Sinera's Lucidiary

[Sinera]

30/May/2011
Someone Nearly Tore My Arm Off

Ok, so this is a short one, actually a failure but even failures are sometimes notable - due to the circumstances. In hypnopomp state, I get the dream-like image (or create it myself) of my uncle who died a few months ago. I am partially lucid, and think to myself that he might help me and stretch out my (imaginary?) arms to say hello to him.

Suddenly, my left arm is heavily tugged at, this time more in the direction away from my body (like s.o. tugging at you or pulling you near them) rather than upwards. It is very violent. I am not angry but not really 'pleased' either. Of course, there is no pain, it's my energy arm anyway. Still, it is unpleasant. Then I feel the 'usual' pressure/grip around my wrists again. Ok, usual procedure. (Is it "her"? I don't know. Btw, I did and do not think it is my uncle!). Then I 'ask' (telepathically) for the hands to be grabbed again, which works (usual procedure, my goodness, this is even getting a bit boring now...). So I keep lying there with grabbed hands. I see nothing. (I don't know anymore if I 'felt' a take-off and flying this time).

Then it gets like it was on my "09/Apr/2011 - Personal Trainer? Part 1: Flight Simulation: Appartment" lucadventure: I see 'lighted darkness' with closed eyes (close your eyes and direct your head to a lighted lamp, that's what it is like). Actually, nothing more happens then. I ask the entity: 'where are we going?' No answer. I am already a bit on edge. It has not only to do with the violent clumsy tugging, but also with my general bodily constitution, as I went to bed completely tired and also a bit sick (needing sleep desperately). It did not get better today. I felt tired, stressed out and a bit headachy all day long. So possibly it wasn't my day (night) anyway.

Then I feel something warm (the hands still grabbed and the 'lighted darkness' still on) additionally at my upper left arm. This is the moment when I decide I definitely have enough! As I also did not get any answer til then, I break off the whole thing, which I can do easily by waking up.

Comments / Afterthoughts

It all sucks.

[Sinera]

Next to my recent bad-mood-post above, though as understandable as it might be, let me add that there are accompanying encouraging dreams again for me. (I could add 'dreams' thus to my 'blue list' from April 26th).

For example:
I am at my university again and meet with a young teacher. She is a young woman (in her twens, like I was too at university back then). I don't know her. While she is talking to me she is making finger gestures with the thumb and index finger varied by degree, showing me different spans while explaining things to me, like this:

She says that we are sometimes "that close" (thumb and index finger span gets smaller), but then it gets like this again (span gets wider), then it gets closer again and so on. I do not know if it is the same girl (Ludmilla?) that is tugging at me, rather not. As it is a teacher (and I dream so much of class rooms and teachers lately) I assume (but don't know for sure) that it is indeed referring to my projection training, the 'guided' tours and/or my recent phasing attempts, where I really feel some "getting close(r)" now.

Another example from tonight:
I dream of a fun race competition through a city as well as a forest. I am actually only taken on piggy-back by another guy, so I don't have to 'run/fly' myself. This guy is very fast and proficient indeed. During one scene, we speed at incredibly high velocity through a forest road, then arrive at a city's cross roads. Seems like we won.
Well, which makes it more interesting: the guy in the dream that took me 'with him' on piggy-back is an experienced astral projector of a forum I am in (no, it is not this one and neither is it Astralpulse, so it is no one of you ). Of course, I don't know this guy personally. It's the first time I dreamt of him. This might be another sign to put even more 'trust' into a more proficient entity (helper, coach, ..?) who lends me a hand (literally) dragging me behind him/her through the astral world? Again: I don't know anything for sure, just interpreting things (as usual) in a positive way for me. But it makes sense, doesn't it?

[Sinera]

04/Jun/2011
First Phasing (?) Or Hypnagogic Exit (!)

New method: I got up after 2-3 hours of sleep and laid down again after being up for 15 minutes or so. I put on some light clothes and also put a woolen blanket under me for back-up because I lie on the back, which I don't usually do. As I am a notorious side sleeper (actually I so far could never fall asleep while on my back), it has the great advantage of not being so comfortable and falling asleep only very lightly - so it won't be pretty deep and I can get easier into "the state" that helps me exit. That's what I thought. And this exactly works for me (quite a few times now).

So here (on my first attempt) I got into the state where I knew I could exit. No vibrations though! I was looking forward to it and smiled. Then I asked for a hand. It felt like being in my portal again. The hand came, but no strong grip. I stretched out my second hand, the funny thing is that it was somehow with crossed arms. A second hand also came.

