GRATITUDE LIST

-getting a latte from coffee chain nearby since i ran out of coffee
-banana fruit spread
-a friend giving me one of their cookies to try
-how much my face is transforming
-how amazing my body is looking. tight,toned,slimmed with a smaller amount of exercise now. love it so much.
-yoga
-my vegan omega vitamins and how amazing they are
-the incense burning now and how strong it is
-how amazingly healthy my hair
-how amazingly smooth my body is from that body scrub i received
-how amazing the weather is today
-the sun
-how peaceful last night was,getting subtle little insights as i did some guided meditations last night with one of the doors open and hearing the sounds of the outside
-feeling in a pretty good mood today
-animal activists
-music
-summer vibes
-massage
-that i get to blog soon on my personal blog
-have been having a lot of thoughts about E for some reason again,idk why but all kinds of thoughts,and strong feeling ones,too. it's starting to drive me crazy,i'm trying to channel it to intention setting and whatnot and i know it's just telepathic back and forth conversation going on between us but it makes me mad because my head wants to at times deny things and say he's not good enough,but then i feel a strong pull and then a sense of appreciation and love for him,that's been there since the beginning and then i start to feel slight fear,and then sadness and jadedness at how things are now. i'm very energy sensitive and last night at 2 am,i just get this surge of thoughts about him and like i can't get him out of my head and just very intense feeling with it,where it's like i can't even focus on what i'm doing. he is one person i always felt very in tune,psychically with but didn't think much of it since people i am in tune with that way can be random especially how energy sensitive i am. even right now,i feel almost antsy about him,i do want to decipher what parts are me,what parts are from him,because i got the feeling back in march from an intuitive reading that there was some anxiety from him about me and it's already been proven with how i've seen him and conversations that he definitely thinks about things a lot more then he shows. so,i appreciate that i'm aware of this and am trying to channel it positively and am not denying my feelings as well. now that i've stripped away all the repressions i had in march and before,i can even imagine us as a couple and in love which is insane.
-i appreciate that i am strong,and stand my ground that D from fall was absolutely wrong to me with what he did and someone to be staying clear of him.i appreciate that i blocked him.
-i appreciate L texting me even though i don't like him that way simply because...not many people to talk to these days.
-i appreciate one of my higher self insights telling me,i need to take an action to bring some movement to my life socially. it's now warm out,and i have no one inviting me out,and it makes me sad,i don't have friends to hang out with really. there's so many things i want to do,and am ready for. last year,was so sad,and i find myself wanting to re-connect to the things from last year i didn't take advantage of fully and rejected because of my pain.i'm trying to intention manifest things that are fun that i desire to come into my reality.
-that i cleaned the kitchen
-that i'm ready for newness. that i desire to reconnect with some things,and manifest completely new things as well,since i find both important
-instagram likes and followers i get
-being able to walk around barefeet in apartment and porch and how good that feels
-knowing i need to do something. even if i don't quite know what yet,though it feels as if even almost anything will prove benefits. it's time to get out.
-feeling confident in my appearance
-sweet things,like random very rare moments when i got to hear what E really thought of me like the one time he was talking about the friend he liked,who later obviously it was me,saying he thought she was innocent. when he didn't tell me directly or when he thought he moved on from me,it was easy for him to say nice things to me.

geez,it's been a more interesting days then ianticipated this last month.
-water
-coca cola
-nice warm weather today
-being slender
-ok,last night i felt even more of a buildup of how lonely and friendless i feel..i think that's why certain other things have affected me so much too this last week is because i feel so friendless,and unnoticed.i'm the girl people lurk but don't talk to.i'd like to think that maybe this build up and increase of these feelings is natural unfolding(everyday has it's meaning and purpose) and maybe even from the incense ritual having an effect,somehow it is playing out like this to lead to other things because right now i just feel an intense feeling of isolation,unsupport,and friendless even though i KNOW i'm a valuable girl who is attractive,fun,smart,kind,interesting,etc,etc. I'm a unique soul,i'm interesting and i know people find me to be interesting,etc,etc. It's something I do internally,and so on. My fear more then anything is staying stuck in the cycles of this and it repeating,and that's what is really painful. I also felt almost desperate for E last night and thinking of crush A from the past as they seem to be two desires that I hold onto and that I feel without that,what do i have in a sense. Since,afterall,our desires give us life,something to aspire to,meaning,hope and so on and both of those desires connect to certain parts of myself that I am,want to become. Wow,writing all this affirms for me more the importance of desires again. Society makes desires sound not very important,but they are far more important,and a part of us then we realize. But,anyways,last night i just felt,what would I be without those two desires? I'd feel so empty. They connect to parts of me that are and want to be,young,crazy,and have fun and explore life. I'd feel very sad if either of them went away and even if it manifested and then went away..well i fear that,too and maybe that blocks it from manifesting,too..even though i know the cycles of life,and new things come and it'd all be ok and that i wouldn't feel like as bad as i think once things have manifested. I think we really do block the flow of life for sooo many reason, including guilt and not feeling good enough,and of course fear of getting what we want because of reason such as this and so we hold onto the desires keeping them in a sort of