wrong" he shrugs and says "that's ok" crossly or he makes some complaint "no I wanted you to do it like this" and then he hangs around and stares more.

And he has these really awkward conversations with me where he asks me to do something, or makes some mild complaint about how I should do something differently, and then when I say "sure I'll do that", he just stands there for minutes staring at me, without speaking, as if he's working up the courage to say something else...whether to ask me for a date or attack me, I can't tell. And he always leans over me creepily and too close when he does this. Or I'll be working and just look up and see him staring. And he says something like "I want to see you doing that right".

I'm not the only person who doesn't like him at work but everyone else's complaints are just that he's too strict and fascist (for example he doesn't let us come in the area to chat or collect stuff when not on duty though everyone else does) or that he skips his share of work while walking round trying to check on everyone else.

But honestly with the stress of other stuff there I have come close to violence at him sometimes ( not that i would, but i feel close to it). And to complain to someone higher up, I'm not even sure what I'd say. I've described it here as best I could and I'm not sure they'd take his side.

Hi buzzcock,
I feel your agony and somekind of fear and this is on so many layers that it is hard for me in few words to say something what could eaze your fear, because it is a going on both directions and that means you too mirror each others fears and things you both desire and repel.

You have your right to make a stand of your space, so tell him nicely that you feel in uneaze when he is too close to you, and also that his stare make you uncomfortable, if he canīt take a nice comment to respect you, then he has reveled himself to be a bully, then you know. It is always tricky when it comes to one bosses what you are dependent on because of the work, it is a very tricky position to be in...and I can only give you currage to make you feel powerful and to be respected for whom you are, totally.

I send your way LOVE and CURRAGE.

Love
ia

DarkChylde
6th February 2016, 12:50 PM
He is gay and I don't know if he has a crush on me, or hates me, or some weird combination of the two, or if he is going on at me because he's socially awkward and can't think of anything else to say.
That's a HUGE assumption , just because he's gay does not mean he automatically harbors sexual attraction towards you solely because of you being a man.Put another way , just because you're straight does not mean you leer around all your female colleagues making them feel uncomfortable.


He always stares at me, and asks me to do a task then stares at me for the first few minutes while I do it, if I ask "is something wrong" he shrugs and says "that's ok" crossly or he makes some complaint "no I wanted you to do it like this" and then he hangs around and stares more.
This is a classic , text book case of someone "cramping your style" (I don't know what term British people use for this To Cramp someone's Style (http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/cramp-someone-s-style): Restrict or prevent someone from free , comfortable action or expression, be either a hindrance or annoyance as in
"[I]It really cramps my style when Mom hovers around me while I'm making dinner."
"The examiner's silence while I took my driving test really cramped my style , I suspect I would've drive better , had he made small talk"[/B]



And he has these really awkward conversations with me where he asks me to do something, or makes some mild complaint about how I should do something differently, and then when I say "sure I'll do that", he just stands there for minutes staring at me, without speaking, as if he's working up the courage to say something else...whether to ask me for a date or attack me, I can't tell. And he always leans over me creepily and too close when he does this. Or I'll be working and just look up and see him staring. And he says something like "I want to see you doing that right".
He's in your space and that's making you uncomfortable (that happens a lot to me too , If someone invades my body space I too immediately get uncomfortable).
The best thing to do would be to tell me politely that he's cramping your style , and see how he firsts responds to that.


I'm not the only person who doesn't like him at work but everyone else's complaints are just that he's too strict and fascist (for example he doesn't let us come in the area to chat or collect stuff when not on duty though everyone else does) or that he skips his share of work while walking round trying to check on everyone else.
But honestly with the stress of other stuff there I have come close to violence at him sometimes ( not that i would, but i feel close to it). And to complain to someone higher up, I'm not even sure what I'd say. I've described it here as best I could and I'm not sure they'd take his side. It's just vague creepiness, standing there staring and fidgeting without saying anything, standing to close all the time.
If thoughts of violence or aggression are coming up then I'd very strongly reiterate what I said before ; tell him directly you do not appreciate him lingering and being stared at and it makes you uncomfortable.You'd appreciate your body space and being left alone to do your work , if there's a problem in your work , being told once would suffice , whereas gawking and lingering do not.

buzzcock
6th February 2016, 03:19 PM
Yeah no disrespect to the gay community intended, but when we first worked together and were more friendly ,he was more flirty, which I did not mind. I think its true I represent fears for him too ie his inability to be respected or seen as authority which he is definitly trying to hard at,trying to force dominance instead of letting it come naturally, he is a bad manager. He can be a sweet guy and things were better between us before, I dunno if some particular act of disrespect turned him, it could be any thing.

DarkChylde
6th February 2016, 05:11 PM
Yeah it's all on him , some people have faulty wiring upstairs that way.You'd best do a confrontation lest thoughts of violent aggression , pop up again around him.

Also there was absolutely no disrespect in your post , you were only stating a plausible cause of someone's attitude problem.Being gay does not automatically exempt him from scrutiny.

If you know someone is straight and your'e gay that right off the bat marks them as unavailable , taking them immediately off the menu.I can flirt and I do flirt with girls relentlessly but with guys , specially whom you work with is a no-no :nono:
Unless of course , the straight man in question looks a lot like a young Harry Hamlin picture below (in that case flirting is not only necessary but mandatory)
http://www.astraldynamics.com.au/attachment.php?attachmentid=911&stc=1


Trust me this issue of "he's gay therefore he's hitting on me" is something gay men go through all their life in the work space (which is why I brought it up) , so to avoid possible misapprehension that way , I steer well away and clear from men.

CFTraveler
6th February 2016, 05:58 PM
That last one cracked me up.

buzzcock
11th February 2016, 08:44 PM
Well, last week he came up to me and started hanging around, and then he said "hows it going", and then "how's your week been", and I said it was ok, and then he hung around for a bit and then said he had come over because I had forgotton to wear my name badge and he wanted me to wear it more often. He had done all the small talk before as an excuse for coming over, to put me at ease or something...it's fake that's why it's bothersome.

Then yesterday. The place we work has an ice rink which we get free use of. I was skating and he came in, and was upset to see me already there. (I can skate a lot better than him). Also, he has a big deal about helping people who need first aid, people who fall over or want a band aid. He has a big deal about needing the glory or importance. If someone else helps a person who needs first aid he gets angry and takes over. For example, we are supposed to share a radio for emergencies but he walks around with it clipped to him. Anyway someone fell over and he couldn't skate well enough to get to them so me and some others got there first. He had a big sulk and yelled "this is a bad day" and left the rink.

Timothy
13th February 2016, 01:10 PM
;) Harry Hamlin ... roflmao. I will add John Stamos.

DarkChylde
13th February 2016, 02:15 PM
Stamos is the standard of good looks :thumbsup:

Timothy
13th February 2016, 09:44 PM
Didn't mean to imply that Harry Hamlin ain't mandatory flirting. ;)