I don't know if I rose up but it felt like moving and I saw black. It was the black velvety background with thin lines being drawn again, this time the only colour was violet (which I assume to be a good sign for me).

After a while without seeing anything I requested vision. It came after a few seconds. I saw myself then getting up from bed in my portal indeed when looking at a mirror in the ceiling, seeing my"self". I thought then that I woke up. So this was a false awakening unfortunately, which means I lost this time too much of lucidity. Don't know much about what happened then but I think I soon woke up after that or fell into "normal" sleep/dreams.

Comments / Afterthoughts

I don't know if I really "phased" or just exited from light sleep/hypnagogia, but it is still a premiere anyway, since I did not go out from "the other side" namely from hypnopomp stage (diving up from deeper sleep). This is progress for me. I also seem to be beyond vibrations now completely.
I wonder if the mirror might indicate the 'gate' to my higher self. Nick Newport indicated such a thing in one of his courses. Maybe the colour violet also indicates this for me? At least, I connect violet with my HS. Last but not least: in my pre-sleep affirmations, I had asked my HS to help me with exits. So maybe it worked.

[Sinera]

11/Jun/2011
Lesson On Cyclical Times (?)

This is another rather strange one.

After exit (unusually: no portal, helping hands and even this time with vibes) I was in a kind of living room unknown to me. A lady in red dress introduces herself to me, but I forgot her name.

Somehow I think this is the future, despite the fact that there is nothing futuristic about the appartment I am in. This 'feel' is similar to my Oct 17th 2010 (time travel to the year 2194) lucidventure.

I ask her about the date. She says sth like 44-thousand. I am stunned despite my own intutition I had before that it was the far (!) future. I ask: What? Again several thousands is the answer. I grab a notebook or a piece of paper and try to note it down (don't ask me why, I was lucid and knew that I could not take it with me, maybe I wanted to use this as a memorisation practice?).

At one point, the notepad gets pretty small, only a square centimeter in size, of course I cannot use it. Then the lady gives me a paper with a kind of calculation. I see numbers like in an addition but cannot take it in. She often repeats the date and I ask again and again, repeating it to myself and trying to note it down. But it seems the numbers are different every time. Sometimes much smaller even.

She also tells me that in my point in time where I come from there will be soon a kind of asassination of a (political?) leader. She shows me a paper with a Spanish male name on it.

In-between, I look at my hands so as not to fade to soon out of this scene. (Good one! You've learnt your lessons, Volgerle ).

Other people join the room. They wear funny clothes, but not what I would call futuristic. One guy with a bald head also speaks to me. I ask him again what time they are in and how it relates to 'mine'.
He and the others then tell me about cycles, which explains why they sometimes told me a smaller number and then the whole number of the different cyclical periods added up or combined, as it seems. Depends on how you look at it, they say.
I then ask the bald-headed guy if their (total) year-number is so high and mine so low, because I am from the „first cycle“ with the year 2011.

The guy says yes, and points at my head marking its shape and says that one can clearly see that I am 'from the first cycle' by my looks. This made me feel like being a kind of Neanderthaler. They did look like normal humans to me (but who knows how I looked to them?).

Then I faded and was back quickly the next second in bed, with little but still notable PREES. I looked at my alarm clock to check time, but see below.

Comments / Afterthoughts

After some thoughts about this, I think this was probably a lesson on what NOT to do in a projection? Trying to note down numbers (instead of talking to the people and investigate more).

Also, I forgot that there were many millenia and the most of human history before 'our' year 0. Maybe they just weren't calculating as year 0 according to the Western (Christian) calendar at all? But what was this about cycles then? Sounds like a re-run of the same timeframe. Or some age cycle (e.g. golden age)? Or alternative realities added up?

One more strange synchronicity is involved here that might also be related to lessons about time (period measurements):
That night, I went to bed looking at the alarm clock and it was 3:00 sharp, so I put 6:00 for wake up (for the start of my phasing session). But I woke up earlier at 5:00 sharp, then got back to sleep again, so after the alarm clock woke me up again (at 6:00) I tried the phasing, but fell asleep first, then got out with vibrations at some point, then had this lucidventure and when I was 'back' and looked again at the alarm clock I saw that it was 8:00 ... sharp.

Time ...

[Sinera]

14/Jun/2011
Stuck With "Ludmilla's" Training Sessions

So this is from tonight and I am up-to-date again. It's also another update on that recurring and somehow never-ending story. But maybe the story line found an end now, because I might decide to put an end to it myself.

