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Re: GRATITUDE LIST
-doing my written affirmations tonight, and deciding to start doing them DAILY or at least almost daily again
-wearing my new marc jacobs bag out tonight
-doing a decent job of eating a low amount of food today
-drinking water
-moisturizer
-wearing brow makeup today
-going to starbucks and getting an apple croissant and apple macchiato to get out of the house for a bit
-buying stamps so i can try and mail my medical letter to secretary of state
-p cat laying by me which is really cute
-noticing when i stayed up and didn't go to sleep, p cat didn't whine at all proving even more he only is whining because i go to sleep
-new experiences
-getting new job potential job offers
-my quilt being clean and the fresh from the machine smell
-buying baby aspirin finally
-getting money in just in time to pay my storage unit without getting a late fee
-my body getting more toned
-my arms looking smaller
-going for my walks which make me feel grounded and motivated and making them longer
-clipping p cat's nails since he may have gotten out of hand a little with b cat earlier
-my plant coming the other day
-ativan
-walking home earlier
-laughing at funny things early in the morning and tonight that had me dying of laughter for some reason
-unpacking neighbor boy some more by asking people questions and trying to process stuff because all of it has just been so weird to me
-changing the litter box
-cleaning the papers mess the cats made in the hallway
-nightskies
-how peaceful the rain was by my window tonight
-ideas
-watching a movie tonight that was kind of nice
-coming up with witty, smart things i'd say, will say in court, want to do if asked and just want to make sure is said/done.
-inspiration
-stretching
-having a kind heart
-baby wipes
-my maturity
-trying to change things and clean up my vibe
-finding a card to send my dad that looks cool and thoughtful
-having a book i want to order for my dad for his birthday i think he'd like about synchronicity
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Re: GRATITUDE LIST
-deciding to snack tonight and not care since i have to stay up all night and to use it to keep me going, buying jalapeno cheetos, ordering dominos etc
-drinking water
-taking care of my skin
-eating a lot less food lately
-finding out i am a new donor at the other place i was donating at
-deciding i really have to let go of knowing what happened with neighbor guy i liked because there is just nothing happening. he ghosted me suddenly. there was some stuff i did, he was giving some signs of being a certain way possibly and there may be another girl and i can't tell if she came right at the same time as me, right after, or was around the whole time. I just know i felt something real, he was nice to me then he completely disappeared and even my desire to "poke the bear" though safely so gets no response. its like he may have blocked me, but i feel like he may not have, and he still follows me on ig, and i think he monitors his following a little not that i think that means a lot but the whole thing is a little weird, but mostly just unfair, because clearly it's something where he just doesn't want to bother saying anything to me which is hurtful and i think that's either spite or trouble communicating. and, it hurts because it makes me think he wasn't that interested and he didn't like me as much as i thought and why do other guys like me so much then someone like him not that interested, even though he did seem very interested at one point. i hardly knew him and it wasn't fair he just ghosted me since we were talking like acquaintances and neighbors for awhile before we hung out
-my clean, cozy blanket
-that after today's court i can start sleeping normally again
-my new brown duster sweater cardigan
-getting some things done tonight and with the next few hours i have this morning before court
-seeing M's husband the other day and how great that felt. It uplifted my mood. He dropped off some painkillers and there was no awkwardness or negative vibes and we talked about the feral cats or about 20-30 minutes
-my face slimming out
-my body slimming out
-my clothes fitting looser
-how great it felt to have a normal moment with M's husband dropping by, just knowing he was there again, it felt so in the flow like everything will be ok i just have to go with the flow.
-showering today
-being told i was young the other day
-being told i was beautiful the other day
-being told i "they've been waiting for that" referring to kissing me by someone all these 3 comments by different people
-watching movies and how comforting that can be
-my angel friend J the author cash-apping me $50 over the weekend
-how receptive B cat is to me
-being told i have a feminine voice by someone, or very feminine voice or something like that
-being a pretty girl
-my face starting to look more and more attractive again
-my lips looking really nice
-having really nice eyes
-having nice cheekbones
-good lighting
-newness
-having great style
-botox
-taking my omegas vitamins
-being smart
-my new journal
-doing written affirmations
-getting the cat tunnel playpen for my cat's so we can go outside without them jumping too far or risky
-cleaning wipes
-taking notes
-my femininity
-taking care of my spirit
-my beauty
-my maturity
-ideas
-flavors of fall season
-learning
-powerades
-remembering my roots again
-becoming more attractive
-hair ties
-calmness
-healing
-feeling like little by little my life will return to normal
-remembering flow of life, and trying to go with it
-being a thoughtful person
-new experiences
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Re: GRATITUDE LIST
-working today my first job for an agency very similar to the one who unfairly let me go by forcing me to "take a break" but then never letting me come back but this one pays better and having it go mostly well and breaking my dry spell of work again
-doing my red light therapy wand this morning
-drinking more water
-powerades
-my eyes looking healthier
-doing more journaling,writing exercises lately
-taking better care of my hygiene then last year
-p cat eating the cat grass i got him
-updating my style aesthetic
-my hair being more hydrated from changing the shampoo i use
-my injector offering me a discount for when im ready to get tear trough filler
-makeup
-looking so much younger than my age
-washing my winter coat
-getting my new donor process done at the place i used to go to so i can start going there again
-b cat wanting to cuddle with me earlier today on my lap and how nice that felt
-moisturizers
-looking a little skinnier than i used to
-listening to some new youtube audio/podcast things lately for brain food and learning that i've enjoyed and gotten good info from
-how beautiful my city is at night
-visualizing and imagining and daydreaming my new apartment the other night and how nice it felt, to also feel a little direction too towards it
-the colorful cat toys in the house and how funny and cute they are, they make me smile and laugh
-that i'm starting to sell more, get better at selling on poshmark than i used to
-manifesting a text from neighbor boy J after getting upset processing my feelings after court thinking about the kind of person i think he is then falling asleep and waking up to a strange text from him.i am over him. it really upset me how he was to me and that it made me question myself so much that how could someone seem so into me then seem completely not. It made me think lots of things that made me not like him
-deciding to use ambition and goals as my fuel as "revenge against the world" sort of mantra
-the neck botox i got and how much it improved my appearance and confidence
-having great style
-watching movies
-new ideas
-staying very eyes on the prize and focused
-talking with people and hearing their story
-music
-my maturity
-being put in the erp program in court, and not having another court date until next month
-reflection on things, seeing how things change and progress and so on
-having goals and things to strive for
-my humidifier arriving and i think making a difference in the air, my sinuses and skin
-having a nurturing heart
-joining credit repair programs in my determination to have good credit again
-great deals
-prayer
-cuteness
-being a kind person
-being smart
-being resourceful
-being productive
-this beautiful black cat and four leaf clover card i bought off etsy i got for my dad's birthday
-sending my dad my favorite book on serendipity for his birthday since he's been lowkey interested in the topic for years and i think he'd like it
-laughing because sometimes life is so insane it's funny
-marion helping me
-compassion
-hope
-the new brown duster sweater i got
-having a young voice
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Re: GRATITUDE LIST
-doing some creative writing and being in a bit of a poetic mood the last few days
-losing another pound, so being down the most i've been in 2 years now, 19 pounds down.
-standing up for myself
-being able to take care of myself
-powerades
-working some jobs this month
-my humidifier helping my nose bleeds go away and my skin get more hydrated and stop peeling, and allergies calm down
-hanging out with A
-realizing A and I did have a connection all this time that was kind of beautiful and remembering our first time meeting and all that
-really nice things A said when we had a fight and i told him it wasnt going to work because of several things, including my weight, the things he said about me self sabotaging etc
-processing A flaking on me a few days after our fight and letting him go, grieving it and forgiving him
-deciding to text A a get out of jail free card just to know nothing was wrong and to go back to normal telling him i didn't need an explanation and let's just go back to normal and he texted me right away and tried calling(i was on the other line)and he gave me what i asked for. Talking normal. A b.s excuse for flaking and acting like we were a few months ago.
-hud calling me back after praying a lot the other night
-prayer
-sedatives
-the pharmacy calling me today to switch my medicine in a format i can take
-neighbor boy i liked randomly texting me a few days after i hung out with A apologizing several times and wanting to see me
-compliments
-that people like my lips
-having a nice looking new work selfie i like
-makeup
-doing liquor work again which i like
-deepening my empathy and patience with P cat
-getting a new lamp to alter the lighting a little in my living room for my mood
-after my mediation turned out to be awful and not at all what i thought, finding out i was pre-approved for rental assistance back in august and just overlooked it
-my ex S contacting me the other day
-colors
-ordering chakra tea for the crown and trying it out the other day
-night skies
-sunshine
-propranol which helps me calm down
-being resourceful
-my allergies being better
-working consistently
-that S can provide me with a lease for the rental assistance since he is a landlord
-becoming open to letting more help in despite my pride such as S with bringing my stuff to storage possibly next week
-my ambition increasing a little
-moisturizers
-being in a new style and beauty aesthetic and over the blonde and other things i was doing
-buying my hyaluronic lip booster that i love finally
-staying somewhat calm and strong amidst the storm i'm in with the eviction and moving stuff going on and counting on prayer and being open to help from different places
-chivalry
-that i eat less calories these days
-paying my comed bill again this month, a small thing that is just another sign and showing of me rebuilding and really trying
-trying to raise my vibration and thinking differently
-trying to organize myself and what i have to do mentally
-packing a bag of stuff to go to storage
-clorox wipes
-utilizing the vacuum a few times recently and how great it was
-being friendly
-picking my battles
-my wisdom
-music
-blankets
-my savage side and my family history that gives me some savage blood
-my winter coat and how chic it is
-having great fashion sense
-looking young
-guys complimenting my lips a lot these days
-innovative options to stay looking young
-being really close to ready to do something with first career
-motivating myself and staying determined
-my beauty
-doing some more reading today of my book on hsp's
-having a loving heart
-becoming more into my feminine energy this year
-learning
-new goals
-evolving as a person
-newness
-my older friend J who's really been an angel this year
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Re: GRATITUDE LIST
-prayer
-that A from lcbh got me a lawyer so now i no longer have to go to court which is such a relief. It's one of the things i was hating the most. And it now frees up my energy to focus on getting out of here and getting my grant.
