PDA

View Full Version : Jealousy & Non-Resistance



dreamosis
6th January 2010, 05:04 PM
This is a sort of self-healing post...

Over the last few months, I've had my first (and hopefully last) tangle with jealousy. What I learned is that no one wants to be jealous. I didn't. I knew it was irrational, inappropriate, unattractive, and unproductive. Yet it grew and grew.

In our culture, there are different standards of acceptability for different emotions. The majority usually accepts that some anger is healthy, some sadness is healthy, some pride is healthy; but there's a strong consensus that jealousy is bad, bad, bad.

I now see that it's that attitude about jealousy that makes it so hard to process. Knowing that it was irrational, unattractive, and unproductive, I *resisted* it. Energetically I said, "No, no, no!" The trouble with that response is that resisting an emotion or energy is a very inefficient way to vent it -- mostly it makes the energy or emotion stronger, makes it stick to you.

So much of healing, I'm learning, is about cultivating awareness. If when the jealousy had first cropped up I simply said to myself, "Hmmm, that's interesting. I'm jealous. Why might that be? What might I believe about myself that would cause me to feel like I'm less-than? Is it actually true? And, if some of it is true, what can I actually do about it? Do I want to expend that energy? How important is this in the long term?" ...If I'd done that, accepted what I was feeling instead of judging it and freaking out, it would've been so much easier on me. Lordy, Lordy.

...I had a lucid dream about evil children chasing me the other night. They were hanging on me and I was panicking. I knew I was dreaming. I tried creating an energy shield to keep them away. It worked, but I had to constantly focus on it and pour energy into it to keep it up. I ran from them and dove into a deep pool and they followed and followed. Under the water they turned into black clouds of energy. At that point I realized that they were just me. Terrible, child-like parts of my energy that I pushed away because I didn't want to be that way or feel that way. But I did. And so what?

A good friend of mine, who I was talking about this to, reminded me that even Han Solo in "Return of the Jedi" turns into a pouting, jealous child: "Could you tell, Luke? Is that who you could tell?" Han Solo is the epitomy of cool, but he too succumbed to being a total man-baby. :) (Why do I keep making totally nerdish references on this site?)

So much learned last year.

wstein
6th January 2010, 05:35 PM
Excellant insights !!

Timotheus
7th January 2010, 05:44 AM
:D

dreamosis
7th January 2010, 06:13 PM
I was talking with my stepmother last night and she shared a saying that's stuck with me:

"It's abnormal to act normally in an abnormal situation."

I can see how I acted "normally" -- like nothing was amiss -- in a situation in which something was amiss. I wanted to be unaffected, but I was affected. By denying that I was affected, and deeply, I drove myself half-crazy.

Serpentarius
7th January 2010, 07:50 PM
I was talking with my stepmother last night and she shared a saying that's stuck with me:

"It's abnormal to act normally in an abnormal situation."

I can see how I acted "normally" -- like nothing was amiss -- in a situation in which something was amiss. I wanted to be unaffected, but I was affected. By denying that I was affected, and deeply, I drove myself half-crazy.

There is a difference between not being affected by something and acting as not being affected by somethng. Forcing ourself to pretend that something is diferent than it is can be exausting.
I think there are no abmornal situations. We decide what is normal and abnormal basing on our experience, belifs, morality, rules of cunduct etc. Normal/abnormal are just labels we put on things. :)

We are frigile creatures, but we try to be strong, no? :)

dreamosis
7th January 2010, 08:46 PM
Yes, normal and abnormal are relative. In my own situation, I got jealous when I a woman I was dating -- and with whom I'd fallen in love -- slept with someone else. At the time we weren't exclusive. So, according to the rules, I was not supposed to get jealous. I told myself over and over that I wasn't supposed to feel that, as per our agreement, but I did feel it. And I think most people would feel hurt by that too.

Timotheus
8th January 2010, 06:51 AM
:D

dreamosis
8th January 2010, 10:44 PM
I will accept this awareness. It's brought me a very needed relief after months and months of being in constant judgment of myself. I came by this awareness at a hefty price, but I'm glad I paid what I paid. Pain is a teacher.

And, you're right, she was never "mine" to lose. You can't possess another human being. And, in another turn, a lot of the insecurity I felt was never mine either. I thought I was more insecure than I actually am because I was in so much judgment -- judgment so severe that I believed I was despicable.