Life Transformation

[lycan]

I'm growing increasingly unwilling to live the life I have. The only thing that keeps me from suicide is the hope of change through "deliberate manifestation" and this hope is running thin to the point where I find it difficult to concentrate on visualization or on feeling good in general... or anything else at all, including distractions. My greatest desire is to be a successful international male model. I cannot do this unless there are significant changes in my body. Height is a big issue, but so is age, skin and hair. I don't want to model as a side hobby. I'm also near the end of what is considered an appropriate age for fashion models. Sometimes I break down in tears out of the feeling of hopelesness but I pick myself up. Other times I feel "euphoric" from the joy of trust. I suppose in a way "modeling" is a kind of symbol of what I want, more than the exact thing I want.

Certain things, aside from that, might help improve my trust and overall quality of life. I would like to move out of reach of my family and live on my own for a while but I have zero interest in running any sort of business or doing any kind of job. It's not that I am not willing to be active, it's that those things feel like detours, like giving up.

I'm focusing on inducing a dream state and acting out the things I desire there. I've had very limited success as my circumnstances make it difficult to do this. I have to wait until around midnight to go to sleep as I don't have my own room and there is usually people moving around and making noise around my bed in the early morning (they actually make more noise than necessary so that I'll get up) and all through the day.

Any suggestions?

[CFTraveler]

Hi lycan. I have some comments and suggestions, I hope I don't come across too harshly.

I'm growing increasingly unwilling to live the life I have. The only thing that keeps me from suicide is the hope of change through "deliberate manifestation" and this hope is running thin to the point where I find it difficult to concentrate on visualization or on feeling good in general... or anything else at all, including distractions.

Here is the crux of part of the problem- to manifest anything, you cannot give energy to that which you don't want, and resistance is friction, and friction is energy. When you feel angry and desperate it denotes that you are resisting whatever it is that you are doing, and this resistance gives you this anger and tension, and focuses the energy to that which you are resisting.
If you are resisting the circumstances you are in, you are going to have to try to accept them or remove yourself from them without drama or anger, and this is not as easy as it sounds. You have to be emotionally calm to be able to focus your energy on what you want, and you will have to first clear the conflict that is in you. This may require a few steps, and they depend on what your situation is now.

My greatest desire is to be a successful international male model. I cannot do this unless there are significant changes in my body. Height is a big issue, but so is age, skin and hair. I don't want to model as a side hobby. I'm also near the end of what is considered an appropriate age for fashion models. Sometimes I break down in tears out of the feeling of hopelesness but I pick myself up. Other times I feel "euphoric" from the joy of trust. I suppose in a way "modeling" is a kind of symbol of what I want, more than the exact thing I want.

It seems to me you are wanting to fit in a system that isn't accomodating of what you want- perhaps you need to create a new system that does, I don't know.

I'm focusing on inducing a dream state and acting out the things I desire there. I've had very limited success as my circumnstances make it difficult to do this. I have to wait until around midnight to go to sleep as I don't have my own room and there is usually people moving around and making noise around my bed in the early morning (they actually make more noise than necessary so that I'll get up) and all through the day.

Sometimes you have to do the 'nuts & bolts' things first before you move on to what you want, but you will have to figure this out. Maybe your family can be more supportive about giving you privacy, or you need to figure out a way to get this. There are other places you can go to meditate, and there are other ways to program your subconscious, such as reminders in places you can see.

Don't give up, sometimes what you want is not what's good for you, and in looking for what you want you may find what you need, this has happened more times than I can count.

[lycan]

If you are resisting the circumstances you are in, you are going to have to try to accept them

I accept the circumnstances as temporary realities. I just don't accept their permanency. I'm not willing to live like this forever or to only see the change of decay into a worse situation. If that is my future, I rather die now. It feels like this is not my life. This is what makes me hopeless and unable to concentrate. I never see any real positive change. There are positive events but the situation itself just slowly deteriorates into a worse one where it is harder to believe things could change. It is becoming increasingly difficult for me to sustain any sort of hope at all and drag myself out of the downturns. I do it but I'm not sure how long I can go on like this. It feels like I have nothing to hold on to when I crash, to help pick myself up. All I have is faith. If my experiences erode that away, I'll have no reason to live at all. I have already had moments where this faith was almost at zero and I had to struggle to focus on it and not to commit suicide [For anyone that has a problem with the mention of the S word, know that nothing you say can make me any worse and that "professional" help, which I looked into, is useless in this case]. I want to live, I just don't want to live like this.

I don't mean to be negative but I'm frustrated right now, especially with the year ending.

or remove yourself from them without drama or anger, and this is not as easy as it sounds. You have to be emotionally calm to be able to focus your energy on what you want, and you will have to first clear the conflict that is in you. This may require a few steps, and they depend on what your situation is now.