standstill holding position basically. so,the point of this,is the desires exist for as reason. All desires from the heart do,they are meant to manifest in some way,and at some time. With A,i can easily by now,with no doubt know he and I will manifest something sometime in the future. I now feel easily and naturally whereas before i just felt this pang and longing towards him and lots of serendipity. But,now after all that's happened,i just feel with ease,that knowing,it's become very strengthened and it's really nice. The biggest serendipity of all played a part in this i'm sure. With E,i pulled a tarot card (i don't do them often anymore) asking what i should know about him that I don't and the card I got ,I read as destiny. It sort of made me go whoa. But,anyways,i have no doubt with E,as well i will see him again,i just feel very impatient because also,life feels dull,like it needs movement and i feel so very very ready. I didn't in march. I was able to be honest with myself about that then. And,in April,I felt blocked. I can see how I blocked things then and now I'm ready.I'm just going to keep repeating to the universe that i'm ready. And,life does feel like a calm before the storm right now. The air and sky just feels a little quieter..you can't live your life waiting,if you are,you need to make a change because this is,this is life,this is all it is.and,one thing i've learned is no matter what desire manifests whether it's your dream job,relationship,dream place to live,you can't run away from yourself..you bring yourself to what you manifested..sure life gets a little better,but things don't just miraculously change because you manifested a dream desire.So,you have to live your being and not waiting,know your desires are important and have meaning,and know that of course life will get better once you manifested a big desire but it doesn't mean happily ever after because you bring you to whatever it is you desire. i appreciate being able to reflect on all this,and find meaning in my depressed and anxious feelings i had. one thing,i may try doing is instead of just trying to manifest and align with a particular desire(which it's already done,because loa is easy peasy),is to change my day to day to life and my way of being,that way the person i bring to my newly manifested desires is also different. on top of this,one thing with A the crush that i noticed is,i have only manifested him on a very very high vibration. i find this very interesting,and it's one of many inspirations for me to be very happy. idk what this means about him,it's not like he's a very spiritual person or anything. he is happy,but he's certainly far from perfect. but,yeah from the first time we spoke to so on,it always was in my most highest vibrations. ANOTHER interesting,and random note is,some people i noticed i tend to manifest in lower vibrations..i've since learned those were bad people and toxic obviously that they only popped in when my vibration dipped a little bit. I've also learned over the years how to decipher good from people from bad people. Good people feel good,and tend to have a higher vibration.That's why as imperfect as crush A may be,I can tell he is an angel. It also may be seem contrary but people who pop in during higher vibration times also tend to be the good people for you which is why when you are sad,depressed,and in pain,you sometimes don't manifest people. This has been my experience. You have to feel it,before it comes. You have to trust more deeply in the universe,then you do others.
-my love for my lost loved one.i miss her so much. i still cry for her on some days.
-my slender figure. how toned my figure is. i love looking at how slim my legs look.
-my incense i bought.i intuitively picked three at that last visit,a very strong one..possibly strongest one i've ever bought before and two more gentle loving ones and even roommate commented on how strong the scent is. idk why but i just love my incense burning ritual.i find it so powerful for intention setting because of the metaphor with the smoke being released being the intentions being released out to the universe and as the smoke comes closer i feel stronger focus that allows me to feel the intention deeply just knowing it's done. on top of that,it's so summery and the scents remind of summer and meditating for some reason and that i'm a powerful creator.i also have a feeling from this,that next week is going to be a powerful week.
-being realistic and easy on myself.
-being able to walk barefoot
-omega vitamins
-feeling drawn towards third eye chakra things,like the lavender tea i bought last night,and feeling urges to do work with the middle of the forehead,and wanting my lavender oil(which i misplaced).i think this is my higher self telling me i'm ready to work with that chakra again as that chakra seems to be calling me.i have a feeling that next week is going to be very high vibration actually. during most situations(deep pain times are one exception),i can get the chakras balanced and activated within a few days which gets me on a high vibration and intention manifesting becomes easy and natural. this can be one of the BEST ways to utilize the loa to manifest desires. i love it.
-strawberry lemonade mikes hard lemonade that i had last night
-lovely time on the porch last night and how amazing the weather was/
-the nightskies and how soothing it was
-in my pain,i joined a bunch of meetups. not the ideal route at all of what i wanted to do,as it's what i did in 2012 and i feel i've evolved from that,but i feel very lost and not sure what to do. strangely,though,i did find some interesting ones i hadnt seen before including one for girls that has meetups that seem to very much fit my interests.i rsvped for one,and then looked up the girl's name on social media,and she is a promoter,so even better,maybe ill make friends with another promoter which is actually one thing i wanted. all i know is i have to take SOME actions.
-finding beauty in the mundane with all the pictures i take nowadays while out and about
-looking at another apartment last night which wasnt going to be an option anyways since it's same neighborhood but roommate really wanted to see it,so we went. it was nice,and cheaper,but i refuse to move to the same neighborhood after being stuck here for a whole year,plus the guy wanted someone to move asap and lease isn't up yet. it's been good to start looking though and see what's out there.