-A seeming really happy for me today, and even using words like "my babe" towards me and mwuahz which was cute and interesting and a little bit of a shift from the last few days now
-how cute it is when my cats go in their tunnel toys
-music
-my beauty
-looking like a model
-the compliments i get
-my gray winter coat and how sophisticated and chic it is
-cardigans
-leaving the house yesterday and the sun was out and getting a serotonin boost from it which brought me an insane amount of clarity and feeling of everything is going to be fine, it's do-able and not a misery catastrophe
-having nice lips
-taking the train home from the courthouse today and finding it which made me feel like an adult that is competent
-buying myself 2 monster cookies that M used to get me when i seen a corner bakery across the street from the courthouse for sake of recreating joy and memory
-my cica sleepmask
-my warm feelings for A
-working yesterday
-the people who provide free legal help. It's such a great service they are doing and seeing that little desk there besides the organization that's been helping me was really great
-getting in miles today that was a nice walk, which was nice. I haven't been walking much with all the stress and so i really appreciated that
-the cocoa butter body moisturizer i use which is really good
-makeup
-my eyes looking less puffy the other day at work
-having goals
-hanging out with A making realize i'm ready to go back to my creative pursuits
-viewing an apartment today which means i'm closer to getting an apartment than i was last spring
-getting a little more comfortable wearing a little less clothing, such as clothes that are fitted without super covering up
-seeing my body looking a little more trim in clothes
-getting a call back from ebt card about not redetermining in time and getting it reloading and attempting to call back to reach a person. Hearing on the automated line that it's processing at least, my late redetermination.
-calling to ask questions about bankruptcy today
-deciding my new hair color i'm transitioning to, which will be very coppery, ditching any blonde left in my hair and almost even having orange to it
-reflecting on more of what i want my glo up to entail and what it needs
-my hyaluronic acid lip booster
-eyebrow makeup that thickens and darkens eyebrows
-new ideas
-entertainment
-humor
-funny videos
-clean socks
-cleaning the kitchen floor yesterday
-all the free alcohol i've been getting
-making more money this month than i will last month
-sunshine
-doing a toning/strength training workout at home. A treat to myself to do something normal that i havent been able to do because i've been so busy with all the stressful stuff
-models
-fashion
-M giving me money to uber to the courthouse
-my therapy session over the phone the other day, i think it helped
-that my psychiatrist is considering putting me on adderall/vyvanse
-blankets
-sleep when i can get it
-exploring my sensuality a bit to give S the erotic picture of me he wanted. It was very difficult, and I was kind of upset in the way that i didn't want to talk to him after but he was very happy with the pictures and it was good to see myself in new ways
-opening myself up to new ideas
-my humidifier
-applying to a bunch of apartments to tour tonight
-watching a few movies a couple times this last week
-dental floss
-staying calm as i can with all the crazy
-that i can donate plasma today
-that i get paid this week,i believe
-ibuprofen
-baby aspirin
-sedatives
-really getting more into my feminine energy this year
-listening to gamma brain waves and remembering how beneficial those are
-listening to crown chakra music last night and root chakra
-colors
-beauty
-how beautiful my cats are
-the help that's been coming to me
-allowing myself to become new and to rebuild
-protein bars
-having a kind heart
-having had some wild and interesting life experiences
-connecting with others
-taking things one day at a time
-being resourceful
-my cats making me laugh at how cute, funny, and innocent they are.
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Re: GRATITUDE LIST
-baby wipes
-vacuuming and the vacuum
-having plenty of cat food in the house, and that p cat likes
-my new hair color, and the hair color era i'm in
-cleaning wipes
-getting my eyebrows threaded today
-realizing what caused my weight gain of 3 lbs, that i had gotten my period again after 5 days and also taking only half the weight loss med again for a few days
-doing a toning workout yesterday and being really sore from it today
-getting a sign that maybe A does still have interest in me yesterday. He asked what i was doing tommorow. I gave a response that might've sounded like a blow off or non interested and then today after i texted him again he said something that sounded like he was covering himself from when he flaked on me that weekend, or holding onto it. Or, i'm giving him mixed signals when i'm just trying to be myself and be friendly. it did seem like there was an energy shift. He seemed really happy for me the other day then i didn't text him for 3 or 4 days because i was busy and when i did he asked what i was doing tomorrow and seemed really same vibe happy then today like he was trying to cover why he flaked on me that weekend down to the timing.
-earning income again
-charcuterie boards
-my winter coat and how stylish it makes me look
-getting a coffee today because it felt good to do so, and noticing what a mood boost it was, it was like the equivalent of a happy pill
-feeling more attractive lately and getting more attention from the opposite sex
-fashion
-makeup
-my beauty
-sleep
-amping up my finessing skills
-getting a screenshot showing i have good credit
-blankets
-how sweet my cats are
-the love in my heart
-deep reflection
-prayer
-watching a movie
-art
-romance
-my first career
-my cool experiences i've had
-my cool stories i have to tell
-the cool and interesting people i've met and know
-cuteness
-how smart my cats are
-learning
-rebuilding my life little by little
-working on getting a refund tonight
-drinking a little wine with my charcuterie i ordered
-trying new things
-newness
-the breeze from having a window open
-desire
-hope
-my femininity
-propranol when i'm able to take it, which isn't often. it's very relaxing.
-being a kind person.
-being considerate
-getting a lint brush at the store the other day
-clean socks
-my lip sleeping mask
-taking better care of myself than i was 6 months ago
-doing written affirmations last night
-colors
-learning more about myself
-hair ties
-looking like a model
-ordering a four leaf clover crystal for much needed luck
-being wanted
-ordering an allergan gift card
-putting aside $50 in savings and using the expedited feature
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Re: GRATITUDE LIST
-A and I being back with each other, talking like we were with each other again. My intuitions seemed to have been right, and after giving just a little bit of space and being myself, we somehow came back to each other like we never left including an acknowledgement of it during one of our arguments since. Some of the same past issues still have come up including him rescheduling and canceling and me doing the same, and some arguments and me doing something that made me feel like the devil which he forgave me for which i thought was really mature and he really does seem to remember just about everything since we met having paid attention to me and has said directly several times he wants a long term relationship with me and has basically made a reservation on me so i'm going to give this a chance still despite how frustrated it's been and my uncertainties of compatibility,etc
-ordering food today that's like thanksgiving food such as potatoes, carrots, etc
-somehow manifesting the neighbor J back in the picture after a bad night when my friend said things that made me feel awful, A canceled on me because of an argument, etc. He randomly called me, and I randomly picked up which i usually don't do to people i don't know well and when i'm not expecting it. Then, I randomly decided to meet up with him, despite it being last minute and looking awful and not having makeup on and not even caring, and despite how we last left things, then let him in my kitchen despite how my place is and that rule i have for this place, and we hung out, i got really drunk, i ended up letting him in my place, the rest of it and we were very physical, he wasn't dangerous at all. It was just very embarrassing i let him see how disgusting my place is. We passed out next to each other, and i woke up with him next to me. There was some things i was annoyed about. But, he got in my place and my ex and A did not and will not. There's something there. He has a niceness to him i like and a brokenness i feel we share. That night is something i feel i'll remember, it was something kind of forbidden, like the kind that felt like the feeling of 2 people sneaking about, and the exiting and entering.
-ordering a black sweater dress last week so i have something here to wear for a date or to go out in that's not in storage
-that the agency i work for paid me so i'd get paid before the holiday and pays for set up and break down time
-changing up my look
-coffee and how it boosts my mood
-music
-J neighbor liking my coat a lot saying i'm really wearing that coat
-my sense of style
-earning more money than i did last month
-cleaning a little earlier
-rebuilding my life, and that i'm trying
-chivalry and when men help women and carry my stuff for me, etc
-my ex calling the grant people to try and fix what went wrong with it
-adapting to working more
-learning more with public transportation
-makeup
-how cute my cats are
-beta blockers and using those occasionally to calm myself down when things get nerve wrecking or i need to slow my blood pressure or heart rate down
-remembering little things to remind myself how real the law of attraction is
-holding one of my favorite stuffed animals when i got home after my awful day and panic attack that left me feeling suicidal and dazed and falling asleep early
-watching some good movies the last few days
-that my social life has increased a little bit the last few months
-doing 40 minutes of yin yoga last night
-how much my cat's liking their bed
-that my weight is going down even though it's much slower than it should be
-losing 2 of the 3 pounds i gained
-changing up my look
-deciding to see my ex S that I wasn't ready to see before since he will be helping me and is. He was a jerk in a lot of ways but not the one way i feared
-my ex S liking my chest a lot and giving them a lot of attention caressing them and kissing them, making out with them in his car
-trying to take my vitamins more often
-finding a better way to handwash my clothes for when i really have to
-my therapist finding another rental assistance program that she emailed me about and contacting them
-inspiration
-baby wipes
-the body lotion i use that's very hydrating
-my humidifier
-meeting new people
-having goals
-blankets
-learning new ways of doing things
-laughter and humor
-healing and becoming more coherent
-sunshine
-nightskies
-nice views
-my lawyer being about to file a motion to quash
-my creativity
-compliments
-being considered really attractive and interesting
-showering more often, wearing makeup more often and just taking better care of myself than this time last year
-new experiences
-kissing J
-watching P cat walk out of his tunnel it's so cute and funny seeing him use it to navigate the living room
-having had some cool and interesting life experiences
-how smart and intuitive my cats are, they jumped out of their playpen when i spaced out and didn't shut it right away and i suddenly seen them on the ground below the porch and scooped them both back up. It was insane and surreal. They knew not to stray too far i believe and just wanted to have their fun.