This night I had multiple vibrationless exits (4 to 5) which normally is a reason to celebrate for me, well, normally. "Ludmilla" was present (by my initial request) and I was grabbed and hauled out all the time. When I was 'falling back' I exited again, her hands were always present, not always pleasant though.

Anyway, all was taking place mostly in darkness (no vision) for me. For the first time IIRC, I was projecting into my current flat (not the portal), too. At least it "felt" that way sometimes. I also was mostly completely lucid.

At one time I saw "her", but only a blurry picture and her figure in 'red', while she was holding me with one hand. I don't know which room it was then (portal or current home). Mostly however, when I had no vision, we were holding each other in both hands, "facing" each other.

I asked her again to talk to me. No reaction (first). I said I wanted her to speak to me or tell me where we go. No reaction. Just holding hands.

Only in the last projection (it was dark again but I 'felt' that we were in front of the window of my appartment). She almost whispered in my ear. I could not understand it, just got some fragments about "a mouth". It could have been the same voice like on April 5th (see the "it's a girl" and "personal trainer" accounts). Just a bit tuned down and now from the left instead of the right.

The voice is nice and gentle, but on the other hand it has sth 'creepy' for me to it. Maybe because I do not understand what she tells me and she also creeps me out because it is so normally "human" sounding without any dream telepathy talk. I really "hear" her. This is so waaay different from any other interaction and anything else!
Anyway, again (as on April 5th) after her first words I could not make out a meaning and snapped back into bed and was awake completely. I had enough and got up as it was early morning already.

Comments / Afterthoughts

I need a break now from these 'exercises'. I will fend off any attempts to "help" me out. Because it seems not helpful. It does not get me anywhere.
Yesterday I also saw T. Campbell talking about this on a YT video. It was about judging actions of so-called guides/helpers (which he calls the wider consciouness system) by their degree of helpfulness. That makes sense to me. I am the judge and should decide: Is it helpful at all, or not? I now start to think it isn't. It is rather disturbing and confusing.

I have, however, no fear issue and "she" is not a 'neg' for me. Also I must say that I called her in by my affirmations again the night before ("meet Ludmilla, lucid, in the portal"). All of it kind of happened. So actually, I haven't even a reason to complain.

However, it seems we don't make any progress. What could be the progress of tonight? Well, maybe I had some more exits and I was lucid and the 'exercise' is supposed to develop vision for me on "her" level where she pulls me out. But this is just my assumption, and as she does not "talk" to me, I will probably never find out!

I'll take a time-out from projections now. Had enough, fed up.

Does anyone have any advice what to 'do' with her when I resume this again (if I do at all)? You see, she is not into talking to me. I thought maybe if we hold hands again I could ask her to squeeze my left hand for a "yes" and the right for a "no", so that I could ask her y/n questions. But that is just a loose idea now.

I'm confused and a bit clueless now.

[CFTraveler]

Wow, you have a conundrum here. I typically know I'm dealing with a self-aspect/dream character) when I 'hear' objectively words and they are not fully understood by me, and treat them as such- ask them what they represent.
They usually don't recur after I have done this and not gotten a satisfactory answer from them- so, other than asking them to leave you alone, I don't know.

[Korpo]

Hello, Volgerle.

The confusion about time could also mean it has nothing to do with time after all. You're trying to squeeze the communication into your concept (write on a notepad) but this is not working (the notepad is shrinking till it's unusable). Time is not exactly meaningful "there." But there's the cycle of your personal evolution, where you move through larger cycles and smaller cycles. The message might be that you are on the first cycle of another larger cycle. These cycles are universal as all human beings traverse them, with different mileage and speed. That would be my interpretation.

Misunderstandings might have arisen due to the fact that you had some preconceived notions distorting the communication. It sounds like you clearly want it to be the future. In a sense contact to any higher-evolved entity *is* your future. They are, in a sense, showing you the potentials of your own future, they mirror back to you what could be.

About the latest post. Absence of communication is often interpreted as unwillingness on behalf of the other entity to communicate. It's just as likely you are not yet able to pick up that entity's communication because the respective energy body is not developed enough.

Also, you might experience it as holding hands. For an energetic being this might or might not be the case. Whatever you see or feel are the images you use for translating a purely energetic experience back to yourself. So, a mode of communication that might be logical to yourself might only be logical within the picture you chose for yourself when translating the experience to store in your brain for recall.

The holding of hands might have been a way to stabilise your consciousness in the state you were in. This is often portrayed as some minor intimacy or touch. This means your consciousnesses have come - well - "in touch." There's a link. The main point of the whole experience might have just been to give you exposure to this state, to keep you in this state, to accomodate your consciousness to remaining in this state, lucidly, for a longer time. Think of it as training.

