Masteriusz
30th August 2009, 09:11 PM
Hello,
I really don't know how to start, at least I finally managed to post on this forum. It's been almost 4 years since my older brother commited suicide, and it changed my world completely. He used to be the one who tought me everything concerning philosophy, modern science, art. I always tried to do things the way he did, I was very proud of him, since he was the smartest and most intelligent guy I've ever met. Before he died, I was very angry with him. He was very selfish and couldnt see that our parents worked hard to provide everything we needed. He spent a year having fun, trying to become an important, rich man, instead of studying. He took a year off which we didn't know, parents were still paying for everything. And then, when he got a depression, I thought that he deserved it. I didnt really see him begging for help, I just left this to everybody else. I thought that this was not my concern, that everything will gonna be ok. It's very hard to live life with that knowledge, that my own anger made me not see the other human being in need. Hopefully, every story has a happy ending. I know that if not his death, I wouldn't have been able to help other people I met in my life. Right now I want to live my own life, I need to know that I'm on a right track. I have to deal with the past and I've learned that it cant be done alone, by myself. These four years were years of grief and loneliness. Even though I found a great girl two years after, I was unable to have a healthy relationship, it was too hard for both of us, we split recently. I don't want to be alone in the dark anymore. There's no way I can be ever happy If I didn't open up to other people. And maybe, there shall be a day when I forgive myself, which is not that easy as it sounds.
If there's someone up there, wanting to bring me some light, contact me by mail, masteriusz at o2 dot pl. I highly prefer such communication.
I really don't know how to start, at least I finally managed to post on this forum. It's been almost 4 years since my older brother commited suicide, and it changed my world completely. He used to be the one who tought me everything concerning philosophy, modern science, art. I always tried to do things the way he did, I was very proud of him, since he was the smartest and most intelligent guy I've ever met. Before he died, I was very angry with him. He was very selfish and couldnt see that our parents worked hard to provide everything we needed. He spent a year having fun, trying to become an important, rich man, instead of studying. He took a year off which we didn't know, parents were still paying for everything. And then, when he got a depression, I thought that he deserved it. I didnt really see him begging for help, I just left this to everybody else. I thought that this was not my concern, that everything will gonna be ok. It's very hard to live life with that knowledge, that my own anger made me not see the other human being in need. Hopefully, every story has a happy ending. I know that if not his death, I wouldn't have been able to help other people I met in my life. Right now I want to live my own life, I need to know that I'm on a right track. I have to deal with the past and I've learned that it cant be done alone, by myself. These four years were years of grief and loneliness. Even though I found a great girl two years after, I was unable to have a healthy relationship, it was too hard for both of us, we split recently. I don't want to be alone in the dark anymore. There's no way I can be ever happy If I didn't open up to other people. And maybe, there shall be a day when I forgive myself, which is not that easy as it sounds.
If there's someone up there, wanting to bring me some light, contact me by mail, masteriusz at o2 dot pl. I highly prefer such communication.