-being able to be honest with myself that yes,i have direction in my life,finally,i even talked to friend on the porch last night that i feel in about two months things are going to get ridiculously good with some things because of a career venture that will be starting in month or two. it's going to open up newness,and give me new chances. i'm really excited.i also know in my heart,I do want E. I know where I want my next trip to be,and when. I'm on the hunt for apartments and feel relaxed about the process and also changed my perceptions about what i want with that a little bit and compromised. I have hopes,desires,things i'm working for. But,i do feel stuck with some things,too,and lost. And,i can be honest with that. I don't know what to do about E,because I can't invite him to hang out...i don't even have any friends to plan a hang out and invite him to come too like how he does with me,so that's why all i can literally do is have it be him who invites me. If I had more friends,it'd be so easy,just like with many other things in life i wanted but couldn't do because i didnt have friends to bring with. Makes me pretty mad,actually thinking about it like that. But,i know i need to place a trust in the universe,and allow things to become created. I don't need this or that to happen,i just need to allow and ask the universe for help with the things i feel i want it to be specific on.
-that despite the E anxiety and feelings with friends,i do feel more a sense of relaxation and purpose the last two days or so
-my laptop computer
-that at least i'm taking actions now,and feeling ready. and,again,super appreciate the strong claircognizant feeling i'm geting that something is about to happen. it's just a calm,powerful,knowing that feels as if it's embedded in me,like things have been rearranged
-funny things that manifest. like,for the THIRD time in a matter of a few weeks,my best friend seen an ex while at the store with me. it amuses me because it makes me wonder what the heck is going on in his vibration and thoughts that this keeps manifesting? the first two times we hid from her because she is psycho and it upset my friend because he really didnt want to see her,but the last one was a different girl so i told him to go talk to her,and it made him feel better i think to be able to do so since he'd been feeling depressed a little
-my eyeglasses
-getting more haircolor from store last night to fix my hair since that's been making me insecure
-finally feeling more safe in my apartment a little bit
-that i feel better from hangover already.i drank a little bit,but already feel back to normal.
-getting the dishes done
-clouds and the amazing and surreal way they looked on the porch yesterday that i even took a picture
-my porch and how great it is sit out there,do yoga,etc and how great it makes me feel
-a certain famous model who i look alot alike and had friend take picture of a banner signage she was on. she makes me feel more confident.
-that when my mood got higher yesterday,another girl,K,contacted me asking what i'm doing this weekend. it wasn't ideal to my wants,but showed me i'm getting closer and see what my vibration does. Just be happy! Things will come about.

2 lists in one day because i have a half hr to spare so why not!
-deciding to color my hair right now
-going to the beach today and the peaceful water lookout point where i finally felt some calm after a very aggravating time
-the colors of the sky
-all the signs i am getting something is around the corner,even one that freaked me out since last time it meant something bad that happened literally like a day or two later!!!! but,this omen supposedly is good usually. i had several signs today,that was the only one that made me fear
-getting in a really good,life is magical,grateful for everything mood for about an hour or so in the day time before the beach. got brought down by someone's drama,but it's ok,it shows me how easy it is to do,and i'll do it again
-seeing how easy i can recieve energy from friend and how powerful he is at sending energy. it's motivating. the peaceful calm i felt at the water point...apparently he had sent me energy right before i got to that point of walking.
-heart chakra,throat,and third eye solfeggio musics which have lifted my vibration in the last hour or two which is so needed as i felt so antsy about E again realizing it's all him even on business trip when i thought i was over him,who was the one i kept thinking about him,even if about something mundane...it was him. i'm sad realizing how little i actually know about him,and i just really,really,really want to see him.i've already sacrificed the friendship knowing it may well be over,and am ok with that if we can't be friends again,but i need to see him,even it means it has to be romantic now. i'm willing to lose the friendship,even if it means losing him,as i see now,i have no choice.i'm ready to explore what we are meant to explore.i just know i'm going to see him any moment now and something big is about to happen.i can feel it in my bones,that we will see each other before these next few weeks are over,that it won't take that long,we will see each other much sooner then that.i don't know what any of this means,i just feel stuck and like i need to see him,and see what happens. that kiss meant something. that is so obvious. i was overwhelmed in march. april i had to focus on work,but now i'm ready. i've repressed so much but i think there is more significance to him then i realized. maybe i am rushing too much,and i'm obviously anxious but that's just because of my fears from past experiences. i'm also fearing how old i am starting to get. people around me are getting engaged and having all these things happen,and i feel stuck.i have direction,but am stuck. i got hit with all this muck the last two weeks but it'll be ok those things. i'm ready. i'm ready. i'm ready. i can see where things fit now,some of them. like how my ex A wasn't meant to stick around,but just for us to catch up,that's just his role. B helped me get away from D and also,maybe played a part in E and us kissing..well,he did actually. but,E is the one who has a more significant role then B and D. i'm not even mad at him,i just need to see him,to see what happens. This is insane. how has it now been almost 3 months? yikes,though actually i had thought it had been longer so feel slight relief. I need to surrender,and delete past patterns/beliefs from my subconscious and allow life to flow and not feel stuck. Anything is possible.
-that i'm determined that no matter what i'm going out sometime this week/weekend to have a nightout.
