I'm growing increasingly unwilling to live the life I have. The only thing that keeps me from suicide is the hope of change through "deliberate manifestation" and this hope is running thin to the point where I find it difficult to concentrate on visualization or on feeling good in general... or anything else at all, including distractions. My greatest desire is to be a successful international male model. I cannot do this unless there are significant changes in my body. Height is a big issue, but so is age, skin and hair. I don't want to model as a side hobby. I'm also near the end of what is considered an appropriate age for fashion models. Sometimes I break down in tears out of the feeling of hopelesness but I pick myself up. Other times I feel "euphoric" from the joy of trust. I suppose in a way "modeling" is a kind of symbol of what I want, more than the exact thing I want.
Certain things, aside from that, might help improve my trust and overall quality of life. I would like to move out of reach of my family and live on my own for a while but I have zero interest in running any sort of business or doing any kind of job. It's not that I am not willing to be active, it's that those things feel like detours, like giving up.
I'm focusing on inducing a dream state and acting out the things I desire there. I've had very limited success as my circumnstances make it difficult to do this. I have to wait until around midnight to go to sleep as I don't have my own room and there is usually people moving around and making noise around my bed in the early morning (they actually make more noise than necessary so that I'll get up) and all through the day.
Any suggestions?
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