IA´s dream diary....

[IA56]

In last night Dream it show clearly how ambivalent I am....the Dream was like this...I was with a male co-worker (have not ever seen him in real Life) Another co-worker a female did come down staires and she asked if we (it was like totally normal to her that me and this male co-worker Always do things togeather?) where going to eat in the Company diner, he asked what food they served today, she said something and he said no...he did like assume me to go with him, so I asked...shall we go out for a pizza and he looked at me like I was crazy..and he said firmly NO...okay I said and felt stupid....I really had liked to eat pizza...why did I not go alone out for a pizza?? I just adjusted to his wish...

Now I remember this sequense from last night...I am not sure if it was my sister or someone els but the feeling was it was her, and she did have my hospital journals, I was surprised and I started to look and read with her, and she said...there is a cat-skan do you want to see...yes I said please...I saw the x-ray Picture but my attention did go to a photo and I had hard time to see whom it was picturing...It was a christmas photo when my son was very Little, and they where dressed in White and read out fit´s..I was trying to look if I am on that photo too or not...I did show to my sister but at once she touched the photo it did change and now she had several other Pictures in her hand and she said...what do you mean...I said..now the photo dissapeared, and I was feeling betrayed....something she did not want me to know...I was dissapointed ...

In this seequence I am not sure but some relative maybe my sister or mother did call the Queen of Sweden...I was like...what...and I did see postcards written to my Brothers but no stamp on them...I was thinking to post them so they get them...

[IA56]

In last night Dream it show clearly how ambivalent I am....the Dream was like this...I was with a male co-worker (have not ever seen him in real Life) Another co-worker a female did come down staires and she asked if we (it was like totally normal to her that me and this male co-worker Always do things togeather?) where going to eat in the Company diner, he asked what food they served today, she said something and he said no...he did like assume me to go with him, so I asked...shall we go out for a pizza and he looked at me like I was crazy..and he said firmly NO...okay I said and felt stupid....I really had liked to eat pizza...why did I not go alone out for a pizza?? I just adjusted to his wish...

Now I remember this sequense from last night...I am not sure if it was my sister or someone els but the feeling was it was her, and she did have my hospital journals, I was surprised and I started to look and read with her, and she said...there is a cat-skan do you want to see...yes I said please...I saw the x-ray Picture but my attention did go to a photo and I had hard time to see whom it was picturing...It was a christmas photo when my son was very Little, and they where dressed in White and read out fit´s..I was trying to look if I am on that photo too or not...I did show to my sister but at once she touched the photo it did change and now she had several other Pictures in her hand and she said...what do you mean...I said..now the photo dissapeared, and I was feeling betrayed....something she did not want me to know...I was dissapointed ...

In this seequence I am not sure but some relative maybe my sister or mother did call the Queen of Sweden...I was like...what...and I did see postcards written to my Brothers but no stamp on them...I was thinking to post them so they get them...

I can´t understand how Deep all my dissapointment has gone...how can I really keep this to stay in my past?? How can I in the now not to be dragged back to my past scars?? I do want to be in the now...for in the now I am not dissapointed..I am happy.
But like these Dream I have had lately show how much unsecurety and letting others be telling me what and how to do...I see how easy I am pushed off guard and I adjust to others wishes...I want to keep my cool in every moment, and feel I am the one who decide if I will follow others or not...But not as it is now...I just ALWAYS do as others want. I just do not know how to take the lead in my own Life!!
This is the reason I feel I just want to be alone, when I am alone I have no problem to make decissions and know what I want, but it take´s only one person to make me stop having the lead in my own Life, I at once become a follower...WHY??!!