-that the good side of all this,is my will is feeling very strong,to make things happen. I just KNOW this,and that,and that and this is going to happen. I'm determined and it's done. anger has a purpose,when used constructively. sometimes,anger can climb you out of a stuck mode.
-how my eyes and skin,and face have changed. i swear it looked like i had skin makeup on today when i didn't and my eyes looked almost like they changed colors slightly and look more clear. it's so insane. also,my body is super tight lately,and very smooth from the body scrub,and the light exercises i do nowadays throughout the day
-the nice walk today i took
-how peaceful it sounds outside right now
-feelings of desire from fun desires of wanting to go out,to being able to think some guys are attractive that i see while out and about
-feeling more confident about myself lately about who i am,looks
-all the instagram photo likes today and follows
-that in some ways the loa is becoming easier i feel. i'm making it easier, and so it's becoming so. amazing things are happening to me this next week. just stay in the moment,make efforts,don't try too hard. don't be afraid to try again with things if needed and tweak your vibration. using the month of feb of this year as my motivation since it was my most magical loa month.i went through deep pain and climbed myself out with loa and manifested magic. back then,i just stayed strong and didn't give up. the month opened with pain,and closed with healing and magic. then,i admittely got little lazy and drifted and was unfocused and have been ever since,but now i'm back with it. it is amazing to me how much time has passed though,and eerie. like,what the hell happened since then? i do know. i remember how i blocked certain things,and that block is gone now. thankful for all this motivation and being able to observe my reality right now.

-feeling very motivated today,determined,and strong willed
-my powerful incense i am using,that it's one of the strongest incenses i've ever used,and how incense really helps me with my intention manifesting. love it.
-the beautiful sunny weather today.
-great digestion
-my beautiful,healthy,cute teeth
-beauty role models
-great new fruit spread flavor i tried today
-coffee
-water
-how great my hair color looks now. love the color and way it turned out.i feel much more confident now
-how slim and tight my body is
-how determined i am to change my life around again and bring some magic into my reality! i can feel it. this week is pivotal. i've felt antsy still today,admittedly,but strong,and keep affirming to myself that i am surrendering to the calm which is starting to help. also appreciate the root chakra music i decided to listen to half hour ago to help feel grounded and secure with all the work i am doing,and how antsy i still felt.i also appreciate the cedarwood oil i dabbed on my feet for root chakra balancing as well.
-a contributor making chat with me
-had another possible sign in the form of a dream.not sure if this dream was partially or wholly influenced by my fear and being jumpy though last night thinking about another odd thing last week.
-that before bed after thinking about that sign i came across before walking into apartment and how nervous it made me,i came across an article that read perfectly for me with thinking about january when the same sign came and the article combined with remembering based on how it read gave me idea on affirmations to keep repeating to myself for the next few days to guide me. so i've been using those affirms today and am keeping my eyes open.
-sportsbras and my sportier style these days that i really like and flatters me very well
-a career opportunity for first career that came up
-that i can mold and turn my life around at any moment,and am right now shifting my reality.
-happiness
-all the amazing things i've manifested in the past,the miracles,the shocking things,the things that are just eerie that remind me of my power
-deciding that i'm closing out this month of may with lots of strong manifesting and vibration work. just what is needed after these last two months! i can't wait to see how life will be by june. it's going to be freaking good.
-the wind and how affirming it is for me. this sounds crazy but ever since i was young,i always felt like the wind spoke to me in sense..almost like the universe telling me it hears me. and,it's been very windy today!
-how great my body and backside was looking yesterday. and,it was when i was very happy. happiness clears perceptions. it really does.
-feeling excited for life and changes
-feeling powerful
-my best friend and how great he is at sending energy and encouraging him to focus on that more and that it might help him with his relationship ending pain he is going through.
-cleaning my bedroom last night
-feeling very grateful and deciding to continue that gratitude chain,at the least going for another hour like i did last night,but really going to try and keep it up for the whole day.
-best friend apologizing for being so rude to me yesterday and negative
-being able to also sit back and observe my thoughts
-

a 2nd gratitude list again because i have the time and feel inspired to:
-the lemon water i am finishing up
-the beautiful sunset and staying on the porch for a bit watching it in quiet meditation
-the solfeggio frequencies i've listened today and how high and cleansed my vibration has been getting
-the desire to get a lot done i've been feeling today,which i think is an indicator of my vibration raising too
-calming down a good amount from the antsy feeling i have been having and also making it a goal of today to calm my antsy feelings to calm,non-expectation happy feelings and during a little check in writing i did in my notebook,remembering that non-expectation is actually the feeling i want,the key to manifesting,and what i want to immerse in.it's also a word i like that resonates easily.
-inspiration and desires
-my beautiful apartment
-living in the city i do
-my vitamins
-a nutrient rich meal
-laughing at life
-checking in with my feelings and even observing the change. since i'm doing so much spiritual work right now for the next two weeks or so,it's interesting to see. and recognizing antsy feeling could also be partially from knowing manifestations are near since that is a feeling that happens sometimes before something manifests,when you know something is about to come.