-great deals
-random little money blessings like money in my account that doesn't make sense or not getting charge for a bag of cat food, etc
-my older friend i became introduced to in 2022, he's been an angel to me
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Re: GRATITUDE LIST
-snacks
-powerades and vitamin waters
-A's voice
-A's possessiveness's and being dominant, I think it's cute
-how much my cats love cuddling on each other and the cute pics i get from it
-not gaining any weight from eating over thanksgiving
-music and how powerful it is for connecting and taking you away
-how much i connect with my cats and they connect with me
-sleep
-finding a practically unopen ginkgo biloba bottle in my kitchen cabinet which is just what would help me and seeing some help i think so far from trying it
-getting a refund in my account and using it to order cat food and pay off an uber
-feeling more rested and catching up on things
-watching movies
-working more these days and confirming another job yesterday
-how much this new agency seems to appreciate their workers. They made sure we got paid a day early so we got paid before the holiday, i got paid extra for some reason despite seeing the hours add up so maybe it was a holiday bonus, they offer parking pay, etc
-getting a chemical peel and how clean my skin looks since
-having nice curves
-my baby face youthful features
-my humidifier
-A wanting me in a relationship way and seeing me, treating me like that and how nice it feels to be wanted like that
-selling another item off poshmark
-four leaf clovers
-prayer
-love
-taking care of my cats
-taking things one day at a time
-creativity
-baby wipes
-taking out the garbage yesterday
-reaching my goals
-helpers
-hope
-being smart
-learning
-relearning
-inspiration
-compliments
-compassion and empathy
-fashion
-art
-getting closer to my goals, even if in a lot of ways it doesn't feel like it
-reflecting on things and what's important to me
-cleaning the toilet and deep cleaning the bathroom some
-cleaning the living room some
-topamax for that it is doing something when i take it with the right amount and with wellbutrin
-looking for reassurances to my past pics helping
-mobile editing apps to help me look better in pics
-hoodies and sweaters
-new ways of doing things
-knowing quiet clears things up and brings clarity to situations, unfogs them
-newness
-being a reasonable person
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Re: GRATITUDE LIST
-getting jelly roll botox to fix up my eyes
- the cost ending up being free for my botox yesterday
-S coming out to take my stuff to the storage unit yesterday and watching him grab my stuff for me, open the unit for me, etc
-the weather getting a little warmer today
-things smoothing out with my job
-touching up my hair color and punching it up, though i'm not sure how i feel about the color now that i have
-losing weight and back down to the 19 lbs lost
-my skin looking clean
-unity
-conversations with others
-powerades and that delicious feeling of drinking down a lot at once
-how cute my cats are
-playing with my cats
-gingko biloba
-people and research online and perspective concurring my thoughts that what i found out about A is really messed up and a dealbreaker
-doing yoga
-my ex L contacting me that he will be in town and wants to hang out and do a project together
-finding out my food card will be back to normal next month
-watching movies
-sunshine
-reapplying for the rental assistance
-having conviction
-having great style
-my beauty
-sleep
-my appetite being smaller
-prayer
-my philosophical side
-meeting cool people
-feeling a little less overwhelmed
-trying to stay calm
-trying to rebuild
-reflecting on manifesting
-moisturizers
-blankets
-giving my cats treats
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Re: GRATITUDE LIST
-officially ending it with A after realizing i couldn't reconcile my feelings on things with him, and J neighbor having had been contacting me everyday after i texted him after i had the big fight with A. We talked a little about the night and he had contacted me pretty much everyday since, calling me a lot, and spending time at my house several times and i just realized it was him i choose and the whole time i was wanting it to be him. We grew some bond a little, he makes me laugh, doesn't judge me, and doesn't put on all these expectations for me to have of him. He seems to have care for me, and has changed.
-beautiful pictures of my cats from the past
-taking my vitamins
-upping my wellbutrin dose to help me focus today after the doctor canceled on me last minute and rescheduled for spring. Taking an extra ativan for anxiety, half a hydrocodone and ibuprofen plus my weight loss meds and i had some lovely peaceful quiet in my mind tonight. It was very nice.
-sweaters
-drinking some gotu kola tea tonight
-eating a lot less lately
-my body looking slimmer in photos
-loving my cats
-reversing aging and seeing it in photo comparisons
-my new hair color
-yoga
-having a great chest that men find really attractive and women think is too
-being more productive today
-manifesting what i want
-working more again
-botox
-manifesting J back.
-ginkgo biloba
-good movies
-having great style
-my new liquid eyeliner and how easy it is to apply
-the therapy places i reach out to when i need to talk and that i go to that have really helped the last week or so
-drinking more water and hydrating myself
-my new vitamin c cream i've been using and how amazing it's been
-seeing l cat and how great it felt to do that
-helping others when i can
-how great it felt to lay in J neighbors arms when he laid in my bed the other night
-sleep
-sunshine
-lint rollers
-cleaning
-seeing my grant say submitted, waiting for match which is more than last time when it got denied. It just said submitted last time.
-my four leaf clover stone.
-makeup
-chemical peels
-healing
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Re: GRATITUDE LIST
wow. so much changes so fast.
-that i was starting to see J be happy for me, take accountability for things, show care, and be a real person and not just some ghetto idiot or mean person like i thought over the summer. he displayed someone that has an intelligence and empathy, and made effort. overall, after reflecting on things it became glaringly obvious he liked me more than A actually. He put way more effort to see me, from constantly making excuses to see me, the silliest excuses it was insane, and constantly calling me and forgetting stuff here that in the moment was confusing but looking back i think i'll find it very romantic and sexy. I never had someone act like that before.
-powerades and vitamin waters and trying to drink more water
-trying to force myself to have more energy and focus
-hitting 23 lbs lost now
-nami support with all my confusion when i didn't know what to do with between A vs J and then after J made me feel not so great
-court going well and getting more time bought
-getting smile line filler
-looking thinner in photos
-that i manifested J back
-my vitamin c peptide cream
-getting a lot more attention from the opposite sex again and compliments which is a boost to my confidence admittedly
-my arms looking smaller
-speaking up to J in my way about how he made me feel and that he can't use me and him taking accountability and apologizing and saying i have every right to feel that way, etc
-yoga
-art
-my hair color
-manifesting random checks and other money out of nowhere
-poetry
-having good luck
-having a caring heart
-kind people
-new ideas
-new experiences
-cuteness
-love
-changing the litter box
-that i can say i have improved my life since last year even if i have a long way's to go, i can see a lot of growth and feel a lot more like myself
-entertainment
-being a winner
-irish cream liquors
-the wave texture my hair sometimes has
-beta blockers
-giving my cats treats
-laughing at life
-lights that go off on how to improve things
-cleaning wipes
-baby wipes
-my older friend sending me a cash app gift
-being a respectful person
-thinking positive
-prayer
-being unique
-having great style
-being a prize
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Re: GRATITUDE LIST
-seeing J's name everywhere after i "chose" him, though i don't know what it meant. A few days later I had to speak up about something to him and tell him the issue, and he took accountability and said sorry but didn't say why or that he'd stop and we kind of ended after that. Which made me start wonder what was the point in choosing him. Then in frustration the other day i was thinking what was the point he's not speaking to me, why did i choose him, he's practically ghost again and i was looking through receipts and like beaming neon lights calling out to me, his name flashed at me again on one out of nowhere affirming to me for some reason the universe seems to be telling me I did choose right. That's the message i'm getting.
-ordering a jacket that was inspired by me paying homage to J's style a little that i think is cute and i need a new jacket
-calming down and uplifting myself a little after the last few days of sulking and anxiety after getting deceived then fired
-starting some new year's resolutions
-seeing how much my weight blimped up in like 10 days in pics despite not doing anything except stress really,and sulking in better for a few days and that it can go down just as quick and the power of how quick i can make things change for the better
-after getting so stressed at my cat for acting crazy right when i was sulking and stressed wacking the blinds constantly for the last few days, realizing i need to appreciate him more and just compromise and give him more play time.
-the adorable and funny dirty look i caught b cat give me when he didn't get his when i got mad about the blinds when he was wacking them so i'd play with his chaser toy
-actually not getting charged a late fee for my storage unit for once
-my four leaf clover stone and the good luck it brings me
-getting smile line filler recently
-that for some reason guys seem to find me really attractive and i get a lot of attention from the opposite sex even when i'm super covered up, no makeup, and not showered.
-good movies
-music and the power it has
-ordering a lamp to improve the mood here
-catching J seeming to watch me recently when a neighbor randomly started talking to me when i was on the porch and nervously babbling and asked to sit by me. I thought J was at work and 10 minutes into this encounter his light suddenly goes on. I was laughing a lot sounding bubbly, probably flirty, but that's just how i am when i'm nervous and this guy was definitely trying to hit me up and J was trying to tell me something. I almost thought he was going to come out and say something. it was cute and flattering.
-going out to meet a friend dj-ing recently. I really needed to get out and have some kind of night out. I was losing my head. I got dressed up, wore my gucci bag and gucci belt, it was nice to be at a nice place and have drinks and just be out. Plus, J had said something before about "i need to socialize more" or something not getting or forgetting that i told him i withdrew from everyone and everything the last year and a half due to my health issues and weight gain. It's not like i'm not someone who hasn't had a full, thriving social life or knows many people so it felt good to kind of show him that because i tagged a pic of my outing on social media.
