KristinaKarina

“Who am I anyway”…

The first account that I can remember of any significance was when I was born. I remember my birth mother, and I remem
ber being separated from her at the Edna Gladney Home in Fort Worth Texas. I had a dream about it when I was beginning menarche. I met my birthmother years later, and I described what I saw in the dream: her hair colour and style, her sitting up on the stretcher after delivering me. She could co-relate my account of the surroundings and her hair colour and style.
I also dreamed that my name was Angela, or Angelina. My birthmother confirmed that she would have named me Angel, or Angela after her own name, Ann. She named my younger sister Anita, and Anita is born near my birth date.
The couple of significant events occurred around the same time prior to menarche. In one, I was a small child about 5 or so, and my parents and I had gone to a family picnic with others. I and some other children were milling about the edge of some woods in Mississippi, or Alabama. They started poking sticks at a pile of leaves and twigs, and trying to squish a moth – except what I saw wasn’t a moth, it was a small person – and I became very upset. My father chastised me because he was embarrassed that I was creating such a row.
Later, I moved to California in 1979. I was glad to be moving there, but unfortunately things were tumultuous, and I did not get to meet the many interesting people who were beginning to live outwardly the Pagan movement then. But, I did get introduced to the Southern California Renaissance Faire, and was a renfaire enthusiast ever since.
I did meet some people there who were very nice to me, but they happened to be self proclaimed Satanists. I lived with them for a while, but did not practice Satanism. In fact, one sabbat they said they could not practice it because I was around. I had always felt that christianity was a bit of a farce, and their particular brand of satanism being an inverse of christianity, I had no respect for it. I told one, Michael, that I had intentions of investigating Magick, and he first introduced me to the Maxim:” to dare, to will, to know, and to keep silent”. I took that one seriously.
I then moved back to a very repressed part of Texas, and spent most of my time attempting to flee it. I managed to meet one who would become my mentor, and he was my husband. He was very familiar with all sort so literature and philosophy, and had a very tolerant attitude towards anything I wanted to read or practice. I think he had been a bit of a ceremonial magician at one time, but he never let on to me much. I read most of the outer court of Pagan literature, and a lot of fluffy bunny stuff. One book which I cannot get a hold of again entitled Magick in Theory and Practice (not Crowley’s) featured a couple of Egyptian rituals which I practiced with great success. The second one to Bast produced tangible results with a swarm of cats plaguing my home to the extent that we couldn’t let ourselves in our door without them. They were so many for a while that they were trying to crawl down the chimney.
Unfortunately, my life got hectic with working nights and trying to raise a daughter. I had help from my husband and my daughter’s father, but the environment in which I was working was hostile to me, and it took it’s toll. Still, I tried to raise my daughter in a Pagan and happy way. We joined the SCA and all its drama, and attended Renfaires as regularly as possible. My daughter is quite adept at clairvoyance and clairaudience but she prefers to live a suburban lifestyle. She’ll be back.
Now, I live on a 1000 acre wildlife preserve in Rhode Island, New England. I live here on account of my very vital, be he very Newtonian- in-perspective beloved. He is somewhat tolerant of my interests and practices, but he is more results driven. So, I have the time to research and get back to practicing magic(k). I found Feri, again, while looking up stuff about fairies like Perrelandra gardening techniques and such. I believe this place is very well inhabited by fairies, and I wish to cultivate them.
I realize that Fairies are not the same as Feri Tradition; however I think that they are not mutually exclusive either. I am ready to move on from fluffy bunny twink-craft; I, like my boyfriend, want results. I want more than results – I am just now recouperating from a lifestyle that took my health and my sanity for 20 years. I feel that I need to feed my spirit and get things straight and clean before proceeding. Gardening and herbs have been very helpful, but I need more. I want to be able to travel out-of-body and “know” within my core of knowing the things that I was shown as a child.

Etheric Anatomy: The Three Selves and Astral Travel
by Victor and Cora Anderson

Thank you.