Things are seldom as they appear, so if you go by appearances you miss a fair deal. In my experience they also do not so much progress as we want or expect them to do, but according to what is needed. And it might just be that for the current energy body you're working on the most basic things need to be settled first before you can progress.

These things cannot be rushed. Without the basic capabilities of an energy body, exploration in that energy body makes no sense as you are not capable of interacting with your surroundings in a meaningful way. Imagine you were capable of seeing and hearing but never have communicated with another human through speech. The moment someone spoke to you, your mind would not even comprehend. Similarly, in the beginning a certain energy body might be able to give you visuals, but you might not be able to communicate. Because communication is not done by hearing a sound or seeing lips move, but by being able to read energetic exchanges.

Whatever you see is just a representation. Thinking of it in physical terms is misleading - being able to see is a separate ability from exchanging information through for example energy packets. Kurt's guide for the chakras can be helpful here. Before the 4th chakra comes online you might not even meet meaningful entities at all. With the 4th chakra online you might be able to see them but not able to establish meaningful communication. With the 5th coming online you get more and more communication till finally you get so used to talking that you forget that months ago everybody "refused to talk to you."

Wanting easily repeatable experiences of the same quality over and over can be a case of splendid stagnation without knowing it. When you are exposed to a new energy body nothing is easy. You're relearning very easy things and have to go through a period of readjustment, learning and almost inevitably frustration. It might feel like a regression, but in reality this is true progress - going beyond the well-established towards the capabilities of the higher bodies.

You will find very little guidance for this step, as pretty much all the popular concepts of the new age ecosystem stop at the astral body. It's an undifferentiated glob there, were nobody knows what body they are in or why for example Robert Monroe's experiences seem of such a different quality than many other reports you can read. Part of the secret lies in the fact of the different bodies, the need to develop them, their different capabilities, their different levels of development in different people. If you're applying astral body concepts to the mental body, you might just feel stuck, not progressing, or whatever.

I would say that this is not the case. It's just a case of mistaken assumptions. There are assumptions that this should be easy, or "If I can do this, I can also do that." which is seldom true. Physical expectations don't hold. Being able to speak is not equal to being able to make oneself understood out of body. Being able to see does not mean one can necessarily communicate. You don't wake up in the same body every night or in all phases of the same night. Not all bodies are accessible at all times, and so various ways exist in which abilities can seem to be blocked, lost, disappear or instable - they were realised in higher bodies but due to issues the higher body is inaccessible; they were developed in lower bodies but not yet in the higher body one currently is in; they are not available in the body one has access to; and so on.

I'd say give it time. Thinking that what you see, feel and hear is all there is is a primary source of frustration, because what your senses tell you out of body is only what your current body at its present stage of development and energetic alignment allows you to see, hear and feel. This might only be a miniscule amount of what is going on. When you combine this with expectations of what you think you *should* be able to hear, see and feel or be able to do usually only leads to frustration in my opinion.

I would personally say you're doing well and progressing rather neatly. Nobody told you it would be like this, so how could you know? You try to bring a mechnical/technical approach to this, but in my experience you might find this will not work. It did not for me. At all. There are, in a sense, no premade recipes. There's just what the other side offers you as next step.

Worked brillantly for me so far, though I may have not gotten what the little ego wanted so far. I'd say I got several better things instead.

Cheers,
Oliver

[poème]

I'm with Korpo on that one: give yourself some time before before putting aside everything you built and worked on. How about looking back (further back) at what you accomplished so far? Chances are you would see how far you fared and it would encourage you.

As for your «helper», I also think you should give her some time and gather more information before rejecting her help. Surely, she is around because she can be of help to you. How about asking her to tell you, clearly, through the dreamstate, who she is, and what is her role towards you? You have had a lot of success with dream programming so far so that could be worth a try...

[Sinera]

thanks to all 3 of you for your helpful replies.

CFT, yes, it is a kind of conundrum. Well, the first time I actually understood a few words, even an entire statement (when she told me "you will know soon" regarding her name), but maybe I fade out too soon to get more of it (not willingly, but my subconscious made me 'snap back', possibly due to the shock of the sheer realism of her "voice"). I should give it a harder try. I don't know if it is an aspect of my (higher) self. I had thought about this possibility, too, but I came to the conclusion that it's not. But who really knows? Maybe it is as you say and I am helping out ... and stressing ... myself all the time.

