Snake in the museum

[farewell2arms]

Thank you Beekeeper, and Tim.

I will take this and remember it.

I just found out about something called self-inquiry. This seems like what's next: I have actually been doing that the last couple of days, without realizing it.

Be well,

John

[Tutor]

Thanks BeeKeeper,

yep, applies to me also. I seem to be self-caught inside a transparent bubble and I fear that the thinning layer between myself and the world is going to pop. i want it to pop, yet at the same time i need it to be there. it is strange, to say the least.

i can recall when this bubble's wall was dark and I couldn't see through it at all. at first it was pitch darkness inside as well, but ever so slowly a light began to glow, ever so faint and frail at first.

it was most comforting, that faint glow, as if to nurture from within.

it is almost as frightening to arrive at thinned transparency as it is to have endured pitch darkness prior to that faint glow. though, not as excruciating, it is cause for deep resonant trembling.

i totally relate to what John is going through and feeling, and it is why i yack at him so. i can articulate like a madman, but it isn't sign that i am advanced to any degree of knowing what the hell i am saying, most of the time. it really is an emotionally motivated dialectic which i write.

as soon as i sense mental intent in it i let it go, because it seems to me to have become corrupted. this same 'sense' is my reluctance that is frightened of the bubble's wall popping. because i feel the world at large operable of mental intent.

and it is by mental intent that i return to edit and/or delete. having exited the emotional zone which wrote whatever, i then feel exposed to the realm of mentalism which reads my reply/post from intent.

so i say to myself, that whatever i wrote is for whomever, say like this time to John, and John has read what i had written, and following, it bears upon me to delete what John, or anyone else, has read and reciprocated to.

perhaps the mental return is as paranoia|delusion, yet the original writing is metanoia|birthing of true feeling, emotionally rendered.

like so many who awaken in life, the life preceding this event had been one of much [seeming] abusiveness, beginning in childhood, seeded and growing toward the climactic event of spiritual arousal. my childhood was one of enduring verbal/physical abuse, which i recognized as an adult just enough to not pass the bulk of it onward, though doing the 'asshole' was an art form as me.

[seeming] - meaning that it had been taken as personal - belonging to me as if it were me without a say in it. dis-ease, mal-function, illness instead beingness

what i did not recognize, however, was the unseen emotional wounds and scarring [seemingly] within myself, a personality working overtime to maintain [seeming] integrity and not fly apart. i had adopted a hard and rigid exterior, intimidatingly meeting the world, non-intimate to ward off entrys into my brokenness so strained and fragilely holding together. but to myself i was normal, this was the me i knew but had zero understanding about, as to why, how, where, when, what, who...etc.

now, this actually worked to my favor in the work-a-day world, along with my over-achiever attitude hell bent not to fail. I always ended up in positions of leadership with my no nonsense and get it done attitude. i worked with a zen quality that fluidly organized and work for me came easy and felt freeing.

anyways, in the military i exceled, but also in my military experiences arrived that which ole tim would not be able to endure, not be able to pack in so tightly hidden away and pretend was not there. well, i did pull it off for about 9 years following discharge, but it was like a vicious blackdog right on my heals, and i knew it, and i ran like a s.o.b. from it.

finally it caught me, it had me for keeps, and i broke like a house flying apart in a tornado. adding here that the vicious dog turned out to be a puppy just wanting to be recognized and loved, but who knew, not me.

well, upon that breaking, i found myself in the deep darkness of terrifying 'reality'. i always find it interesting how folks yearn for and seek out this illustrious 'reality'. lord have mercy on em, is all i can say to them. i here jack nicholsan saying "The Truth? You can't handle the Truth!!!".

'reality' in no way, fashion or form looks anything like one might imagine, simply because it is about the person and everything that here to fore has given to them their person. spirituality is about YOU and like you've said BeeKeeper, it aint about a God accepting you based upon some issuance of criteria with which to measure up to. it is souly and soley about YOU.

philosophy and religion, do however, present some great languages with which to orient what a YOU is within the overall scheme of all things considered, mystically speaking that is. the hard core worldy approach, i fear, is as misleading as the whole life which delivers one to the event of awakening.

we quite 'literally' aint got a clue what the hell we are a doing, in taking 'it' of 'life' as a literal agency, or that which might be solved in the written and read word. simply because the literal has to be lifted off the page, subsumed within, and utilized toward organization of 'chaos rules' formative of 'literality' which is no way resembles 'reality'.

'reality' is about 'being', while 'literality' alone is about 'doing'. however, if one can awaken this 'being', believe it or not, doing hence forth has little to whatsoever do with 'literality'.

am i a philosophical and religious person? yes I am, utilizing the languages supportive of interior understanding, wherefrom the exterior might be understood in all of its nefarious forms.