-knowing that though some things were just fear thoughts and completely untrue,it does feel like it's possible things in life ARE in a transition of some sort,and changing. it does seem like the month of may is/was a month of swirl and rotate...change.i didn't so much expect that.i thought this month would be more chill but very positive,and maybe bold,but instead it's been active but subtle and changing,and a lot more internal then ithought.i do feel like life is re-arranging itself and in the midst of it and it's not complete but just started sort of shifting.my mind thinks in metaphors of what i feel internally is going on.
-that my mind has gotten quieter,and how much quieter it always gets once my vibration is higher. this is why it's so much easier to manifest.and that i'm starting to get insights i can trust more gently coming to me
-socks for keeping my feet warm since it's chilly tonight
-leggings for keeping my legs warm since it's chilly tonight
-looking back at old texts from last year and seeing segments of time where life was somewhat normal and i had somewhat of a social life back then. i miss that.i miss having texts in my phone from people i met at parties
-one lesson i learned that next time i will not put off/block seeing people until certain work things have passed.i didn't need to do that.i don't know why i did. well,fear.a person can't live their like that. that was the biggest mistakes i made. being in that fear and blocking things deciding mentally in the month of may certain things can happen. and,look what happened,sure enough right away,first week of may he contacts me. loa always at work. just need to learn to observe your thoughts.i knew that would happen already though,i knew i was manifesting him for may,and making him wait,i thought it in the back of my head,but felt too unfocused like i had to wait until then,like i preferred it. and now i feel like how could it have been so long since we hung out.i know i did it,and so i can't get mad at him,or wonder why it's so weird because it's what i created,and i didn't need to. the only limiting belief i need to clear is that things with us are doomed to be this only seeing each other that often pattern since i created it this time,and last time.i see it easily with my thoughts. that's the block i need to remove. that's the block which has made me antsy in the last few days..that because it's been almost as much time as it had been the last time we didn't see each other for a few months..it'd be that way always,and never be how it was..last year when we hung out consistently. I created that. This whole time i've burning incense to clear blocks...this one is a block i needed to clear on my part...maybe that's why i felt antsy..because it was the block unfolding itself to be cleared.. Last year,it was me saying i need a break from him,i need to not see him for awhile,i'm not ready to see him yet(idk why i needed to be ready to see him?!),and then i started to feel like ok,i think i'd like to see him now,it'd be good for me,etc,etc and then i accepted his invite to his party. I appreciate all of this right now. I just cleared the block. This was important. The ONLY REASON me and him stopped hanging out consistently...........is because i wanted a break from him. I decided. I decided last year. That's why we drifted. He didn't give up on me,but also stayed away naturally without effort on my part. Same thing now. I've said in my head different type of things,but have blocked him. The ONLY difference is,last year,I let him back in without effort. I just decided,ok i'm ready to see him,and it manifested. This time,I blocked and then when ready to see him,i've not been letting him in. So,now the block is gone,and now I will allow him in. It's so weird how this hasn't been more apparent though it's been gently calling me. It's why i firmly believe what you seek is seeking you. At times,i've felt this thought,does he think i'm withdrawing from him...though i thought consciously is he withdrawing from me..but everything in reality is mutual! And,so when you decide/clear/align that you want something..that something wants,you,too! And,that's why when we see others we havent seen in awhile,it's funny. I've remarked in my head times when people seemed wounded they hadn't seen me in awhile and i'd be like in my head,well why didn't you contact me/etc/etc...I go through life feeling certain ways,others feel certain ways from me,but really,i've just not been in alignment,by blockage with my own thoughts that deep down inside don't feel "true" but that ego tries to convince me must be. This is profound. The block is now gone. Love these paradigm shifts,even if parts have already happened before and i'm just getting reminded again. I knew there was a reason i felt inspired to make another list!

-listening to music that is fun and happy
-following what feels good and happy
-going tanning today
-tights
-sweaters
-tank tops
-interesting news stories
-happy,positive new stories
-coffee
-having my door open right now
-one sign so far today
-all the instagram likes
-how great my instagram page looks
-identifying that limiting belief i had last night and how inspiring that was to clear that energy blockage
-a nice sweet vegan breakfast
-water
-newness
-knowing that when you get yourself a little stuck,you may get unstuck within a moment,or it may take a few days,or a little longer,but stay determined,and focus on the progress.i can feel the progress being made as the little messes of energy blockages are getting cleared.
-tuning into my feelings and negative thoughts for a quick moment and asking why and self talk through vs just trying not to think about it,which is actually more helpful. positive self coaxing out of the negative thought seems to work better sometimes versus just straight out not thinking about it
-seeing things slightly starting to bloom a little
-having a great body
-how great my hair looks
-that today,i will focus more on visualizing and pre-paving in my free times
-sleep
-writing affirmations in my notebook before drifting to sleep which helped me to fall asleep with a calm mind and wake up in a good mood
-how great and healthy my teeth look
-knowing i can change my reality incredibly and miraculously at any moment
-getting in the vortex more and more
-a great spirituality blog i love and follow
-stretches
-getting myself excited which is great
-knowing I WILL manifest some amazing desires this summer,and right now and that i will stay on a vibration high more often and more consistently
-remembering fun
-opening myself more and more and feeling myself expanding a little bit towards more desires i'd like to experience and possibilities. i know this is key. openness. a great keyword.
