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VioletImagery
22nd March 2009, 02:46 AM
If I have to summon all of my mental, physical and financial resources just to attempt to get by and even that does not seem like enough, then probably I am not supposed to be doing what I'm doing, right? I can pinpoint when and how the obstacles started to mount, but I am not sure what direction I ought to have taken or what I should do now. I feel stuck. I am due to completely run out of money in a couple months time while in a foreign country, no permission to work, no interest in continuing my studies, no friends to lean on, no place to go back to at home and no job prospects there either.

I thought this program was exactly what I asked for. What I wanted was an independent living situation, the relative freedom and leisure time of a student, and the good food and good company promised by this large, diverse city. What I got was the inability to make ends meet even with a decent fellowship, a workload and stress greater than I have ever experienced, a supervisor who micromanages to the nth degree leaving me without any opportunity to make my own decisions, and no time or money to go anyplace or get to know people. I have sought advice from my family and usually they are able to help me work through the tangles of my life, but this time even they got nothin'. I believe firmly that we are responsible for creating everything about our own lives and I do have some faint (very faint) glimmers of what I would rather do instead, but the difference between there and here is so great, and my worries and fears so overwhelming, I just don't know how to muster the faith to follow the glimmer and leap the divide. Especially since, the last time I took a leap of faith, I landed in this situation. While it is not a total loss, it is a far cry from what I thought I wanted.

I don't really know if I'm looking for encouragement, someone to tell me what to do or just commiseration, but I'll take anything under consideration at this point.

PS: In a fit of either total madness or perfect clarity, I am not sure which, I just (re)proposed to my ex-fiance.

Timotheus
22nd March 2009, 10:30 AM
:D

VioletImagery
22nd March 2009, 12:23 PM
Thank you, Tim. It was all beautiful.

CFTraveler
22nd March 2009, 03:18 PM
Hi Violetimagery.
Sometimes taking a leap of faith is necessary for the simple act of having done it- it doesn't mean the outcome is the one you're 'supposed to' have, sometimes it does. The thing is, you took it, and for whatever reason you are getting signals from the universe that this isn't where you're supposed to stay- so it's ok to do something different. It doesn't mean you were 'wrong' in going, it means you weren't supposed to 'stay'.

I had a similar situation as yours (if you ever saw my bio you'll see I studied many seemingly unrelated things in different places) and I ended up leaving, doing something different, and even though I can't say that life has been as 'easy as pie', I wouldn't have it any other way.

If you want more personal info, pm me.

VioletImagery
23rd March 2009, 04:58 AM
Thank you, CFTraveler.

I feel like I am starting to understand a little bit better the spiritual/emotional reasons why I came and why I now feel the need to move on, but it doesn't really make the moving any less scary. Especially when I fall into the habit of looking at my decisions from a 'normal' standpoint, I appear to be completely crazy.

ButterflyWoman
23rd March 2009, 09:26 AM
Especially when I fall into the habit of looking at my decisions from a 'normal' standpoint, I appear to be completely crazy.
Well, don't we all?

*hug* Take a deep breath or three and maybe ask for a clear and unambiguous sign and see what happens.

VioletImagery
14th April 2009, 01:42 PM
Well, I seem to be coming to a new understanding about why I am not happy with where I am and what I'd rather do instead. I no longer worry that coming here was a 'mistake' either, I see the perfectly sensible reasons for it that were not consciously apparent at the time I made the decision. It not working out like I had hoped just means that something in my 'hypothesis' was not reflecting the reality of my true self, not that there is anything wrong with me. This could all have something to do with why my dreams for the last two nights felt like I might as well just hang a sign on my head that says "Please wait...processing." I don't remember exactly what they were, but I know I was talking to lots of people, sorting things out and seemed particularly confident and capable.

Ouroboros
15th April 2009, 06:01 AM
Confidence is a good sign. :)

I hope everything goes well with you, and your situation resolves itself in the best way possible.

VioletImagery
15th April 2009, 01:50 PM
Thanks for the good wishes!

Palehorse Redivivus
15th April 2009, 02:01 PM
Ditto what he said! But I'll see that and raise you one: your situation will resolve itself in the way that is most fun, enjoyable and beneficial to your growth and realization. :)

VioletImagery
15th April 2009, 02:06 PM
:lol: Thanks, guys. I still don't know where I'll end up, but I am feeling more excited instead of afraid. I appreciate everyone's support!

ButterflyWoman
15th April 2009, 02:21 PM
You don't have to know where you'll end up. That's almost certainly a big part of this, I suspect. ;)