-J saying happy new year, the first text since we "ended" which was something at least
-telling J the rest of how i felt about things a few days before the new years text figuring it seemed like he might be ghosting me again, i may as well get closure and say the rest of how i felt about things with how he made feel that wasn't so great. It may have made him feel not so great but it needed to be said i think.
-meeting my goals
-that i actually did make a lot of progress last year, despite falling short of some things and having some things well fail
-fashion
-how wanted J made me feel. All the crazy excuses he made to see me, the calls, leaving his stuff here. The time we spent together.
-that i manifested J back. It kinda surprised me i did. I didn't think i even wanted to so much, or would and it just surprised me and happened like nothing but as a surprise too. At this point, in a way i feel like it's over, but in a way i feel like it'll never be over and i am just curious how our connection will further. and hope for some things but know i have to let go and move on now too because he drives me so crazy and if he's not talking to me then i can't be thinking about him except in designated time i maybe let myself at most
-how cute my cats are
-how much my cats love each other and that we are a family
-getting all my recaps done last night and this morning and closing off everything with that marketing agency
-getting paid a big check, which shows me again, i can do it, i can make good money. i did it before, it's not that hard.
-stretches
-that my food card is almost reloaded
-getting better at finessing
-my pca skin face wash
-inspirational videos
-hair ties
-my older friend J sending me a cash app the other day to cheer me up
-a girl i met at a job in october sending me a link to an app for work
-another friend sending me a link to something she did before that was hiring or might be
-my sense of style
-moving the bed to change the energy in my place
-clearing out a section of the living room to declutter/ empty it recently
-moisturizers
-having a caring heart
-being able to process things once things get a little quiet or i get out of my head a little
-finding some older pictures from work that are really cool that i dont remember seeing before
-realizing i want to open myself up to earning more money and feeling like i can
-my silver colored rain boots
-beauty
-art
-my femininity
-my desires
-inspiration
-the church stairs i like to sit at
-newness
-that i've evolved away from some of the bad from last year and year before
-being awoken to new things that excite me
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Re: GRATITUDE LIST
-feeling uplifted since letting A friend out of my life
-realizing after getting fired i need to stop lowballing myself with how much i'm getting paid and that i spent too much on transportation
-going to visit my feral cats
-taking b cat to the vet
-b cat and p cat doing so well at the vet. they were like perfect angels. So well behaved. didnt fuss or whine or squirm. Just let the nurse do their thing and sat there the whole time. It was amazing. No one would believe they ever cause trouble. It was like they were given weed or chill pills. It made me feel like a very proud cat mom.
-that B cat was pretty healthy and the visit went well and deciding to do the xray
-accomplishing some of my new year's goals already
-M getting back to me about the cats and the heat
-getting my tear trough filler finally which made me feel good
-manifesting an amazing deal on my tear trough filler which by the time i paid made it about half the price as a random surprise and my injector said i'm family
-my four leaf clover stone and the good luck it brings me
-prayer
-getting a big check the other week
-getting a random extra the next week which a nice extra manifestation
-having a caring heart
-deciding to go back to brunette
-after going no contact, after 6 days J contacting me like nothing and having a normal conversation with me sunday and asking if i'd be home later, which it seemed to be to fix things
-sweaters
-beautiful photos of myself from the days of my first career
-confirming a photo shoot and feeling ready to do it and like it'd be good for me
-ordering a 3rd lamp after not being able to put together the first 2 and getting refunded for them and this one will be a charm because it's already installed and is cool tube light, glow stick style. It costs more but it'll be worth and has a cool art gallery style look
-browsing the chanel store to look at wallets recently
-working on my new year's resolutions and reflecting on the last year
-after asking the universe for another sign, manifesting about 2 days later going through my email and understanding what my lawyer had sent me. It was indeed a paper to sign that means me staying at my apartment. Because of my recent circumstances it made the most sense now. Something keeps me tied here connecting to J longer as if i need to solidify more before i can move. It's strange but then after last night, it's confusing. Maybe it's all playing out the way it's supposed to though and this thing that happened last night is part of it. Hopefully it brings us closer because right now i'm hurt, and scared.
-baby wipes
-ordering a food puzzle for my cat after a suggestion from the vet
-that at least with the the new option of staying here i won't have to rely on my ex's help
-how hard my lawyer has been working for me
-makeup
-my dior balm tint in ultra pink
-sleep
-updating my resume last night
-cleaning the house last night
-doing ok at applying to jobs the last few days trying to find a new career or even get something in my current field
-ordering a new going out dress recently
-my cica sleeping mask
-my fresh sleeping scrub
-yoga
-my body looking a little slimmer the last few days
-watching a few movies on starz and hbo the last week or so
-my friend getting the gift i got him
-fashion
-getting a shade up on the other window
-showering
-M sending me money
-people thinking i have a baby face
-listing more items on poshmark
-posting more pics on instagram
-reassurances
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Re: GRATITUDE LIST
-after spiraling from J randomly having what seemed to me a random paranoid freakout and disappearing on me in the midist of us about to meet at the door triggering my ptsd and just not being himself, finally processing that's what it was all week making me feel strange. That he triggered my ptsd and grounding myself and that i have to let it go. I don't understand completely. It left me sort of shattered after initially having some hunches with my confusion just being entirely confused and now i have to let it go and since then my clarity has started to come back and my mind fogginess started to go away. It got a little scary. I started to get a little lost at the end there. I was crying in bed scared one day, accusing people of random things, including him. People were being minimal with me in response and confused and i just felt off and by then i felt like i was losing control of my mind a little. I had to take medication and talk to a professional for a little bit. I don't know why that had such an effect on me what he did but it really did something to me, but i have my mind back, and i'm feeling like myself again so i'm thankful because i hated how weird things felt. It was like something cast a spell on me or i took a pill that made me feel disassociated and paranoid and just weird. i was embarrassed
-gin gins to ease my stomach uneasiness
-drinking water to hydrate and feel better
-prayer
-M giving me money
-nami to talk to which helps sometimes
-an old work contact reaching out who wants to work together again who's moving back here and connect and even go to dinner which felt talk to talk to
-that i confirmed a job for next weekend
-that i'm starting to get back into my old career pursuits a little bit
-settling into new decisions a little bit and forging a new path for myself a bit
-sleep
-sweaters
-the beauty of quiet
-music
-the beauty in expressing my vulnerability and realizing it's not something i have to be ashamed of
-my femininity
-having a loving, caring heart
-having interests
-having creativity
-having accomplished and done cool things
-being brunette again and liking how that looks on me
-filler
-people considering me beautiful
-baby wipes
-ordering some new lingerie
-sweet memories i cherish with J and that he did allow me to feel he was the one i wanted to be vulnerable with, and he was the one that broke down barriers other didnt. He was the one i wanted to give me heart to
-beauty products
-the food puzzle for my cats coming and that they seem to like it
-blankets
-art
-the cold freeze being about to end
-physical exercise
-reflecting on the changes i made last year and new goals for this year
-good movies
-newness
-choosing to believe in what i want for my reality and affirming
-having really pretty hair
-having nice lips
-compliments
-inspiration
-feeling determined to change my life this year
-sending in job applications for new careers
-cleaning wipes
-putting the bed back where it was
-cuteness
-cutting people out of my life who are judgemental
-feeling my vibe uplifted since letting go of some things
-when i manifest good things
-laughing and humor
-feeling clear on what i want with some things
-believing in bigger things for myself again
-daylight
-getting better at no contact
-chakra balancing
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Re: GRATITUDE LIST
-working a cute little event that was new experience to have fun with attending
-the cold freeze being over
-the beauty of foggy weather
-cherry italian ice
-manifesting J texting me back like i knew he would.Then even seeing him so my fears were for nothing. Unfortunately now we aren't speaking again because he was off the cocaine and is a different him but wasn't exactly ready to break the stalemate we had, seems to be using me, had some snapchat call him in the midst of a physical act i was doing, was mean to me twice after i seen him about people being in "our" business and that it shouldn't have happened in the first place, etc, etc then getting mad that i asked about the call that happened so i decided i need to let go of him because the not kissing thing is only an emotional control abuse thing and he clearly doesn't care about me plus his meanness repulsed me-ok so J did seem like he was about to start kissing me when i seen him and when we talked about it that he would but then i said i don't want him to if he doesn't want to which he then said oh good or something because he doesn't want to which was awful and i don't buy it because he did kiss me for hours the first few times we hung out. He had then said he's an awful person and he should just go which was annoying and he ended up getting his way but he almost was about to give me what i wanted but i talked too much i think about it.
-there was some signs i think of growing feelings. He had said before when i first had him in my house and we started getting more physical that weren't going to do the baby, babe, etc thing when i started calling him baby and i went to go check the time on my phone and could have sworn i heard him say go check your phone babe so i think he's slipping on his rules. I think he's also just confused. a certain funny thing sexually happened and i was laughing after, it was so funny to me and i caught him he was just staring at me. Maybe he was angry and it was a power thing or maybe he was ..something else but i never seen him look at me for that long before. He was just watching me as i kept laughing and saying i'm sorry. I know he watches my expressions a little bit, i'll see his face change and his responses to things change based on my instant face expressions but this time he was just staring at me.I think I would have noticed if it was anger. Then, we brought up my crazy texts and i kissed him on the cheek and said yes but he accepts them because he cares about me or something like that and he said yes and that we all have crazy moments it was cute. I know in my heart of hearts he's a good person and has some care for me. I think he just has a lot of "masculine, machismo" conditioning from society and some other issues like from his ex, childhood, etc.
-that he was off cocaine was a pleasant surprise. I pray for his health. Though only alcoholic him is different. More short fused. More masculine energized even and he's already very masculine energized.Possibly better groomed. Some other stuff too i won't get into, of a sexual nature. etc.