-the power of happiness
-that i will manifest a miracle today
-my primary career and the benefits it offers me and the image and status it gives me
-higher self insights coming to me more and more that are aiding me in what to do
-my spiritual awakening. i was remembering last night,that i may not even be alive today with some of the things i went through if i hadn't gone through that spiritual awakening which gave me a faith,and tools,and understanding to fall back on with things
-that life is about to get very fun,and that i'm on the verge of arrival to the happy boat. my metaphor for where happiness is.
-all the amazing fun moments about to enter my reality,and how much of a match i am going to for them and how i am going to have more consistent amazing fun moments.
-the power of pre-paving
-correcting my thinking
-forgiveness
-that i am amazing,and deserve to manifest my desires
-that what you seek is seeking you
-that i am aligning with feeling:like i'm having so much fun,like life is exciting,social,connected,appreciated,included,val idated,secure,and free. i am aligning with the feelings of what i want to feel.
-that i am immersing in non-expectation. i expect nothing and it feels wonderful as it gets the how out of my thoughts,and allows me to be open with whatever beauty and wonder the universe wants to surprise me with and how amazing i KNOW it will be.
-that my mind is pretty focused
-all the amazing changes i am going to create
-miracles

2nd list of the day,because i have the time:
-delicious food i enjoy to eat
-all the instagram likes
-a nice journaling session where i identified more blockages/limiting beliefs i had so now that is gone! journaling is underrated,it is such a great way to manifest,and raise vibration because it is so purging.i am just about there,really i am there.
-the sunlight coming out. :)
-how young my face looks and how much it is transforming lately
-deciding to be fearless and get out there and take a risk and going to a meetup tomorrow
-starting to see the possibilities a little more again
-insights guiding me along the way of each little step of what to do next,the next one whispering to me being to busy myself a little bit,and cut back on time spent with the spiritual work and more time on doing productive activities unrelated to spiritual work. i've slacked on 2nd career things the last few days so will spend a little time on that tonight.
-feeling ready to let go...as in let go of the spiritual work on the primary issues,and just flow. i'm there now,i just need to relax,follow happiness and feel good. i know what to do. i'm ok.

wow. what an evening.i blame the incense.
-throwing my tarot deck in the garbage. yep! it's what started the anxiety which i know i should't play with those anyways since i don't believe in them. after that,i felt crazy and showered which led to
-me feeling like i have to just contact e. my thinking,the last block i had pretty much was well he invited me out 3 times in row maybe that would make him not want to try again since i've not made an effort. which is stupid but made me feel like i needed to at least try even though with certain obstacles,it wasn't ideal. so,after i got out of the shower,i did it knowing it wasn't ideal the circumstances but doing it,and taking the action of contacting about 5-6 other people too. e didn't respond right away then said he is out of town and he seemed more distant though i think also how i've felt has made me look so closely,it's blurring what is actually there.i was actually ok with him not being able to go.i think i even wanted him not to be able to go. i think i just wanted to make the contact so i'd know i made the effort so that block would be gone. i felt a relief after doing it. like,all the antsyness was finally gone.i did nothing odd,but ask a friend if he wanted to go to a party so there's no reason to feel weird. so there's that which i appreciate.
-on top of that,one of the blocks i had was putting off seeing people like E because i kept wanting to work on myself like i had to bring myself to some perfection before i could see people again to make the top best impression which is not very loving myself. so,that was the other block that's gone and now there is no blocks. i know now,even if imperfect,and a mess,i want to go out! and,i will not wait for perfect circumstances or attaining some perfect ideal to go out and live a little! i really believe the incense did all this. i kept having the slight thought of maybe i should contact him until i had so much anxiety i felt compelled to do it,like i HAD to do it.i do believe this was for the highest good,though,even though it came from a place of fear.the weird thing,too is right before i did it,the meetup i rsvped too was cancelled which made me feel even more like i had to do this.
-after most everyone said no to being able to go to the party i invited,i decided to go ahead and say yes to L with seeing him this weeken,because i need to just get out of the house and do something night-outish even if it's not ideal,most fun in the world plans ever. my higher self feels i just need some fun. so,me and L made plans. they are set and i feel confident i will do them this time instead of flaking on him like i did in march.i feel it'll be good for me.
-getting the surprise response that friend K,the one i email a lot,actually might want to go to event so that put me in a good mood because i may actually go now, and i had forgotten she actually likes those kind of events. she seemed eager about it. so i appreciate that and rsvping yes to the event. shortly after that,after e's delayed response after saying he wasn't available, i rsvped on fb to the event(it showing in newsfeed),he then replied to me which made me feel more relief,as it had felt off he didn't respond to the last text i had sent since i had thought he usually would. i'm convinced he is obviously affected/playing games which is a good sign,shows he cares. i believe this intuitively as well.
-during all the i must contact e drama i realized i need to fix one of the obstacles i have,which put me into action mode to finally find out what's going on with my bank account,and sign up for a new one so got that fixed. nice to have that taken care of since it's been on my mind for weeks now! another thing to be grateful for!
-feeling in such a good mood after all that happened,that i was actually laughing from the relief of energy and realizing how silly i've been. i've been so internally obsessive from being cooped up and not being social! it literally made me crazy. i feel so normal now. it's amazing. so much blocked energy has been cleared!
