You've got some good points there.
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I mean, we can reverse the whole reasoning and get to the core - what are you really afraid of?
Being deceived into trusting something that isn't real and doesn't work. When I put my faith in Christianity, it failed me in a huge way, and caused a lot of emotional damage. I don't want the same thing to happen again.
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You're erecting artifical belief system barriers to exclude experiences that are not obviously "practical" or cannot be "validated". Whom does this help? Whom are you trying to satisfy? To whose standard does it have to measure up? Your parents? An authority? Science? Society?
I don't think I'm intentionally excluding experiences...I'm just not basing any beliefs on them until I can be sure they won't collapse under pressure. See, I'm not necessarily seeking validation for each individual experience...I'm seeking validation for the idea that there's something beyond my physical self that can be trusted. Something that won't disappear when I need it most. Something that works.
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You're taking this serious and because you're taking it serious you're giving yourself a hard time, demanding proof and everything. Why don't you just ease up and enjoy the ride, and don't expect any of it? Just write it down, have fun, play with it, see what comes of it. Big metaphysical expectation or demands can be blocking.
I guess easing up is kind of foreign to my experience. I'm not really sure HOW to ease up...that may sound strange, but it's true.
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I've been at it since 2005 and no validation in that special sense. Got no badge, not even a t-shirt! All I got was observable change within myself and of my life. If nothing else came from it, would it have been for naught? I don't think so.
To me, an observable change of self and life would be a pretty good validation. That means it worked. That's results.
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And I surely got into my own way by demanding that it has to be like this or that, or only that is interesting. The less I do this, the more experiences I have, the richer they get. Opening up to spirit to me also means acknowledging that I'm not running the show alone, and cannot be in control all the time. Given my ways, that was already a big admission for me (and is ongoing ;) ). The good thing that is a given IMO is that spirit is interested in advancing and furthering each and everyone of us. I can only "win" with taking this "risk".
This is where perhaps my trust issues are blocking me. As far as I know, I AM running the show alone. And if something else is running the show, I can't be sure it has my best interests in mind. I guess in a sense I have a kind of victim mentality when it comes to spirit. I've been beaten before, how can I be sure that hand reaching for me isn't gonna hit me too? Or perhaps beaten is the wrong context to frame it..."abandoned" might be better. This is why I have so many "tests" that any form of spirituality has to pass before I accept it. I have to know it'll be there when I need it.
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Sounds like you need to get started into dream interpretation. Many dreams are messages, but if you do not make an effort to interpret them you will never learn the skill.
It's like saying "I can't relate to these Nepalese people. Nothing they say seems to apply to my life. It's total gibberish!" ;)
You're 100% right there. I guess I've sort of been scared of trying it, because symbols are so subjective and a single symbol could mean ten different things to me. How do I know which one is right? Of course, that's a somewhat lame excuse...I haven't done much research on dream interpretation, so I don't have the most solid of foundations to base my prejudices on.
Man, you really helped open some tightly sealed doors. I almost cried typing some of my responses out, which means there's still a huge emotional charge/blockage I haven't released concerning my past. Honestly answering the questions bared those wide.