Korpo, thanks for reminding me of the different bodies and capabilities. I read Kurt's book a little while ago, but it seems I have forgotten too much about it. Maybe I should re-read some things (if only I find the time now, which is hard at the moment). By the way, you yourself could/should have written your own book about these and similar topics, it is always a great read .

poème, good idea, thanks. I actually already had a similar idea and asked my presumed 'main guide' (I call him Tom for the time being) to tell me sth about it (her) in my dreams. But so far no answer came or at least I don't remember it. But you're right, I can also ask 'her' directly to appear to me in dreams and give me a hint.

So far, I've had two very restful nights now, taking my necessary time-out, only asking for healing and peaceful sleep (and dream message from my guide, see above). This is what I wanted and I got it (except for the message).

It also shows to me again that I get in no way 'harassed' at all. I can shut it all off any time if I want and need to. And it was me who 'called her' (who or whatever she is) in the first place. So this shows that it should be for my benefit. I might give it a try again now (but I definitely need the breaks!)
The problem is that it is just highly stressful for me, during and after the experience with "her", it really leaves me mentally exhausted, as you might have guessed by my post, which I wrote on that day still under the impression of the night before.

But maybe it's no pain - no gain?

[Sinera]

18/Jun/2011
How Is Johnny Smith Doing?

After a while lying on my back in my phasing session (after 3 hours of sleep), I get into 'the state' and produce the 'inner smile' (the happy thrill of anticipation, or is it even that this inner smile produces the state? At least it helps a lot!). As to be expected, Ludmilla's hands help me out. No vibrations again.

I am in the neigbouring room of my portal, which used to be the bedroom of my parents when I was a small child. I was there on a mattress. It is dark and I get lifted. I see immediately but again I just 'feel' the hands that hold me. As usual, also no talk between us and I don't even try to speak to her.

We dive down through the 'astral' floor and it gets even darker. I say I would rather prefer to go up than down. Then I am suddenly in the same room again. But this time there is sunlight.
I remember "Ludmilla" somehow 'dropping' me. For a second I tried to 'see' her as I paid attention, looking up. But I saw nothing but the room I was dropped into again. Well, almost nothing. Actually, I saw 'some ... thing': A kind of blurry distortion of the air/visuals of that room.
Do you remember the Predator Movies? What I saw, was a shape (but mostly the hands!) like this combat invisible mode that these creatures used when hunting. You can still guess a shape when it moves by distortions of the visual surroundings. Well, thank goodness I am still pretty certain that the entity I call Ludmilla is NOT one of this species.

Anyway, then I go out through a little window of that room (that also exists in physical life) leading down a short part of the slanted and tiled roof. After a short hesitation, I am lucid enough to know this is not the physical and start to lift off into the air.

I fly into the city. I have the idea to ask about a childhood friend I haven't seen for many many years. Let's call him John Smith here. This name already indicates by analogy that in reality his first and last name are also both very common. So you cannot in physical life easily look him up on a phone directory or 'google' info about him if you don't have any additional current information (place of residence, job, etc). Maybe this explains my interest to try with this (unusual) method.

I get into a gas station and ask the guy there in the shop. Btw, the service station is none which I remember from physical life of my hometown. The guy tells me he knows Johnny, but does not know about his whereabouts. He also then asks one of the truck drivers outside.
In the meantime I investigate, try to focus visually (on my hands and on another of the service staff) in order to stabilise myself.
I don't know what this kind of obsession is, but my investigatory impulse always makes me grab a paper and look at it. Also this time. So I get to the newsstand but grab a cartoon / comic strip book this time (I think it was a good ol' Mickey Mouse). I look at the cover, I realise the numbers but don't remember them now (it's hopeless, give it up, Volgerle !) except for the number 2010.
I then talk to another of the staff there and somehow do a thumbs up gesture (just for fun, maybe). Then I fade out pretty quickly with PREES and do my MEMO techniques.

Comments / Afterthoughts

Not a very spectacular and enlightening lucadventure, but maybe my expectations are too high. At least I had some exercise again. Every exit is a kind of exercise (with Ludmilla anyway!), so maybe that is the best way to look at it. Still, it's a shame that I forgot about my main target, 'the fields'. But hey, next time.

It is important again to note this kind of "state of looking forward" which is vital to my exit successes. It is a kind of 'inner smile', a sweet state of knowing, this certitude that something good and exciting is going to happen again now (and it seems that it almost replaced the vibrations now).
It makes me conclude that we should never underestimate the role that emotions play in this whole thing - not just regarding what we experience, but also if we experience anything (IOW: have success) at all.