-playing on my phone and changing usernames and pic icons to funny,cute things that made me giggle
-finding out more good news that some privacy issues i had,actually have been resolved now. so grateful for the help from the two sources i contacted and finding my requests were approved. it's amazing. i'm a firm believer in the quote activity in one area of life generates movement in other areas of life and by deciding to be fearless and just say f--- it,and making a iniation of contact made me feel so free,and back to normal. i literally have no more need to do any spiritual work on that issue.i had just also been too focused on that one thing,and now feel like i've let go and see things with a more bird's eye perspective and expanded view which is so nice.
-a nice bath. water. feeling clean,and my p.rs for sending me such nice beauty products
-how amazing it is that when you step outside yourself and see things from a fearless perspective how things seem to be not much of not a big deal and how fear really takes things out of proportion and distorts.i also back feel now e sees look he isn't available too when i try inviting to something,so he can't get mad at me for not being available which really is nice,too. heck,maybe it even gave him anxiety that he couldn't go! i definitely believe something was going on with his taking time to respond to my last text.i think it helped ME to see i can't overanalyze if i'm not available for something because i just had someone show me a time they're not available. so it shows both ways which helps perspective and perception! don't make a big deal about things and go with the flow!
-black pepper vegan popcorn
-feeling like this day had more then just one point. it had several,it seems. what a full day.
-being able to talk to people and just confide in how stressful this month has been,and intense. a lot has gone on this month!
-feeling tired and like maybe i'll sleep well
-feeling like i did good work today and excited for how back to normal i can be tomorrow
-just feeling more fearless and confident from my actions today.
-relaxation!
-how excited i am for a new month

-my incenses.
-coffee
-delicious food
-sleep
-feeling relief today and normal. so grateful.
-having a bank account now
-vitamins
-seeing how each little thing i've integrated seems to make a small weight loss difference
-sweaters,socks,and comfortable cozy clothing
-feeling more fearless now and ready to immerse in just being more fearless now
-having plans this weekend. everyone else goes and hangs out with people they only even having so-so interest in and im always so picky but i told this person as friends and they keep lingering on which makes me feel i should just go once. he can't be any worse from this D this fall can he? i think it'll be beneficial
-best friend applying to higher end places and actually taking positive actions
-getting living room cleaned
-reality checks. they don't have to hurt,just bring you down to earth. it's one thing to have a subtle inkling,a whole different thing to let it invade your mind and take over you. besides,from an loa perspective what manifests more likely? the subtle inkling which is actually the dominant thought or the whole mind being taken over which is just fear? it's the subtle. the subtle is where we get our power. it's where we have that feeling but allow that smidge of mystery,and doubt and uncertainty which keeps us in non-expectation which is keeping us in the flow of playing out the stories of our lives. i guess it's because we let the subconscious peek out,but when we let the whole mind being invaded that's actually our conscious mind and our subconscious in fear state. subtly command the subconscious. the conscious is useless with telling yourself things. it's no wonder lately when i'd do the affirmations i had about various things it felt like it was going nowhere.i don't think i was believing it.i will start loving the heck out of my subconscious more and commanding it. i think my subconscious has been out of control and could use some tlc(tender love and care)
-physical exercise
-how my phone looks now from all the pic and name changes. it's about the little things. it boosts my mood. one tip i'd give anyone is find the little things that make you feel even just a little better,and do them! when i was younger and suffered from depression,i'd think the little things things were meaningless but now at this point in my life,i know every little things that boosts your happiness,is HEALING. So,yes,if going for a short walk or sitting on the porch or watching a funny movie will make you feel even just a little better,just do it! it never fails me that 99% of the time if i'm feeling down,there's several things i've not been doing that have caused me to feel down such as maybe skimping on exercise or having not gone out in awhile or maybe slacking on meditating so always take a look and ask yourself what have you not been doing lately?
-talking with business partner more about our new career venture we are planting the seeds for
-focusing on productive things again today
-just feeling more faithful,and trusting again. it may not even be super 100% but it's a lot more then it was.
-forehead pulsations. since that's always my sign my third eye chakra is activating and i love it and how it feels
-great moisturizers
-music
-how beautiful my hair is
-body soreness since it tells me my body is being worked out
-how profound even a 30 second meditation can be.i stopped while writing the part about the subconscious part on this list for about 30 seconds and just allowed my mind to be quiet and felt so calm after and powerful and then have been feeling the forehead pulsations.