-a ganesha mantra i've been using
-my four leaf clover stone
-new selfie for social media
-getting a referral for a job
-my friend saying i look a lot thinner and that i look expensive
-when i'm in a giggly mood. it's nice and fun.
-getting a lightbulb in the ceiling lamp and how much it boosted my mood that brighter, better light
-having doordash credits to order cat food and food for myself tonight
-having a health immune system
-how beautiful my cats are
-manifesting my desires
-that somehow for some reason J thinks i'm really sexy and attractive
-cleaning wipes
-showering
-my new hair color
-affirmations
-my older friend J
-my friend R
-fashion
-prayer
-my little humidifier
-entertainment
-meeting new people
-determination
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Re: GRATITUDE LIST
-realizing that i don't think J was off cocaine actually, that he just has been messing with someone new and processing that he just is not that into me. At least not anymore. It hurts.That I have to let him go. But all the combination of things. And, even if i am wrong on some things which i'm sure i am, enough of what i am seeing is he's not that into me to be behaving how he is.
-being able to reflect and see there was something to me on how i said something to him with how i asked a question and reflecting a little on what he said to me after chakra balancing my throat
-processing my feeling in general about J that i do like him a lot, feel in love with him and that this is hard. i sent a long text telling him how i feel. I thought about how he lied about being a friend, so on and so on.Reflecting on why i liked and why i felt drawn to him. I told him during that week i was going to have sex with a neighbor who tried talking to me a month ago on the porch because it'd be nice to get you know what without the games. Then, a few days later even left a gift for him to give to to the girl who called him on snapchat(a red thread bracelet i considered giving him in december) and a bottle of sauvignon blanc to bring over to her and some random stuff like magnets and things i had laying around that are merch for him.
-the neighbor being able to get ahold of him and him knocking on my door and exchanging numbers but unfortunately he is a total creep to which i ended up complaining to J saying i hope he's happy. Within 24 hrs this happens! Weird. It's like J has a super natural power. also this other thing.
-a miracle happened. A total weight off my shoulders. something that just does not happen. my court dates were....stricken. prayer works. Now i have until the end of april for my right to cure to go through. This is wow. I went to open the email from my lawyer worried expecting something annoying and my mind was blown. I still have questions and court costs are a little higher than i thought but all that time and how much different my life will be by then, it's do-able. Wow. and, also could almost seem like J is trying to keep me here too. but especially that i tell him i'm going to have sex with another guy and within 24 hrs of having the number the guy says the weirdest stuff that you would just not expect and he seemed very normal and i feel like this happens a lot with J, like somehow i stay tied to him or things falter in his favor. I was just starting to think hmm maybe i could get into being ok with hanging out with this guy, move forward and he says the one thing that would be a dealbreaker and repulsive to me and that is just odd that isn't something a normal person would say and he had seemed so normal. It was practically supernatural.
-kali mantras i've rediscovered and learning more about her and how much i resonate with her and how powerful her mantras make me feel
-trying to hydrate myself more
-sunshine
-fashion
-ordering treats for my cats
-how beautiful my cats are
-the ganesha mantras ive been using as well
-doing some more reading of the book i'm still on
-newness
-going for a walk this morning
-using my vitamin c face cream
-my burberry sunglasses
-M being nicer to me again
-finally getting my time of the month
-ordering myself a coffee maker to help me be healthier(drink less soda), and be more on a routine like i used to be(start my day with a cup of coffee) in a sunshine-y yellow color
-my little amber stone i got recently. I like the color
-music
-taking an immunity wellness shot
-reflecting on how i manifested things before
-ordering a burger king impossible burger last night
-my new hair color. even though it's kind of back to my natural hair color, it's actually a little lighter still which i kinda like, so it's still kind of different and interesting.
-not having a late fee on my storage unit
-feeling ready for fun, new experiences and to celebrate and grow
-being glad J made it to the new year with me
-cleaning the bathroom floor last night
-cleaning the cat tunnel last night
-paying attention to the unspoken and spiritual matters
-feeling like i'm getting better at manifesting
-trying to be productive
-finishing my trainings
-the weight off my back now with the court and housing stuff
-remembering my roots and trying to go back to them
-my femininity
-trying to create a better life for myself
-the people at nami helping through a difficult time lately
-my stylish coat
-sleep
-nice things to think about
-goals
-people that can be blunt with me when i need it
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Re: GRATITUDE LIST
-J tried to fix things with me. He suddenly called me and texted seemed very insistent, wanted to talk, said he didn't care that i didn't shower that i could shower after he didnt want to do anything and it seemed like he actually cared like my last texts before that actually got to him. He didn't talk about what i thought we'd talk about nor was it some romantic outpouring but that he seemed to really want to talk like that, that seemed like care. I think he cares. It might be the first time i seen that. And, i think i finally don't think he sees me as a whore and i got some clarity on other things so we somewhat amended and one thing is for sure we are growing closer. I feel it each time we see each other. It feels like cupid arrows being shot in us. Like, one day we were strangers i thought he was an idiot he probably thought oh, random girl let me try and get her number then it turned into attraction then later some feelings and i feel we are both growing on each other in different ways. in a friendship way, too. or like we are in a relationship. something is deepening, the way we talk to each other. We are starting to lose some of the early awkwardness. I think we are falling in love with each other. He may not be showing it at all, but i think we are starting to mutually realize something about our connection. He only started treated me worse since the new year started but, in a way i feel closer too, i am sensing slight having trouble saying certain things.
-he also happened to contact me after he said he got clarity from doing mushrooms. i am not sure if he noticed the connect with that. seeing things like that
-he contradicts himself too.he doesnt want to give affection but will say he misses me and then give nicknames, we are cuddling then he'll say we can't cuddle.
-deciding i dont want to kiss him anymore. After how he's been i'm over it. Why would i want to kiss someone who doesn't want to kiss me?
-getting a surprise flower delivery yesterday
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Re: GRATITUDE LIST
-J tried to fix things with me. He suddenly called me and texted seemed very insistent, wanted to talk, said he didn't care that i didn't shower that i could shower after he didnt want to do anything and it seemed like he actually cared like my last texts before that actually got to him. He didn't talk about what i thought we'd talk about nor was it some romantic outpouring but that he seemed to really want to talk like that, that seemed like care. I think he cares. It might be the first time i seen that. And, i think i finally don't think he sees me as a whore and i got some clarity on other things so we somewhat amended and one thing is for sure we are growing closer. I feel it each time we see each other. It feels like cupid arrows being shot in us. Like, one day we were strangers i thought he was an idiot he probably thought oh, random girl let me try and get her number then it turned into attraction then later some feelings and i feel we are both growing on each other in different ways. in a friendship way, too. or like we are in a relationship. something is deepening, the way we talk to each other. We are starting to lose some of the early awkwardness. I think we are falling in love with each other. He may not be showing it at all, but i think we are starting to mutually realize something about our connection. He only started treated me worse since the new year started but, in a way i feel closer too, i am sensing slight having trouble saying certain things.
-back to thinking J is off cocaine again
-the beauty of flowers
-realizing the power of humidity and dryness and how the dryness has really affected my skin making it look so bad but that i can reverse it and starting to get and stay consistent with hydration therapies like humidifier, drinking more water, etc. I'm now more convinced that humidity and moisture is more important than anything with anti-aging
-getting a surprise flower delivery for valentines day
-fashion
-people who speak my vibe online
-hugging and baby talking to my cats
-clean clothes
-getting responses from hud that seem like they will help my case a lot
-how powerful my hindu mantras have been. my kali mantra's, ganesha, and kamadeva all showed results within a day or 2
-chakra balancing
-drinking water
-touching up my hair color
-signs he cares like asking what did i eat today and interrogating me for some reason about my upcoming job and i had no idea why it was so random i asked did he want to know the name of the person because i didn't know what he was trying to loo for and i was asking somewhat sarcastically and then it seemed like he was just wanting to know more about what was going on, from a protective place like making sure i was being safe and not going into something dangerous. I think he almost or was about to ask how did i get the job or something implying to make sure it wasn't like with some weirdo it was interesting maybe he heard what i do is dangerous and has some misguided ideas. i'd be offended that he doesn't understand i'm a professional and very experienced in what i do but was so thrown off by actual potential care it was interesting
-ordering a bow hair tie
-getting all these signs and clear knowing feeling i'm supposed to be with J
-how cute and loving my cats are
-looking at a pic from a recent job and realizing wow, i look a lot thinner almost my old weight and i didnt do anything in the last few weeks
-red light therapy and how beneficial it is to my skin
-music
-manifesting my desires
-increasing my power
-selling my jacket off poshmark
-newness
-new opportunities
-my determination
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Re: GRATITUDE LIST
-ending things with J. He hurt me, it was the last straw. I don't know what happened but he said in a text he's not my baby and i told him don't talk to me anymore. he can't keep taking everything away, and being mean to me. This was after it seemed like he was checking on me earlier because i told him other neighbor texted me, and the day after i told i never wanted a relationship with him, and after a few times he tried to see me since the last time but it couldn't happen because of outside circumstances. And, i didn't answer my texts right away because i was asleep so maybe that, too contributed and i told him he was turning our connection platonic that day prior. I ended it, it was on my initiation, i couldn't do it anymore. Im glad i set my boundary again. I was crying and physically ill the next day about ill though.
-that i tried to visit l cat before he passed and am mostly at peace with his passing and that it seemed like J i think tried to be there for me. He was the first one texting. It could have been for selfish reasons,i can't know for sure but he was the first who texted and he kept asking to see me.