Can you expand on that?

It seems to me you are wanting to fit in a system that isn't accomodating of what you want- perhaps you need to create a new system that does, I don't know.

I don't understand what you mean.

Sometimes you have to do the 'nuts & bolts' things first before you move on to what you want, but you will have to figure this out. Maybe your family can be more supportive about giving you privacy,

They couldn't give me privacy even if they wanted to. The only way to have privacy is to live somewhere else. I don't know where else I can live. There are no jobs I can get, as far as I know, which would allow me to rent a place of my own, for example. I don't have the heart to manage a business.

or you need to figure out a way to get this. There are other places you can go to meditate, and there are other ways to program your subconscious, such as reminders in places you can see.

Can you expand on that?

[Korpo]

I suppose in a way "modeling" is a kind of symbol of what I want, more than the exact thing I want.

Why is male modelling attractive to you? And what is the thing you want?

[lycan]

Why is male modelling attractive to you? And what is the thing you want?

Hard to express it but I'll try.

It doesn't require me to work on things external to me, or things I don't care about. I care about my body/appearance. It wouldn't matter any less to me if I had a billion dollars. It doesn't require me to spend years in school preparing. To be a male model doesn't require me to give up anything important to me, it would only enrich my life. To do the kind of modeling I desire would allow me to travel and meet new people.

I cannot think of an alternative to it that feels good to me. Even ideas like winning the lottery don't appeal to me much. I watched videos about male models and about lottery winners. The videos about male models made me feel good. The videos about lottery winners made me feel empty.

I want to know that God does not favor others by giving some the option of being models and denying this freedom to me, I want to know that I can express my life in this way. In a way, it is like a test. If I can do this, I can do anything. And if I can do anything, I want to start by doing this.

It just feels like the right life. To even entertain the idea that I can't have it makes me feel powerless, unloved, victimized and worthless.

[Korpo]

To be a male model doesn't require me to give up anything important to me

What are these things you have now that you don't want to give up?

[CFTraveler]

I accept the circumnstances as temporary realities. I just don't accept their permanency. I'm not willing to live like this forever or to only see the change of decay into a worse situation.

Then you should get some comfort out of the fact that you definitely will not stay where you are forever, because nothing ever stays the same. I don't know anyone who stayed home forever, and I don't see you wanting to.

Can you expand on that?

It's very simple- you manifest what you give power to you. ATM all you're focused in is what you don't want, so you need to clear your head and focus on the feeling of having what you want, instead of being that specific.
I see "I want this" "but I don't want to do this". You are putting too many conditions and details on what you don't want.
Manifestation works when you can capture the feeling of having what you want, and like I said before, it can be something different than what you are requiring of the universe, but that makes you feel like what you want to feel.
Which brings me to the next thing.

They couldn't give me privacy even if they wanted to. The only way to have privacy is to live somewhere else.

Not so. You can go to the park where you live, and find a quiet place and meditate there. You can go to your county library, and meditate there. There are ways to get privacy to meditate. You can even go to a church (any church that opens it's doors during times when services are not going on) and sit in the quiet and meditate there.
If you need the quiet time you can get it. What you can't do is decide what's not going to work, because you're just creating more of it.


BTW, I'm not going to suggest counseling, but I would suggest you try to get some career counseling, and make yourself get what you can, even if you don't want to. I can get into this later if you want, but ATM it won't make any difference to you, so you can ignore this.

[CFTraveler]

I just noticed I cross-posted with Korpo- ignore what I wrote and answer his questions, I think he's onto something.

[Korpo]

Just a random thought: Have you considered a career as for example an airline attendant? Airline crews travel the most of all professions, and by hearing a friend talk about his wife (who does this) I get the impression that they also meet a lot of people outside of the job. His wife for example is Japanese, he is Austrian and they met in Thailand.

It might not be everything you've envisioned, but it could be a step towards independence, travelling the world and having lots of diverse experiences other people might not have.

[lycan]

What are these things you have now that you don't want to give up?

It is not the things I have now. If I became a model, I wouldn't feel the lack of being a businessman, I wouldn't feel I had wasted my time with it. If I became a businessman, I would feel the lack of being a model, that I had wasted my time with it. Being a businessman feels like a means to other ends. It might be better than the life I have now, but at what cost? I just don't want to pay that cost. When I add the opportunity cost of not being a model to it, I am repulsed by the idea. Being a model feels like an end which I am willing to pay the cost of, if only I knew exactly what it was. I think I wasted too much of my life not caring about my body/appearance, being friendly but not really social, always focusing on numbers and abstract concepts, business, finances, philosophy, politics, religion. I want a break from it. I want to unburden myself. I want to leave this life of uglyness, struggle, lack and limitation for a life that has more beauty, ease, abundance and freedom.

Just saw the other posts, will reply to them later today.