'nefarious' herein to mean 'mis-understood' and thereby mis-appropriated authoritatively as out-forming societal/cultural rules/laws, prejudicial to actual understanding of true meanings and purposes that are only within to be understood.

though, i've found, that understanding does not end 'fear'. fear is natural and it is common sense at a foundational base. so i am a fearful fella, but i dont 'intend' to throw up yet another intimidating facade with which to hide behind.

but i am emotionally motivated to step out and back into, as comfort would inwardly suggest. emotions must be honored, if we do not honor them, then mentations immediately go to work in construction of a hard shell of protection. this is an automatic reaction, needing no conscious permission. this is the beginnings of actual 'permissiveness', because what is erected for protection is also calling to be assaulted from within to without, because it is artificiality.

anger, anger is a rightful feeling, that if honored, speaks it's mind assertively. otherwise, one is left to passive aggressive reactivity of mental retreat and attack.

were not for the chemical brain/body releases and irreparable nervous system damage, i would function better. however, the physical body can bounce back only so much, when it has without understanding taken so much, [seeming] or not. yet, it is the physical which carrys the yoked burden of 'literality'. this just as hebrew lore would have it, that the first Torah scrolls were written upon the inside face of actual human flesh. but, i suppose this to be an analogous rendering of literal words to reveal that literality is always facing inward toward reality's face staring outward.

lordy, i do go on....sorry.

tim

[Beekeeper]

No, Tim. It was a good rave. I'm on the hop but I'll be back soon to say a thing or two in response.

I highly recommend self-inquiry, dear John.

Back now...

like so many who awaken in life, the life preceding this event had been one of much [seeming] abusiveness, beginning in childhood, seeded and growing toward the climactic event of spiritual arousal. my childhood was one of enduring verbal/physical abuse, which i recognized as an adult just enough to not pass the bulk of it onward, though doing the 'ar$eh0le' was an art form as me.

I think it's something like a quarter of people who are statistically said to have such a childhood. I still find the way my parents interact with me (and others) abusive but the difference is I can remove myself from it. I also see where it originates better than I ever did.

My sister's psychiatrist recommended that she exclude my father from her life permanently after she read an abusive letter to her. She said she'd never witnessed such parental cruelty before. Alas, he's too old to use his fists these days and so he resorts to his sharpest weapon- his intellect.

I think we all pass through degrees of ar$eholedom on our way to better things.

[seeming] - meaning that it had been taken as personal - belonging to me as if it were me without a say in it. dis-ease, mal-function, illness instead beingness

what i did not recognize, however, was the unseen emotional wounds and scarring [seemingly] within myself, a personality working overtime to maintain [seeming] integrity and not fly apart. i had adopted a hard and rigid exterior, intimidatingly meeting the world, non-intimate to ward off entrys into my brokenness so strained and fragilely holding together. but to myself i was normal, this was the me i knew but had zero understanding about, as to why, how, where, when, what, who...etc.

This is everywhere, isn't it? You detect it in yourself and so you can detect it in others and this may lead to compassion, which is a good thing. Best to meet the shadow rather than be ever grappling. People don't always appreciate that these realisations are spiritual work and often occur before the person even identifies himself as having embarked upon such a journey.

now, this actually worked to my favor in the work-a-day world, along with my over-achiever attitude hell bent not to fail. I always ended up in positions of leadership with my no nonsense and get it done attitude. i worked with a zen quality that fluidly organized and work for me came easy and felt freeing.

anyways, in the military i exceled, but also in my military experiences arrived that which ole tim would not be able to endure, not be able to pack in so tightly hidden away and pretend was not there. well, i did pull it off for about 9 years following discharge, but it was like a vicious blackdog right on my heals, and i knew it, and i ran like a s.o.b. from it.

finally it caught me, it had me for keeps, and i broke like a house flying apart in a tornado. adding here that the vicious dog turned out to be a puppy just wanting to be recognized and loved, but who knew, not me.

Our experiences are challenging while we're here. They seem to return to confront us, even when we think we have them licked. I hope this isn't what karma is about. I hope when we're no longer here we can detach from such things and say, "Wow, what a ride that was!"

well, upon that breaking, i found myself in the deep darkness of terrifying 'reality'. i always find it interesting how folks yearn for and seek out this illustrious 'reality'. lord have mercy on em, is all i can say to them. i here jack nicholsan saying "The Truth? You can't handle the Truth!!!".

I was teaching my Year 9s the meaning of the word catharsis within the context of a film unit today. I explained that we often enjoy the way a movie, play, poem or novel will allow us to feel extreme emotions: heart wrenching sorrow; fuming anger; side-splitting laughter; suspense; relief, excitement. I suggested that, perhaps because of evolutionary process, we're hardwired to want to live fully in emotions at times and that what we need at any given time might vary. Peace is nice too though.

philosophy and religion, do however, present some great languages with which to orient what a YOU is within the overall scheme of all things considered, mystically speaking that is. the hard core worldy approach, i fear, is as misleading as the whole life which delivers one to the event of awakening.