-moisturizing skin creams
-cleaning wipes
-how stylish my new bomber jacket is that i ordered last month inspired by the jacket J left at my house the first time i let him in
-my new clover pillow i got in the mail
-moments where i swear it seems like J cared for me, had something that seemed like love there for me and wasn't just a drunken, stoic, selfish jerk
-my humidifier
-sunshine
-wisdom i hear/learn from others
-that i tried with my last job, even though it didn't go so great. I self sabotaged and ended up with half my hours from missing due to anxiety. I don't know what is wrong with me. At least i tried
-cuteness
-learning new skills
-my resourcefulness
-kindness from others
-my gratitude for the little things
-hot guys
-learning a new direction thing, the bus from one place to a train stop and taking it which felt nice that i accomplished that
-craving healthier, cleaner foods
-starting a vitamin e supplement
-seeing the results of my hydration, glowy skin work and how impressive it was. still a lot more to go, but very happy so far and glad to see some reversing being done and the difference and that there's a term called "dehydration lines" vs wrinkles which is reassuring
-face mists
-showering
-getting some sunshine and getting rid of sun anxiety
-my right to cure grant getting approved
-manifesting my desires
-reflection
-drinking water
-being smart
-my knowledge
-my sense of style
-the other neighbor coming back into the picture when he did
-almond milk
-doing my hud interview and the interviewer being really friendly and helpful
-prayer
-my hindu god mantras
-laughing
-how funny my cats can be funny sometimes
-watching a movie sometimes
-new experiences
-being a kind person
-going to my storage unit and grabbing a table and some hangers out and putting a bag of stuff in
-bananas
-newness
-manifesting a $1000 outfit on my doorstep that doesn't fit me so i have no use for it but to sell it
-compliments and people finding me attractive
-inspiration
-cosmetic injectables
-red light therapy
-being aware of my desires, new desires which will bring me closer to peace and what i want next in my reality
-drinking water
-music
-knowing what i want with some things
-the power of writing things down
-learning
-finding a new eyebrow threading place that knows what they're doing and doesn't make them too thin that is local in my area
-spirituality
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Re: GRATITUDE LIST
-ending things with J. It was the last straw
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Re: GRATITUDE LIST
Things just suddenly got so crazy. I don't know what happened.
-ordering and having a 2nd humidifier arrive since this dry skin issue is really a big issue and problematic
-fixing my internet connection the other day
-nami ubering me out there and hoke when I wasn't doing well and was planning on ending my life. They helped calibrate me for almost 24 hours at least.
-my new bed I ordered arriving. It's bigger than I expected and takes up a lot of room. It's very comfortable and makes the vibe cozy but that it takes up so much room is another reminder I need out of here soon. How do the other tenants manage here in the studios?
-my spiritual crises lighting a fire under me
-my vitamin c moisturizer
-clean laundry and getting laundry done last night
-J coming back to me again. I still love him even though as recently as last night I was reflecting on how I feel like our connection is becoming more platonic and it's making me sad. Then this morning I suddenly felt a shift to loving feelings towards him and wanted to say loving things but didn't. He reached out 3 days ago with an excuse and we've been on and off talking since and he's been flirting and there's been some snapping then apologizing on my end. All this time, I feel like we've developed a connection as real people. Not just strangers. I feel like we feel more familiar to each other now and there's a little thicker of a bond, a little care there that grew from everything on his end. I've seen him change from day 1 to now. From an idiot, to a guy, to someone who ghosted me to a guy who really wanted me sexually to someone who had grew to have some care for me. From wanting to exchange numbers as neighbors to wanting romance to ghosting to reconciling to going crazy for me but wanting a mostly sexual connection to reconnecting and having some care as a human. I just don't think he sees me as only. I wish things had flowed more but I'm glad I still have him.
-my wide leg pants coming. They make me feel very stylish
-my sense of style
-music
-humor and laughing at things
-desire
-inspiration
-random kindness from others
-trying to be ok with V not talking to me since I was trying to cut her out first and it's actually mutual whyever she's stopped texting me
-movies
-having a connection with J and when he texts me
-finally getting my prescription for vyvanse. Just waiting on insurance details to have it finally in my hands
-my creativity
-trying to stay calm, positive, and determined
-my accomplishments
-cleaning wipes
-baby wipes
-knowing I create my reality and can win and switch things
-finding things to be grateful for
-hope
-my pink sculptural table
-deciding to get off topamax and having a plan to and seeing how negative it's been
-drinking water
-pierogi for lunch
-how cute my cats are
-my femininity
-being considered very attractive and high end
-my child like side
-being smart
-being kind
-the smell of rain
-colors
-peaceful storms
-m responding to me
-my hud charge almost being sent to investigation
-smell of cedarwood essential oil
-how attractive J is
-my food card being reloaded
-my resourcefulness
-reflection
-prayer
-asking for forgiveness
-trying to be open to newness
-my older friend J talking to me more
-almond milks and trail milks seeming to make my eyes work better
-trying to believe in a better reality
-doing written affirmations the other day
-showering
-four leaf clovers
-self compassion
-compassion for others
-nice pictures of myself
-being introduced to my older friend J in 2022 and having him
-being introduced to J last year and having him
-the photographer still wanting to shoot
-new ideas
-learning new things
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Re: GRATITUDE LIST
-getting the bulk of my money to cure. phew.
-vitamin waters and powerades
-despite being broke to do Botox and buy more makeup and being stressed, feeling more like i'm more attractive lately
-four leaf clovers
-wearing my four leaf clover bracelets lately and reattaching my four leaf clover keychain to my keys
-J seeming to care when I was having a breakdown and drunk and sent mean texts. He texted back sooner than usual while he was at work which he doesn't do and wanted to see me. He didn't judge me for being mean
-the on and off of J and I trying to see each other even though it still didn't happen unfortunately
-J being cute in how he reveals himself sometimes in his rudeness, it kinda shows he's trying to hide his real feelings in a very juvenile way
-the kind people who donated to my gofundme
-when p cat lays under the blanket with me
-accepting a date at the last minute with a guy who was offering me all the things of not having to pay rent, giving me shopping money, etc etc if I lived with him or was his gf. I decided why not go to lunch and when I said I needed to get cat food first he offered to take me to the store so went to the store and he let me get whatever I wanted his treat so I got two boxes of the smaller cat food they like, a bag of kibble, cat treats, Clorox wipes and Pedialyte because he thought it'd help my dehydration. We then went to dinner which was ok. I enjoyed the wine and bruschetta. Wasn't crazy about my lasagna. Then went to a dispensary and the lake and let him kiss me a little. The lake was nice. He wasn't too bad. He kept saying how lucky he was I went out with him and that I was there and called me baby girl and baby a lot. Said i'd never have to worry about cat food. It was nice getting out and feeling treated special.
-deciding once I got home from my date to still keep my plans to meet with the photographer since I already was ready and didn't want to make him wait again since I kept canceling days so he agreed to still meet and ubered me there to the Irish pub I had ordered food from before. It wasn't too bad. He didn't think I looked bad. I ordered a fun green cocktail with baileys. Then had a few more and he ubered me home. It was nice to socialize after having been going through so much stress and barely being social these days. It was nice feeling normal amongst the chaos. It felt like I was getting my life back. Thinner me, going on a date, being provided for, meeting a work contact, having drinks, going to the lake and having weed. It was a full day for me.
-again getting signs about J that he's mine in a big way. The song I strongly associate with him came on during dinner on my date. Then, sure enough after our date, this guy wanted to see me. All went well. He randomly got upset by something small that wasn't my fault and in mid Convo just started ignoring me.This doesn't happen. Another guy out of the picture since meeting J. I'm surprised I even was able to go on the date but ever since I met him guys end up out of the picture very quickly either by doing something random and weird that repulses me or they just randomly lose interest. I've even had guys who were friends leave my life permanently. It's almost spooky.
-The hud intake interview lady requesting a tro for me and filling out the questions for that and sending in my edits for the interview I did with her
-my feminine energy
-being considered beautiful and a prize, a bit of a showpiece
-new inspiration
-yoga
-walking
-my new wide leg pants
-my converse sneakers
-J is upset with me right now, I can feel it. I practically bribed him with the thing he's been wanting and threw myself at him and he suddenly didn't want it. In the moment he did, but then shortly after I haven't heard from him. He wouldn't just reject that. And he hasn't responded to any of my texts. I told him about my date the night before. I'm thinking now he's upset with me about that. Before I thought he was involved in something else that scared me, but now I think I was just paranoid. But,I think this shows it's not just using me for sex.It's really weird.
-having a random song come to me that I played and the lyrics and vibe were exactly the emotion and words and vibe I felt like he could be feeling or was feeling or a song he was listening to about me. It was strange. My psychic connection feels a little more on lately.
-remembering my dream I had just now of J where he changed his social media to the name of my ex who hung himself and had a wilted rose emoji in the bio.
-m's husband coming by to unclog my shower drain
-dreaming someone unclogged my shower drain the morning of
-sunshine
-sunsets
-ordering groceries off Amazon the other night
-finally ordering my astaxanthin vitamins recently
-ganesha mantras
-finding a Ganesha sound I can play while laying down or doing other things
-sleep and sleeping so deep lately
-sweaters
-mopping and cleaning the back of the kitchen floor the other day
-doing my written affirmations
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Re: GRATITUDE LIST
Things have been very spooky and uncomfortable. A lot has changed and I just am waiting for things to feel normal asap.
-court case dismissed today. I won.court record will be sealed. And resolved and now closed.
-that im a winner and tend to win things.
