Husband shaving his head

[ButterflyWoman]

I had a really upsetting dream today.

In my dream, I was lying in my bed, and I looked out of the bedroom door, from which you can see the bathroom door. I saw my husband coming down the hallway, and his head was mostly shaved. He was going in to the bathroom to do a second pass with the clippers to neaten it up and finish it off.

As it happens, my husband has quite long and very beautiful hair, which he grew out specifically because I wanted to see his hair long (when it's long, it curls very beautifully). I love his hair, and spend a lot of time touching it. So in the dream, when I saw he had shaved it off without even saying anything to me, I was shocked and deeply upset.

I went to him and tried to communicate how upset I felt, but he was just completely stone-faced. No communication, no compassion, no empathy, nothing. That upset me even more, and I left the bathroom and got back in bed, where I tried to cry, partly because I wanted to and partly to try to communicate to him just how upset and hurt I felt. So I opened my mouth and I couldn't make any sound come out at all. I was inhaling and then trying to sob, but nothing happened, which I found very frustrating. Finally, I did manage to get a noise to come out, a sort of short burst of sound, and that's what woke me up.

Once awake, I turned over in the bed and literally had to catch my breath. My heart was pounding and I was short of breath.

I've bee thinking about this ever since and I really have no clue what it means. I've never dreamed anything like it before. My husband and I have a very good relationship, very open communication (in waking hours he would never do something drastic like shaving off his hair without telling me!). I do, indeed, love his beautiful hair, so I think that's probably the key symbol here (rather than it being about him, it's about his hair, which probably symbolises something that pleases me, maybe?).

Thoughts welcome.

[Korpo]

Hello, CW.

I have some ideas about this, but also some questions which might be useful to address first:

I went to him and tried to communicate how upset I felt, but he was just completely stone-faced. No communication, no compassion, no empathy, nothing.

Did you actually manage to talk at this instance?

I tried to cry, partly because I wanted to and partly to try to communicate to him just how upset and hurt I felt.

This may be just a misunderstanding with the choice of words - I mean, I thought one could cry because one felt like it (an impulse from within), but because you want to? Can you describe what this means?

Be well,
Oliver

[Beekeeper]

He does indeed have lovely hair.

If this were my dream I'd focus on all the possible meanings of head shaving. I know you recently shaved yours for cancer research, so I'd explore links to this idea. I'd also consider loss of strength Samson-style.

Starting with your love of his hair and his having grown it initially to please you, it could be a straight-out anxiety dream based on an underlying fear that things may change. Given your present happiness in comparison to your experiences during your childhood, it isn't inconceivable that somewhere deep in your subconscious is a fear that he'll change by exposing an aspect of himself (his thinking perhaps) that will shock you. I think dreams will commonly throw up anxieties like this. They don't mean there's anything wrong with the relationship, only that we feel vulnerable when we are intimately linked to another.

[ButterflyWoman]

Did you actually manage to talk at this instance?

Yes.

This may be just a misunderstanding with the choice of words - I mean, I thought one could cry because one felt like it (an impulse from within), but because you want to? Can you describe what this means?

Haven't you ever wanted to cry, as an expression of pain or to relieve some inner emotional turmoil? Maybe not, but I think it's not that uncommon. I've done it since I was a child, though I rarely feel so internally tormented that I need to cry, these days.

[ButterflyWoman]

Starting with your love of his hair and his having grown it initially to please you, it could be a straight-out anxiety dream based on an underlying fear that things may change.

Ah. That rings a bell. I've got some underlying anxiety that I'm going to "outgrow" him (as has happened in previous relationships). That the more my awareness expands, I may find that he and I are no longer compatible.

That's a visceral thing, though, because on a rational level, I don't think it's actually a problem. Underneath though... Yeah.

FWIW, he also grew the beard to please me, but he's not a man who does things just because someone tells him to. He grew the beard and liked it, so he kept it. Same with the hair. I did suggest it, but if he didn't like it, it would be gone. Maybe that's part of the dream's message... expressing fear? Or more like telling me that he really WON'T just do things because I say so (in both positive and negative ways). Hmmmmmmmm.

Given your present happiness in comparison to your experiences during your childhood, it isn't inconceivable that somewhere deep in your subconscious is a fear that he'll change by exposing an aspect of himself (his thinking perhaps) that will shock you.

