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dreamosis
23rd June 2009, 03:14 PM
I've recently become obsessed with a woman. I'm in love, too, but I say obsessed because in the last day or so I've recognized how attached I am to her opinion of me and even her presence. Never have I felt so much anxiety in a relationship. ...Never have I felt so deeply for somebody.

How do you center yourself in the midst of overwhelming lust and love? How do you return to a place of self-validation? Unravel the need for approval? Sort out what you want from the goals of the relationship or the other person when you're so loveblind?

CFTraveler
23rd June 2009, 06:39 PM
I can get all technical and tell you that when you realize you're worthy of her love and attention without having to do anything to 'make her' happy- that just being yourself is a gift that she has the privilege to enjoy, and that mutual love (and even need) isn't wrong, as long as you realize this- but I'm not sure that it's going to do any good.
I guess my questions would be-


How do you center yourself in the midst of overwhelming lust and love? You are already at the center of the overwhelming lust and love for her. When you see her at the center of it you're projecting her into it. Do you see this differently?

How do you return to a place of self-validation? This assumes you need a return to a place of validation. Do you not value yourself? Does she not value you?


Unravel the need for approval? Everyone has the need for approval. It is only when this need becomes more than the love itself then it's when the trouble starts. Do you feel she doesn't approve of you or something you do?

Sort out what you want from the goals of the relationship or the other person when you're so loveblind? "Loveblindness" only happens in the beginning of a relationship. To try to sort out your desired goals would be a waste of time (In My Opinion). Instead, I would enjoy the good feeling and acknowledge them for what they are- a gift from the universe. If the feeling isn't good (are you being exploited, used, made to feel 'inferior') then there is the problem. Find out why you are accepting this behavior (without rejecting the good feelings) and go from there.

There's a difference between mutual agreement and codependency, and it has to do with how your boundaries are being respected, and how you're respecting them yourself.

dreamosis
23rd June 2009, 11:02 PM
When you see her at the center of it you're projecting her into it. Do you see this differently?

I don't think I'm following you her. By "center" myself, I meant collect myself, ground myself... But now that I state that, I know that the answer is "You do it the same way you do in the midst of any powerful emotion."


This assumes you need a return to a place of validation. Do you not value yourself? Does she not value you?

...I suppose I haven't been valuing myself. I've become obsessed with her happiness and satisfaction and I see my self-worth as directly tied to (what I perceive as) as level of satisfaction.


It is only when this need becomes more than the love itself then it's when the trouble starts. Do you feel she doesn't approve of you or something you do?

Very true. The need has been superceding the presence of love in my being. My mind has been drowning out the sounds of my heart. No, I don't feel she doesn't approve of something I do... Somehow I've gotten paranoid. My ego is hijacking me.

CFTraveler
23rd June 2009, 11:13 PM
I suppose I haven't been valuing myself. I've become obsessed with her happiness and satisfaction and I see my self-worth as directly tied to (what I perceive as) as level of satisfaction. This is also not uncommon. I'm pretty sure that you will snap out of it, when you think of where you want to be in five years. Will you still derive your satisfaction from hers? I doubt it.
So I'd say, give yourself a break, the fact that you are worrying about it shows that you are already starting to 'snap out of it'.
Ain't Love a Kick in the Ass?
:mrgreen: (I can't remember who said that).

dreamosis
24th June 2009, 02:13 AM
Yeah, I'm snapping out of it. It's just so weird. I haven't been like this since I was 19 (I'm 31).

dreamosis
24th June 2009, 06:01 PM
Going through this insecurity has reminded me that we all are challenged in different ways. For instance, I have almost zero fear about public speaking or being in front of a large crowd of people. From doing theatre as a young person, and still doing it now, I can dance on a stage at a club being watched by a hundred people and I don't care at all. But the piercing gaze of a person I love in private can make me anxious -- because I've been hurt.

I've found it very difficult to get into a healing zone in the last few months because of this new relationship. The new energies in and around my heart (which are 99% wonderful) feel so intense to me that I can't concentrate on anything else.

ps24eva
24th June 2009, 08:54 PM
The man should never act desperate. It is the number one thing that ruins relationships.

In fact, I advocate something called the pre-emptive breakup. Breakup with her. Then get back together when she crawls back.

After that, she will be yours for LIFE!

Jaco
25th June 2009, 12:30 AM
The man should never act desperate. It is the number one thing that ruins relationships.

In fact, I advocate something called the pre-emptive breakup. Breakup with her. Then get back together when she crawls back.

After that, she will be yours for LIFE!
You must have a very hairy chest. :D

CFTraveler
25th June 2009, 12:48 AM
The man should never act desperate. It is the number one thing that ruins relationships.

In fact, I advocate something called the pre-emptive breakup. Breakup with her. Then get back together when she crawls back.

After that, she will be yours for LIFE! You don't have a gf, do you?

Raphael33
24th May 2010, 07:22 PM
Thats good advice actually in my opinion however not easy to entrain yourself with that conviction

If I feel lust or obsession at all I literally walk the other way. They are demons voices not our own. If my heart tells me that someone is right for me then I listen, although I ignored that recently which could be why I am single.

Its not easy to see this, I think our own desire prevents rational thought about the subject.

TheLawOfOne
3rd August 2010, 05:02 PM
I've recently become obsessed with a woman. I'm in love, too, but I say obsessed because in the last day or so I've recognized how attached I am to her opinion of me and even her presence. Never have I felt so much anxiety in a relationship. ...Never have I felt so deeply for somebody.

How do you center yourself in the midst of overwhelming lust and love? How do you return to a place of self-validation? Unravel the need for approval? Sort out what you want from the goals of the relationship or the other person when you're so loveblind?

There is no secret to it. You realize how you are. You know that you don't want to be that way. So you will have to work at it to not let yourself be blinded. To be in control more, still a loving person, but not obsessed. No one can tell you how to do it. Only you will know. Analyze why you always feel this way and work towards the ideal you.