-getting a pedicure today to treat myself for my win and do something for my beauty since I've been feeling very unattractive the last few weeks
-darkening my hair color a little more the other day
-staying strong in m not hearing from her in over a week now and her phone seeming to be on do not disturb. Her husband not answering my texts or calls either. It's very hard on me what is going on.he had just came to fix the shower and said he'd come back in a day to drop off something for it. It's weird. J disappeared in the middle of nowhere too. I was patient until I realized no this isn't cool. He knows better by now how much it hurt me when he ghosted me before. I thought we grew better than that. It was in the middle of me throwing myself at him after i had a dream that he might be hurt or in pain. It was weird. And after I told him about my date and accused him of his friends following me. One suspicious timing and one that seems like he was hurt by me. I felt energy come from me a few days later, waves of sadness like I wanted to cry. After that I wasn't feeling his energy really. It freaked me out. It felt like he wasn't here. I think I started to feel him again a little since a few days ago.i also asked for a sign from him and nothing. Things kept happening as if saying I'm not meant to be with him now. I was suddenly having obstacle after obstacle with my court case and staying here. But I recently started getting signs. Hearing thunder right after I think of him and some stuff in YouTube videos that pop out buti can't remember if they count as a sign. I think I do but I don't remember what they were.
-getting signs from J and having a strong telepathic connection to him. That has to mean something.
-figuring out who I think was trolling me by finding a profile of mine and saying strange thing s like they are angry and want me punished.
-loving my cats and how sweet and beautiful they are
-colors
-my lavender Marc jacobs bag
-finding out that j didn't lie about his name the whole time. I looked at a pic I screenshotnof him and overlooked before hid birthday cake in a pic says that name on it
-the cat tunnel my cats play in
-drinking water
-using Aloe Vera as a beauty product and it going well so far
-sleep
-the weight off my shoulders from court bring dismissed
-my strength. I did what I had to do and it was soul crushing but I had no choice.
-the helpful people at the pawn shops and pawn shops in general since they gave someone like me a way to get a loan.
-doing my ganesha mantras
-my dad helping me out with a little money to get me through
-an angel friend venmo-ing me money when I needed it a week ago
-some good news at least to make me feel better
-finally getting an adderall prescription
-blankets
-moisturizers
-being able to order toner
-powerades
-candy
-trying to stay strong
-getting an insane glimpse into a possible future for me. I was watching psychic videos and one called out to me. It described a situation of mine with an ex I thought I hated and would never let back in my life. It was too eerie, the details. It showed ex j from a few years ago wanting to come into my life and that he's getting a divorce and there was more details. The things said were so specific, it was no coincidence. I then couldn't help but get curious and they do seem like they are going thru something of a divorce. Every video she had with him and pic completely gone. A tweet that exposed some info. It was insane. So, he might be coming back to me if this info is real and I can't help but think it is. Too many things. Another one said very specific similar things down to a not common phrase I used during the situation it was like it called out to me to verify yes, this is for you. Maybe he is just what I need and the one who would fix a lot of issues in my life.
And that he would forgive me for my side of things. I didn't think ever but it said he was seeing things differently now and seeing my side of things.
-prayer
-determination
-nami crisis line for helping me when I need it
-baby wipes
-my new four leaf clover notebook
-astaxanthin supplement I ordered recently
-the stalker text thing finally giving me some info
-my skin dryness healing
-my eye sight feeling better after quitting topamax
-feeling less depressed and less bogged down since quitting topamax
-makeup
-my femininity
-my sense of style
-buying my cats treats yesterday as a treat for resolving my court stress
-my pink sculptural table
-being creative and resourceful
-music
-looking at my ex's pic on my phone and it soothing me, making me feel stronger
-things slowly starting to feel a little more normal and like they'll resolve and get grounded
-laughing
-finding J's possessiveness kind of cute
-socks
-ordering new headphones because the ones I've been using are just too broken
-being able to reflect to try and understand my reality
-hope
-kind and friendly people
-getting congratulations on my court win
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Re: GRATITUDE LIST
-deciding to believe the bad happening right now is leading me to what I want
-coffee cakes
-finally donating plasma again, a small first step of doing little things in between getting jobs again and making sure i'm getting money. It felt good to suddenly feel that increase in ease
-my weight check since December and officially having lost 31 lbs now, half the weight I want to lose. Very proud of myself
-feeling like i'm clearing dark energy that's been sent to me over the last few years by people
-drinking water
-staying calm-ish during these very turbulent times
-aloe vera
-my skin becoming more hydrated
-astaxanthin supplement
-someone in their car calling me beautiful and God bless
-having a compassionate soul
-my love for my cats
-trying to process my fears and blockages to seeing my ferals so I can stop feeling so nervous to do it
-my four leaf clover
-my Uber driver being kind when I talked to him about stuff that was going on with the bullying texts I'm getting
-hope and perspective that it might not be J actually who did the stalking/harassement texts
-deciding I need to stop paying so much attention to psychic readings online
-sleep
-fashion
-my sense of style
-touching up my hair color and making it a little darker
-having nice eyes
-feeling like I'm being seen as more attractive again when i'm out and about which feels good
-hope
-doing some Hindu mantras
-how cute my cats are
-beauty
-ordering a toner I think will be good for my skin
-powerades
-applying to some jobs tonight
-yoga stretches
-feeling like I'm working on a plan
-doing some written affirmations and trying some new ones
-clean clothing
-botox
-my neighbor with the dog being friendly and chatting with me about my cats the other day
-being creative and resourceful
-how much better I feel off topamax. more mind clarity, better eye sight, less bogged down and depressive
-trying to stay determined and boost my productivity
-applying for utility assistance
-my femininity
-positive affirmations
-deciding I want to go on a spiritual healing journey
-beta blockers
-getting a refund on the nail polish that wasn't really nail polish
-quiet and appreciating it and the benefits of it
-fun things
-feeling like I'm getting more clarity in some ways on some things
-staying determined
-beauty
-working on my confidence
-baby wipes
-clorox wipes
-hand soap
-physical exercise
-cleaning
-my accomplishments
-things i've done before showing I can do it again since I've done it before and can look in it for inspiration and how to
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Re: GRATITUDE LIST
In times of extreme hardship, look for the good. Anything even the smallest of things.
-I got a free trial size vitamin c moisturizer with the toner I bought so I'm ok on vitamin c skincare for a little while
-how beautiful the sky looks right now
-crying and letting it all out, how I've felt about a certain painful situation going on for 2 years now and putting into words
-meditation
-walking
-having money for cat food
-getting my cats treats last night
-appreciation and remembering. Savoring some appreciation early morning for the night J and I had our first kiss
-learning about the moon, what phase it was in, some romantic details about the night we first kissed that adds specialness to the memory
-photography
-how beautiful the moon can be
-getting some slight ideas on things to do about my problems
-applying to a few jobs last night
-deciding to stop watching so many psychic readings
-sweets
-clean socks
-trying to be strong
-the writer side of me
-japa mantras
-having desires. That leads to clarity to where I want to go.
-blankets
-sleep
-realizing I can organize things a little bit so it won't seem as overwhelming or time pressured
-the light within me
-trying to tap into my ambitious goal oriented version of me again
-my clover pillow
-reflection
-letting myself cry
-the tunnel toy I have for my cats that they love
-believing in myself
-trying to break up what I need to do, the things that scare me into baby steps
-the weight loss I've accomplished. Half the weight gone
-great affirmations that give me hope and determination
-my love for my cats
-my skin dryness healing
-ideas
-baby wipes
-clorox wipes
-music
-beautiful things
-inspiration
-lights off and how peaceful it is
-my spiritual knowledge
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Re: GRATITUDE LIST
I wish the time would slow down. how has this much time passed? A month now since J and I were on good terms with each other, I heard from M and life felt somewhat sane
-drinking water
-listening to chakra music and chakra balancing
-my angel friend sending me money so I can do laundry
-going to the laundromat and checking off very slowly the things i have to do post before court chaos
-taking 2 Adderall instead of one and feeling much more upbeat and productive. I think that's the magic number for me I guess. 20 mg.
-walking more
-organizing a plan for my ferals cats post whatever is going on with M and M that should have been in place several years ago anyways for the cats
-walking past the airport and closer to their house where the cats are to build up my confidence to go and build up endurance for daily life changes
-doing my food card redetermination
-checking my utility assistance update and uploading what they said to
-sweet, beautiful, pleasant memories. So many wonderful things i've done, moments i've had
-my love for my cats
-getting my lower body more toned and noticing results
-aloe vera gel working well for my skin and making it have more of a glow
-being able to plug in a humidifier in the bathroom, which is like the cart's bedroom since they go there a lot so that room get some more humidity. I feel the room is less dry since doing it.
-I had this strange, but beautiful experience.I was suddenly thinking of the night with me and J that hurt me a lot, and had another idea come in my mind that made the incident way less bad and n what I thought. Things connected from him before to that night and it just seemed to click and I felt J around the same time that night on and off maybe the night before too these loving feelings towards him. Well, during this thought process of J my mood suddenly lifted which makes sense, but my mind felt shifted, almost like it was under control. Like, as I was pondering if what if that wasn't the case if what happened that night, I just felt so great and neutral about that night suddenly. Like I was healed. So, I literally had a shift in my thinking come to me to change how I felt about that night, a mood change that stuck even as a little time passed and I wondered if that wasn't the case, and had been having loving feels towards J. The way my mind felt with that shift started to feel familiar, someone I was close to used to put energy on me. This felt like that. At first I just felt like I felt his energy and he wanted me to feel better about that night and forgive him like he was doing some intention manifesting on me.i just knew he was suddenly. I actually thought this was really sweet. He's manifesting me. It's one of the reasons I love him, he's literally manifesting me.