-being able to tune into myself and ask myself what i'm feeling and why. such as one thing for me is my fear that i'm getting older now and want to change my reality so i don't feel this feeling im having but i'm also having guilt which is blocking me a little bit,like i've had so many amazing things so who am i try and want to feel young and happy as long as i can? i feel the urge to get more life things together,and also have more fun and be young,wild,and free,but then there's fear like i'm not allowed to want to have more wild and free moments and to look and feel young,but that i need to only focus on getting the "practical" things together,and should be grateful i even have as much as i do now like an apartment,etc,etc. so,it's really silly the true me wants to keep reaching for more while appreciating what i do have,and just feel those feelings i desire with no guilt. i guess lately,there is slight sadness i'm not 18 anymore. of course,there is regrets. i could have done so much differently. but,that's what the next life is for. my deepest guilts are triggered by last year's sadness...that had i not gotten sucked into pains from when i was still in high school,i could have made different decisions and that life last year,and now and all the years in between could've been better. on the outside looking in,it looks like i've done so much,and am an amazing,kind person. but,the inner me is someone who turned down many things and didn't reach higher because of their own pains and who was a late bloomer. that's why i've envied certain friends i had met a few years ago. they seemed to have a fresh beautiful start and made fearless steps and seemed in my eyes to be doing it all right. the inner me,is someone who tried to make the best decisions for all involved but feels regret that it just wasn't better. it could've been so much better,and that makes me so sad. and it makes me feel unworthy. that's why a part of me is still the girl in high school who wants those feelings and admires that crush A because he gives her that feeling of him being the popular boy she was too shy to talk to when she actually was in high school. it's like i'm reaching for these opportunities to give me these certain feelings and trying to overcome inconsistencies in my head like the desires conflicting with the guilt. i'm a human being,and i make mistakes and can be selfish.i need to forgive myself. these memories from years ago,are petty and silly to anyone else if they knew,but to me are like trauma in my cells because i have trouble still moving on from them and they affect other areas of my life. who am i to try to fulfill this desire to the fullest my soul calls for it? who am i to have so many goals? all because of petty mistakes i didn't even mean when i was technically still a child...this month has been has been intense,geez
-relaxation,releasing resistances,clearing energy blockages
-hope

-that i found my lavender oil. that oil is like magic. for some reason,i get so drawn to it,and find it so potent and stress relieving. who knew i'd end up so obsessed with lavender? it's become one of my favorite herbs.
-that for the first time,in a little while,i feel normal today.
-that its sunny out and the weather is nice today
-water
-coffee
-doing a really nice,simple,full 20 minute meditation on the porch and how effective it was
-that it looks like my friend K is going to come to the party with me coming up and has been emailing me regularly since i invited her
-all the blockages i released in the last few days thanks to the help of the incense i was using and am still using;going to clear up one last new blockage i picked up right before merc retrograde started with a meditation
-that i know my mental processes arent as acute because of mercury retrograde which explains why the bizarre fear started happening right when mercury retrograde happened.i know based on timing and when it first popped in my head,that it was just anxiety and ocd thought since it also came when i was in a fearful place and already thinking fearful thoughts,but it's still been in my head just slightly even though i've been working on clearing it. it's literally the last thing to clear on a certain issue,and it makes me happy it's mercury retrograde since it explains why also i had gotten so antsy and having the thought. in the first place. I know from experience mercury retrograde just makes mental processes weird like a blur and strange things happen. i'm grateful that i can look forward to june when it'll be over,and i can trust thought processes more,and life will feel even more normal and moved forward and i can 'see' the proof that all is well. and,all this proves even more,i didn't actually want e to be available for the one thing,i just wanted to do it,to contact him so that block could be removed. the universe is amazing.i am sincerely grateful he is out of town for reunion because i know that was the divine plan,that he wasn't meant to be available,but just meant to hear from me,and anxious on his own and that our divine plan is a little later from then to see each other again. it just FEELS so right.
-peanut butter cookies
-cleaning up a lot last night,dishes,kitchen,frontroom organizing,bathroom.i felt compelled to clean a lot of the aparrtment last night as if it would make my feel better and it is so weird because it really did. it made my headache go away,and really lifted my mood and made me think much more clearly like a fog had been lifted. that was literally the last thing i did before i felt normal again.
-that i can change my reality at any moment
-that i can manifest anything and all the insane reality bending miracles i've manifested before that i'm reminded myself of to boost my mood and remind myself of my power
-finding hypnosis audios on music site i like that i can listen to which is exciting,i listened to one last night. quieting my mind is one of the biggest things for me.
-some really great loa vlogger channel from a blog i already liked that i watched before bed. she said some things that really made me intrigued and feel happy.i didn't agree with everything,of course. i'd still like to find more loa teachers who integrate subjective reality,since i don't find many who seem to believe in that,and i've had it affirmed for me too many times as a very basic aspect of truth. loa becomes much easier when you embrace that aspect. and,when i first discovered loa,subjective reality was something i took to naturally without outside info as it made sense.
-how great my third eye chakra feels. it feels open,clear,and getting pulsations which is really nice.
-getting a job offer on linkedin
-that life feels just a bit more blossoming today
-sleep,and that i slept well and fell asleep nice and easily last night
-seeing little processes and ways of thinking that builds to change the perceptions easily and naturally with thoughts and how effective it is changing them little by little.
-focusing on the subconscious more today
-great work ideas coming to me
-things that seem interesting to try
-feeling powerful today
-roommate eating lunch at apartment today
-that something amazing is going to happen either today or tomorrow
-that i get to blog in a little over a week again. i've been craving it for a week or two now.i miss having that outlet
-how normal life is getting,and how wonderful that is.
-how amazing the next month is going to be. i can feel it.
-how when you dedicate yourself to the work of feeling better,and happiness,it will pay off.
-throwing out the tarot deck the other day. that right there,was me taking back my life.