I think more that I'm afraid that he's going to just suddenly decide that all this expanding consciousness stuff is annoying him, and he'll withdraw. (It's happened before. Mind you, that was a much lesser man, in every way.)

They don't mean there's anything wrong with the relationship, only that we feel vulnerable when we are intimately linked to another.

Oh, there's nothing wrong with the relationship. It's about me, not about us.

I did talk to him about the dream. He did note that his hair represents something I want, something that pleases me. And it does.

[CFTraveler]

I got something completely different than y'all, and based on nothing but the first thing that came up in my head:
I think that when you shaved your head you did it not only for cancer research, but it was a symbolic thing- something about shedding the old, etc.
When you saw him shaved, you feared that- He may be becoming more like you- and you have remarked how different (in a complementary way) you are from each other- emotionally-
And/or that you are afraid that he is changing- shedding the status quo- you being part of it.
See? Different.

[ButterflyWoman]

I think that when you shaved your head you did it not only for cancer research, but it was a symbolic thing- something about shedding the old, etc.

Yeah. It was getting rid of part of my identity. I realised I was really stuck on being "a redhead", and I thought the best way to fix that would be to get rid of it entirely (and raise some money for charity at the same time).

When you saw him shaved, you feared that- He may be becoming more like you- and you have remarked how different (in a complementary way) you are from each other- emotionally-
And/or that you are afraid that he is changing- shedding the status quo- you being part of it.
See? Different.

Wow. Really INTERESTING. I'm going to meditate on that.

[ButterflyWoman]

I still haven't got it. Been talking about it and thinking about it. I know it's an expression of my own fear of some kind of negative change, but I can't pin it down. Very frustrating.

[Korpo]

Hey, CW.

Shaving off his hair could also be an act of renunciation - think Buddhist monks.

Also sono posted a dream interpretation link today that contained something about hair - it can stand for thoughts and ideas sprouting in our head. You could take the act of shaving to be similar to Occam's razor or a simplification. Here the hair would for example stand for complexity, and you often remarked about his intellectual nature. So it could be a double attachment - an outer to abundant hair and an inner to an overflowing mind.

Cutting your hair can signify new beginnigs.

(Denise Linn, "The Secret Language of Signs")

The aspect that has gotten little attention so far was your inability to utter a sound at the end of the dream. It might hold the key to any of the other interpretations.

I went to him and tried to communicate how upset I felt, but he was just completely stone-faced. No communication, no compassion, no empathy, nothing.

Possibly a sign of being afraid of disconnecting, but see below for another take on it.

That upset me even more, and I left the bathroom and got back in bed, where I tried to cry, partly because I wanted to and partly to try to communicate to him just how upset and hurt I felt.

This could be a sign that you try to communicate solely on an emotional level here. So maybe the disconnect is between different levels of communication? That could also explain the feeling of "no communication, no compassion, no empathy." The question is - what would communicating "beyond outer personality" look like, feel like? From an emotional point of view it would lack expression, but you could reverse the view and see that the emotional level is full of drama and unnecessary attachment and intensity.

What attachments (the hair as outer symbol) have you let go of to get there?

So I opened my mouth and I couldn't make any sound come out at all. I was inhaling and then trying to sob, but nothing happened, which I found very frustrating.

You have to wonder why crying, which you consider a way of communicating something about yourself, it is not accessible to you here. Just as you cannot connect to your husband (stone-faced) earlier, you can also not utilise the means of communication you want to in this part. So, both might mean that communication is not happening because it is on the wrong level.

Your husband without hair could mean his person beyond outer appearances, the core self. Also the idea of shaving the head like a renunciate monk I would identify with the core. The monk turns inward and find what is true by shedding everything is false. A communication on this level is not emotional, it might even be beyond merely rational, it requires connecting in a different way.

You're kind of challenged to it here. This approach to seeing another person is new and frightening, the shock you associate with the hair. This would also mean redefining the relationship, a change you might not feel ready to, given how comfortable you feel with its present state. You could take it as a glimpse ahead. I know the quality - it might feel at first impersonal, but when start to get it, you see it isn't. It's just far more subtle, and if you gain more experience with it, you might see much more than a stone face. For now it might be too subtle and a first glimpse of what lies ahead beyond the emotional level.

Cheers,
Oliver

[Razzalot]

Perhaps the dream was a way to prompt you into considering how much emphasis you put on his hair...?