I never had someone do that before. I'm also surprised as heck he knows anything about mentalism or intention manifesting. But I was getting hints and didn't know it. I'd feel an overwhelming sexual energy come over me often. I thought I was just tapped into how he feels about me. Things constantly would go wrong with another guy so quickly after I met him even before I liked him and I suddenly couldn't get out of this apartment. Everything got elongated and went wrong as if to keep me here. I thought this was the universe's doing. It made so much sense. I couldn't tell if he wanted me to still be here or would prefer me to move but something nudged me he didn't want me to go. I remember him asking when does the grant happen when I was waiting on the grant when I thought my plans were going to be one thing and he doesn't usually ask me many questions, especially in text.I felt like he was maybe nervous but wasn't sure. Occasionally, I'd have thoughts he was a devil worshipper or something of the sort, like that he was into something of the dark arts. But that felt crazy so I dismissed it.The connection I had with him was so intense in ways. I'd hear thunder after thinking about him, once had my nose bleed during thinking about him(that made me wonder if it was a bad sign), I'd feel him on me in so many ways down to how he lurked my social media and timing of texting me.His cat's name is Juju. He has a hades tattoo on his arm. He has a friend who considers herself a witch and he followed a lot of girls who seemed like they were into witchcraft type stuff, alternative goth type girls. Why wouldn't he at least be open to doing intention work? I assumed he was probably accepting of those things because of that but never thought he might do it himself. He was definitely manifesting me the other night I had been posting about that night a lot how upset I was before he stopped speaking to me, and again the night before I let him manifesting me and that perception shift. I had thoughts when I started liking more law of attraction type stuff that he might see it and try intention manifesting. Normally, I'd think if a guy seen that he might think it's kind of weird i'm into that stuff or it's silly or they'd be one of those super powerful, ambitious types that I already could tell believes in thoughts creating reality but he is not like that and my initial thoughts were him getting inspired by it. and now I felt him manifesting me. It's made me think a lot differently of our connection. I don't know fully what to think. I'm flattered and it makes my feelings for him stronger. It was a love energy I felt that other night. Like he wanted me to think differently of that night and feel better.I can't imagine how he did what he did or what he did exactly in his thoughts since I never even thought he'd be into that stuff or believe in it, but he did something even if it was just asking his friend to cast some spell on me. The exact shift, how it made me perceive the night differently makes me wonder what wording or thoughts he had. I've felt loving, protected feelings from him. I used to feel safer walking after i met him and after we reconnected and pondered why before but let it go thinking it was his association in the neighborhood and then just my imagination but all this leads me to believe is he definitely was manifesting me the other night and maybe was manifesting me before. Maybe he does certain rituals to make me protected as well. He always did have a strange, eclectic energy. He always in some ways seemed like he knew more than he let on about me. And, it started more and more to become clear he really analyzes and plots towards me. He tests me.We could be really in sync with each other. It makes me think of the connection in a deeper way.It also explains why he got so upset about me going on a date despite him having no right. He's literally not wanting that in his reality and it happening upset him.I don't know what to think. I just know he was manifesting me the other night.
-doing squats to get more toned
-the smell of the grass and bushes after it rains
-the breeze in the air I felt tonight
-nightskies
-nami crisis hot line
-makeup
-getting my recap sent in tonight
-pulling off doing my job the other night, my first one also since Feb. It had a lot of challenges. I was very scared. I had to walk and navigate myself to the train over 8 blocks away and take my table with me on the train. All of this was huge for me. I was frustrated at the situation I was in. That I didn't have the emotional support in case of an emergency. But, wow I felt so accomplished doing it. It felt spiritual. Like as I navigated, each block closer was putting a piece of the puzzle together to get home. it felt like a game.I did it on only have small amount of train fare on me as well.I felt frustrated on the train thinking about the situation i've been in, angry but when I got home I felt in such a good mood. I literally put music on and was dancing a little. I did that. I felt great. People supposed to care for me treating me cruelly and making me feel abandoned and I did that on my own, no training wheels or safety net. A full day of working to and from. It felt amazing.
-getting creative to get things I want and pulling it off
-being a good mother to my cats
-my ex J, the one who's older than me contacting me. At first I was annoyed because I was like wrong ex. But, now I feel like maybe he can benefit me in some way. I can't take him seriously but everytime he's been in my life I do get a little bit of material things I need taken care of. So, maybe the universe sent him to help
-some fashionable items I have that I can "refurbish" by bringing them out to wear now and freshen up my wardrobe. Items I haven't worn in a long time so they'll feel kind of new
-my burberry sunglasses
-booking work for may
-new clients
-jack daniels and coke in a can cocktails. They taste so good
-food that tastes good and nourishing me
-my red light wand
-having another interview after I go to bed and wake up again
-being off topamax. I don't like how it made me feel getting off it in some ways because my life crashed at the same time and I have this thing where I associate meds with what happened in my life when starting them so I love Ativan because I remember suddenly feeling quiet and calm in my mind the first time I took it and it felt so blissful. I just felt like all will be well. and my cat who was missing returned that night. Wellbutrin when I started it I suddenly lost some of the weight I had gained and felt much more upbeat and productive and clear minded and almost kind of happy. Things turned for a positive direction in my life at the same time I started Wellbutrin.I've been nervous about weight gain being off of it but i've been on it long enough and i've gotten rid of all things that could have caused weight gain. I'm still on Wellbutrin which helps with weight loss. I'm going to be moving more and exercising more and have been and needed to adapt to that. And, I have Adderall now which also causes weight loss so it'll work out even if initially there was slight weight gain.
-having a baby face
-my dimples
-positive law of attraction stuff i've been following lately
-sleep. it's been feeling really good lately
-being smart and having an intellectual mind
-being considered beautiful
-having a nice body, it is improving and i'm starting to like the way it looks almost again
-having nice curves
-journaling and reflection, writing things down
-sitting outside and meditating
-patience
-counting my wins
-my older friend J who has been there for me still throughout all of this
-my dad still being there
-photo editing apps
-my accomplishments and beautiful photos of myself
-music
-deciding to stop with all the psychic online YouTube readings, I was giving it too much attention and it wasn't good for me
-my pink sculptural table
-doing affirmations
-baby wipes
-cleaning wipes
-newness
-staying firm on my desires
-listening to positive audios like from Louise hay the other night while walking
-others seeming to find me attractive
-my strength, resilience and determination
-my hair looking better now that I darkened a little bit but I do want to go back to blonde soon.
-the cool stories i've experienced in my life time
-being an interesting person
-my silver rain boots
-my sense of style
-changing things up a little with various life things based on where i'm at now in life
-doing a style/clothing update list of where I want my style to go, and items I need for my wardrobe
-that I can put my winter coat away since spring is here and has been for a bit now
-continuing to work on myself, and loving myself
-my child like side
-my wisdom
-my femininity
-showering and being clean
-compassion for self
-my blue water glitter ring
-four leaf clovers
-being unique
-being able to think for myself
-looking for the good even in the bad
-holding onto faith
-having a good heart
-my beauty
-my ability to do things others can not
-learning
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Re: GRATITUDE LIST
-going to the doctor finally
-getting meds for the new strange health condition I have and knowing what's going on with that and having pain relievers for it
-how amazing my doctors case manager is with caring and giving info and setting things up for me after my e.r visits
-making ravioli I got from the store and that it was good and only $3something
-getting my storage unit paid and cat food for the next week or so
-clean clothes
-going out to a new restaurant I haven't been to and trying new foods and experiences with older ex J
-my older friend J sending me more money again the other morning. Sometimes it feels like he's keeping an eye on me
-ordering pizza the other night just because. It may not be the smartest way to spend money right now but I wanted to do it
-not sure what I think of this but maybe it was a sign or sign my manifestation is near or that he's manifesting me. When my ex dropped me off the other day, he just happened to have to go a little far and passed the side J is on and I seen him outside in front of his house on his phone waiting for something it seemed. I'm not sure if he seen me and I did see him look over but not sure if he would have seen me from not the angle and whatnot.I never really ever see J outside. I'm not sure if he seen me and I told my ex to hurry and I didn't want to drive past that side and why and turned my head.
-well, don't know if this is a thing yet or not but randomly in the middle of the night after watching a documentary I connected the dots to my ex I was with in a disturbing way and felt distressed and emotional. Afterwards I wondered is this another person being vanquished because of J? It possibly seemed like it. We did talk still after that but he was more distant and weird and initially I wasn't sure what I'd do now after connecting those dots. It was pretty messed up but I need his help. They go away quick with J but not always instantly. Sometimes it takes a week or so and the person may come back in a little but again in a really repulsive way so I can't tell yet. I may have just happened to connect the dots which I do sometimes with things and his being distant could be from anything and he was less distant today and seemed like he had been expecting me to contact him which is weird and telling. So I don't know.
-relaxing a little bit about time pressure because I see some ideas, have things kinda organized and what else can I do so may as well relax and surrender
-music and discovering new songs
-getting my utility bill assistance approved for a 600 and something credit amount to my account so not having to worry about that now
-at least I have some good excuses for not making things on time that are legitimate and can possibly be used
-doing writing on a little bit of where I want to go in life
-my four leaf clover pillow
-trying to drink more water
-cute things cats do
-how good of a listener P cat can be and how receptive my cats are
-showering
-cleaning a little
-cleaning wipes
-that the plasma center should be open again or about to be
-aloe vera gel and how great it's been in healing my skin
-sleep
-blankets
-nightskies
-warm water
-sunshine
-nice weather
-how beautiful it can be sometimes being outside sitting or walking
-watching a lot less of those YouTube psychic readings. They weren't doing me good and at this point give me a headache
-meditation
-quiet outside
-walking more
-doing creative writing at times and how healing it is for me
-watching movies
-my accomplishments in the entertainment industry and fashion and having done some really cool things
-being a considerate and kind person
-having really beautiful eyes
-ideas
-being smart
-having a little bit of a baby face
-being thinner than I was this time last year
-confirming a lot of jobs for next month
-fashion and having great style
-inspiration
-hope
-having more energy after taking my meds from the doctor today
-my beauty
-having a beautiful soul
-how sexy I find J
-how much J and I have in common in little ways
-law of attraction audios and inspiration
-listening to positive mind food when I go for walks
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Re: GRATITUDE LIST
-self reassurances
-physical exercise to get more in shape
-my femininity
-working on boosting my confidence