I agree, no one way has all the answers.

but i am emotionally motivated to step out and back into, as comfort would inwardly suggest. emotions must be honored, if we do not honor them, then mentations immediately go to work in construction of a hard shell of protection. this is an automatic reaction, needing no conscious permission. this is the beginnings of actual 'permissiveness', because what is erected for protection is also calling to be assaulted from within to without, because it is artificiality.

Yes.

anger, anger is a rightful feeling, that if honored, speaks it's mind assertively. otherwise, one is left to passive aggressive reactivity of mental retreat and attack.

Anger is a complex issue. It is a very good subject for self-inquiry, I feel. I'm still childish in my anger at times but at least I can laugh at myself when I'm over my self-pity.

were not for the chemical brain/body releases and irreparable nervous system damage, i would function better

These human bodies are a damn challenge and it doesn't help when one has experienced trauma and triggered a bunch of genes and sent a bunch of neurones off in various directions!

however, the physical body can bounce back only so much, when it has without understanding taken so much, [seeming] or not. yet, it is the physical which carrys the yoked burden of 'literality'. this just as hebrew lore would have it, that the first Torah scrolls were written upon the inside face of actual human flesh.

Eww

but, i suppose this to be an analogous rendering of literal words to reveal that literality is always facing inward toward reality's face staring outward.

lordy, i do go on....sorry.

Namaste.

[CFTraveler]

I think we all pass through degrees of ar$eholedom on our way to better things.

Preserved for posterity.

[Tutor]

BeeKeeper,

Thanks for the reply Friend.

ok, my curiosity is aroused ...translate 'a good rave' and 'on the hop'. lol

tim

[Beekeeper]

A "good rave" = a good long natter/chat/discourse.

"On the hop" = in a hurry to be somewhere else I'm supposed to be (i.e. my piano lesson )

[farewell2arms]

I had another snake dream this night.

It was a rattlesnake, black and red, lying on the fringe of a parking lot, among the grass and weeds. There was a small trodden path there, which I was passing by on. I tried to walk silently and not disturb the snake, but it lashed out and bit me in the shin. I ran from it but it chased me. It was hard to run and there was something wierd with the pacing, too. One moment the snake seemed move slowly forward and the next it would make a giant leap ahead.

It seemed as if we moved in sync here, I was able to speed up when it moved fast aswell. I made it out onto the asphalt of the parking lot with my shin bitten. Then the scenery changed.

--

I was in a supermarket, in line for the cashier. There were long lines of people at every cashier. I didn't feel like buying anything, yet still I was in line. Just when I was about to reach the cashier they closed down. I felt robbed and let down.

I walked out towards the exit and suddenly the place turned into a dinner party, a banquet. Near the entrace/exit there were lots of bars serving whisky and fine brandy. I was entitled to it all but I still felt like there was nothing to buy there. I even had a coupon for a freebie, I think, but I never used it. I bumped into a lot of people, the place was crammed. Then I woke up.

Hope you can make something of this.

Cheers,

John

[Tutor]

Hi John,

i think this is a wonderful dream/s. seems the overall emphasis was on what does "wanting nothing" mean. from where does such a desire emerge, that would want nothing of this?

tim

[Tutor]

John,

You ok?

tim

[farewell2arms]

Yes Tim! I'm doing better and better.

More and more, there is the understanding of the underlying emptiness of everything drawn from thoughts. It settle in quite steadily last night, it's morning here now so I haven't had the chance yet to examine it all further.

But I understand this... even the thought of the word "thought" is just... useless. (What the hell is a thought? ) Thoughts seem nothing more than a rough stone surface, pictured in my mind, nothing grows there. All thoughts look the same if viewed this way, it's just noise, texture.

However, there is still unconsciousness in the present moment, a lot actually. Sometimes throughout the day I will "rewind" into old habits. I'll wake up and realize I've been gone for 20 mins. This happens mostly when watching TV or reading books. Then there will be a strong urge to "work" to achieve something. "Oh no, I have to..."
At these times, I "Just stop looking" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GdzPp9cRKN0


There is of course pain and suffering, every day. However, I have understood how this can be minimized. It becomes simpler and simpler to just let it be what it is. Sometimes I can just say: "I'm okay with being sad and with being in pain. It's not so bad." and it turns into pure sensation, no better or worse than anything else (well, perhaps that's a stretch, but I'm moving in that direction).

How can life be anything but what it is? It can't, and I'm in it. So it's really about accepting myself as I am.


Cheers

John!