Hi. First off, my name is David. How are you all doing?
I am writing this in order to ask a sage person his advice concerning my life and why I am in such a rut and what I can perhaps do to extricate myself from it.
---------If you don't want to hear a lot of whining about personal problems, then do not read any further. ---------
For about three years now my life has been quite stagnant and horrible (when I say stagnant I mean it quite literally, as I have basically just been sitting around for about 3 years, not working, going to school, hanging out or anything.) I am 20 years old and I do not have a driver's license, I am not in school, I have crippling emotional problems including
Body Dysmorphic Disorder, and Depression which are keeping me from going out and doing the things that I need to do in order to get my life back on track (such as getting a driver's license which I can't do on account of my B.D.D.), and my mind - which was my most treasured possession - is in a state of declension and I am not - in my opinion - even half as intelligent as I once was and am not able to do the things that I love doing any longer - such as study languages. Reality has steadily been taking on very surreal aspects of late; I almost feel sometimes as though I could reach out to touch a wall and palpate nothing but emptiness and diaphanous illusion. This adds to my discomfort and misery greatly.
Another problem of mine is that my depression is further aggravated due to my fatalistic views on life - my feeling that I have no freedom whatsoever and am just God's stupid, unloved, and unwitting puppet in his sadistic little marionette show. I don't feel as though I were able to make decisions for myself and effect in my life the things that I desire most. I hate that He won't just let me make my own mistakes. If what I desire isn't good for me then just let me experience what I want, realize that I was mistaken, and move on, 'cause no amount of his telling me that my priorities are misplaced is going to make me change them.
With regards to my Body Dysmorphic Disorder, it is so severe that I had to drop out of school because of it and I do not look at people directly (i.e. not face to face) lest I should experience tremendous discomfort and misery, realizing that they have seen unobscured the ugliness of my countenance. I also am unable to look in mirrors and I go about everyday wearing a bandana so as to conceal my hair which I deem to be quite ugly, even going so far as to sleep with it on. It has also resulted in my not having any friends.
I am extremely suicidal and I would certainly kill myself if a) I had the means to divest myself of vital breath relatively painlessly and b) there weren't anyone in my life who would suffer as a result of my ending my life.
I very very often ask God to just let my soul be destroyed or sent to hell because I cannot bear this existence. There is literally NOTHING that brings me joy in this life. Nothing. I can't stand it. All I want is to not exist and yet God doesn't love me enough to do even that for me. I feel so hopeless and as though I will never attain any of the things that I desire out of life and will be doomed to experience all the things that are retrograde to my will for all time. What's more, I am not even sure that I want anything out of this existence; it all just seems so pointless that I really only want to not exist....
Anyways, forgive me please for being so whiny. Even if you offer me no advice or counsel at all, my rant was somewhat carthartic and thus this post worthwhile - I suppose.
Thank you for your time everyone. I appreciate it.
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